Birdman Coast to Coast
by coolman3
Summary: Birdman now has his own talk show, interviewing celebrities aided by his sidekicks Phil, Avenger and Peanut, and Peanut's sidekicks Birdgirl, X, Peter Potamus as they all mostly blow off celebrities completely and focus on their own goings on. Rererated M
1. Second Pilot

Birdman Coast to Coast

Second Pilot

Cut to Lokar sitting on a chair.

Lokar: Hello fellow Earthlings, some of you might not have known it, but Birdman actually taped another pilot in 1995...and after 11 years, it got greenlighted for 12 more episodes to be made. But over the years, before it go greenlighted, Birdman had some problems like his drug problem, his divorce, and rehab. He then became a lawyer with his buddy, Avenger and Birdboy, also known as "Peanut", he worked for Falcon 7 or his real name "Phil Ken Sebben". So, yes...the show's finally done! Enjoy the second pilot which was filmed in 1995.

Opening credits.

Phil: (V.O): Welcome to Birdman Coast to Coast, tonight's guests are Michael Jackson, Tom Arnold and Space Ghost! Ha, ha...Ghost. Here's your host...

Cut to a set built on the Sun, cut inside as Birdman flies down to the set.

Birdman: BIRRRRRRDMAN!

Cut to Peanut or "Birdboy" in the music desk.

Peanut: And I'm Birdboy.

Cut to Avenger in the control room.

Avenger: COR!

Cut to the set.

Birdman: That's my director and trusty sidekick, Avenger.

Avenger: COR!

Birdman: And Falcon 7 is my announcer.

Cut to Phil or "Falcon 7" in the announcer booth.

Phil: Thank you, ha...ha...thanks.

Birdman: Okay, anyone read the newspaper today.

Peanut: No.

Birdman: Well I didn't, while Space Ghost Coast to Coast in it's second season, I'm stuck here filming a lousy pilot that won't get off the ground.

Pause.

Birdman: Don't you get that?

Peanut: Nope.

Birdman: Pilot...ground?

Pause.

Birdman: It's a pun you idiot! A lousy pilot that won't get off the ground!

Peanut: That seems more "punny" then funny.

Birdman: Oh God, you ruined my opening monologue!

Avenger: COR!

Birdman: Shut up Avenger! I thought a retired superhero from the '60s will get more respect around here like that annoying Space Ghost does. I mean, his only funny because of that idiot Zorak!

Avenger: COR! COR!

Birdman: Okay Avenger, send him in.

Cut to a TV going to static on Birdman's desk, then it reveals Michael Jackson.

Birdman: Greetings, yadda yadda...what's your name?

Michael: Hello, uh...Space Ghost.

Birdman: It's Birdman! Not that you know lady.

Michael: Actually I'm a man.

Pause.

Birdman: Oh...oh...crap, I'm sorry...

Michael: Michael. Michael Jackson.

Birdman: Hey, Avenger...why did you Leon...that guy from that show that that are all yellow.

Michael: Actually, I am Michael Jackson...I played him.

Birdman: You did, well I don't see how you can play an animated character when your not animated yourself!

Michael: Ha.

Birdman: Huh, wise guy?

Michael: They say executives like animated shows so much, because they can fire and replace people and they won't know the difference.

Birdman: Is that true... (Voice changes to "Scott Finnell" version)...because if it was, the person doing my voice would've been fired by now.

Michael: What's wrong with your voice?

Birdman: Nothing, that's what! (Voice changes to the normal "Gary Cole" version) Say, Michael...is it true when you filmed a Pepsi commercial last year...you hair got caught on fire?

Michael: Please, I don't want to be reminded of that gruesome incident.

Birdman: I'll remind of anything I want to remind you off, now...tell me!

Michael: What's your name again?

Birdman: Don't you change the subject on me..."Michael Jackson".

Peanut: Just leave the guy alone.

Birdman: Okay, I'm just going to think of plans of how to kidnap Zorak...to make this pilot funnier so they can make it to a series.

Peanut: Okay, whatever...

Michael: What's your name?

Peanut: Birdboy, but you can call me "Peanut".

Birdman :( thinking to self): Okay, so then...WHAT! Peanut? What sort of name is that?

Peanut: It's my real name, just like Falcon 7's real name is "Phil Ken Sebben".

Birdman: Can I call him Phil.

Cut to the booth.

Phil: Ha, ha. Real name revealed.

Michael: Hello.

Birdman: Shut up "Wacko Jacko".

Michael: I deny being crazy in anyway.

Birdman: We're having an argument, okay.

Peanut: Listen, we are now your real name isn't "Harvey Birdman"...it's Ray Randall.

Birdman: Don't tell everyone my secret identity!

Peanut: And also everyone knows your powers come from the Sun.

Birdman: Don't tell everyone that!

Peanut: Well, we're just saying because people are going to be wondering "while is the set on the Sun" because you can't do the show at night without the power of the Sun!

Birdman: Shut up! I might as well tell everyone you sleep with a teddy at night.

Peanut: That's going too far!

Peanut leaves.

Birdman: Well...uh, where am I going to get a musical director?

Cut back to Lokar in the chair.

Lokar: That's when I came in, boys and girls. When Bob the dirrrrrector rang me up, it took awhile to get to the Sun, by then Michael Jackson ended the transmission. When we come right back, we'll show the "Tom Arnold" interview which caused controversy when someone went home with a fracture in the arm, severe cuts, bruises and set alight, oh and I think a broken collar-bone I don't know. But, you sure as Hell it wasn't me.

Pause.

Lokar: Okay, it was me! Happy now!

Cut to commercial.

Cut back to Lokar on the chair.

Lokar: Hello boys and girls, missed me during commercial? Well, now we'll show the Tom Arnold interview. Roll the tape, Moltar.

Cut to Moltar.

Moltar: Eh, sure.

Moltar pushes down the lever which reveals Birdman in the announcer both with Phil.

Birdman: Listen Phil, Michael left, Peanut left...so I want you to introduce Tom, okay?

Phil: What about the new musical director, Birdman? Ha, ha...bird.

Birdman: Uh, introduce him as well.

Birdman flies back to the desk.

Birdman: Welcome back, fellow citizens.

Cut to Lokar.

Lokar: That's Space Ghost, you hack. Only he says "fellow citizens".

Birdman: No it's not, I don't want to be anything like Space Ghost.

Lokar: I've been in enough episodes to know what he says, and that's what he exactly says.

Phil: (V.0): Please welcome our new musical director...Lokar.

Sound clip of audience clapping.

Lokar: Yeah, you also stole the whole "Coast to Coast" thing.

Birdman: Shut up!

Sound clip of people booing.

Birdman: Boo yourselves!

Birdman blasts straight forward.

Lokar: Huh, you hit Avenger.

Birdman: Shut up! I'm going to kidnap Zorak, now!

Birdman flies off.

Pause.

Phil: (V.0): Is here coming back?

Lokar: Listen, Phil...doesn't thy speak into the microphone okay, only to introduce people...by the way, you have Tom on hold.

Phil: (V.O): Okay, sorry.

Lokar: I heard that.

Avenger: COR!

Avenger flies to the desk.

Phil: (V.O): And here is our new host, Avenger.

Avenger: COR!

Lokar: This is stupid, let's go to the segment I filmed while driving to this place in my hover RV.

Cut to Lokar in the back in the RV, sitting on a couch.

Lokar: Oh, didn't see you there. It now must be time for "The Super Happy Mailbag A-Few-Second Segment With Lokar, King of the Locusts".

Audience: Hooray!

Lokar: How first letter is from Ted Turner, head of Cartoon Network. He says that "viewing his own creation turning into a Company-stein is very bad, also considering the fact Birdman stinks and Phil is a bad announcer." Well, Ted. I couldn't agree with you more, Birdman uses stolen jokes and ideas from Space Ghost, and we don't want to hear Phil's opinions on things. Thank you for writing President Turner. I salute you.

Cut to Lokar looking through the mailbag.

Lokar: Okay, here's a letter from a little 11-year old named Paul. Paul writes "You rock Lokar, I wish everyone was just like you...Birdman just plain sucks and Phil is just an idiot amused by the words he says, and Avenger can't talk. You rock King Lokar! All hail the king of the locusts". Thank you Paul, I agree with you... I do rock, and if you're out there thank you for writing. Now back to Bird-for-brains.

Cut back to the gang on the set.

Avenger: COR!

Lokar: Now you can introduce Tom, Phil.

Phil: Ha, ha I was insulted...whoops, I mean...please say welcome to the next guest Tom Arnold.

Cut to Tom on the screen.

Avenger: COR!

Tom: I'm talking to an eagle? Hahahahahahaha.

Lokar: No, here's the host's "dumb" sidekick.

Avenger :( angrily): COR!

Phil: Don't insult Avenger, ha...ha...not funny.

Tom: Where's Big Bird?

Lokar starts laughing as Avenger gets angrier.

Phil: His name is Birdman, Tom.

Tom: Okay, where's Birdman then?

Pause. Lokar continues laughing.

Phil: His kidnapping Zorak from his "rival" show.

Tom: I have alot of rivals, I mean they're better then me but I like my fan's support.

Lokar: Like you have any fans...

Lokar continues laughing.

Tom: Okay, you crossed the line, you grasshopper.

Lokar stops laughing, stunned.

Lokar: I am not a grasshopper, I am...LOKAR! KING OF THE LOCUSTS!

Tom: Locust, grasshopper, mantis...they're all the same thing at the end.

Pause.

Lokar: Sure they are, Tom. Like I can call you "washed-up".

Avenger: COR!

Lokar: Shut up you stupid bird!

Avenger: COR!

Lokar: Back off.

Cut to Reducto with a shrink gun.

Reducto: Back off, I'll make you teensy.

Lokar steals Reducto's shrink gun and shrinks him to "ant size".

Reducto :( with helium-like voice): I'll shrink you to a size of a baby ant! Or though, the gun would squash me.

Lokar: That's nice.

Phil runs down.

Phil: Listen, Tom is crying.

Tom: No I'm not.

Phil: Ha, ha. I was wrong.

Tom: Notice there's this guy named "TOM" Cruise. I mean "A Few Good Men" wasn't bad, but...it wasn't really good, either.

Lokar: What are you talking about?

Phil: Yeah?

Avenger: COR!

Lokar: Shut the Hell up you two!

Avenger stares at Lokar, angrily...and then starts pecking at him real hard. Peanut walks in.

Peanut: Hi guys.

Peanut gets splattered in blood.

Peanut: What's happening?

Phil: This, ha...ha!

Peanut steps on a tiny Reducto as he screams for mercy.

Phil: Did you hear that?

Peanut: Nope.

Peanut steps off Reducto as he lies there...dead.

Reducto: I'll be back.

Phil gets splattered in blood.

Phil: Ha, ha! Sauce.

Peanut: You mean...blood.

Phil: Yeah, whatever...whatever your name is.

Peanut: It's Peanut, we've meet numerous times.

Pause.

Phil: Sure.

Peanut: It's true.

Pause.

Phil: You know what else is funny? Brad Bird.

Tom: Yeah, it's a laugh riot Phil.

Pause.

Phil: Sure.

Avenger flies back to the desk as he leaves a severely injured Lokar to death.

Cut back to Lokar in the chair.

Lokar: I couldn't bear to see me like that. See you after this break for the conclusion of the Tom Arnold interview and see Space Ghost get interviewed, as he rubs in his success. See you boys and girls.

Cut to Commercial.

Cut back to Lokar in the chair.

Lokar: Welcome back to the show, you know what. I learned something on June 1st 1995, don't insult Avenger. He looks cute and fuzzy, but he can really make a guy half-dead. So here's the final conclusion to...

Cut to the news alien.

News Alien: News just in, Space Ghost celebrates Let's Hate Birdman Together Day, the day Space Ghost and several of his fans unite for their hatred for Earth hero Birdman, aka Harvey Birdman, aka Ray, aka Ray Randall. That is all.

Cut back to Lokar.

Lokar: ...Birdman Coast to Coast.

Cut back to the "Birdman" set.

Tom: How's Lokar?

Peanut is back in the music desk.

Peanut: His at the First Aid place, over near the toilet.

Tom: So, Birdman still isn't back yet?

Peanut: Nope.

Cut to Avenger, in a cage at the control room.

Avenger: COR!

Cut back to the set.

Peanut :( subtitled in Japanese): So I'm going to talk to you until Harvey comes back.

Cut to a breakdancing Dr. Nightmare then back to the set.

Bob (the executive from SGC2C episodes "Rehearsal" and "Pilot") enters.

Bob: Hi, Peanut...where's Harvey?

Peanut: (speaking in Japanese, subtitled in Japanese): I don't where he is.

Tom: What's the matter?

Bob: Because Lokar is now suing us for assault! His getting his lawyer Dr. Nightmare!

Cut back to a breakdancing Dr. Nightmare. Back to the set.

Bob: And if Lokar wins, we'll have to give him ALL our money combined.

Tom: What? And why isn't anyone talking to me.

A second Lokar walks up to the screen.

Lokar II: Because you're dumb.

Tom: Hey, Lokar...you're better.

Lokar II: No, I'm Lokar the second.

A third Lokar enters.

Lokar III: I'm the third Lokar.

Peanut: What the heck is going on?

Phil: Ha, ha. I can't hear.

Then a whole batch of Lokars appears.

Lokars: We're all Lokar.

Lokar IV: You nearly killed our master, King Lokar.

Peanut: Lokar is a king?

Lokar V: Yes, he is the king of the locusts!

Tom: No, his a grasshopper.

Lokar II: You take that back, Tom Arnold!

Tom: Hahahahaha, this is weird s#!t.

Lokar VI: YOU say WE are weird.

Bob: For a show that's supposed to be Birdman Coast to Coast, it plays like Lokar Coast to Coast.

Lokar III: That's a good idea! Lokar Coast to Coast.

Bob: Uh, crap.

Peanut: We're doomed.

Phil: Ha, ha...

Pause.

Phil: ...doom.

Tom: This is an f#ked up show.

Lokar IV: It's just a pilot...that won't get off the ground.

Tom starts laughing as Birdman crashes through with Zorak.

Birdman: It took me awhile, but I finally kidnapped Zorak.

Zorak: Uh, crap.

Peanut: Hey, Birdman. He stole your joke.

Birdman: What joke?

Lokar III: Yeah, it's just a pilot that won't get off the ground.

Tom laughs.

Birdman: How dare you steal MY joke?

Birdman blasts the horde of Lokars as they become rotting corpses.

Birdman: That's what you get for stealing my ORGINAL joke.

Zorak: This stinks.

Pause.

Zorak: The show and the corpses.

Tom starts laughing.

Birdman: That's great, do more jokes.

Bob: Harvey, he just said your show "stinks".

Birdman: I know what he said.

Birdman blasts Zorak.

Zorak: UGGGGGHHHHHH! My eyes!

Birdman: That'll teach you. Say, you're Tom Arnold.

Tom: Yep.

Cut to a "re-generated" Zorak.

Zorak: I went Hell & back, baby.

Birdman: You're my favourite actor.

Tom: Yep.

Zorak: You listen to me.

Birdman: I like you.

Tom: That's great, heh.

Zorak: I am Zorak, I kidnapped two teenagers...I can kidnap a host with a brain of a teenager.

Cut to Birdman in a hippie outfit, smoking pot.

Birdman: Whatever.

Tom: That's funny.

Birdman is back to normal.

Zorak: I wish you'll dead.

Birdman starts laughing.

Birdman: That doesn't make any sense!

Zorak: I kill you Birdman.

Birdman continues.

Zorak: Silence!

Lokar walks out, with a cast on his legs and arms, as a light bulb falls on his head and sits him on fire.

Zorak: Heh, heh. You're on fire.

Birdman blasts Lokar.

Zorak: Heh, heh. His dead.

Tom: I can't believe this show.

Birdman: Crazy as Hell.

Tom: Sure it's just a pilot?

Birdman: Crazy as a stake monkey on the fourth of July.

Zorak: Don't bag stake monkeys.

Zorak, then sets Birdman on fire...with his eyes.

Bob: Listen guys, we have to get room for the Space Ghost interview. Let's just get this horrible actor out of here.

Birdman: Don't bag Tom Arnold!

Birdman blasts Bob.

Birdman: I want to keep Tom Arnold, feed him...love him...marry him.

Cut to Birdman marrying Tom Arnold in a wedding chapel.

Priest: Harvey Birdman, do you take Tom Arnold to your lawful wedded husband.

Birdman: I do.

Priest: Do you Tom Arnold, take Harvey Birdman as your lawful wedded husband.

Tom: Hell no!

Birdman gets angry, and blasts Tom. Cut back to the set.

Zorak: You're married to a dead guy...wuhahahahahahaha.

Birdman: Oh well, send in Space Ghost...Avenger.

Zorak: Avenger, who'll avenge you?

Canned laughter.

Zorak: I'm so mean.

Phil: (V.O): Please welcome our next guest, animated talk show host...Tad "Space Ghost" Ghostal. Ha, ha. Fake name.

Space Ghost appears on the screen, in his desk.

Space Ghost: Hello Birdbrain.

Birdman: It's Birdman.

Space Ghost: Whatever.

Birdman: BIRRRRRRDMAN!

Space Ghost: SPACCCCCCCCCE GHOST!

Zorak: ZORRRRRRRRRRRRRAK!

Peanut: BIRRRRRRRRRDBOY!

Phil: Falcon 7. Ha, ha.

Space Ghost: Hey, Birdman what's the one thing we have in common...

Birdman: I...

Space Ghost: ...nothing! You're a failing wannabe talk-show host and I'm a talk-show host into it's second season! Ha!

Birdman: If you think you're so funny, here's a clip from your recent episode "Hungry". Roll clip Avenger.

Avenger: COR!

Clip starts rolling as Space Ghost is talking with Raymond.

Space Ghost: So, what do you want to be when you grow up?

Raymond: Uh...Locust of the 'pocalypse.

Space Ghost: Isn't that cute? He can't say apocalypse! Watch this...Hey kid, say "spaghetti".

Raymond: Pasghetti

Space Ghost starts laughing.

Space Ghost: Mmmmmm, pasghetti

Raymond: Pasghetti!

Clip ends as Space Ghost is laughing, Birdman then starts laughing.

Birdman: Yeah, you're a retard.

Space Ghost: Yeah...a what? Retard! That's what I am not.

Zorak: Yes you are.

Space Ghost: I'm a successful retard, unlike you.

Birdman: Yep, retard. Also, I heard Donny Osmond is on tomorrow night's episode. What did you do to deserve that? Ha, ha. Heh, heh.

Peanut: Did you get Marie?

Space Ghost: Just tune in tomorrow night at 11.

Birdman: And what did you do to deserve a variety show? What's it called?

Space Ghost: Cartoon Planet.

Birdman: What sort of title is that? I'd call it "The Happy Birdman Half-Hour".

Space Ghost: Yeah, well. Shut up.

Peanut: What channel?

Space Ghost: Cartoon Network. Ted Turner is the best.

Birdman: Ted Turner is gay. Gay, like you.

Space Ghost: I am not gay.

Birdman: Well, you did kill your pet monkey...Banjo...was it?

Space Ghost: (about to shed tear): Banjo?

Birdman: Roll clip Avenger.

Clip rolls.

Space Ghost: Why do we always hurt the ones we love? Why Banjo? Why! Banjo! Banjo! Banjoooooo!

Clip ends as Space Ghost cries.

Space Ghost: Banjo was soooo young. Why him? Why not me! I'm old!

Birdman: Old as a head full of mantises.

Zorak: Hey! I am the Lone Locust of the Apocalypse!

Zorak sets Birdman on fire again.

Zorak: I told 'ya.

Space Ghost: I'm pushing my 50s'. You?

Birdman: Same.

Space Ghost: Ha! I'm only 22! Suck on Zorak's!

Zorak: No way, Jack!

Space Ghost: Suck on it.

Birdman: No.

Zorak: No.

Space Ghost grabs his bands to position.

Space Ghost: Suck on it.

Birdman goes down out of frame as Zorak turns on a disgusted face.

Zorak: I hate you Space Ghost.

Birdman comes back up, revealing green stuff over his face.

Birdman: Uh, what's this green stuff?

Zorak: That's my funk.

Birdman: Oh.

Zorak: Which is my sperm.

Birdman: Ew.

Phil: Ha, ha. Oral sex.

Peanut: That was gross.

Peanut vomits.

Space Ghost: Ha, that just shows how I control you Birdman.

Zorak: Space Ghost, you're gay.

Space Ghost: What? It was Birdman who sucked your male juice.

Birdman: Oh man, I feel...pregnant.

Zorak: But you told him to.

Space Ghost: But, he did it.

Birdman: I feel a craving for pancakes and nut meg.

Zorak: But you told him to.

Space Ghost: But, he did it.

Birdman: I feel like I'm going to be sick.

Zorak: But you told him to.

Space Ghost: But, he did it.

Birdman: I feel like...I'M HAVING A BABY!

Zorak: Huh?

Space Ghost: What?

Peanut: How can you get pregnant? You're a male.

Pause.

Zorak: Okay...I'm a female mantis; I got a sex change back in 1962, before I starred on the original "Space Ghost" series.

Pause.

Peanut: Oh, that's wrong.

Phil: Ha, ha. Sex change.

Zorak: I covered it up.

Space Ghost: Whoa? But how come you're not the one pregnant?

Pause.

Zorak: I never thought of that.

Birdman: I need to get to the hospital.

Zorak: Oh Hell!

Birdman: I need a baby shower.

Zorak: Oh Hell!

Birdman vomits.

Birdman: Why me?

Bob walks in.

Bob: Guys, now Ted Turner is suing us.

Birdman: What now?

Bob: He says that he didn't like the comments made up him, meaning we'll be broke. We can't go through with the pilot.

Birdman: I'm pregnant here!

Bob: Oh God!

Birdman vomits.

Bob: How did this happen?

Zorak: He sucked my penis.

Bob: Ew.

Birdman: Get me to the hospital!

Cut to the hospital. A doctor walks in.

Bob: What is it Doc? Pregnancy or just sickness from sucking a mantis's cock.

Doctor: Both. The sperm which Harvey sucked up forced him to have a baby, even though it doesn't even have a womb or a uterus.

Zorak: So how is he giving birth?

Doctor: Through his mouth.

Everyone: Ew.

Doctor: Yes, I know.

Birdman keeps vomiting.

Doctor: He should be giving birth, anytime now.

Birdman keeps vomiting. He then vomits out a baby which is a bird/mantis hybrid.

Everyone: Ew!

Doctor: Why does it look like a bird and a mantis?

Zorak: Because it just does. Listen Birdman, I can't go around mothering a baby, I have commitments. So your stuck with baby Zorbird.

Zorak walks off.

Bob: Listen Harvey, I can't have my host fathering a baby. Also remember those lawsuits! Birdman...you're fired!

Birdman: Why, me?

Cut back to Lokar in the chair.

Lokar: Thus ending Birdman's journey to becoming a talk-show host. In the year 2005, he got the greenlight for 12 more episodes. Thus making history. And please don't go around asking: "Why did Birdman give birth?" or "Why did you survive that brutal attack" or "Why did Ted Turner care about comments made by Birdman" in the mailbag segment. Because I won't answer them, okay!

Pause.

Lokar: Okay!

Pause.

Lokar: Also, don't ask me stupid questions.

Pause.

Lokar: Oh wait, they cut me out of the mailbag segment. Replaced me with that stupid Reducto. They're soooo stupid, they'll pay for this. Pay! Pay I tells 'ya!

Pause.

Lokar: Boy, wasn't it gross when Birdman performed oral sex?

End credits.


	2. Voices

Birdman Coast to Coast

Voices

Cut to Birdman reading a contract.

Birdman: So, Bob. Where do I sign?

Bob: There.

Birdman: What? I forgot.

Bob: Over there.

Birdman: Can't I just sign it there.

Bob: No, you have to sign it there.

Birdman: Why?

Bob: Because it says "Don't Sign Here" over there.

Birdman: What's the point of that?

Bob: Because, it's how it works.

Birdman: Hey, it says you have full right to do anything you want. What's that?

Bob: That means we can cancel you anytime we want. Change your voice...

Birdman: What was that? I was signing the contract.

Bob: Eh, we have full right to cancel your show, change your voice and make the show as "rating-grabblingly" as possible.

Birdman: What? My voice! My precious voice!

Opening credits.

Phil: Tonight, on Birdman Coast to Coast...comedian Denis Leary, rock star Ozzy Osbourne and the creators of South Park, Trey Parker & Matt Stone. Here's your host...

Cut to the set. Birdman walks in.

Birdman :( tired voice): Birdman.

Peanut: What's the matter Harvey?

Birdman: Eh, Bob might consider changing my voice.

Peanut: Your voice! Your voice sounds great!

Birdman: I know, but...I'm too depressed to host the show.

Peanut: C'mon.

Birdman: No.

Peanut: C'mon.

Birdman: No.

Peanut: C'mon.

Birdman: No.

Peanut: We'll get Blue Falcone then.

Birdman goes to the desk.

Birdman: I'll be good.

Peanut: That's a good talk-show host. This is the series premiere. We don't want you depressed now, do we?

Birdman: No sir. Say, who's our first guest?

Avenger: COR!

Peanut: Didn't you listen to Phil?

Birdman: Nope.

Peanut: Roll the sound clip Avenger.

Avenger: (V.O): COR!

Phil: Tonight, on Birdman Coast to Coast, comedian Denis Leary...

Birdman: STOP!

Peanut: Now you know?

Phil: What's the point of being announcer if you won't even listen to me? Oh well, I get paid million dollars to say celebrity's names. Ha, ha. Easy street.

Birdman: Send in Denis, Avenger.

The television then reveals Denis.

Birdman: Denis Leary! (Birdman coughs)

Denis: You okay, Birdie.

Birdman: Sure. (Birdman coughs some more)

Denis: I did the voice of Diego the Saber-Toothed Tiger in that hit FOX movie "Ice Age".

Birdman: CGI, made for kids, made a jillion bucks?

Denis: Heh, yeah...pretty much.

Birdman: I'm so depressed, because they might change my voice.

Denis: Who, Birdie?

Birdman: B...b...b...Bob.

Denis: Who's Bob?

Birdman: You don't know, Bob...Denis! His the executive in charge of this show.

Denis: I see.

Birdman: If his unhappy with my voice, he'll change it. I signed a contract, meaning he can ACTUALLY do it.

Denis: Why did you sign the contract when you knew this could happen?

Pause.

Birdman: I didn't, he told me after I signed it.

Denis: Well, technically it's your fault for signing it without reading it, Birdie.

Birdman: Stop calling me Birdie! It's Birdman or Harvey. Preferably Birdman.

Denis: Alright, Birdman.

Birdman: Enough about me, what about you Denis?

Denis: Oh, I'm doing Ice Age 2.

Birdman: How can they be two ice ages?

Denis: Well, it made an ass-load of money...and just because it can.

Birdman: 20th Century Fox is greedy and stupid. It's the 21st century, God.

Denis: Actually it was formed in the 20th century.

Birdman: Still, they should change it.

Denis: How's it like working with Space Ghost?

Birdman: Why does everyone think I work with Space Ghost! It's not true!

Denis: Okay, sorry.

Birdman: That's okay; say...how it is like working with Ray Romano and John what's his name.

Denis: Yeah, the guys who made Ice Age actually released another CGI film...

Birdman: More movies for the kiddies, huh?

Denis: Yep, make movies for the kids, sell off merchandise and make more money.

Birdman: What's it called?

Denis: Robots.

Pause.

Denis: It's about robots.

Pause.

Birdman: That's a simple title, any evil robots that steal, drink, smoke and do drugs?

Denis: Nope.

Birdman: What's it rated?

Denis: PG, just like Ice Age.

Birdman: I might take my kids, I have two you know. One by the way of a she-male mantis, and one by my wife Gigi...I used to work with her in the Galaxy Trio.

Denis: Wait, a she-male mantis? That's fucked up.

Birdman: Yeah, happened back in 1995.

Denis: So, it's 10 years old now?

Birdman: Yeah.

Denis: Is your wife hot?

Birdman: Yeah, but...I don't want to say this...but she always cheats on me.

Denis: Then isn't it possible it might be someone else's baby?

Dramatic chord.

Peanut: His got you there, Harvey.

Denis: Go on the Jerry Springer show.

Birdman: Nah, I think that's cancelled anyway.

Denis: Yeah, I think it is too.

Birdman: Say, is it true you wanted to be a NHL player?

Denis: Actually yes.

Birdman: What turned you to being a comedian?

Denis: I forgot.

Peanut: I wanted to be a comedian.

Birdman: No you didn't.

Peanut: Yep.

Birdman: No.

Peanut: Yes.

Birdman: No.

Peanut: Yes.

Birdman: No.

Peanut: Yes.

Phil: Ha, ha. Hardly any lines.

Peanut: I performed once at the Ghost Planet Chuckle Bucket.

Cut to the Ghost Planet Chuckle Bucket. Peanut is on the stage.

Peanut: And in the '80s, ET was born...by the way of Mr. T and Mrs. E.

Canned laughter.

Audience Member #1: Boo!

Peanut: E is for entertainment, T is for terminal.

Pause.

Peanut: They had sex at the bus depot.

Pause.

Peanut: You just don't get it, that's all.

Cut back to the set.

Birdman: Oh, yeah!

Denis: Do you do opening monologues?

Birdman: The monologue! I forgot about that, I thought I forgot something. Say, what's up with this Survivor show? I mean, how do you know it's not fake?

Pause.

Denis: You made up on the spot didn't you?

Birdman: Yes.

Denis: I heard you're a lawyer, as well now.

Birdman: Yep, been so for 5 or 4 years. It's great.

Denis: Being a lawyer must suck.

Birdman: I suppose.

Denis: I mean, watched Law & Order. Borefest.

Birdman: Law & Order? What's that?

Phil: A show you've never heard of Birdman.

Birdman: How long has it been going for?

Denis: Years now.

Phil: NCIS, CSI, JAG...all these shows suck. Ha, ha.

Denis: Criminal Intent, SUV, Trial by Jury. It's fad among television.

Birdman: I thought reality shows were fads.

Denis: Still true.

Birdman: So there are two fads? I don't get it.

Denis: Well, I have to jet.

Birdman: Bye Denis, I'll remember you as my first official guest.

Denis: Bye one eye, bye Birdman's brother.

Phil: One eye?

Phil looks at down.

Peanut: Brother?

Phil: I'm confused, we'll be right back.

Cut to Bob and a team of executives watching the show.

Bob: You see there, Birdman's voice is too erratic and annoying. We need to get Keith Andes!

Executive #1: The original Birdman?

Bob: Yes...original Birdman.

Phil runs in.

Phil: I said, we'll be right back!

Cut to Commercial.

Cut back to the room, Bob is on the phone.

Bob: Yes, Keith...we'll pay you. Uh, huh. Yep, we'll just fire Gary Cole and bam...back in the 'biz for you my retired friend.

Bob gets off the phone.

Executive #2: Did he agree to it, boss?

Bob: Yep, worked like a chime. He'll be here any minute now.

Phil: (V.O): We are back with Birdman Coast to Coast.

Cut to the set as Birdman walks back in, with a heap of food.

Phil: Birdman, what are you doing?

Birdman: I'm preparing to eat.

Peanut: Why?

Birdman: Because...it's time for that stupid mailbag segment with my nemesis Reducto.

Cut to Reducto.

Reducto: You reckon I'm stupid! I'm better then you Birdman. Now time for that stupid mailbag segment. Here's our first letter. "Dear Reducto, I miss Lokar as host. He rocked, he read it like my Mom would read it, bring back Lokar or else from Lokar". Well Lokar, there is such thing as sour grapes...SHRINK GUN!

Bob: (V.O): His voice is horrible to listen to, his next.

Reducto: Now next letter is from a man from a "cave"..."Dear Reducto, I will destroy your country, your family, your horses, everything you know. I hate you with a passion signed Osama bin Laden". You forgot one thing Osama...SHRINK GUN!

Bob: (V.O): And will he stop with the whole shrink gun angle.

Reducto: Our last letter is from Space Ghost. "To Reducto, you're working for a dumb-dumb head; work for me for more then this creep is giving you. You'll know the meaning of success here. Also you can bring your shrink gun, from Space Ghost". Well, at least I can bring my...SHRINK GUN!

Cut back to the set.

Birdman: Thank you Reducto.

Cut back to Reducto.

Reducto: I'll make you tiny, Birdman.

Cut back to Birdman.

Phil:(V.O): Our next guest is the legendary lead singer of Black Sabbath, stars in his own reality show, and is hitting Australia for the MTV Music Awards. It's Ozzy Osbourne. Ha, ha...koalas.

The TV goes static, and then reveals Ozzy.

Ozzy: What the bloody Hell is this?

Birdman: Hello Ozzy.

Ozzy: Huh, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Birdman: I'm Birdman; this is Birdman Coast to Coast.

Ozzy: Who's that fuck-head at the desk thing, over there?

Birdman: That's Birdboy. Call him Peanut.

Ozzy: Peanut, what sort of name is that?

Birdman: I don't know, I'm not his mother.

Ozzy: Who's that guy with the fucking eye patch?

Birdman: Falcon 7. Call him Phil.

Ozzy: Oh, who's the bird?

Birdman: That's my eagle, Avenger.

Avenger: COR!

Birdman: Yes, Avenger.

Avenger: COR!

Birdman: Say, Ozzy...you have children, don't you?

Ozzy: Yes, I love them with all my heart.

Birdman: There's Jack, Kelly and, there was another one...who was it?

Ozzy: Well, I have a wife...Sharon.

Birdman: Say, Ozzy...how come you decided to call yourself, Ozzy?

Ozzy: I don't know, it was years ago.

Birdman: Yeah.

Ozzy laughs.

Birdman: What's up with those "bite-the-bat" stunts you do?

Ozzy laughs.

Ozzy: Well, it's a thing I did when I was with my band...Black Sabbath.

Birdman: Black Sabbath, I know.

Ozzy: Yeah.

Birdman: Hey, Ozzy.

Ozzy: Yes.

Birdman: I formed my own band, wanna hear?

Ozzy: Sure.

Birdman: It's called "Birdman and the Galaxy Trio". The song I'm going to perform is called "Let Me Do What I Do".

Ozzy: Okay, let's hear it.

Birdman: Okay, a one...a two...a one, two, three four...

Cut to Birdman with a guitar, Peanut at his usual music desk. Phil at the drums and Avenger on Birdman's shoulder.

Birdman and the Galaxy Trio: We're going to rock, rock this town. We're going to do what we do best, honey. I'm going to rock really loud, do what I do with you louder! That's right; we're Birrrrrrrrrdman and the Galaxy Trio! Let Me Do What I Do, baby! We do our own show on the Sun; we rock real hard on Mars! We're going to rock, just for you baby! That's right, we're going to rock...just for you baby! LET ME DO WHAT I DO!

Birdman sets the guitar on fire, and starts licking it. Peanut then bites Avenger's head off ala Ozzy Osbourne and Phil throws his eye patch up and catches it and puts it back on. Cut back to the set as Ozzy claps.

Ozzy: YEAH!

Birdman: YEAH!

Peanut: YEAH!

Phil: Yeah. Ha, ha.

Cut to Avenger, with his head stitched back on.

Avenger: COR!

Cut back to the set.

Birdman: We're going to do an album, release it sometime in May.

Ozzy: Yeah.

Birdman: Make an ass-load of money.

Ozzy: Yep,

Birdman: Then meet the ladies.

Peanut: Harvey, you're married to Gigi.

Birdman: Oh yeah, then you guys meet the ladies.

Phil: Ha, ha. Chicks.

Birdman: Enough about me, Ozzy. What about you?

Ozzy: Well, basically I'm a washed-up singer. Ha.

Birdman: With your own reality show? Right?

Ozzy: Oh yeah, but I think it's cancelled, or something.

Birdman: Oh yeah...say, do you like your voice?

Ozzy: Yeah, why? I fucking love my voice.

Birdman: I reckon Bob is going fire the guy who voices me soon.

Ozzy: Why?

Birdman: Because, I signed a contract before the show.

Pause.

Ozzy: Yeah...

Birdman: And that makes it legal for him to change my voice guy.

Ozzy: Wait, so that's not your real voice. Basically...you're lip-syncing.

Birdman: Actually, that's done for me. (Birdman's mouth doesn't move while talking)

Ozzy: Shit!

Birdman: Yeah, I know.

Ozzy: So, I heard it's your first show. That's pretty exciting, I guess.

Birdman: I suppose.

Ozzy: That's great, Bird guy.

Birdman: Birdman.

Ozzy: Yeah.

Birdman: BIRRRRRDMAN!

Ozzy: BIRRRRRDMAN!

Birdman: Ozzy! Ozzy! Ozzy! Ozzy!

Ozzy: Oy! Oy! Oy! Oy!

Birdman: I love you Ozzy Osbourne!

Pause.

Ozzy: That's fucking wrong, man.

Birdman: I don't know what came over me. Voice actors don't preach!

Ozzy: Huh?

Birdman: I'm keeping my voice! I'm keeping my voice! Whoaaaaaa!

Ozzy: Ha, I get it.

Birdman: So, voice actors don't preach!

Ozzy: What's come over you?

Birdman: I'm gonna keep my voice!

Ozzy: That's great.

Cut to "Birdman and the Galaxy Trio".

Birdman and the Galaxy Trio: Soooooooooo voice actors don't preach! Oh, yeah! Voice actors don't preach, I don't want you to qqqqqqqquit! Sooooooooooooooooo voice actors don't preach! You get paid! Voice actors don't preach! You're not a priest! Voice actors don't preach! Whoaaaaaaaaa! I'm keeping my voice! I'm keeping my voice! No matter what you say! So, voice actors don't preach! You're not a priest! Voice actors don't preach! Whoaaaaaaaa! Fuck yeah!

Cut back to the set.

Birdman: I needed to get that out of my system. So, how are you Ozzy?

Ozzy: My daughter Kelly covered that song, "Papa Don't Preach".

Birdman: I'm not your papa, Ozzy. My papa is alive in a retirement home at New York.

Ozzy: Really.

Birdman: Yeah, his name is Roy Randall. My name is Ray.

Peanut: Don't say your identity!

Birdman: Oh, shut up. Peanut is always a problem.

Ozzy: I see.

Birdman: So, if it doesn't work out...he's fired. Bam! Replaced by Lokar.

Cut to Lokar.

Lokar: Yes!

Cut back to the set.

Ozzy: Oh, well. It happens.

Birdman: Yes, I agree. Say, Ozzy...do you want an animated talk show?

Ozzy: No, not really. Heh.

Birdman: What team you go for?

Ozzy: What team?

Birdman: NFL team.

Ozzy: I don't really care.

Birdman: I like the New York Jets. Too made they are not going to make it this year. Say, were you offended last year when we saw Janet Jackson half-breast at the Super Bowl last year.

Ozzy: No, not really.

Birdman: You see, parents are too overprotective these days. You can't even say a dirty word like bleep without getting censored!

Ozzy: I know.

Birdman: See, you agree with me Ozzy.

Ozzy: Yeah, heh.

Birdman: bleep this, bleep that. I hate being bleep!

Ozzy: I know what you mean.

Birdman: I hate that president, bleep.

Ozzy: Yeah.

Birdman: See, I got censored for saying the president's name! How stupid it that!

Ozzy: Well, how bleep stupid.

Birdman: The FCC will face my wrath! BLEEEEEEEP!

Ozzy: Whoa.

Birdman: I voted for John Kerry, last year. Who did you vote for?

Ozzy: Well, I can't really say. Ha.

Birdman: Imagine what life will be like with Kerry as president.

Cut to John Kerry.

John Kerry: WE NEED A PRESIDENT THAT CARES! I WILL MAKE SURE ADULTS HEAR THE WORD bleep ON TV!

People: Hell yeah!

John Kerry: MY FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS, REMOVE SOLDIERS OUT OF IRAQ!

People: YEAH!

Cut to Birdman.

Birdman: Boy, will that be sweet. Well, we've run out of time Ozzy!

Ozzy: See you, Birdman.

Birdman: I'll see you at this year's Ozzfest!

Ozzy disappears from the screen.

Phil: After this commercial break, the creators of the hit Comedy Central series, Trey Parker & Matt Stone.

Cut to the executives. Keith Andes arrives.

Keith: Hi guys, I'm here.

Bob: Keith, it was about time. When Birdman comes back, you'll replace Birdman.

Cut to Gary Cole.

Gary: Does that mean I'm fired?

Bob: Yes, Gary.

Gary: Oh well, I'll just live off welfare.

Gary lives.

Bob: Whatever.

Cut to commercial.

Cut back to the set.

Phil: Welcome back to Birdman Coast to Coast.

Birdman: I'm going to steal another thing from Space Ghost. An idea never used. "Ask the Big Banana".

Peanut: Ask the Big Banana?

Cut to a screen reading: "Ask the Big Banana".

Phil: Ask the Big Banana, ha...ha.

Cut to Birdman on the street, dressed in a banana suit.

Birdman: Say, do you want to ask the big banana?

Person #1: Why the Hell are you dressed up as a banana?

Birdman: Uh, Banana boat.

Person #1: Whatever.

Another person walks up to him.

Person #2: Are you really that stupid?

Birdman: Yes, lady, I am...thank you.

Person #2: God, you're weird.

Birdman: C'mon, it's the year 2005! An ex-superhero/ bad lawyer/talk show host is dressed up as banana! What the Hell is wrong with you people!

Person #3: Hi.

Birdman: Say, ask the big banana.

Person #3: What? Like why should I care?

Birdman: That was uncalled for.

Person #3 leaves. Cut back to the screen reading: "Ask the Big Banana".

Phil: Ask the Big Banana is over.

Cut back to Birdman on the set.

Birdman: I filmed that segment 20 minutes before the show started.

Peanut: Space Ghost may have never used it, but he was going to use it for the series premiere. But it got cut for some reason.

Birdman: Didn't have the time?

Peanut: E-exactly.

Birdman: Oh Avenger, send in Trey & Matt. Let's get it over and done with.

Phil: Please welcome our last guests, the partners in comedy crime...Trey Parker & Matt Stone!

They appear on the screen.

Trey: Hello, Birdman.

Matt: Yeah, hi.

Birdman: So, you created South Park, huh?

Trey: Yep.

Matt: Basically it started out as an internet cartoon.

Birdman: Internet? Who goes on that crappy thing anymore?

Trey: Nerds.

Matt: Yeah, nerds who have time on their hands.

Birdman: So, you created a short film put it on the internet and it became a show.

Matt: No, I don't think we put it on there; it just was put there by someone.

Trey: There was a lot of vulgarity in it.

Birdman: Oh yeah.

Trey: Yeah, it had a lot of swearing. Cartman & Kenny's names were actually switched in that film, then when we made a second cartoon they names were switched.

Birdman: So, you created two pilots like me?

Matt: No, we weren't expecting it to become a series.

Trey: Hell no.

Matt: Nor did we know it will be so popular.

Birdman: It's in its ninth season this year, you gonna make a tenth?

Trey: Yeah, after we make the tenth...Bam! We're out of here.

Matt: We want to do over things.

Trey: We don't want to do a crappy cartoon all our life.

Matt: We need to retire.

Birdman: What team do you go for?

Matt: What team would be...

Birdman: America!

Matt: Oh, yeah. Team America.

Trey: We had the worst time making that movie. Puppets are just like actors, that won't go along with you.

Matt: We spent six gruelling months, and then South Park came back afterwards. Oh God, I need a proper break.

Birdman: Don't we all. Say, you have a band don't you?

Trey: Yeah, it's called D.V.D.A.

Birdman: It stands for Digital Video Disc Asslicks, doesn't it?

Matt: No, you don't want to know what it stands for.

Birdman: C'mon.

Matt: No.

Trey: No.

Birdman: C'mon.

Trey: No.

Birdman: Oh. Also you made another show which got cancelled didn't you?

Matt: Yeah, That's My Bush! Comedy Central said the show was too expensive. So we gave up on it.

Birdman: After 8 episodes?

Trey: Yeah, it was a sitcom about the President.

Birdman: Of Jupiter?

Pause.

Trey: No, United States.

Birdman: Oh, (Birdman changes to Keith Andes version) okay.

Matt: What happened to your voice?

Birdman: I don't know!

Avenger: COR!

Birdman: It's happening! My voice isn't appealing to the 18-39 demographic! NO!

Phil: Ha, ha. Voice same. Yours different.

Matt: Doing voices is pretty easy.

Trey: Getting paid to talk is easy street.

Phil: I know.

Peanut: Getting paid to make music is easy street as well.

Birdman: Hello! My voice!

Trey: (doing Cartman voice): Goddamnit we don't care, you hippie!

Birdman: FEEL THE POWER OF THE HOST!

Birdman blasts the screen.

Birdman: Now, about my voice...

Phil: Who cares!

Birdman: I care.

Peanut: I know a witch doctor.

Peanut knocks on a door, Tansut opens the door.

Tansut: Hello, finally someone cares about poor Tansut.

Peanut: Are you a witch doctor?

Tansut: Aah, yes I am.

Cut to a chamber. Birdman is on the table, strapped down. Phil, Peanut & Avenger are watching as Tansut enters.

Phil: You don't look like much of a witch doctor.

Tansut: You don't look much like an announcer.

Phil: Oh, shut up.

Peanut: Don't worry, he works on Ghost Planet.

Birdman: Ghost Planet! On top of the planet.

Tansut: Yes.

Birdman: You hired a guy who works for Space Ghost!

Peanut: Oh well, you want your voice fixed or what?

Tansut: Know I will repeat the following words. Hey mumbo! Italiano! Hey mumbo! Italiano! Hey mumbo! Hey mumbo!

A spirit is coming out of Birdman's nose, when it escapes; it pops back in his mouth.

Tansut: Oh no, Tansut is so stupid!

Birdman: What happened?

Tansut: Oh nothing.

Birdman: Thanks.

Back on the set.

Birdman: So, I killed Trey Parker & Matt Stone?

Phil: Yep.

Birdman: Eh, could be worse. My voice could be like it was before Peanut got that witch doctor guy.

Peanut: Ah, Birdman. It didn't work.

Birdman: What?

Peanut: The voice exorcism, it didn't change anything.

Birdman: WHAT! OH F...

End credits.


	3. Lawyer Stuff

Birdman Coast to Coast

Lawyer Stuff

Cut to Birdman writing on a typewriter.

Birdman: ...and in 2001, my career as a lawyer began...

Phil enters.

Phil: Harvey, what are you doing?

Birdman: I'm writing my memoirs. It's called: "BIRRRRRRRRRDMAN!".

Phil: Ha, ha. Your catchphrase.

Birdman: I'm writing about my life, I'm up to when you hired me as a lawyer.

Phil: Really, Birdman?

Birdman: I'm going to basically say I defended some of the most well-known people, Scooby Doo, Fred Flinstone, Boo Boo, Grape Ape, so on and so forth.

Phil: Well, the show starts in about, 10 seconds.

Birdman: I'll be there in a minute.

Phil leaves.

Birdman: I first defended, Dr. Benton Quest. I reckon he was gay.

Opening credits.

Phil: Tonight on Birdman Coast to Coast, star of the hit show Law & Order...Sam Waterson! Nope, that's it. Just him, ha! Ha! Now here's your host...

Cut to the set.

Peanut: Where's Harvey?

Phil: I told him the show will start in 10 seconds. Ha! Ha! He didn't listen.

Peanut: I suppose it will be The Peanut Show now.

Singers: It's Peanut, It's fresh, and it's a bunch of krabbesh! His Peanut, the thing you spread on bread! PEEEEEEEEANUT!

Sound of audience clapping. Peanut is in Birdman's desk.

Peanut: Thank you, thank you. Tonight's guest is actor Sam Waterson, star of the original Law & Order.

The screen goes through static and then reveals Sam.

Peanut: Hello Sam.

Sam: Hi, Peanut.

Peanut: Le' Peanut is le' best.

Sam: Yeah, you're speaking French.

Peanut: (In French, with subtitles): Peanut make Ghost Planet klambo.

Sam: Heh, yeah.

Peanut: Say Sam, so your show is in...

Sam: 15th season.

Peanut: That's a lot, how do you make new and fresh ideas?

Sam: Basically it's the writers. They're great, yeah...Dick Wolf is great.

Peanut: Dick Wolf? Or do you mean a wolf's dick?

Pause.

Sam: That's going a little too far, isn't it?

Peanut: No, I walked in Phil's office and saw him sucking a wolf's dick.

Phil: So I enjoy sucking animal's cocks, kill me why don't you? Ha! Ha! Oral sex with animals.

Sam: That's sick.

Phil: I know, try a dog's penis. They just keep on pissing.

Sam: Yeah, ummm...Dick Wolf is the creator.

Peanut: Oh, so he created you. Le' sex.

Sam: NO! He "created" Law & Order.

Peanut: Oh I see, we are talking about the show right.

Phil: I'm sick and twisted, right?

Sam: Yes you are. What's his name?

Phil: Phil Ken Sebben.

Sam: Yeah, Phil.

Phil: Ken Sebben.

Sam: Where's Birdman?

Phil: His writing his memoirs.

Peanut: His memoirs? Like he has one!

Sam: Is he an ex-superhero or something?

Peanut: His an ex-superhero/lawyer/talk-show host.

Sam: Lawyer, huh?

Peanut: He doesn't know the meaning of the word "lawyer"

Cut to Mentok the Mindtaker.

Mentok: ...because his a dumbass wanker!

Peanut: Huh?

Mentok: Yes! Mindtaking!

Peanut: Whatever.

Cut back to Peanut.

Peanut: His a judge.

Sam: While both with a jury when you have a mindtaker as a judge! Ha, ha, heh.

Phil: I'm a sicko!

Peanut: His proud.

Phil: Find me some animal shame!

Peanut: Yet, disgusting.

Sam: Yeah, I noticed.

Peanut: Where's Harvey?

Phil runs around, goofy like.

Phil: Give me some banana!

Peanut: No.

Sam: Put him in the nut house. His crazy if he wants to perform oral sex with animals.

Peanut: What are you, a "crazy doctor".

Sam: Well I played one in "Family Guy".

Pause.

Peanut: Good show.

Sam: Yes it is.

Peanut: Listen Sam, if this show is going too fast for you, just say so.

Sam: Well, it is, actually.

Peanut: I run a half-hour show; I don't get an extra half-hour.

Sam: Oh, well.

Peanut: Better then only fifteen minutes.

Sam: Yeah, I suppose.

Peanut: Pretty stupid, so random.

Sam: Life is random.

Cut to Birdman writing on a typewriter.

Birdman: And in 2004, my show got greenlighted, and premiered in 2005. Thanks for reading, I enjoyed writing it. Written by Ray "Birdman" Randall. Stay tuned for my next book: "How to Have Sex with Objects".

Birdman gets all the pieces of paper and slips them under a book.

Birdman: Put a few staples.

Birdman staples the pages with a "Invisible Stapler".

Birdman: There, finished. Time to promote it.

Birdman walks off with the book, the cover as a picture of him, with hands up high. Says "BIRRRRRRRDMAN", "Written by Ray "Birdman" Randall".

Birdman: First stop, Ghost Planet.

Cut back to the set.

Peanut: Do you like chickens?

Sam: Sure.

Peanut: S-s-s-s-Sam, I have a theory about people who have names beginning with S.

Cut to Brak's Dad.

Brak's Dad: I have theory about people with "F" names, what's your point?

Cut back to the set.

Peanut: People whose name begins with "S" are human embodiments of snakes. It's all in my book: "My Theories". I promoted it once on Space Ghost Coast to Coast.

Phil: No you didn't.

Peanut: Well, the interview got cut because of time, but I reckon it's because I work with his rival, Birdman.

Phil: Ha, ha. Liar.

Peanut: It's true, I'll even show you the interview.

Cut to Phil in the control room with Avenger.

Phil: Yeah, you do that. C'mon Avenger, be a good eagle.

Phil kneels down closer and closer. Cut to Space Ghost.

Space Ghost: Please welcome my next guest, actor and now author here to plug his new book "My Theories", Peanut "Birdboy" Leonard.

Cut to Peanut on the monitor.

Peanut: Thank you, Space Ghost.

Space Ghost: Say Peanut, I'm allergic to peanuts.

Zorak: Really?

Space Ghost: Yes, I am Zorak.

Zorak: Well, I'll get go to the food place.

Space Ghost: Good, while you're there...get me some French Fries. No, peanuts! Got it!

Zorak: Yes.

Space Ghost: Moltar, you go with.

Cut to Moltar.

Moltar: Yeah, sure.

Moltar & Zorak walk off as they are quickly replaced by Lokar (Zorak's place) and Brak (Moltar's place).

Space Ghost: That was quick.

Lokar: Yes it was.

Brak: Heh, heh...Space Ghost is so dumb.

Space Ghost: WHAT!

Space Ghost blasts Brak.

Peanut: Yeah, I have new book called "My Theories" it's about...all my theories.

Space Ghost: Like your theories of how stupid Birdman is?

Peanut: Uh...

Space Ghost: Or your theories of how I'm so great?

Peanut: Well...

Space Ghost: TELL ME!

Lokar: How about his theories of how your so dumb?

Space Ghost blasts Lokar.

Space Ghost: Hey that looks like fun!

Space Ghost blasts himself.

Peanut: I like pies.

Cut to outer view.

Peanut: You like pies?

Cut back to present.

Peanut: Space Ghost killed everyone, including himself.

Sam: What happened to Moltar & Zorak?

Peanut: Well, they never returned from the store. So, the show was put on hiatus. Right, Phil?

Cut to Phil in the control room as Phil comes back up.

Phil: Uh, yeah...sure.

Cut back to Peanut.

Peanut: You were doing that thing again weren't you?

Sam: This is a very weird place.

Peanut: Oh, I agree Sam.

Sam: I enjoy playing my character Jack McCoy on "Law & Order".

Peanut: Jerry Orbach will always be remembered.

Sam: Yes, it was sad he departed from the show, even sadder that departed from our lives.

Peanut: Dastardly business that.

Avenger: COOOOOR!

Peanut: Shut up Avenger.

Phil: Just a few more seconds, Avenger.

Peanut: That's just sick business.

Sam: I don't get how he does it.

Peanut: He kneels down, opens his mouth and sucks the cock.

Sam: I didn't mean that, I meant how he could stand doing something like that.

Peanut: He doesn't, he kneels down.

Sam: Yes, but it doesn't matter.

Peanut: Time for that annoying mailbag segment with Reducto, I forgot what it was called, Lokar named the segment way back in 1995.

Cut to Reducto sitting on a couch.

Reducto: Who's that? Someone is spying on me; remember one thing...SHRINK GUN!

Peanut: It's time for the mailbag thing.

Reducto: Oh yeah, we have a record of 6 mails from Birdman's stupid fans. Oh well, first letter is from the P.E.T.A. "Dear Phil Ken Sebben, what you do to animals is sick. If you violate one more animal we swear we'll rip your lungs out so you won't be able to breathe, you sick man". I don't even want to know what that was about, but I don't want to know. Second letter is from Phil..."To P.E.T.A., I can't help enjoying performing oral sex on animals; I just enjoy it so much I can't stop. Up yours, I won't stop...ha, ha." Well, that what it was about, ew. Also, "Dear Birdman, your mamma is so fat; she can't even fit in her house, from Space Ghost". Also, "To Matt Groening, I love The Simpsons so much, I mailed this to the wrong person! I love you, Deborah". Okay, second last one "Dear Reducto, I love you. You remind me of my dad, I love you so much I can just do anything to you, mess around with you, and get dirty, the works". Well, that's just sick. Last one, "Dear Phil, we are coming to the set and we are going to kill you...in a few seconds". Well, that's it.

Cut back to Peanut.

Peanut: Well, at least Phil is getting what he deserves.

Phil walks in.

Phil: I'm not scared of those hippies, there most probably so stoned...they won't even know who I am...

Members of P.E.T.A. rush in and stab Phil.

Phil: We'll be right back.

Cut to commercial break.

Cut to Space Ghost Coast to Coast set.

Space Ghost: Our next guest is stupid-head Earth ex-hero, Ray "Birdman" Randall.

Birdman appears on the screen.

Space Ghost: Ray, your new book "BIRRRRRDMAN" is going to be a number 10 hit.

Birdman: You think?

Space Ghost: No, I reckon it will bomb.

Birdman: Hey!

Space Ghost: I read your book, right...it said you have a 10-year old son, turning 11 in May, but did you mention how it was "conceived"?

Birdman: No.

Space Ghost: How you did a "dirty deed" with Zorak.

Birdman: No.

Space Ghost: That thing showed that I still control you.

Birdman: Well, I have a new book in the works "How to Have Sex with Objects".

Space Ghost: I have an idea for your next book "How to Perform Oral Sex with Mantises". Hahahahahahahahaha.

Birdman: Space Ghost, that was 10 years ago.

Space Ghost: I know, but I still find it hilarious.

Birdman: Heard your show is cancelled.

Space Ghost: No it is not; it's on "hiatus" because Zorak & Moltar are doing "other" things at the moment, I also had that panel thing I did last year after the premiere of "Perfect Hair Forever". Now we are filming episodes for season nine, you're our first interview.

Birdman: Really?

Space Ghost: No time for answer, we've ran out of time. See you Birdman, I don't salute you.

Birdman disappears from the screen.

Space Ghost: Got it, Moltar?

Moltar: Yep.

Space Ghost: We'll just put it on the season nine DVD, just like we are going to do with that old Peanut interview.

Zorak: Nah, let's just have the tape rot.

Space Ghost: How about, if Birdman does anything to anger us, we'll show the tape on his show, without him knowing.

Moltar: Good idea.

Zorak: Yeah.

Space Ghost: Now let's go to the Taco King.

Moltar, Zorak: Yeah!

Space Ghost: Yeah.

Birdman flies through the set as Tansut walks out.

Tansut: Hey, don't...oh it doesn't even matter anymore.

Cut back to the Birdman set.

Peanut: Okay, Phil?

Cut to a bloodily Phil.

Phil: Yeah, could be worse.

Peanut: Say Sam, you like tacos?

Sam: Yeah.

Peanut: Thinking about going to the Taco King on Mars.

Birdman flies through the set.

Birdman: BIRRRRRRDMAN!

Peanut: Hi Birdie, too bad your 11 minutes late for your own show.

Birdman: Really?

Phil: I did say the show will start in 10 seconds.

Birdman: I thought you said "10 minutes". Well, I finished my book, went and filmed an interview with Space Ghost on Ghost Planet promoting it.

Peanut: Really?

Birdman: Yeah. Say, isn't that a guy?

Birdman points to Sam.

Peanut: Yes, who plays a lawyer on "Law & Order".

Birdman pushes Peanut off and sits in his desk.

Birdman: What's your name?

Sam: Sam Waterson.

Birdman: My name is Ray Randall. You can call me Birdman.

Sam: I hear you're a lawyer, Ray.

Birdman: I said...Birdman.

Sam: Birdman, right.

Birdman: Yes, I'm a lawyer.

Sam: Well, I PLAY a lawyer.

Birdman: Playing, playtime is over, bub. It's time for some attorney action.

Sam: Okay...time me all you know.

Birdman: Keep your judges close, and the opposing attorney closer.

Sam: Okay, sure.

Birdman: Always bribe the judge if you lose the case.

Sam: Yeah.

Birdman: If your nervous, just think that it's the guy's ass on the line, not yours.

Sam: Well...okay.

Birdman: And just think to yourself, you're an actor in a hit courtroom drama starring a New York lawyer who defends for his rights and has an ADA at his side.

Sam: That's basically the character, I play.

Birdman: Smart guy, huh?

Sam: Smarter then you.

Pause.

Birdman: I didn't hear that.

Sam: I'm smarter then...

Birdman: Lalalalalalalalalala.

Sam: I said I'm...

Birdman: Lalalalalalalalalalala.

Sam: Forget it.

Birdman: That's what I'm trying to do.

Sam: Yeah. And that advice doesn't really help.

Birdman: What advice?

Sam: Your "lawyer" advice.

Birdman: My lawyer advice is the best advice around!

Peanut: Then how come sometimes you lose?

Cut to a clip from "A Very Personal Injury".

Reducto: I win! I win! I don't lose, I win! Oh, Hell.

Cut to a clip from "Deadomutt, Part 1".

Juror: Well find the defendant, not guilty. Ha, ha.

Mentok: What? I'm wrong! Oh well, guilty!

Mentok bangs the gavel.

Cut to a clip from "The Devlin Made Me Do It".

Squirrel: You...

Birdman:(V.O): Okay, I get the point.

Cut back to the set.

Birdman: I didn't need to see that.

Peanut: Oh, well.

Sam: Ha, ha.

Birdman: What are you laughing at?

Sam: You.

Birdman: I bet you filmed episodes, where your character lost the case.

Sam: Yeah, we did.

Birdman: Ha! I now have the last laugh.

Sam: Yes, you do.

Birdman: Have you been watching this "Survivor". Angie most be spinning in her grave.

Sam: Who?

Birdman: She is a contestant on Survivor: Palau, she watches Adult Swim.

Sam: Lots more ratings for Adult Swim, then.

Birdman: More ratings for me as well.

Sam: Ratings are good.

Birdman: You watch Lost?

Sam: No.

Birdman: Gilligan's Island, but without the funny.

Sam: Really.

Birdman: Yeah! And I heard it was a cross of Gilligan's Island and Survivor. Both shows I like, then I saw it was just a cheap rip off.

Sam: Really.

Birdman: Yeah, they don't even look real.

Pause.

Birdman: You see...

Sam: Sam.

Birdman: Yeah, Sam...that those guys look like puppets.

Sam: No, I think they're real.

Birdman: Nope. Marionettes.

Sam: I thought you said puppets.

Birdman: Marionettes & puppets are the same thing.

Sam: Yeah?

Birdman: Yep.

Sam: Yep.

Birdman: I wonder if I can have a puppet show: "The Birdman Puppets"...

Cut to a marionette version of Birdman.

Birdman: Hello, I'm Birdman. Tonight on The Birdman Puppets, puppet pal Peanut will get puppet pal-smacked by me!

Birdman walks over (very badly, I might add) and smacks Peanut as he screams.

Birdman: Now, puppet pal Phil is nearly dead...so no smacking him tonight.

Sound clip of audience booing.

Birdman: But we do have puppet rival Space Ghost to smack around!

Birdman rides on Space Ghost's back as he smacks him. Back to present.

Birdman: That will be sweet.

Sam: What?

Birdman: Being a puppet.

A worm covered in blood slides over the desk.

Birdman: What's this?

Peanut: A bloodmite, it's a termite/worm thing that feasts on blood and organs. Better call the exterminator.

Birdman: Okay.

Cut to Birdman on the phone.

Birdman: Okay then. 10 dollars. 1, 000, 0000 dollars. Okay, 5, 000, 000, 00,000,000 dollars. Fine, it's settled.

Cut to outside of the set, a hover-truck with the name "Kill Thy Worm". The wizard from "The Brak Show" Marion hovers out.

Marion: Hello Mr. Birdman, nice to see you.

Birdman: Go inside and exterminate my damn set!

Marion: Okay, just evacuate everyone.

Cut to Birdman, Phil, and Peanut & Avenger in the hover-van.

Birdman: Did you cut to commercial?

Phil: No.

Birdman: Ugh, crap. We can't cut to commercial unless one of us goes inside and pulls down the lever to start the ad break. No, let's stay here.

Phil: Anyone see any good movies lately?

Birdman: I saw The Aviator.

Phil: Any good?

Birdman: Not really.

Cut to inside. Marion is wearing a get-up and has a vacuum-cleaner type thing, releasing killer gas.

Marion: Come out, Bloodmites.

Pause.

Marion: Hurry up, Bloodmites.

Pause.

Marion: This is so stupid!

The gas spreads as Marion starts coughing.

Marion: I forgot the mask!

Marion then lies dead on the floor. Cut to the hover-van.

Peanut: Say, what happened to that X the Exterminator guy.

X the Exterminator comes out.

X the Exterminator: I'm here.

Peanut: Huh?

X the Exterminator: You see, I work with Marion. An "Earth" wizard who also works as an exterminator. Funny story isn't it?

Birdman: Not really.

Cut back to inside. The gas stops as the gang rush back in.

Peanut: Hey! The Bloodmites are dead! And it didn't take 6 months like I originally thought.

Birdman: Oh, no...Marion's dead.

Birdman moves Marion's body out of the frame.

Peanut: Oh Birdman, your guest is gone.

Birdman: What?

Peanut: Maybe the poison made the TV monitor go haywire, meaning the transmission went off.

Birdman: Oh, crap. Where am I going to get another guest to fill about five more minutes?

Peanut: I don't know.

Phil: This place smells, ha...ha.

Avenger: COR!

Birdman: Yes, my trusty sidekick go get another guest.

Avenger: CORRRRRRRRR!

Birdman: Okay, cut to commercial.

Phil: We'll be right back. Or will we?

Birdman: Yes.

Phil: So-rry. Ha! Ha!

Cut to commercial.

Cut to the set.

Birdman: You thought I couldn't think of a guest right?

Peanut: Yeah.

Birdman: Well, I thought of someone!

Peanut: Really?

Birdman: No. I'm going to air Space Ghost Coast to Coast bloopers.

Peanut: Sweet.

Cut to a black n' white screening counting down: "5, 4, 3, 2...". Cut to the Space Ghost set.

Space Ghost: Greetings, I'm Space Dork.

Zorak & Moltar laugh.

Space Ghost: I mean...guys!

Bob: Cut!

Cut to another blooper. Zorak is dressed up as Space Ghost.

Zorak: (doing Space Ghost impression): I'm Space Ghost, I'm so great. I have power bands to fend off my enemies. I'm so stupid! I had a crush on Fran Drescher, Judy Trunta & Sharon Stone.

Moltar walks in and laughs.

Moltar: That's great.

Bob: Cut!

Cut to Space Ghost with Bobcat Gothwait.

Space Ghost: Bobcat? What sort of name is that?

Bobcat: Uh...

Bob: Cut!

Cut to Birdman blasting Space Ghost.

Bob: CUT!

Cut to Space Ghost.

Space Ghost: Are we on?

Bob: CUTTTTTTTTTTTT!

Cut to Space Ghost tapping his cue cards.

Space Ghost: I have no material, so watch news at 11.

Bob: Oh, that's so CUT!

Cut to Space Ghost at the mess hall.

Space Ghost: I do feel sorry for Birdman, a little.

Bob: Huh? Okay, that's cut.

Cut to Space Ghost and Ol' Kentucky Shark.

Space Ghost: This is Ol' Kentucky Shark, looks like a plastic doll.

Bob: CUT!

Cut to the guys leaving.

Bob: That's it; I'm putting it on hiatus.

Cut to the mess hall.

Bob: You know why I put it on hiatus?

Space Ghost: Because we are naughty employees.

Bob: YES! We won't even consider making a ninth season until you come in and get your lines right! You got it.

Space Ghost: Yes, sir.

Bob: Good, no Taco King tonight.

Everyone groans.

Zorak: Thanks alot Space Ghost.

Moltar: Yeah, thanks.

Space Ghost: You're welcome.

Zorak punches Space Ghost.

Space Ghost: Hey!

Space Ghost blasts Zorak.

Space Ghost: Take that!

The reel of bloopers ends as the "Birdman" crew applause.

Birdman: That was great, wasn't it?

Peanut: Oh, yeah.

Birdman: I hope the people at home enjoyed that as much as we did. Whoa!

Peanut: HE likes YOU.

Birdman: I know! As if I like him.

Phil: Ha, ha.

Phil dies.

Birdman: Now we need to attend a second funeral.

Cut to Birdman, Peanut & Avenger at Marion's funeral.

Priest: And Marion was a good wizard unlike Harry Potter...

Cut to the second funeral.

Priest: And Phil was a great comrade among the four musketeers.

Birdman: Four?

Cut back to the set.

Birdman: I enjoyed that.

Peanut: It's a funeral, Harvey...you weren't supposed to enjoy it!

Birdman: Well, I liked the food...okay.

Peanut: Yeah sure.

Space Ghost crashes through the set with the Phantom Cruiser. Space Ghost walks out.

Space Ghost: Hello.

Birdman: Hi.

Space Ghost: You attended a funeral, huh?

Peanut: Yeah.

Space Ghost: Two to be exact.

Peanut: Oh yeah.

Birdman: Sam's funeral is tomorrow.

Space Ghost: I see. Say, I have a video of the interview I did with Birdman, early tonight.

Birdman: Huh?

Space Ghost: Moltar also spliced in some of your show's bloopers, as well.

Birdman: You saw that time-killer thing we did?

Space Ghost: Oh, yeah.

Birdman: End the show, Avenger! End the show!

End credits.


	4. Breakdown

Birdman Coast to Coast

Breakdown

Cut to a screen reading: "Birdman Coast to Coast won't be seen tonight, due to news coverage". The screen then goes to the News Alien (from The Brak Show).

News Alien: News just in a few seconds ago, there was a big tidal wave in Ghost Planet. People say it wasn't caused by Mother Nature...

Cut to a womanly cloud.

Mother Nature: Really? I thought I sent minions to cause that tsunami.

Cut back to the News Alien.

News Alien: ...but by terrorists. Space Ghost is on the scene.

Cut to Space Ghost.

News Alien: (V.O): So Space Ghost, you haven't found anything yet?

Space Ghost: Well, we have one clue a polyester blue vest and piece of a green foot. If anyone can find the culprit, please call 8279-CRIME. Your knowledge of the crime will really help us.

News Alien: (V.O): Well, we have our first caller. Hello, you're on the air.

Caller:(V.O): Hello, this is...uh..., Ray. Ray Charles.

Space Ghost: Ray Charles is dead, you must be a zombie!

Space Ghost blasts a lifeguard.

Caller:(V.O): I mean, Ray Dick.

Phil:(V.O): Ha, ha. Dick.

Space Ghost: Birdman, is that you?

Birdman:(V.O): Okay, it's me. I want my show to be on. Air news coverage, just air my God forsaken' show!

Space Ghost: Okay.

Announcer: We'll now join Birdman Coast to Coast in progress.

Cut to the set.

Birdman: ...so, that's my reasoning for why Peanut is so stupid.

Peanut: Stop practising for the big interview.

Birdman: Shut up. Alrighty...

Peanut: Space Ghost.

Birdman: Huh?

Peanut: Space Ghost, he says that.

Birdman: Who ca...

Cut back to the News Alien.

News Alien: News just in! Moltar Molten, the star of the hit talk show Space Ghost Coast to Coast has admitted to witnessing the act of terrorism!

Birdman:(V.O): Huh?

News Alien: You said we can air news coverage as long as we air your show. So, shut up. Moltar has chosen to allow the police to put him in questioning.

Opening credits.

Phil: Tonight on Birdman Coast to Coast, controversial radio personality Howard Stern, controversial cartoonist John K. and last, controversial judge, Simon Cowell. Here's your host...

Birdman crashes through the set.

Birdman: BIR...

Cut back to the News Alien.

News Alien: What the Hell was that?

Birdman:(V.O): Fighting airtime with airtime.

News Alien: You can't do that! Only we can do that! We'll kill you!

News Alien goes sideways.

News Alien: Here's a stolen tape from Ghost Planet Police Station...

Cut to a black and white tape of Moltar in a questioning room.

Space Ghost:(V.O): Okay, Mr. Molten...if you won't mind we'll tape you while we ask the questions and you answer them.

Moltar: Well, me and Zorak were just looking for some fun, right...but he decided to steal a 50 ton nuclear mega bomb from Space Ghost's stash of confiscated weapons over in his Phantom Cruiser. Then Zorak decided to drop the bomb in the waters at Ghost Planet Beach, it was like okay...then...

Space Ghost:(V.O): Then what?

Moltar: He decided to denote it, causing a mega tidal wave. Zorak & me were laughing manically, until we saw you on the news, Space Ghost.

Space Ghost walks out.

Space Ghost: Moltar! HEY, you stole my nuclear mega bomb!

Space Ghost blasts Moltar. Cut back to Birdman in the set.

Birdman: So Howard, that's why you switched to satellite?

Howard: Yeah, I mean...the FCC is a kick in the balls, man.

Birdman: We at Birdman Coast to Coast aren't censored by the FCC, but by the Department of Standards & Practises. This is like a cable version of the FCC.

Howard: Yeah, I suppose.

Birdman: I mean, how stupid the FCC is. Going berserk just because of a bearing of half a breast on live TV. This is not live if it were, it will be censored, yep, I can say bleep without getting censored.

Howard: What was that?

Birdman: Censorship gone mad.

Howard: Censorship has gone fucking mad!

Birdman: Right on!

Howard: We need to fight the good fight!

Birdman: The very good fight!

Howard: The fight so bleeping good! That you and me Birdman, won't get censored no more!

Birdman: Hey, FCC...go crazy over this!

Birdman pulls his pants down, and shows a blurred penis.

Birdman: Huh?

Howard: What was that?

Birdman: Censorship gone worse.

Howard: Censorship is so stupid.

Birdman: Yeah, totally.

Peanut: You know something? I feel this show will get cancelled.

Birdman: Yeah, right!

Phil: Ha, ha. Denial.

Birdman: Well, they've aired 3 episodes so far. That's good.

Peanut: They should really cancel "Tom Goes to the Mayor".

Birdman: Hey, Bob Odenkirk is on this show next week! Well, not next week, the week after.

Peanut: Because of Valentine's Day.

Birdman: Yeah.

Phil: Ha, ha.

Birdman: I like this, me and Howard...talking about censorship and how crazy it has gotten.

Howard: Yep.

Birdman: Love it man.

Howard: Animated character and a real character.

Birdman: Love.

Howard: And me and Birdman will rule the FCC!

Birdman: Love.

Avenger: COR!

Birdman: Yes, Avenger. I'll feed you "Eagle Snacks". Just wait.

Birdman walks out of frame. Cut to the News Alien.

News Alien: Space Ghost has arrested the culprit, Zorak Key. They say his from the Planet Zor and his parents were born in Iraqi. Meanwhile, Zorak Bashington calls: "Space Ghost stupid". No one knows why, but who cares?

Cut back to Birdman walking back to the set.

Birdman: I feed him.

Howard: Hi Birdie, your back.

Birdman: Yeah, but Avenger is so annoying...he made me suck his...

Howard: Cock?

Birdman: No, he doesn't like that! Eagle Snacks. Suck it, and then regurgitate it into his mouth.

Howard: But his an eagle?

Birdman: I know what he is; I brought him back in the 1967, when I decided to fight crime.

Howard: 1967, you're an old fuck aren't you?

Birdman: Yep.

Howard: Fuck, it feels good to say it, but God I hate it when the FCC likes to takeover and censor it!

Birdman: I mean, it's just a word.

Howard: Fuck yeah!

Birdman: Uh, I love you Howard Wings.

Howard: I'm Howard Stern.

Birdman: I know what I said.

Howard Wings: You can accomplish a lot Birdman, even for a happily-married, two children, and half gay man...you sure made a living for yourself.

Birdman: Yep.

Howard Wings: I know, and I don't love you.

Birdman: Ow. My heart broke.

Phil: Huh?

Peanut: What?

Birdman: I like pies, you like pies?

Peanut: I like pies.

Birdman: Shut up!

Howard: Pies are pretty good, never really had the stuff.

Birdman: There goes my heart!

Howard: Birdman's heart is broken.

Birdman: It is! I need a new one!

Howard & Birdman laugh.

Peanut: I like those Australian meat pies. Meat has a new friend, pie.

Birdman: Never really liked that. I like chocolate pie.

Peanut: Chocolate?

Birdman: Oh, yeah. Blue M&M, red M&M, yellow M&M and red M&M.

Peanut: You had red twice.

Birdman: I know what I said!

Howard: While we are talking about pies, chicken pies.

Birdman: Please don't say chicken pies.

Howard: Chicken! Chicken pies! Chicken!

Birdman starts sobbing.

Birdman: Avenger, cut to commercial.

Phil: We'll be ri...

Cut to the News Alien.

News Alien: Space Ghost has put Zorak Key to questioning; here we'll show you the video...live!

Cut to the black and white tape. Zorak Key appears in a same kind of outfit as Moltar.

Zorak Key: I wasn't there.

Space Ghost: Well, do you know Moltar?

Zorak Key: Yes, I'm his nephew. I'm only 9 years old!

Space Ghost: 9. Better excuse then that. Why are you so tall?

Zorak Key: Because, all poorly drawn kind of a molten man are born like this.

Space Ghost: Huh! I don't believe that!

Zorak Key: But!

Space Ghost: You're under arrest for terrorism!

Zorak Key: But I didn't do it!

Space Ghost: Tell that to Judge Mightor when we get to court!

Cut to commercial. Cut back to the News Alien.

News Alien: Oh, what was that?

Bob: Sorry, early cut.

News Alien: Now back to Birdman before he gets pissed off at us.

Cut back to Birdman.

Birdman: Our next guest is a cartoonist; he has created "The Ren & Stimpy Show", "The Ripping Friends" & "Ren & Stimpy Adult Party Cartoon". Here's Johnny!

Cut to a memoriam reading: "Dedicated to the memory of Johnny Carson", then back to the show.

John: Hello Birdman.

Birdman: That was quick Johnny.

John: Please, call me John.

Birdman: John. John Becker, John Zoidberg, John from "Days of Our Lives". So on and so forth.

John: Yeah. I hear you used to be a superhero.

Birdman: Yep. Back in the glorious decade of the '60s.

Cut a clip. Phil is on the screen.

Phil: It's about to you, Birdman to stop this menace.

Cut to Birdman in the air talking to Avenger.

Birdman: Stay here, Avenger. I might need you.

Cut back to present.

Birdman: Those were the days. What was up with our voices back then?

Peanut: I don't know.

Birdman: I mean, now I sound like the guy who played the dad in that 1995 Brady Bunch movie.

Peanut: Speaking of 1995 wasn't that when we taped that second pilot.

Birdman: Yeah. We filmed the first one the year before that. After Space Ghost rehearsed the series premiere on April 13th, 1994...well, he wanted more money, so they hired me. We rehearsed it all over again on April 14th 1994; Bob fired me...and decided to stop the production of the show, until Space Ghost came back 5 seconds before the show was supposed to be on, so they taped it live.

John: That's a long story.

Birdman: I know.

Peanut: Pretty long, the story of Birdman began in 1967 when Bob was looking for someone to star in there own show...Birdman got hired. After the show got cancelled in 1968, he became a hobo...no one noticed it, was so until he had the opportunity to star in his own show again in 1994. It didn't work out, so he became a hobo again, his wife Sylvia divorced him, and then turned to drugs, he then went to rehab and hit the bottle. He got his own show this year, finally.

John: Another long story.

Birdman: I was born on February 7th, 1942.

Pause.

Birdman: Hey! Today is my 61st birthday!

John: Happy birthday!

Peanut: Yeah, who cares?

Birdman: Me.

Birdman drinks beer, then snorts cocaine up his nose.

Peanut: BIRDMAN!

Birdman: No, Peanut...here's you do it. Ahem! BIRRRRRRRRRRRRRDMAN!

Peanut: Whatever.

Birdman: What ever do you mean?

Peanut: I was born on September 10th 1967, they gave me aging enhancement drugs to look like a teenager and talk like a teenager.

Phil: While we are discussing birthdays, I was born on January 1st 1921. Ha, ha. I'm old.

John: What about me?

Birdman: Yes, what about you?

John: It isn't fair.

Birdman: What.

John: All my shows got cancelled.

Birdman: I know how that can feel.

Cut to Birdman walking over to his chair, Bob walks over.

Bob: Birdman, CBS loves your show!

Birdman: It's getting renewed?

Bob: Nnnnnno.

Birdman: Say it but slower.

Bob: No.

Birdman: What!

Bob: No.

Birdman: Huh?

Bob: No.

Birdman: I know what you said! I'm just shocked.

Cut back to the present.

Birdman: Oh well, it's time for that idiotic mailbag thingy-ma-bob with Reducto Short.

Cut to Reducto.

Reducto: Oh Birdman, just tell everyone my last name! They might as well know my real name is Martin!

Birdman: Martin? Short? Makes sense.

Reducto: Our first letter is from that newscaster guy. "To Reducto, tell Birdman that after you read the letters, we'll air live footage of the Zorak Key trial." Oh well...okay, next letter is from Zorak Bashington: "To Martin Short, this is for the idiot Space Ghost, you've got the wrong person, but I bet you won't find me!". Okay, that's odd our next letter is from Moltar Molten: "To Zorak, you are right Space Ghost is so stupid. He got my nephew who is named after you". Okay, that's all...

Cut to the News Alien.

News Alien: We now go live to the trial.

Cut to the courtroom. Zorak Key is in the witness box.

Judge Mightor: State your first name, your last name, and occupation.

Zorak Key: Zorak & Key & student.

Judge Mightor: Last time I checked, being a student is not a job.

Dr. Nightmare walks up.

Dr. Nightmare: So Mr. Key, you claimed you weren't at Ghost Planet Beach when the act of terrorism was committed.

Zorak Key: Yes.

Dr. Nightmare: The nuclear mega bomb was denoted at 9:59pm, but my client wasn't at the beach until 10:00pm. Which means, my client Zorak Moltar Key, is not guilty!

Aveturro steps up.

Aveturro: Up 'jection.

Judge Mightor: Sustained.

Dr. Nightmare: Thank you, your honour. My client Mr. Key was at home preparing to watch Birdman Coast to Coast, but when he saw news coverage...he went to Ghost Planet Beach.

Judge Mightor: I hate that Birdbreath Coast to Coast.

Dr. Nightmare: Which was when that jillion people were killed. My client is only 9 years old, so how would he be able to denote the bomb.

Aveturro: Up 'jection! His client could have easily pressed the "denote" button.

Judge Mightor: Taken to the record.

Dr. Nightmare: Why am I working at 10:16 at night?

Judge Mightor: Because you just are!

Dr. Nightmare: Taken to mind.

Cut to News Alien.

News Alien: Some trouble with the live broadband video stream, we'll get back to it after this...Birdman segment.

Cut back to Birdman.

Birdman: Since we didn't have the "Ask the Big Banana" last week, we will have 2 "Ask the Big Bananas" this week to make up for the lost time.

Cut to the screen reading: "Ask the Big Banana".

Phil: Ask the Big Banana! Ha, ha.

Cut to Birdman in a banana suit in a public street.

Birdman: ASK THE BIG BANANA! ASK THE BIG BANANA! ASK THE BIG BANANA! (A woman in a scarf walks up to him) Say, ask the big banana.

Woman: Big Banana? I suck on a big banana at home.

Woman leaves.

Birdman: Really funny! You mean COCK right?

A man with glasses walks up to him.

Birdman: Say, four-eyes...ask the big banana.

Man: Fuck off.

Man leaves.

A cheerleader walks up to him.

Birdman: The big banana wants you!

Cheerleader: No way!

Birdman: Hey, stay there. I want to...rape you.

Cut to a hotel. Birdman and the cheerleader on in bed.

Cheerleader: HELP! Hey, that's a big banana. Heh, heh.

Cheerleader starts sucking on it.

Birdman: That's hot! I now want to suck your titties.

Birdman strips the cheerleader and sits sucking her tits.

Cheerleader: BIRRRRRRRRRDMAN!

The bed now starts bouncing up and down. Back to the set.

Peanut: Can you show that sort of stuff?

Birdman: Hey, I just did.

Phil: Well, that was...hot.

Phil has an erection, as his penis then sticks out his pants.

Birdman: Well, Phil is now officially a dirty old man.

Phil: Ha, ha. Dick.

Cut back to the set.

John: I wish I could get away with that sort of stuff on the adult version of Ren & Stimpy.

Birdman: Ren & Stimpy Adult Party Cartoon.

John: That's right. There was this episode where there was basically this naked chick. There was so much nudity; the FCC wouldn't allow Spike TV to air it.

Birdman: That's just sad.

John: Pfft, I agree.

Birdman: And it was supposed to be for adults. That's why there is the word "Adult" in the title. If it was for kids it would've had "Kid".

John: Some guys you just can't reason with.

Birdman: Has that episode aired yet?

John: Nope. It was supposed to air back in 2003.

Birdman: How said.

Bob: Guys, we're going to air news thing again, so be prepared.

Birdman: I'm so sick of that! Can't they just air my show in peace!

John: Seems not.

Cut to the News Alien guy.

News Alien: News just in...

Birdman pushes the screen.

Birdman: ...Birdman's pissed off!

Peanut: You got your show back.

Birdman: The culprit is Zorak Bashington, his hiding in my studio.

Zorak: Hey!

Birdman: And I'm going to destroy him!

Birdman blasts Zorak.

Birdman: I'm so pissed off at that news thing! They wouldn't like me when I'm angry!

Birdman transforms into a The Incredible Hulk-type person as he goes on a rampage.

Peanut: Bad talk show host!

Birdman destroys the music desk.

Peanut: Oh no.

Phil: We'll be right back.

Birdman punches Phil.

Phil: Ha, ha. He punched me.

Cut to commercial.

Cut back to the set.

Peanut: It's weird how he went crazy all of a sudden.

Phil: Ha, ha. I'm nuts. My nuts.

Peanut: Where is he now?

Cut to Birdman climbing a tall building with the cheerleader in his left hand ala King Kong.

Birdman: ME BIRRRRRRRRRDMAN! ME ANGRY!

Cyclo: Get him.

The police start shooting at him.

Birdman: YOU CANNOT HARM THE BIRDMAN!

Cheerleader: HELP!

Birdman: SHUT UP!

Cheerleader: Sorry.

Birdman: WHAT!

Cut to Peanut in Birdman's place.

Peanut: Hello John.

John: Hi.

Peanut: Well, you have to leave now. We have to squeeze in one more guest.

John: Really?

Peanut: Yeah, pretty much.

John: Well see you Pe...

Cut to the News Alien.

News Alien: We are now back in this news coverage, the REAL terrorist has been found dead in the Birdman Coast to Coast studio. Birdman killed him on the show just before commercial. We are now going to arrest him and the dead mantis. Zorak Key has been released from Spacecatraz.

Cut to Cyclo.

Cyclo: The individual Zorak Key has been released upon evidence showing that Zorak Bashington was the terrorist behind this craziness.

Pause.

Cyclo: I used to be a prisoner here.

Cut back to the set.

Peanut: Now I know how Harvey feels.

Phil: I'm wearing new stylish disco pants.

Phil is wearing shiny pants which look like a disco ball.

Phil: My old pants tore.

Peanut: I know, I was there.

Phil: You see, these pants have the comfort and style of a disco ball. Ha, ha. Doesn't make any sense.

Peanut: Where's Simon?

Phil: Avenger said he wasn't there yet.

Avenger: COR!

Phil: Off judging the next American Idol.

Simon Cowell appears on the screen.

Peanut: Simon!

Simon: Space Ghost?

Peanut: Peanut.

Simon: Birdman?

Peanut: Peanut!

Simon: What is this: "The Peanut Show"?

Peanut: Actually it is.

Phil: Ha, ha. Liar.

Peanut: I am not a liar.

Phil: It's Birdman Coast to Coast.

Peanut: Yes it is. But Birdman is gone.

Cut to Birdman destroying downtown. Cut back to the set.

Phil: MUSIC CONTEST!

Simon: Oh, no.

Cut to a karaoke stage. Phil is in a stylish disco shirt (unbuttoned) and his disco pants.

Phil: I want to make love to youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.

Simon: Next.

Cut to Peanut in a Peanut costume.

Peanut: I love peanuts, peanuts rule. Peanut is my name, and don't wear it out. You can squash me and spread me and stuff! I'm a delicious little peanut.

Simon: Oh, God. Next.

Cut to Brak.

Brak: Hello, I name is Brak Bashington and I'm here to say, if you want to brake...call Brak! He knows how, his only 16 years old! I went to jail and stuff; I became dumb when I fell out of the Ghost Planet Studios! That is my story!

Simon: Oh, please...no.

Cut to a chained-up Zorak.

Zorak :(same singing voice from "The Brak Show"): I hate life! I hate life, so very much! I...tried to kill Space Ghost, but he regenerated! That's what you get!

Simon: Much better then these beanbags.

Sound clip of audience clapping.

Zorak:(normal voice): Thank you! Thank you!

Zorak rushes off.

Space Ghost: I'll get you, Zor-ak!

Space Ghost rushes off.

Cut to normal set.

Simon: That was random.

Peanut: I agree.

Phil: Will I be the next American Idol?

Simon: Read my lips. No.

Peanut: I know I won't.

Simon: Where is this Birdman anyway?

Peanut: Oh, his destroying downtown.

Simon: What a hulk.

Peanut: You'd be pleasantly surprised when you see him.

Cut to Birdman destroying downtown.

Birdman: ME BIRRRRRRRRRRDMAN!

Birdman shrinks to normal size as the cheerleader falls to her death.

Birdman: Oh crap.

Before falling, he flies up and flies down.

Birdman: There, I'm not dead like that cheerleader.

Cyclo comes up to him and arrests him. Cut to the "Ask the Big Banana" segment.

Phil: Guess what time it is? Ask the Big Banana time!

Cut to Birdman in a banana suit on the street.

Birdman: Eh, ask the big banana. Ask it anything.

A teenager walks up to him.

Teenager: I'll ask you something! Can you suck on your own balls!

Birdman: Sure I can.

Birdman goes down and down, cut to the shocked teenager's face.

Teenager: SICK!

The teenager runs off.

Birdman: What I do for people.

Master Shake hobbles up to him.

Master Shake: Hello Mr. Birdman.

Birdman: Shake.

Master Shake: I see, you stole an idea from Space Ghost, didn't you?

Birdman: Yep.

Master Shake: I was on one episode!

Master Shake kicks (or whatever he would do) in Birdman's nuts as Birdman goes down.

Birdman: My balls! And I just sucked on them!

Space Ghost walks up to him.

Space Ghost: Have you seen Zorak, anywhere?

Birdman: I don't know.

Space Ghost blasts Birdman.

Space Ghost: Thanks for being helpful! NOT!

Space Ghost walks off.

Birdman: I just made up a theme song...ahem! I am the big banana. Come on up and ask me stuff! I'm a terrible singer and stuff, put please don't be so rough. I'm so of all those accusations, I just wish I was free.

A man walks up and dumps 10 dollars in the suit.

Man: Go buy something.

Birdman: Okay.

Cut to prison. It is revealed Birdman is watching it.

Birdman: Uh, I hate this.

Cyclo: Shut up! You have the right to a free call.

Birdman is on the phone.

Receptionist: You have rung Birdman Coast to Coast studios; the show is currently on the air. If you want them to cut to a news break, press one, if you want to just wait, press two, if you just want to hang up, press three. Choose now.

Birdman presses: "One".

Receptionist: You have chosen, free head job, if you want all sexual positions, press one, if you want a Hot Karl, press two, if you want a Red Rocket, press three. Choose now.

Birdman presses: "One".

Receptionist: You have chosen, cut to a news break. The following show is now in "news break" mode. The following person you will hear will be: "Peanut".

Peanut: Hi, who is this?

Birdman: Since when if you chose one, you'll be given choices for head jobs?

Peanut: Oh, our show is sponsored by a phone sex line. Say, what do you want?

Birdman: I'm in jail.

Peanut: Figures. I suppose, you want me to bail you out then.

Birdman: Yep.

Birdman hangs up. Cut to the "Spacecatraz" prison. Peanut, Phil & Avenger walk in.

Birdman: Thank you guys! I had a total breakdown and they arrested him for it.

Peanut: Here's the 10 bucks for you to pay off.

Birdman: Thank you! Say, Cyclo! Here's the money.

Cyclo grabs the money.

Cyclo: Very good, you can be free now.

Cyclo opens the prison and Birdman walks out.

Phil: Wait, I thought you got 10 bucks because when you were in the banana suit, because it looked like you were a homeless person.

Birdman: I spent it...on hookers.

Peanut: That's my Birdie.

Birdman: Thanks for letting me go! I really needed that.

Cyclo: No problem.

Cyclo leaves.

Birdman: Where's Simon Cowell?

Peanut: Oh shit!

Cut back to the set.

Simon Cowell: Hello?

Cut to outer view.

Simon Cowell: Worst show ever.

End credits.


	5. Gunfire n' Stuff

Birdman Coast to Coast

Gunfire n' Stuff

Cut to Jellystone Park. Phil & Birdman walk with guns to find P.E.T.A. protesting.

Birdman: Wait? Why are there protesters here?

Phil: Listen, Birdman I didn't bring you here just because it's bear season.

Cut to Yogi Bear's cave.

Yogi: Say Boo Boo, it's bear season. We better hide, because I'm smarter then the average bear! Heh, heh.

Boo Boo: I don't know Yogi, we have a cave, but what happens if the N.R.A. comes?

Yogi: Don't worry my little chump. Yogi will save the day.

The N.R.A. comes and starts shooting them both. Cut back to Phil & Birdman.

Birdman: Huh? So it isn't bear season?

Phil: It's bear season, but it's also bird season.

Birdman: Bear season!

Phil: Bird season!

Birdman: Bear season!

Phil: Bird season!

Birdman: Bear season!

Phil: Bear season.

Birdman: Bird season! SHOOT ME!

Birdman grabs his gun and shoots himself in the face.

Birdman: Ow.

Phil: The group G.U.N. is protesting against the use of guns in this bear and bird seasons.

Birdman: What's G.U.N. stand for?

Phil: Gumbos United to stop use of Narcotics and weapons.

Birdman: Huh.

Phil: Yes, why. I can't have cocaine without some guy from G.U.N. burning it, I just sniff it anyway. Ha, ha...hippies.

Birdman: So what's the point of all this, Phil?

Phil: Listen Birdman, I'm an ordinary person...but, those dumb ass liberals need to learn that because of guns, Saddam said "Please, don't shoot". Ha, ha...beard. Gun control issues are now and never Birdman, that's why I personally cut off our sponsorship deal with that phone sex company and got a sponsorship deal from Gunfire n' Stuff, the gun store in New Orleans.

Birdman: What? You cut off the deal!

Phil: Yes Birdman, but I had to do it.

Birdman: Oh, crap. I fear something is going to happen.

Cut to the set. The place is filled up guns and other weapons and has four signs reading: "Go to Gunfire n' Stuff, Today!". A guy walks over to Birdman.

Guy: Hello, my name is Bill; I now run your show. Bob got fired.

Birdman: Poor Bob.

Cut to Bob crying in his house.

Bob: Why?

Cut back to the set.

Bill: So, I'm going to make a few changes. Number 1, always mention my gun store after and before every commercial.

Birdman: Yep.

Bill: Also recommend my store to the celebrities on your show.

Birdman: I know.

Bill: Also, please...please change your name to Jay Leno the second, Birdman is such a turnoff.

Birdman: Why, Jay Leno the second?

Bill: Because, people like Jay Leno, actually people like Conan O'Brien better. Conan O'Brien the second.

Birdman: Oh, God.

Bill: Peanut.

Cut to Peanut in a Rambo-style outfit, with a flamethrower.

Bill: Okay, you're good. Phil?

Cut to Phil with a gun through his chest.

Bill: That's what I like to see. Now let's make the best God 'dang show, ever! Avenger...

Cut to Avenger with a James Bond style outfit, with a pistol.

Bill: Roll the credits, okay bud.

Avenger: Cor.

Bill: That's what I like to see.

Opening credits.

Phil: Tonight, on Conan O'Brien the Second Coast to Coast, star of the blunder "Tom Goes to the Mayor", Bob Odenkirk. Gangsta' rapper 50 Cent and comedian Lewis Black. After, the show, go to the Gunfire n' Stuff located in New Orleans, ha...ha.

Cut to the set. Birdman walks in his "lawyer" suit.

Birdman: Hello, I'm, eh...Conan O'Brien the second.

Peanut: And I'm, Max Weinberg the second.

Birdman: Has anyone read the newspaper, lately?

Peanut: Nope.

Birdman: It appears my, eh...father, Conan O'Brien is going to host the Tonight Show after Jay Leno retires.

Peanut: Uh, Conan...that's old news.

Birdman: I hope he keeps his...his...his...

Bill: Crudeness, crudeness!

Birdman: Crudeness.

Bill: That was close.

Birdman: Because if he doesn't, he'd be as boring as David Letterman!

Pause.

Birdman: God, I hate these new writers!

Bill: Conan.

Birdman: IT'S BIRDMAN! NOT CONAN! BIRRRRRRRRRDMAN!

Peanut: Whatever you say, Conan.

Bill: Avenger, cut.

Avenger: Cor.

Birdman: I just don't get it how I have to be called "Conan".

Bill: Well, that's thing. I told you before the show, that the name "Birdman" is a turn-off. Also, lay off the oral sex jokes, okay?

Birdman: Okay.

Bill: Remember, you're Conan O'Brien the second.

Birdman: Conan O'Brien the second. Got it.

Bill: Okay, are we buddies?

Birdman: Oh, okay.

Bill: Send in the first guest, Avenger.

Cut to the TV which reveals Bob Odenkirk.

Bob: Hello, Birdman.

Birdman: It's Conan.

Bob: Birdman, Conan, whatever.

Birdman: How do you like your show? Tom Goes to the Mayor.

Bob: Well, I know a lot of people hate it, but I love it personally. Tom & Eric are two very unexperienced people, yet so talented.

Birdman: Talented as me?

Bob: Yeah, I suppose. Conan.

Birdman: You should go to the Gunfire n' Stuff store after the show!

Bob: Guns, oh no, I don't want to get involved with guns.

Birdman: C'mon, please...we've sponsored by that store, and if you don't agree, then my name is Conan O'Brien the second.

Bob: No, I don't support guns in anyway.

Birdman: Stupid aging hippie liberal douche.

Bob: I'm not aging, I'm actually pretty young.

Birdman: Oh, how am I supposed to know that?

Bob laughs.

Birdman: You still friends with David Cross?

Bob: Oh, yeah. Me and David are still pretty close, especially after the Mr. Show thing we did way back.

Birdman: Mr. Show?

Bob: Oh yeah, it's this thing...way back. His even guest starred in a recent episode of Tom Goes to the Mayor we did.

Birdman: His joined the list.

Bob: Me, Jack Black, Kyle Gass.

Birdman: Patton Oswait, Jeff Golblum.

Bob: Yeah, some more.

Birdman: Oh yeah.

Bill: Go back to the subject of the guns.

Birdman: No.

Bill: Yes.

Birdman: No.

Bill: Yes.

Birdman: Yes.

Bill: No, I mean...ugh!

Bob: What about the guns?

Birdman: Our sponsor, Gunfire n' Stuff is taking over MY show, that I rightfully earned.

Bob: So...

Birdman: I went through pregnancies, drugs, alcohol, rehab, hobo life, Space Ghost, the POLICE, court, lawyer school & now this bull crap!

Bob: This show is bull crap?

Birdman: NO! These sponsors are ruining it by...

Peanut shoots Birdman.

Bill: Thank you, Max.

Peanut: Bill.

Bill: Well, there is now the case of finding a host.

Birdman comes back alive.

Birdman: Hi.

Bill, Phil & Peanut: UGH!

Avenger: Cor.

Bill: You came back alive!

Birdman: I know. I have 10 lives. I know have 9 left.

Phil: Ha, ha. You scared me.

Birdman: I know, aren't I great?

Peanut: No, you're not Conan.

Birdman: Sorry.

Bill: You know what you should do Birdman? Opening monologues.

Birdman: I already did that.

Bob: So...

Birdman: Yes, Bob.

Bob (the director): What?

Birdman: Not you Bob, that Bob.

Bob (the director): Oh, sorry.

Bob (the director) leaves.

Bill: How could you already have done a opening monologue? It wasn't that funny.

Birdman: OKAY! I'll do a friggin' CLOSING monologue.

Bill: No such thing.

Birdman: Who cares?

Bill: Me.

Birdman: You think, you're so f...

Cut to a man in a pub.

Man: I, reckon, I'm pretty good.

The bartender gets a gun and shoots him.

Man #2: You okay, Jake.

Man #3: C'mon Jake, let's go to Gunfire n' Stuff.

Cut to the Gunfire n' Stuff store.

Announcer: Go to Gunfire n' Stuff, with our friendly service.

Cut to a person with a shotgun kicking the three men out.

Person: If you don't like it! You can just GET out!

Announcer: Our great guns.

Cut to a picture of all the guns in the store.

Announcer: And since it's almost Easter, in a month or so, or whatever...we'll throw in a 99 percent off deal! That's just so great, we're going to vomit!

Cut to a live action clip of little kids vomiting from the movie "Little Nicky". Cut back to the store.

Announcer: Go to Gunfire n' Stuff. Now, we'll throw in free gun insurance.

Cut to the set.

Bill: Okay, got out all your angry-s.

Birdman: No.

Bill: Oh, that's too bad.

Birdman: WHY! WHY IS IT SOOOOOOO BAD! HUH? HUH? HUH!

Bill: Because our next guest is "gangsta rapper" 50 Cent.

Birdman: I suppose Bob "Thinks a dumb show is funny" Odenkirk is leaving now.

Bill: Yeah.

Bob: See you Conan.

Birdman: Yeah, go to Hell.

Bob: Conan! Be nice to the guest!

Birdman: Okay, I'm sorry, I'm just sooooooo sorry.

Bob: Don't be so sarcastic.

Birdman: I can be as sarcastic as I like! Okay, buddy! Huh? Okay.

Phil rushes in.

Phil: We'll be right back.

Cut to commercial.

Cut to the set.

Birdman: His still here, isn't he?

Peanut: Yep.

Birdman: Go now, Mr. Show.

Bob gets out of his chair and walks off; Brak comes in and sits down.

Birdman: Oh no.

Brak: Hi! My name is Brak.

Birdman: I know.

Brak: I like my Atari!

Birdman: AVENGER! AVENGER! AVVVVVVVENGER!

Cut to Avenger on the beach with bikini-clad women. Cut back to the set.

Brak: I like you Birdman!

Bill: Love! He appeals to the 2-11 demographic!

Birdman: But this show isn't for kids! Why do you reckon it's on at 10:00pm!

Bill: But his so cute and dumb. Just like a cat.

Birdman: His a space cat.

Space Ghost flies through.

Space Ghost: SPPPPPPACE GHOST!

Bill: Well, that explains it.

Birdman: Uh, get him out of here.

Cut to security guards grabbing Brak off.

Brak: Hi! My name is Brak! What's your?

Security Guard #1: My name is "shut the Hell up".

Security Guard #2: Yeah, shut the Hell up.

Birdman: That's good.

Peanut: But where's Avenger?

Cut to Avenger on the beach with bikini-clad women. Cut back to the set.

Birdman: Oh man, isn't it hot in here?

Peanut: Well, we are on the Sun.

Birdman: Oh, yeah.

Bill: Where's 50 Cent?

Birdman: You mean "Curtis Jackson"?

Bill: Yeah, whatever.

Birdman: Next week, we'll get Erik Estrada, okay?

Bill: Well, he will fit in our budget.

Birdman: Now we have budget cuts?

Bill: Well, so far you've had three lawsuits, from Lokar, Ted Turner & a cheerleader.

Birdman: So what?

Bill: And you killed Trey Parker, Matt Stone & Sam Waterson.

Birdman: Those were all accidents.

Bill: Yeah, right.

Birdman: Oh, yeah right to you too.

Bill: We now have to slash the budget of the two segments, that mailbag thing and "Ask the Big Banana", there's a sex joke in there. I said lay off the sex jokes!

Birdman: You said ORAL sex jokes!

Bill: Oh, yeah...right. Sorry.

Birdman: Huh, let's just get 50 Cent in here.

Pause.

Birdman: Why isn't he in here!

Bill: Avenger is gone, his filming an ad for my store.

Birdman: Oh, Pe...I mean Max.

Peanut: No.

Phil: No.

Reducto: No.

Aveturro: No.

Spyro: No.

Judge Mightor: No.

Mentok: N-no. Yes! Mindtaking!

Droopy: No.

Gigi: No.

Birdman: Okay, I'll do it then.

Birdman tries to reach forwards, but is failing.

Birdman: Must, reach...control room.

Birdman tries to squeeze out, but destroys the desk and flies off into the control room and pushes down the lever and flies back to the destroyed desk.

Birdman: C'mon 50 Cent.

50 Cent: Yo, Birrrrrrrrrrrrrrdman.

Birdman: Birdman? What, Birdman?

50 Cent: It's your name, brother.

Birdman: You mean Conan.

50 Cent: Conan? I dig that.

Birdman: Yeah, Conan.

50 Cent: 1995 that was the year...

Birdman: 1995 was also the year I filmed the second pilot.

50 Cent: I know, that's why I said it.

Birdman: Oh, so you're a stalker.

50 Cent: No, I ain't man.

Birdman: Oh, so you are. What's my last name?

50 Cent: O'Brien?

Birdman: See! You know too much!

50 Cent: I'm a fan of you, bro.

Birdman: Brother.

50 Cent: Brother.

Birdman: Respect.

50 Cent: Deception.

Birdman: Anger.

50 Cent: Obsession.

Birdman: Calvin Cline.

50 Cent: You heard of Space Ghost?

Birdman: Yes, him...and his voice.

50 Cent laughs.

Birdman: I like my 50 cents now, thanks.

50 Cent: No, that's just my name.

Birdman: Your, nickname? I assume.

50 Cent: Yes, my artist name.

Birdman: You sing the Aqua Teen Hunger Force theme song don't you?

50 Cent: No, I haven't even heard of it.

Birdman: Oh right, it's "Schoolly D" isn't it?

50 Cent: Yeah, I suppose.

Birdman: Are you my friend?

50 Cent: Yeah, you're my brother, bro!

Birdman: Yeah.

50 Cent: Ever heard of "Slim Shady Records"?

Birdman: Uh, I think so.

50 Cent: Yeah, that's my record label.

Birdman: Your record label?

50 Cent: Yeah, the record company that produces my songs.

Birdman: A...song producer? Now I have heard of everything?

50 Cent: Oh, man...I have also recently guest-starred on The Simpsons in an episode called: "Pranksta Rap".

Birdman: I like The Simpsons; I don't get how they are yellow though.

50 Cent: Me either.

Birdman: I have to get Matt Groening on the show soon to explain that. How about next week?

50 Cent: Yeah, I suppose.

Birdman: Erik Estrada and Matt Groening? Latino with white, stupid with brawn, CHiPs with The Simpsons. It will be a heck of a night next week!

50 Cent: Yeah, I suppose.

Birdman: That's the second time, you've said that!

50 Cent: Oh, f...

Cut to Avenger on the beach.

Woman #1: Are you this bird?

People: Huh?

Women #2: Then, you need a gun!

Singers: Get a gun, for your hun, get a gun, for some fun, get a gun, because they are...interesting.

Announcer: Gun n' Stuff does not hold any responsibility for injury, illness or bullet in the eye or leg.

Singer: Interesting.

Avenger shoots one of the women. The women stare, and then laugh. Cut back to the set.

50 Cent: What was that about?

Bill: I'm trying to make this a family-friendly show!

Birdman: Family friendly! Two words, oral sex!

Bill: No don't!

Birdman: Oh okay, because if I do it one more time, I'll be gay.

50 Cent: Or wanksta'.

Birdman: A wanker? You calling ME a wanker?

50 Cent: That's what I call Ja Rule.

Birdman: Now I'm black!

50 Cent: I didn't say that!

Birdman: You've gone too far! Curtis Jackson!

Birdman blasts the screen, as it disrupts the transmission.

Bill: You idiot! Now we're got another celebrity death on our hands!

Peanut: Yeah, idiot.

Phil: Ha, ha.

Birdman: That's it! I'm changing back to my normal suit!

Birdman goes in the closet and changes and comes back out.

Birdman: I've come out of the closet!

Peanut: Really?

Phil: Ha! Ha! Gay.

Birdman: You calling me, gay?

Birdman blasts Phil.

Bill: That's too far, Conan!

Birdman: It's not Conan! It's Birdman!

Bill: Yeah, well...you're fired!

Birdman: No, you can't fire me...because I quit!

Birdman flies off. Phil comes in, crisped.

Phil: We'll be right...back. Ow.

Cut to commercial.

Cut back to set.

Bill: Now guys, we need to find a new host, so Peanut...I mean Max.

Peanut: Yeah.

Bill: Can you fill in for Conan until I find a suitable substitute.

Peanut: Sure. Who's our next guest?

Bill: Lewis Black.

Bill walks off.

Bill: See you.

Peanut walks over to the desk and the television then reveals Lewis.

Peanut: Hello Mr. Black.

Lewis: Hello...

Peanut: Max...Weinberg the second.

Sound clip of a whip.

Lewis: So, hello Max.

Peanut: Hello Lewis.

Lewis: How's everyone on your end?

Peanut: Oh fine.

Lewis: I'm pretty good.

Cut to Bill looking around.

Bill: Must find host, must find host.

Bill looks at Spyro.

Spyro: What are you looking at?

Bill: The new host for Conan O'Brien the Second Coast to Coast!

Spyro: Read my lips. No.

Bill walks off and sees Reducto.

Bill: Reducto!

Reducto: I already work for you.

Cut to a man in a banana suit.

Banana: Hello! Ask me, something! I know it all.

Bill: Would you like to be my new host?

Banana: N-o.

Cut to Birdman in a bar.

Bartender: Come on, it's closing time!

Birdman: It's only 10:24pm!

Bartender: Get out of here you drunk! Get out! You scumbag!

Birdman goes outside in the rain; he starts vomiting, he then continues vomiting, then still vomiting, and still vomiting and finally stops, and puts his face down of the river of vomit. Cut back to the set.

Bill: I got a new host!

Peanut: Only after, one minute.

Bill: Well, it's that guy, that space cat.

Peanut: Brak?

Bill: That's it! I've got "Brak" to host the show, Brak Coast to Coast. Although his "new" name is Jimmy Kimmel the second.

Brak goes in.

Brak: Hi, my name is Jimmy!

Lewis: Hello, Jimmy.

Bill: Isn't he great?

Brak: I'm great baby!

Bill: Get out of the desk, Max.

Peanut walks out as Brak takes the spot.

Brak: Hello Lewis, my name is Jimmy!

Lewis: Hello, Jimmy.

Brak: Say, aren't you a comedian?

Lewis: Yes, I am.

Brak: I wish I was a comedian...

Cut to Brak on stage.

Brak: Hello, my name is Jimmy...and I like to say, thank you to my Mom and Dad!

Cut to Brak's Mom & Dad.

Brak: And Sisto!

Cut to Sisto, as he farts.

Brak: And Zorak!

Cut to Zorak as he stares.

Zorak: Jerk.

Cut to Brak.

Brak: Let's see, who's heard...of Space Ghost? Anyone, anyone, at all?

Cut to the bartender.

Bartender: I have!

Brak: Let's see...

Cut back to the set.

Lewis: Jimmy? Jimmy?

Brak: Yes, Lewis.

Lewis: I sure look your hair.

Brak: Oh the barbers over at Ghost Planet are great, that's where I work and live!

Lewis: Isn't that nice.

Brak: You know, I like you...Lewis, buddy.

Lewis: Well, thank you.

Brak: I'm going to sing my happy song.

Brak walks over to a stage light.

Brak:(singing): I love my happy Lewis Bllllllllack! Happy is the new word for happy, buddy. This is my happy song. My happy song! My happy song! I love me happy song! I love, it buddy!

Sound clip of audience clapping.

Brak: Thank you, every buddy!

Lewis: Thank you, Jimmy.

Brak: Actually, my name is Brak.

Bill: No, it's not.

Brak: Yes it is.

Bill: Okay it is, then.

Peanut: Can my name be ordinary Peanut?

Bill: No.

Peanut: What a rip!

Phil: Ha, ha. I love guns.

Phil shoots Tansut.

Tansut: Poor, poor Tansut.

Cut to Birdman at a house with a couple.

Birdman: And this house is a great experience.

Lady: I agree it looks nice, but I heard all the previous owners got killed in here, say something about a "stalker burial".

Man: Yes, I don't want my sweetheart to get killed.

Birdman: She's a heart?

The couple leaves as the "boss" aka Fred Jones in a red blazer enters.

Fred: Listen, Harvey...you're fired.

Birdman: Again, being fired.

Birdman leaves. Cut to the studio.

Brak: You're my best-est buddy!

Lewis: Oh, yeah.

Bill: My show is getting killed in the ratings!

Cut to a screen with a red arrow plummeting down.

Bill: If it hits rock bottom, we'll get cancelled! I need one person, and his name is...

Cut to Birdman flying in.

Birdman: BIRRRRRRRRRRRRRDMAN!

Bill: Birdman! I mean Conan.

Birdman: I got fired from 10 jobs in less then 10 minutes. You see, I've learned something: The only reason people protest against guns is because they don't protect people, they harm more then protect, and it's about time we decided to use gun control, but with George W. Bush on our asses for 4 more years, that won't happen, because his a Republican. So, banning guns will be the way out of our worst enemy...the gun. That's why I joined "G.U.N.".

Pause.

Birdman: I also cut off the sponsorship deal with "Gunfire n' Stuff".

Phil: WHAT!

Peanut: Well, that's good...I suppose.

Bill: I know when I'm not wanted.

Bill leaves.

Birdman: Now, who's up for spreading the word of gun control?

Everyone leaves.

Birdman: Anybody?

Pause.

Birdman: C'mon! Anybody?

Zorak: Jerk!

End credits.


	6. Avenger Proof Security

Birdman Coast to Coast

Avenger-Proof Security

Cut to Birdman, flying in the sky.

Narrator: Flying high like a pizza pie, just like you had too much wine, Birdman flies in the sky as it if he was high.

Birdman: Hey!

Narrator: Don't deny it! You tested A positive to crack at the Christmas party.

Birdman: That was six friggin' years ago!

Narrator: Oh, well...whatever. Don't listen to me.

Birdman continues flying, he sees Phil in the Phantom Cruiser with Space Ghost.

Birdman: Phil?

Space Ghost: Now don't ruin the seats, okay.

Phil: Ha, ha. I'm being Phil-napped.

Birdman blasts the Phantom Cruiser which explodes, Space Ghost flies out, down, down and more downer then ever before, until he hits concrete.

Space Ghost: I've hit the concrete planet!

Cut to Phil going down and down and down, he grabs his jet-pack and puts in on and flies back up.

Birdman: Phil? How can you survive the space pressure?

Phil: How can YOU?

Birdman: Eh, I'm a superhero.

Phil: I built an immunity.

Phil's head gets bigger; he sucks on his thumb and puts back to normal size.

Birdman: Where's Peanut?

Phil: On the Space bus.

Cut to Peanut on the space bus.

Tour Guide: And that's where Space Ghost filmed the 1999 63 minute film "To Die with a Space Ghost". It won a space award for best picture, best choreography, best director "Moltar Molten" and best actor "Space Ghost" and shortest film to be released. Also best film of the year, by one vote.

Peanut: Wow!

Peanut takes a picture.

Tour Guide: Also, the film was released in all the theatres in every single planet and universe except Earth, because Space Ghost isn't well know there except for his old action/adventure show, talk show & variety show and has filmed a pilot for a panel discussion show.

Birdman and Phil fly into the studio walk in and see the place is a mess.

Birdman: What happened?

Phil: I agree, what did happen?

Birdman: This place is going to be a mess when I interview Matt Groening & Stephen Colbert, also Moltar himself.

Phil: That guys lives in lava.

Peanut walks in.

Peanut: Hi guys...AGH! What happened?

Birdman: Someone broke into the studios!

Phil: Time to install the colour-coding threat levels, and put it up to "Blackwatch Plaid".

Birdman: I agree!

Avenger flies in.

Birdman: Avenger, go outside and keep an eye out on burglars! Okay, bud.

Avenger flies out again.

Birdman: I need a baseball bat!

Birdman grabs a metal baseball bat.

Birdman: It'll be easy to hit he, she or it in the balls.

Phil: Girls don't have balls.

Birdman: Uh, I suppose. There nutcracker then!

Peanut: Prepare for the show.

Birdman: I'll order the security stuff!

Phil walks all the way to the announcer booth.

Peanut: Roll, Avenger!

Cut to Moltar in the control room.

Moltar: I've got it.

Moltar pushes a lever.

Opening credits.

Phil: Tonight on Birdman Coast to Coast, head leader of the Simpsons Mega Empire of merchandise and DVDs and junk, Matt Groening, then comedian Stephen Colbert, and for some reason...Moltar! His already the replacement director...so what? Ha, ha...confusion. Here's...

Cut to the set.

Peanut: Where's Harvey?

Moltar: Eh, on a wing and a prayer.

Cut to Birdman on the phone.

Birdman: Okay, send it over. C'mon. C'mon. Oh. YES!

Birdman hangs up.

Peanut: HARVEY!

Birdman: Oh crap!

Birdman tries to fly, but hits the ground.

Birdman: My CREST!

Birdman sees his crest is gone.

Birdman: The source of my power is gone!

Birdman walks.

Birdman: Walking ain't so bad.

Cut to a very far away: "Birdman Set" door.

Birdman: Oh!

Cut back to the set.

Peanut: It's time for another addition of the Peanut Show!

Moltar: Oh no you don't!

Moltar pushes a lever.

Pause.

Cut to "Ask the Big Banana".

Phil: Ask the big, oh...who cares anymore?

Cut to Birdman in a banana suit.

Birdman: Birdman, Birdman. Fun in transmission, Birdman.

Teenager: Idiot.

Birdman: Banana.

Cut to a monkey smoking a cigar.

Monkey: No bananas.

The monkey hops off.

Birdman: Eh, ask me something. Please! This segment is dying!

Bob: A slow painful death, I might add.

Birdman: That's right.

Birdman sits down and smokes.

Birdman: Go to commercial or something. I mean it! C'mon.

A hippie walks up to him.

Hippie: Hi dude, like, so, me and this dude...where like, having this bet, right, so yeah right...that you sucked a mantis' cock!

Birdman: Yes, I sucked it dry!

Cut to Travis the Spore sliding by.

Travis: Suck it dry!

Hippie: Dude, you're, like, so gay.

Birdman: At least I'm not a friggin' hippie!

Hippie: Touché, dude.

Hippie grabs out a pipe and smokes it and walks off.

Birdman: I'm a hobo!

People, who pass by, drop down coins for him.

Woman: Go buy yourself a drink.

Man: Buy yourself some porno mags and fast!

Kid: Buy some bubble gum.

Dr. Weird: Uh, buy something.

Steve: Yeah, buy.

Birdman: What brings you to Ghost Planet?

Dr. Weird: We're going to steal a destructible weapon of mass doom and destruction and shoot it down on the Earth, meaning everyone will die so I'll be supreme ruler!

Birdman: What's the point of ruling the world when there is nothing to rule?

Dr. Weird: Touché.

Dr. Weird & Steve leave. Cut back to Birdman.

Birdman: I can see why my ratings are so bad; I mean a 1.2 last week? Uh, better then Space Ghost hogging airtime.

Pause.

Birdman: I got more time to kill, I'll go buy some "collectible" drugs like the ones Elton John, Steven Tyler and Ray Charles had. Ray Charles' drugs would rise up in value now that his dead.

Birdman leaves.

Cut back to the set.

Peanut: Collector's drugs? Since when did Harvey buy those?

Moltar: Uh, oh. We're got a rating of 1.2?

Peanut: Yeah, pretty bad considering the premiere was strong, with 5.7, the second pilot presentation was better with a 6.3.

Cut to Birdman reaching the set.

Birdman: MUST...GO...TO...SET...FAST!

Birdman falls down and the door opens.

Peanut: Hi Birdman.

Birdman: Uh, good...I bought some things to protect Sunlight Studios.

Peanut runs over and drags Birdman to his chair.

Birdman: Send in our first guest, Moltar.

Moltar: Sheesh, okay.

Moltar pushes down the lever which gets Matt Groening on the screen.

Birdman: Hello Matt Groening.

Matt: Hello, Birdman.

Birdman: My name is...Birdman.

Matt: Birdman.

Birdman: BIRRRRRRRDMAN!

Matt: Birdman.

Birdman: Nice knowing you Matt cut to commercial.

Cut to commercial.

Cut back to the set.

Matt: So, you're name is Birdman.

Birdman: Yes, I explained during the commercial.

Matt: Okay.

Birdman: Say, why are the Simpsons, yellow?

Matt: That's like asking why is the sky blue.

Birdman: Uh, huh.

Matt: Yeah, basically I thought it would be funny if people switched on the TV and saw the show and be like "what the Hell is wrong with the reception!" Also because that was the first paint I saw and used it. Now can't imagine them without there "yellowness".

Birdman: I scheduled Erik Estrada to be on the show, but the recent budget cuts forced...

Matt: Me?

Birdman: No, Stephen Colbert. I've never heard of him.

Phil: I have, all the time...when I speak.

Birdman: I brought you on the show JUST to answer that simple question. Now go, I have minutes to fill being paranoid.

The power gets cut off.

Birdman: Oh now, what?

Person: Shit!

Sounds of the person running are heard.

Birdman: Matt?

Matt: Yes Birdman.

Birdman: Hold me.

Matt: Only if you hold me.

Moltar: That's just lame.

Birdman: C'mon thing, work! Work! Damn, my damn power bands won't work because my crest went missing. Now I feel as hot as a barbecue steak on the fourth of July.

Sound clip of Birdman snoring.

Peanut: Birdman went to sleep.

Sound clip of Peanut bashing the electrical socket with the guitar, the power then comes back on as Birdman awakens.

Birdman: What was that about?

Peanut: The burglar strikes back.

Birdman: What happened with Avenger?

Birdman flies out and sees Avenger tied up.

Birdman: Avenger, my old chum! Save yourself!

Avenger:(muffled): Cor.

Birdman unties Avenger.

Birdman: Stay here Avenger, we might need you.

Birdman flies back to the set.

Birdman: Avenger was tied up.

Peanut: What?

Matt: Who's Avenger?

Birdman: His my furry chum whom saves the day with me. Well, he used to.

Matt: Did he?

Birdman: Back in 1967.

Matt: Yeah, back in the '80s I did a comic strip in the newspaper called: "Life in Hell".

Birdman: Was it about people living in Hell?

Matt: No. About a bunch of rabbits.

Birdman: Rabbits! Rabbits are the dumbest living creatures by far!

Matt: No, you'd be surprised of how smart they are.

Birdman: No comment. They're the DUMBEST mammals ever!

Matt: They're not mammals.

Birdman: Okay, rabbit-bunny type idiotic things.

A zombie bunny rushes in and chews on Birdman.

Birdman: Aah! The Easter Bunny! I killed you last year!

Matt: Yeah.

Birdman: Do you find it funny, Matt?

Birdman comes back up with his head chewed and revealing part of his brain.

Matt: Yes.

Birdman: You can see my damn brain!

Matt: Yes, I know.

Birdman: What about that other show, Futurama?

Matt: Yes, that premiered way back in 1999.

Birdman: In 1999, that's when Space Ghost made that stupid movie.

Matt: Really?

Birdman: To Die with a Space Ghost? And also, it only goes for 63 minutes and it still got released!

Matt: Maybe you should do a movie.

Birdman: I did a script back in 2000 where computers take over the world as a result of the Y2K, and an army of nerds have to plug viruses into them, but the computers are strong, see? So, uh...yeah, they don't get the computer viruses and rampage the Earth, and that's when I come in to saaaaaaaave the Planet, I call it: "Birdman vs. the Y2K".

Matt: So you only did a script?

Birdman: Yeah, and it will be useless now people aren't worried about the Y2K.

Matt: How about you use your powers to re-plug the Y2K and make the movie?

Birdman: How can I use my powers to restart the Y2K, when I have none!

Matt: So, you're like Batman?

Birdman: No, Batman is a phony, but my solar powers from a power crest on my helmet-thingy, but someone stole it!

Peanut: It's true.

Matt: Do you still have the script?

Birdman: Oh yeah, it's in my time capsule.

Matt: You have a time capsule?

Birdman: Oh yeah, I made it when I started this talk show back last month. It's pretty old, though.

Matt: How about a movie where a robot skiing-instructor that comes back in time for some reason, and has to choose whether his talking-pie friend lives...or dies! I've got Alec Baldwin on hold for the robot skiing-instructor and Robin Williams as the voice of the pie. Ron Howard would be a director.

Birdman: Did you write the script, Matt?

Matt: No, Homer Simpson did.

Birdman: How could that guy write a script? His an animated character for God's sake.

Matt: You don't know your Simpsons.

Birdman: Yes, yes.

Matt: Ha, Futurama.

Birdman: What about Futurama?

Matt: The other show I created.

Birdman: Yeah, I make up words as well.

Matt: Like Urkel?

Birdman: Yes, exactly like Urkel!

Cut to a live action clip of Steve Urkel.

Steve Urkel: Do the Urkel!

Cut back to the set.

Birdman: That guy is such a nerd! Did I do that, ha...ha?

Matt: That guy is pretty annoying.

Birdman: With his nasal infection?

Matt: No, that's the problem with Fran Drescher, his voice is just annoying.

Birdman: Watch your lips Matt!

Matt watches his lips.

Birdman: I mean not literally you idiot!

Matt: Yeah.

Birdman: The art of script-writing is simple.

Matt: Yeah, I wrote about two episodes of the Simpsons, and about one for Futurama.

Birdman: Then you're not the creator! The creator writes all the episodes!

Matt: Not exactly.

Birdman: Not exactly, Matt?

Pause.

Matt: Yes.

Birdman: That's it! I'm going to make my movie! Out of here, Matt Groening!

Matt: No.

Birdman: C'mon.

Matt: No.

Birdman: C'mon.

Matt: Nah.

Birdman: C'mon.

Matt: Nah.

Birdman: C'mon.

Matt: No.

Birdman: Please!

Matt: Oh.

Birdman: YES!

Matt disappears from the screen.

Birdman: Time to make my movie!

Cut to Birdman on the movie set. Cut back to the actual set.

Phil: That was quick Birdman.

Birdman: Oh we made this system where we can use old footage and put all together to make the movie. We just dubbed the voices and lip-sync like um, we just make the mouth pause, flap and stuff to make it look like we're saying the right thing. It's a technology called: "recycled animation".

Peanut: Must be cheaper too.

Birdman: Oh yeah, only one buck to film a movie for around 2 seconds. It's going to be released this Friday.

Peanut: March...4th?

Birdman: That's right.

Peanut: I suppose that's good, did you cause Y2K.

Birdman: Crap!

Cut to Birdman on the computer. Cut back to the set.

Birdman: I started Y2K 2005!

Moltar: That's good, I suppose.

Birdman: Send in the next guest, Moltar!

The power goes off, again.

Birdman: Oh no!

Moltar: Eh.

Birdman: We can't send in the next guest!

The power comes back on, revealing the place is an absolute mess.

Birdman: What happened?

Moltar: Here's Stephen.

Cut to the screen revealing Stephen Colbert.

Birdman: Mr. Colbert!

Stephen: Yes?

Birdman: Birdman speaking.

Stephen: I know, I watch your show all the time.

Birdman: That's nice. I watch your show: "Crank Yankers".

Stephen: I've only been on that show once.

Birdman: Then how come I see your name in the credits for that one episode.

Stephen: Because.

Phil: You kinda sound like me!

Stephen: Hi, Phil.

Reducto: And sorta like me!

Stephen: I love your show!

Birdman: Ass-kisser.

Stephen: Notice, all they both have double sess in them?

Birdman: Yess.

Stephen: Colbert.

Birdman: King?

Stephen: Brown?

Birdman: It's all good!

Stephen: I like your writers as well!

Birdman: Stop kissing my ass!

Stephen: I'm not actually kissing your ass, Birdman...I'm just praising you.

Birdman: Praising me like an ass-kisser would!

Stephen: BIRRRRRRRRRDMAN!

Birdman: Hey, I have a call from the MPAA, uh...they are rating my movie...wait for it, PG-13!

Stephen: That's a good thing? Space Ghost's movie was rated PG.

Birdman: Huh?

Stephen: I suppose your movie is violent.

Birdman: PG! That involves someone dying with some disease or something and it's rated PG!

Stephen: At least it's not rated R or NC-17.

Birdman: I have aides, meaning assistants helping me make that film...and now it's been given the kiss of death!

Stephen: Actually the kiss of death is NC-17.

Birdman: I made that movie for two friggin' seconds!

Stephen: Two seconds?

Birdman: Two words: "Recycled animation".

Stephen: Talk to Dr. Wormy.

Birdman: Good idea.

Cut to Birdman in an office with a small, green worm.

Dr. Wormy: Cold cut, lickly split, doggy dog dog!

Birdman: Yes, master.

Dr. Wormy: Cold cut turkey, man, go lick some stuff for dinner, you know?

Birdman: Yep.

Dr. Wormy: What do you mean the MPAA rate your movie PG-13? I go kill them with cold chocolate chicken for Christmas dinner with lollies and eggs size of your wife's stuff.

Birdman: Yep, sexual harassment suite. Got it.

Cut back to the set.

Stephen: What did he say?

Birdman: He said he couldn't help me out.

Sound clip of a group of people screaming.

Dr. Wormy: Nicotine patch go daboom.

Birdman: You?

Stephen: Oh, fine.

Birdman: That's nice.

Stephen: So, is Dr. Wormy actually a worm or what?

Birdman: Yep.

Stephen: Hey, I think I heard something seconds ago.

Birdman: My voice.

Dr. Wormy slides in.

Dr. Wormy: Me went kablamo with those MPAA jerks, you hear doggy dog dog? Your movie is now rated G!

Birdman: G! That's a family-friendly movie rating...I'll be rich!

Dr. Wormy: Cold turkey not working, patch go down with the clown, you hear Charlie Brown?

Birdman: Yep, good luck. Got it.

Stephen: Maybe you should register your movie in Yeah!

Stephen: That's where Space Ghost registered his movie.

Birdman: His movie sucked. Get out of here, Stephen!

Stephen: But I just got here!

Birdman: Out!

The power gets cut off.

Birdman: Out!

Cut to commercial.

Cut back to the set. The power is still out.

Birdman: I said...out!

Moltar: Huh, the power went out.

The power comes back on.

Birdman: That's better!

Moltar: Yep, his gone.

Birdman: Where's Avenger?

Birdman flies outside to see Avenger is missing.

Birdman: AVVVVVVVVENGER!

The security people come in.

Security Guard: Um, his your security stuff.

The other security person hands it to him.

Security Guard: Don't take these for granted, okay?

Birdman: Nope. I won't.

Cut to a security filled set.

Birdman: I've got five more minutes to spare.

Peanut: Now, four.

Birdman: I need to find the person who kidnapped my beloved Avenger.

Phil: Colour code white, "Even Worse Then Once Thought".

Birdman: I thought it went up to "Blackwatch Plaid"?

Phil: That's, still kinda true.

Peanut: He made up some codes.

Phil: Ha, ha. Hardly any ha, ha-s.

Birdman: I must search...for clues.

Shaggy: Really, now that's spooky!

Birdman: I'll give you a Scooby Snack.

Scooby: Rookay.

Shaggy and Scooby dig in.

Birdman: I wonder what's in these things.

Birdman takes a biscuit, and then gets high.

Birdman: Dude, these...are like, so special. Special Scooby Snacks.

Birdman falls asleep.

Peanut: Harvey?

Phil: Birdman?

Birdman wakes up.

Birdman: To the special chamber room!

Cut to "the special chamber room" which is full of couches and books and has a fireplace.

Phil: What are you doing here?

Birdman: You mean, what are WE doing here? I'm going to gather everyone and tell who's the culprit ala Sherlock Homes.

Birdman is now, on the phone.

Birdman: Cloud. Space Ghost. Moltar...

Moltar: I'm right behind you, idiot.

Birdman: Zorak. X. Okay, that's all!

Cut to the room as everyone sits down, reminding everyone Cloud is actually an old Birdman villain which was known as "FEAR". Birdman enters in a Sherlock Homes type costume.

Birdman: I really like the fact, everyone is here.

Space Ghost: Yeah, I'm here after YOU almost killed me!

Birdman: You were kidnapping my announcer!

Tansut: What? You want another announcer, now...Space Ghost?

Birdman: Who invited this creep?

Tansut: I barged in.

Dr. Nightmare: Yeah, I helped myself as well.

Judge Mightor: Me too.

Mentok: Yep.

Birdman: Anyway, you know WHY we all here?

Mentok: Because...someone ransacked the set, and you're going to reveal the culprit, wasting everyone's time, when it was...

Birdman: SHUT UP!

Mentok: Sorry, but I already know.

Birdman: Just don't tell anyone else, stupid mindtaker. Anyhow, in the scene of the crime, I found a piece of red cloth. After examination during the first commercial break, after much thought it was...X the Eliminator!

X the Eliminator: That is right, Harvey.

Birdman: You knew when I was distracted you could steal my crest, cutting the power out and destroying my set!

Cloud: X, I paid you 38 years ago, to get the stupid crest and NOW you decide to get it!

Birdman: But Cloud & X were working together, you see Cloud & X were looking for my outfit, hoping to find my crest, ALONG the way destroying my set. Cloud now hates me for changing his name and selling him to Space Ghost, that's why he destroyed my set!

Peanut: So you guys kidnapped Avenger?

Birdman: Not exactly, you see Peanut...Space Ghost was angry at me for destroying his mode of transportation, and almost killing him, so he decided to kidnap Avenger for revenge.

Cloud, X & Space Ghost: AND WE WOULD'VE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT, IF IT WON'T FOR YOU MEDDLING BIRDMAN!

Avenger flies out of Space Ghost's spandex.

Cloud, X & Space Ghost: AND YOUR MEDDLING EAGLE!

Avenger flies up on Birdman's shoulder.

Birdman: That's a good eagle.

Zorak: Can we leave now?

Brak: Yeah!

Lokar: We just barged in, ourselves!

Moltar: I don't understand any of this crap!

Judge Mightor: Me neither.

Birdman: Right after the police come.

Cut to the set. Everyone is waiting.

Brak: C'mon. C'mon.

Zorak: Shut up, dingus!

Sisto: Yeah, idiot.

Cut to a hand-cuffed Cloud, X & Space Ghost.

Space Ghost: Can't the police just come, already.

Dr. Nightmare: This is just stupid; just blast him, Space Ghost!

Space Ghost: Can't, no power bands.

Cut to Birdman in his normal outfit with Space Ghost's power bands and his crest back in place.

Birdman: Yeah.

Cyclo enters.

Cyclo: I came here, with a message...HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BIRDMAN!

Birdman: Huh?

Cut to a big celebration. Hesh comes out of the cake.

Birdman: It was my birthday last week, dumbasses!

Phil: We just love, pranking this guy!

Cyclo: You should've seen your face!

Hesh sings the "Go robot" version of Happy Birthday.

Blue Falcone: I have such great ideas!

Birdman: This is all stupid, so it was a prank!

Cloud: Yep.

Birdman: How stupid is that?

X the Eliminator: Very.

Space Ghost: Get it, killed!

Birdman: I don't get you guys.

End credits. During the credits, Hesh continues singing.


	7. Send in the Birdmen

Birdman Coast to Coast

Send in the Birdmen

Cut to Birdman in Dr. Wormy's office.

Dr. Wormy: Cold cut, miggity mo mack, jizzabang!

Birdman: What?

Dr. Wormy: I go; you know cold cut, miggity mo mack, jizzabang!

Birdman: So does that mean I got your...

Dr. Wormy: Jizzabang!

Birdman: I can't believe it! I get the Jizzabang 2004 edition.

Cut to Sunlight Studios. Birdman enters with the Jizzabang 2004 (ie, a cloning machine.)

Birdman: BIRRRRRRRRRDMAN!

Peanut: Yeah, what?

Birdman: I got Dr. Wormy's cloning machine!

Peanut: Why did he give it to you?

Birdman: Because, he always thought of me as a son, and his dying soon. So, he gave me a cloning device.

Peanut: What are you going to do with it, Harvey?

Birdman: I'm thinking about cloning myself.

Peanut: Wait a minute, isn't Dr. Wormy that don that killed the MPAA three weeks ago?

Birdman: Yep.

Peanut: We had to put the show on hiatus because of him!

Birdman: I know. He hates the MPAA family, that was just an excuse to kill them.

Peanut: Anyway, did you get Erik Estrada for tonight's show?

Birdman: Nope.

Peanut: Why?

Birdman: The FCC is suing us for lots of adult themes in our show the first five weeks.

Peanut: Did you get any guest at all?

Birdman: I got Tom Kenny though, uh...Kathy Kinney, and uh...John Kerry.

Peanut: THE John Kerry?

Birdman: Yeah, we've both liberals and decided to be on the show.

Peanut: You were able to get a senator, but weren't able to get Erik Estrada?

Birdman: I'll get him...in coming weeks, just not now.

Peanut: Like, next week?

Birdman: Nope, I don't know, I'll just decide next week!

Birdman and Peanut walk through the halls.

Peanut: Erik Estrada? Maybe we should have a Mexican-themed show with him, Shakira & Enrique Isagelous.

Birdman: Uh, Shakira isn't really Mexican in anyway.

Peanut: Let's just get her! Okay!

Birdman: Okay, sheesh.

Peanut & Birdman walk through the halls until they get to the set.

Birdman: Where's Phil?

Peanut: Let's just wait for him!

Peanut & Birdman take their spots; Birdman is now sitting next to the cloning device.

Peanut: What's up with that cloning device?

Birdman: Just in case, I want to clone myself.

Peanut: I should really hire a band.

Birdman: Yeah, what's the point of being a bandleader when there is no band to lead?

Peanut: I agree with that theory.

Birdman: WHERE'S PHIL!

Phil walks in.

Phil: I'm sorry I'm late, parking is terri...

Opening credits.

Birdman: Say something!

Phil: Tonight, Tom Kenny, Kathy Kinney & John Kerry...

Cut to the set.

Birdman: I'm BIRRRRRRRRDMAN!

Phil: Sorry I was so late.

Birdman: You were late; you were supposed to be arriving at about 9:52pm to get ready for the show, except you weren't here until about 9:59 and 59 seconds!

Phil: Well, parking here is terrible.

Birdman: Parking here is terrible! You're not supposed to park anywhere! What happened to that valet I paid to drive off your cars into the inside car park!

Phil: He was sleeping, so I parked my jet-packs on the roof.

Birdman: Bill was sleeping?

Birdman flies outside to see Bill sleeping on the hovering space concrete.

Birdman: BILLL!

Bill: What, now Birdman.

Birdman: You're fired!

Bill: But the repo-depot repossessed my store and that's where I live!

Birdman: You live in a gun store?

Bill: Yes, my wife left me, all my friends died and my dog is very sick and horny!

Birdman: Okay, tell you what, you can live in the Janitor's closet until you can get off your feet, okay?

Bill: Thanks Harvey, you won't regret this!

Bill hops off.

Birdman: Except I already do.

Cut back to the studio, Bill runs off to the Janitor's closet and opens the door and sees Carmine is there in the Janitor's uniform.

Bill: Huh? What's a lump doing here?

Carmine: My name is Carmine, that's right Carmine. I used to live in a mantis' throat until he vomited out some disgusting root beer and there I went, up here to Sunlight Studios to work as a Janitor, the guy I used to live in now discovered "nasal spray" and sounds what he used to sound like when I was around.

Bill: Uh, I live here too now.

Carmine: I can tell you now; we're going to be a very odd couple.

Bill: Really?

Carmine: Yep.

Bill: Oh no.

Cut back to the set. Birdman flies back in.

Birdman: That stupid Bill.

Phil: What now?

Birdman: Send in the first guest, Avenger.

Cut to a television screen revealing Tom Kenny.

Birdman: Hello Mr. Kenny.

Tom: Hello, Birdman.

Birdman: Hello to you to Tom.

Tom: I'm Tom Kenny, comedian, writer, voice actor.

Birdman: You're a comedian and writer?

Tom: Oh yeah, I worked on the Mr. Show with Bob Odenkirk and David Cross.

Birdman: Bob was on our show once.

Tom: Really.

Birdman: Really, really.

Tom: What did he say?

Birdman: Oh some crap about Tom Goes to the Mayor being good.

Tom: Tom Goes to the Mayor? He made a show about me going to a Mayor?

Birdman: Not you, him. You, him.

Tom: Him who?

Birdman: Dr. Who.

Tom: Doctor in the hizzy!

Birdman: Don't say that, ever again.

Tom: Him as in Satan? Once again the day is saved!

Birdman: More like the creampuff girls!

Tom: No, PowerLESS girls.

Birdman: Or, Power-puffed out Girls!

Tom: That's good, but not great.

Birdman: Some guy I've never heard of is talking to me and saying my idea is great!

Tom: No, I said it was GOOD.

Birdman: That's means it's..."bad".

Tom: No, good!

Birdman: No, it's a bad idea.

Tom: No it's not it's good!

Birdman: Tom, it's opposite day.

Tom: Oh, I get it...Opposite Day, got 'ya. And you said you've never heard of me!

Birdman: Huh?

Tom: SpongeBob SquarePants.

Birdman: More like Spongebag Stinkypants.

Tom: Hey, don't bag it because it's rated TV-Y.

Birdman: I released a movie rated "G", so ha!

Tom: So, just because all the movies I've done recently were rated PG doesn't mean squat!

Birdman: Yes it does!

Birdman blasts the screen but nothing happens.

Birdman: Huh? Kryptonite!

Birdman tries to blast the screen again, but still nothing happens.

Birdman: Curse you Kryptonite!

Tom: I thought Superman was only vulnerable to Kryptonite?

Birdman: I'll tell you a secret, Tom. I'm also vulnerable to Kryptonite!

Tom: Really.

Black Vulcan: You must have Kryptonite...in your pants.

Tom: Huh?

Brak's Dad: I fool you again boy!

Tom: This doesn't make any sense!

Birdman: I agree, cough it up.

Tom: What?

Birdman: Kryptonite!

Tom: When?

Birdman: Now.

Tom: Now?

Birdman: NOW!

Tom: I don't have it.

Avenger: COR!

Birdman: Shut up Avenger, the opening monologue is dying as well!

Avenger: Cor, cor.

Birdman: SHUT UP!

Avenger flies off.

Birdman: I registered my movie on What did you do?

Tom: Nothing.

Birdman: Well, I had to register by supplying my email which is Really.

Birdman: You have to have an underscore between the r and the p.

Tom: Uh, huh.

Birdman: No capital letter on the h, and press the 2 and shift key button when doing the "at" which is between the c and h.

Tom: Yep.

Birdman: Press the 2 button and the shift key at the same time.

Tom: I know how to work a computer, Birdman.

Birdman: Really? What's two plus two?

Tom: Four.

Birdman: It's five you moron! It has a hidden factor!

Tom: What hidden factor?

Birdman: The one!

Tom: There's no hidden factor, Birdman!

Birdman: Yes, there is!

Tom: No, there's not. I know my maths Birdman.

Birdman: Or Bird-for-Brains.

Tom: Tom Kenny in his new show "Birdman is Stupid".

Birdman: After the show, we'll be going to Ghost Planet to go to the Taco King, and no tacos for you Mister!

Tom: Oh.

Birdman: The Taco King makes the greatest tacos in the entire universe! Also I've got a welfare check for 10, 00000,00000,00000,0000,0000000,0000,00000 dollars! I'm going to buy 100 tacos for everyone except you!

Tom: That's a lot.

Birdman: I agree, and I don't like you!

The blasts from earlier hit Birdman and kill him.

Tom: Wow.

Peanut: Oh, dear.

Peanut drags Birdman to the cloning machine.

Tom: What are you doing?

Peanut: Cloning Birdman, why?

Tom: Oh, well.

A copy of Birdman comes out.

Birdman: Hi, guys.

Tom: Oh no.

Birdman: Hey, Tom Kenny...you killed me!

Peanut: This Birdman has the same memory bank as the previous Birdman; if we clone Birdman too many times he'll just become dumber.

Birdman whacks Peanut with a metal baseball bat.

Birdman: Me dumb. Or something.

Tom: That's it, I'm leaving.

Birdman: You can't leave; Avenger is with Carmine and Bill! I think!

Tom: Who's Avenger?

Birdman: The director, editor, sound person, writer, producer, sidekick, guest roster person, light person, he also built the set and so on and so forth. I take the credit though.

Tom: That's a bit mean isn't it?

Birdman: Oh well, I don't pay them anyway.

Tom: You don't.

Birdman: Nope, budget cutbacks.

Tom: Well you should pay them.

Birdman: Well, I don't wanna!

Tom: I don't care!

Birdman: He also does the craft service and sends in the guests via satellite.

Cut to Avenger in Dr. Wormy's office.

Dr. Wormy: I'm dying of a Jacuzzi suit rash from when hookers come down meet the worm.

Avenger: COR!

Dr. Wormy: Doctors say, yo...they say I'm going to die they day that is my birthday.

Avenger: Cor.

Dr. Wormy: Yo, they say I have a disease like the Sun on my back.

Avenger: Cor.

Dr. Wormy: They say it's the rash.

Avenger: Cor.

Dr. Wormy: Birdman goes crazy like my three hearts.

Avenger: Cor.

Avenger flies off.

Dr. Wormy: Yo, it's my darn birthday.

Dr. Wormy dies.

Cut to the set.

Birdman: Where's Avenger when you need him?

Avenger flies in.

Avenger: COR!

Birdman: Avenger, my chum...send this guy packing.

Avenger flies in the control room and pushes the lever.

Birdman: YES! Bye, bye Tom.

Cut to commercial.

Cut back to the set. Birdman is on the phone.

Birdman: Really? Dr. Wormy? Him, why do the good die young? Okay, I'll go and pay my dues.(he hangs up) Guys, Dr. Wormy died of a Jacuzzi rash.

Peanut: You going to the funeral?

Birdman: Yep, that's why I am going to clone myself again so I can be at both places at once!

Peanut: Really.

Birdman goes inside and find two Birdmans come out.

Birdman: A second Birdman, isn't it grand?

Birdman #2: Uh, huh.

Birdman: You stay here, while I go to Dr. Wormy's funeral in the Sunlight Planet, aka the Sun.

Peanut: The Sun is a planet as well?

Birdman: Yep.

Birdman flies off.

Birdman #2: Send in Kathy Kinney, Avenger.

Avenger: COR!

Cut to Kathy Kinney on the TV.

Kathy: Hello Birdman.

Birdman #2: Hello...Kathy Kinney.

Kathy: Ever heard of a show called: "The Green Screen".

Birdman #2: Yeah, it premiered a few months ago.

Kathy: Well, I'm a recurring improv person.

Birdman #2: Really?

Kathy: Oh, yeah. I love working with Drew Carey.

Birdman #2: Love?

Birdman #2 sheds a tear.

Birdman #2: No one loves me...

Kathy: Have you tried homosexual?

Birdman #2: Whatcha' talkin' about Kathy?

Kathy: I'm talking about converting to homosexual.

Birdman #2: Hey, Birdman doesn't swing that way, baby!

Kathy: Yeah, I suppose.

Birdman #2: All your shows you've been in have been cancelled! My show so far has lasted 6 episodes!

Kathy: Isn't that nice.

Cut to the funeral. Cut to a monster delivering a eulogy.

Monster: Dr. Wormy is more then a doctor, his my best friend, my Don, my...my soul mate!

Cut to a robotic priest.

Robot Priest: Yes, well, isn't that nice.

Grimlock the Toymaker: I love Dr. Wormy!

Cut to Birdman sitting next to Grimlock.

Birdman: Grimlock? I haven't seen you in ages. It's me, Birdman...Harvey Birdman!

Grimlock the Toymaker: Hi Harvey, become a lawyer I heard. Well, I became a toymaker back in '96.

Birdman: A damn good one I might add!

Grimlock the Toymaker: Well, Space Ghost put me out of business the year after, so I became an editor of Twisted Toyfare Magazine.

Birdman: Space Ghost, oh yeah.

Space Ghost enters.

Space Ghost: Hello Birdman, Grimlock.

Grimlock the Toymaker: Tad.

Moltar, Zorak, Lokar & Brak enter from behind.

Moltar: Don't toy with us! Toymaker!

Grimlock the Toymaker: Very funny.

Zorak: Yeah, it's great!

Birdman: How do you know Dr. Wormy?

Lokar: Oh, we were in the same mafia family.

Brak: It's just so sad, how Dr. Wormy died of a rash he got when he was in a Jacuzzi with a bunch of hookers.

Space Ghost: Just because we are in the same mafia family, Birdman...it doesn't mean I'll stop kicking your ass in the ratings!

Space Ghost blasts Birdman.

Space Ghost: Don Ghostal!

Birdman: Uh, Don Randall!

Birdman blasts Space Ghost.

Brak: Don Dr. Wormy!

Space Ghost: His dead, Brak.

Zorak: Don Bashington!

Moltar: Don Molten!

Lokar: Don Locusta!

Brak: Don Bashington.

Space Ghost: You're not going to become Dons, I will be the Don!

Birdman: You reckon!

Space Ghost: Yeah!

Birdman: We'll see about that, in the Will room.

Dramatic chord. Cut back to the set.

Birdman #2: My first wife Sylvia left me for Phil!

Kathy: Oh, really?

Phil: Shut up.

Birdman #2: Years later in 2002 or 2004, I forgot...I married Gigi, she is so much better then Sylvia.

Peanut: But she is a slut, and that's a problem.

Birdman #2: Yeah, I need a son to carry on my spirit!

Zorbird (half mantis/half bird hybrid) enters.

Zorbird: Hi Dad. Wanna play catch?

Birdman #2: Here's my nine-year old son! Turning ten in June.

Zorbird: I hate life; I want to cause the end of the world!

Birdman #2: You see, I performed oral sex on a mantis!

Kathy: Yuck.

Birdman #2: Yes, I agree. And I was the one whom was pregnant!

Kathy: Oh, well.

Birdman #2: As you see, his ugly to look at.

Zorbird: Hey!

Birdman #2: We need another Birdman in this universe. I won't be around forever!

Kathy: That's true.

Birdman #2: That's why; I've decided to clone myself 100 more times!

Peanut: Harvey! No!

Birdman #2 enters the cloning machine, then 100 more Birdmans come out.

Birdman #2: Bring on the next millennium of Birdmen! Send in the Birdmen!

Birdman #3: You think?

Birdman #4: I love these power bands.

Birdman #4 blasts Peanut.

Kathy: Listen, I've gotta go.

Birdmen: OW! Do you have to?

Kathy: Yes.

Birdman #2: See you later Ms. Kinney.

Kathy: Whose Line is it Anyway?

Birdman #5: Mine!

Avenger flies into the control.

Birdman #2: Avenger, send Ms. Kinney packing. Time for John Kerry to get on the show.

Avenger pushes down a lever which makes Kathy disappear, and then John Kerry appears.

Birdman #2: Hey, Avenger! You know the drill; send in John AFTER the commercial.

John: Hello Birdman.

Birdman #2: I'm sorry John, commercial time.

Pause.

Birdman: Avenger!

Cut to a sleeping Avenger.

Birdman #6: I'll get it!

Birdman #6 invisos in.

Birdman #2: How can he do that?

Cut to commercial.

Cut to the Will reading. Cloud enters in with the Will as the monster, Space Ghost, Lokar, Moltar, Zorak, Brak & Birdman enter.

Cloud: Okay, time for the will reading. Now that idiot that was supposed to read it, got his hand stuck in the paper shredder, I have to read it.

Space Ghost: Yes, read it.

Cloud: To my loyal companion, my best friend Terry Weird will have all my nuclear weapons to destroy the planet like you planned. To Cloud, I give you your birth certificate; reminding you always your name is "FEAR #1". And last, the person who will carry on my Don-ship, my son Lloyd Wormy, a potential Don graduated "Dr. Wormy's School of Ruling the Mafia". Okay, now that's it.

Birdman: What? Dr. Wormy had a son!

Space Ghost: That's news to my ears!

Birdman: How old is he?

Cloud: According to this, he was born in 1776 that makes him an oldie!

Birdman: Yes, that's right...and Dr. Wormy was born in 1607!

Space Ghost: I never knew that worms could live this long!

Brak: Me neither!

Space Ghost: Well, Harvey...this doesn't mean we're still not enemies!

Birdman blasts Space Ghost.

Birdman: There you go, fiend.

Space Ghost: That's right, fiend.

Birdman: Time to get out of here and back to my studios!

Cut to the set. John Kerry is on the screen.

Birdman #2: What have I released...John?

John: I'm not quite sure.

Birdman #2: Bad stuff has been unleashed, 102 Birdmans are on the loose!

John: Really, including you?

Birdman #2: Yes, me! How can I get these guys out of here!

Birdman #7: Me Birdman, me smart, me not like you.

Birdman #2: They're just getting dumber by the mili-second!

John: So, did you vote for me?

Birdman #2: Uh, I think so...I'm not quite sure. Oh, I voted for Phil!

Peanut: No you didn't! You voted for Kerry, remember...

Cut to the ballot box.

Birdman: Say, Peanut, how are you voting for?

Peanut: Bush, because he lets us use guns!

Birdman: I'm voting for John Kerry! Because I don't want Bush in for another four years!

Peanut: Four years of terrorism, wars, and Saddam-capturing! I love George W. Bush!

Cut back to the set.

Birdman #2: Oh, yeah.

John: Well, thank you.

Birdman #2: Yeah, now I remember I asked everyone and I mean everyone who they voted for! They all said Bush.

John: Conformists.

Birdman #2: Let's hope Adult Swim advertised your appearance on MY show! That's ratings galore!

John: Yeah, I suppose.

The original Birdman crashes in.

Birdman: BIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDMAN!

John: Hello, uh...Birdman.

Birdman: Huh, how come they are lots of Birdmans here?

Birdman #2: Uh, doesn't ask me I'm just a girl?

Birdman: I know you're not telling the truth, some me your wang!

Birdman #2: NO!

Birdman: Well, I know it's there!

Birdman pulls Birdman 2's pants down looks at him shocked.

Birdman: No genitals! What the bloody Hell!

Birdman pulls his pants down and sees his penis and puts it back up.

Birdman: I have the man-maker!

Peanut: I suppose the clones don't have dicks?

Birdman: Really, now?

Peanut: Yep.

Birdman: That's just stupid, how can they have sex then?

Peanut: I don't know, I don't know anything about cloning devices!

Birdman: Really now?

Peanut: Yep.

Birdman: Let's just change the subject, John...I'M the ORIGINAL Birdman.

John: Really, now?

Birdman: Oh yeah!

Birdman #2: Technically the makes me a girl.

Birdman: Having no cock in the shuttle doesn't make you any less of a man!

Birdman #2: I have a belly button, though?

Birdman: Who cares, it's not like you can perform stomach sex...

Peanut: Or can you?

Birdman: I was just about to say no!

Phil: What about all that "re-counting" controversy?

John: Oh, that.

Peanut: Yes, you wanted to whoop Bush's ass didn't you? Well, the Republicans are still running the government!

John: Yes I know.

Peanut: You liberal ass!

Birdman: Don't worry, I like you John.

John: Thanks, Birdman.

Birdman #8: Me smart!

Birdman #8 rips out Peanut's head.

Birdman: WHA!

Birdman rushes them off.

Birdman: I'm sorry John, but I got to go!

Cut to a farm. Birdman rushes over the others there.

Birdman: Listen, I like you! But I got to kill you!

Birdman #2: Why?

Birdman: Because you killed Peanut!

Birdman #2: But Birdman 8 did that!

Birdman: Well, you also have no penises!

Birdman #3: Shut up.

Birdman blasts a group of them.

Birdman: If you don't want to get killed, I suggest you go...NOW!

The rest of them rush off.

Birdman: Still got it!

Birdman flies off to the set. Cut to the set.

Birdman: Don't worry, anyone all the others are gone!

John: That's a relief.

Cut to Carmine sliding through.

Birdman: Hi Carmine!

Carmine: Listen, I ate that Bill guy!

Birdman: Why?

Carmine: He was so annoying!

Birdman: Oh, well. At least he didn't eat you!

Carmine: Yeah, big relief.

Carmine burps.

Carmine: Listen, I'm going to clean up the blood.

Birdman: That's nice.

John: So, how long does this show go for?

Birdman: It's going to end soon.

John: Really?

Birdman: Yes, I run a half-hour show!

John: Meaning 22 minutes?

Birdman: Actually, it's usually 21 minutes.

John: Really?

Birdman: Commercial time, me being tired, you know, one minute less.

John: Yeah, that's bad.

Birdman: Make up the most of the time John! It's going to end...

Carmine: Soon.

John: So we should we still talk?

Birdman: How about over coffee?

John: Sure.

Birdman: It's a deal.

John: Yep, senator meets Birdman.

Birdman: Oh, yeah.

Carmine slides back.

Carmine: I cleaned up the blood.

The other Birdmen enter.

Birdman: What are you doing here?

Birdman #2: Well, let's see...

End credits.


	8. Sad Times

Birdman Coast to Coast

Sad Times

Cut to Lokar sitting in a comfy chair.

Lokar: Hello, boys and girls...it's me Lokar Locusta, king of the locusts. The recent Standards and Practises crackdown made Birdman put the show on hiatus for one week, so we'll give you...the viewer a glimpse of Birdman what he was like before he was famous in this special edition of Birdman Coast to Coast, here's his "Sad Times"...

Opening credits.

Cut to a film reel of Birdman being born.

Lokar:(V.O): In 1942, a very special baby was born...Ray Randall. Doctors described it as a super-baby and could become the next Batman or Superman. Father, Jason Randall and mother Alison Randall were proud of little Ray...

Cut to the present Jason and Alison at the retirement home.

Jason: Yep, when Dr. Wargo said our baby's super powers are solar-powered, well, we just couldn't believe our new baby boy Ray could be a superhero.

Alison: Having a super-powered baby was not easy.

Jason: But we reckon we did a fine job of raising little Ray.

Cut to a film reel of Birdman, 6 years old going to school with his Mom and Dad.

Lokar:(V.O): When he was 6 years old, Ray went to school and that's when he met Falcon 7 aka Phil Ken Sebben.

Cut to Phil.

Phil: Well, I taught Birdman when he started school that was when I was a teacher at "Corner Road Elementary School".

Lokar:(V.O): Corner Road Elementary School was a fine school for Birdman, as he learned, made friends, and learnt more about life.

Cut to Jason & Alison.

Jason: How bad life was the reason why Ray wanted to be a superhero. I mean, when he announced it, we were like "Huh?" but we're proud of him.

Lokar:(V.O): The '40s wasn't easy...

Cut to Birdman.

Birdman: It wasn't easy, the Depression came and went, and people were still shocked and also World War 2, well it wasn't easy.

Cut to Lokar.

Lokar: But no matter how hard things were, in 1947, Jason & Alison gave birth to Birdman's now deceased little sister, Dora.

Cut to Jason and Alison.

Jason: Ray was five, and he was so happy having a little sister.

Lokar:(V.O): But, Birdman thought the good times would never end...in 1948, on Dora's 1st birthday, Dora died of a house fire.

Jason: She was so young, I mean why not me?

Alison: Now, dear.

Jason: WHY NOT ME!

Pause.

Jason: Let's get some coffee.

Jason & Alison walked off. Cut to Birdman.

Birdman: I mean, the house fire was so sudden, I mean I tripped my power bands went off and hit the electrical socket and it...killed my baby sister!

Cut to Lokar.

Lokar: This event caused Birdman to run away, his parents were worried sick, but lucky enough Birdman encountered Space Ghost.

Cut to Space Ghost.

Space Ghost: I was a teenager who hated life, so I ran away from my parents to explore the big cheese "Earth". I saw Birdman lying alone, crying and I helped him. It was the first time we met.

Cut to Birdman.

Birdman: My parents were worried and scared about me, as I said the '40s wasn't a good time to live.

Cut to film reel. Birdman (as a kid) is on the streets with a mug.

Birdman: Spare a dime, spare a dime. I'm a five-year old kid who needs to restart his life!

Man #1: Get yourself something like a Tom & Jerry thingy.

Woman #2: Go and rent an apartment.

Space Ghost flies in.

Space Ghost: Hi, My name is Tad. What's yours?

Birdman: Ray. Why are you wearing those clothes?

Space Ghost: My parents are training me to become a well-known superhero.

Birdman: I have powers.

Space Ghost: They say my name should be "Space Ghost" because I live in space and when I was being born, I died but got miraculously revived.

Birdman: Space? That's cool, do you come from Mars?

Space Ghost: No.

Birdman: Jupiter.

Space Ghost: No.

Birdman: Neptune.

Space Ghost: No, I live in a planet called: "Ghost Planet" it's named after my great grandfather "Dale Ghostal".

Birdman: Cool, how old are you?

Space Ghost: Fifteen, you?

Birdman: Five.

Space Ghost: Do you have a family, little guy?

Birdman: Yes, but I ran away because I caused the death of my sister.

Space Ghost: Oh well, you just go back and tell your parents your sorry, and it was just an accident, because in twenty more years, they would have forgotten. Say, I'll get you home.

Birdman: Nope, I can fly.

Birdman flies home.

Space Ghost: What a brave little boy.

Cut back to the PRESENT Space Ghost.

Space Ghost: Years and years later, we are talk-show rivals. It's surprising we met under those circumstances.

Cut to Lokar.

Lokar: Jason and Alison, unsurprisingly shocked and ashamed of Birdman when this event occurred. Birdman and the family were traumatized about the event, and went to a psycho-therapist, Dr. Nightmare.

Cut to Dr. Nightmare.

Dr. Nightmare: Yes, I was a crazy doctor back in the '40s, then turned bad guy in the '60s and then lawyer in the '90s. In-between, I did some odd jobs to go by. Yes, Jason, Alison & little Birdman were all tough-cases. But they eventually forgot and forgave each other, I felt so proud of there process.

Cut to a black-and-white tape of Alison, Jason & Birdman in the couch with Dr. Nightmare.

Dr. Nightmare: So, Mr. and Mrs. Randall...what have you got to say about your son.

Jason: We're ashamed of you Ray; we can't believe something like this can happen.

Birdman: I'm sorry, dad.

Jason: I know you are sorry, but sorry doesn't bring Dora back alive now doesn't!

Alison: Jason...

Jason: Now Alison, you knew I had a temper when you married me.

Dr. Nightmare: Listen, little Ray is already sad as you are, but don't put the blame on him.

Jason: WHY THE FUCK SHOULDN'T WE! HE KILLED HIS OWN SISTER!

Birdman: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!

Birdman runs outside crying.

Dr. Nightmare: Listen Mr. Randall, I noticed Ray had power-bands; did you buy that for him?

Alison: Yes, we bought if for his 5th birthday.

Dr. Nightmare: And he said he tripped over, the bands went off and hit the electrical socket with caused an electrical fire. Now listen, it isn't his fault.

Jason: I suppose.

Alison: Okay, thank you Dr. Nightmare.

Cut to Dr. Nightmare.

Dr. Nightmare: Jason had a bad temper, but Alison was pretty and sweet. Ray was a good boy but always cries when he does something wrong, like a maths equation, if he did a maths equation and got it wrong, he would cry...basically his traumatized by these events and tries not to do anything wrong.

Cut to Birdman.

Birdman: Yes, I tried to get everything right, but failed at trying to get it right, so I would always cry, because I'd worry about something bad happening.

Cut to a shot of little Birdman with a baby Avenger.

Lokar:(V.O): After the fire fiasco, Jason & Alison bought Birdman a baby eagle, which he named "Avenger" for Christmas. But Christmas still felt weird for them.

Cut to Birdman.

Birdman: Yep, got Avenger when I was 6-years old for Christmas. My parents said that the people at the vet were going to kill Avenger because his parents badly injured him, but years later and he is better then ever.

Lokar:(V.O): Also, they moved into there new house next door to Falcon 7, whom Birdman only knew him as back then.

Birdman: Oh yes, moved to New York. The big apple, it was weird...meeting new people, new friends, odd locations I've never seen...now I know New York inside out, I even know that song: "New York, New York" and got one of those I heart New York.

Birdman grabs out a T-shirt reading: "I (heart) New York".

Jason: It was really weird but wonderful experience for Ray, also pretty bad.

Alison: Bad?

Jason: Remember, the talk-a-lot-pyrosis.

Alison: Oh, yeah.

Lokar:(V.O): Yes, when Birdman was celebrating his tenth birthday, doctors diagnosed him with "talk-a-lot-pyrosis". It's a disease where you starting talking a lot, it was in-curable disease unless a surgery was performed.

Cut to New Jersey.

Lokar:(V.O): Birdman had to go to New Jersey for the surgery to be performed, where he met a hospital intern "Steve".

Cut to Steve (from ATHF).

Steve: Oh yeah, that's when my boss Dr. Weird had his own hospital, that's when we met Birdman.

Cut to a young Birdman in the hospital.

Jason: Hello nurse, a Ray Randall, um...he needs surgery.

Nurse: Welcome to the Dr. Weird Memorial Hospital, Dr. Weird will be right here in a minute.

Dr. Weird (with black hair) enters.

Dr. Weird: Hello, it's me! Dr. Weird.

Alison: Hello, Dr. Weird. I want my son to get fixed.

Birdman: Mom, why do I need to get fixed? I don't need it, I'm completely fine, I'm more then super, I'm so great, I can leap from the walls, nope, nothing wrong with me, I feel so great, so great I can leap from the walls, oops, already said that, oh well.

Alison: You see!

Dr. Weird: Yes, talk-a-lot-pyrosis! My father was diagnosed with that back in 1949. Oh, Steve!

A younger Steve (6 years-old) comes in.

Steve: Yes, Doctor.

Dr. Weird: Give me my beaker.

Steve gives Dr. Weird his beaker.

Dr. Weird: Time...for the deadly surgery.

Jason: Huh?

Dr. Weird: I mean...deadly surgery!

Cut to Dr. Weird in the operating room.

Lokar:(V.O): Dr. Weird operated to the crack of dawn until...it was safe to say...Birdman was saved, pfft, like that's a good thing.

Dr. Weird: Mr and Mrs Randall, Ray is okay!

Phil:(V.O): Ha, ha. That rhymes

Lokar:(V.O): Shut up.

Alison: Thank you Dr. Weird!

Dr. Weird: I just removed his voice box and scrambled it into his windpipe, which prevented him talking for 48 hours!

Jason: WHAT!

Dr. Weird: Yes, 48 hours. After that, his windpipe will release and untwist the voice box which was the reason why he was so talkative.

Alison: Really.

Lokar:(V.O): So, they waited two whole days, and then Birdman was better then ever.

Cut to New York home. Birdman enters.

Birdman: Mom, Dad. I'm better then ever.

Jason: Yep, I'm so proud of you, you brave soldier.

Cut to Lokar in the chair.

Lokar: Yes, after the break...we'll show you Birdman's troubled teenage-hood. Ta, ta.

Cut to commercial.

Cut to Lokar.

Lokar: Hello, did you take a bathroom break? I did...IN my pants.

Pause.

Black Vulcan: In your pants.

Lokar: Whatever, let's just cut to when Birdman or "Ray" celebrated his 13th birthday.

Cut to an older Birdman with acne and a big cake on the table.

Relatives: HAPPY birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you! YAY!

Birdman blows the candles.

Jason: Big 13.

Alison: I'm so proud of my little man.

Birdman: Thank you Mom, Dad.

When Birdman speaks, his speaks in a squeaky-pitched voice.

Jason: Can't wait until his old enough to get rid of that annoying voice.

Birdman: Huh, Dad?

Jason: Nothing son.

Lokar:(V.O): He started having "blast dreams".

Birdman wakes up to find his bed up destroyed.

Birdman: Huh?

Cut to Birdman getting his sheets to the washing machine.

Jason: Son? What are you doing?

Birdman: Nothing, I just want to feel responsibility.

Jason: That's nice...hey! You are had a "blast dream" didn't you?

Pause.

Birdman: No.

Lokar:(V.O): He wasted his powers on when looking at pictures of villains.

Cut to Birdman in the toilet wasting his powers while reading a magazine.

Student #1: Hey everybody! Ray wants to destroy Myron Reducto!

Birdman: What?

Birdman gets out and sees a teenage Reducto.

Reducto: Hello Ray, so you want to be my butt-kicker eh?

Birdman: Ah, of cause not, I don't want to destroy you.

Reducto: Whatever.

Reducto walks out with a shrink gun in his hands.

Birdman: Phew, that was close

Student #2: Too close.

Lokar:(V.O): And...he started high school!

Principal: Welcome to the World Trade Center High School.

Birdman: Thank you.

Cut to Birdman studying.

Teacher: And if you have a fraction of Hitler's moustache, what's the exact fraction.

Birdman: 4th?

Teacher: No, 3rd.

Birdman walks out.

Teacher: Listen, Ray...if you have any trouble, just call this number.

The teacher gives Birdman a card reading: "Falcon 7, Licensed Tutor".

Birdman: Okay, thanks.

Cut to Birdman studying with Phil.

Phil: And what does a quarter of Lassie do when you swap it with King Kong's skin.

Birdman: The fraction amount of fur rises because of King Kong's height compared to Lassie.

Phil: Every good, Ray.

Lokar:(V.O): No matter how much Birdman studied, he failed.

Cut to Birdman getting a sheet of paper reading: "F ".

Birdman: Huh?

Lokar:(V.O): He then became a high-school dropout after awhile.

Cut to Birdman in a gym.

Lokar:(V.O): He became a gym guy, working out and making some muscles.

Birdman: 92, 93, 94, 95, 96, 97, 98, 99, 100!

Birdman steps off.

A person walks over to him.

Person: I saw you made it to 100 without breaking A sweat, say, you want to be my spokesperson for "Muscle Gain 2000", and it's a different kind of steroid that's legal in this state.

Birdman: Really?

Person: Sure, there are only a few side effects, insomnia, explosive bowel-cleavage, hyperactive-ness, stupefied-ness, psycho-ness, idiocy, anger & incredible stress.

Birdman: That all.

Person: Yep, and it only costs a hundred bucks for the first second, then jack up the price to an all-time high.

Lokar:(V.O): Everyone was worried about "Ray", he started acting strange, his become more buff and quick and so enough...well, let's just say, his squeaky voice came and went fast. When he was 20, he became a hobo, the least to say.

Cut to Birdman in the streets.

Birdman: Spare a dime! Spare a dime! Spare a dime!

Lokar:(V.O): He got so much money, that he was able to get to the library and he started borrowing books about birds.

Cut to Birdman in the library.

Birdman: Hello, book guy, can I borrow ALL the books on birds and eagles.

Avenger flies in.

Cut to Birdman reading a book.

Birdman: Birds vomit out food into their young? Uh, I'm going to read more.

Avenger: Cor.

Cut to Birdman reading, later.

Birdman: Birds lay eggs?

Birdman grabs a plate of green eggs and ham.

Birdman: A bird laid this?

Birdman eats it.

Birdman: Terrible, must read more.

Cut to later.

Book Guy: Um, sir...the book store is closed.

Birdman: So, I should get out?

Book Guy: No, I'm saying you're stuck for the night.

Book Guy leaves.

Birdman: Oh, crap.

Cut to Lokar.

Lokar: And the year after, Birdman became a rookie wrestler at an under-ground hate club called: "The Justice Hole".

Cut to the Justice Hole.

Tansut: And in the red corner, weighing 400 and 20 pounds...Birdman.

Cut to an audience staring at him.

Tansut: And in the blue corner, the ghost of all space ghosts, Space Ghost!

Birdman: Huh?

Cut to an audience staring at him. Zorak comes in a referee shirt.

Zorak: Listen, go crazy, and kill each other. That's why people are here, now let's get it on!

Birdman and Space Ghost blast each other.

Tansut: And we start the match with a good blasting!

Birdman then punches Space Ghost.

Tansut: OH! I haven't seen a punch this good since Mike Tyson throw a punch is Las Vegas some years ago.

Space Ghost kicks Birdman in the jaw.

Tansut: OH! Hot momma!

Birdman punches and kicks Space Ghost in the crotch.

Tansut: Birdman goes off and hits a male's sensitive spot.

Birdman grabs Space Ghost and swings him around until he vomits all over Tansut.

Tansut: Vomit a lot there is! Isn't that right, Lokar?

Lokar: Oh, yes Tansut: A rookie wrestler verses a rookie wrestler, now the fans are screaming for more!

Birdman blasts Space Ghost out of the arena.

Tansut: Whoa! Birdman wins! Birdman wins! Birdman wins!

Cut to the office.

Bob: Ray.

Birdman: Yes, Bob.

Bob: Listen, you've got 90,0000,0000,0000,000,000,000,0000.

Birdman: Really?

Bob: Yeah, since the fans like you, well...I'll give you a cheque.

Bob writes a cheque and gives it to him.

Birdman: That's a lot of money!

Bob: Yes, and that means you're fired.

Birdman: WHAT!

Bob: Oh well, I need to pay taxes, and your on psycho-level on money-giving packages, I need to fire you. It's legal.

Birdman: Oh, because I was going to sue you.

Bob: I know.

Birdman leaves.

Bob: Also, you don't look like a bird!

Birdman: I know, I'm just wearing a shirt with a bird on it.

Birdman is now outside and sees his Grandpa lying dead and a bunch of paramedics.

Birdman: Grandpa Trent!

Trent: Ray, I had a brain attack.

Birdman: A brain attack?

Trent: A man stabbed me in the brain, listen Ray...avenge me. Avenge me!

Trent dies.

Paramedic: Time of death, 10:18pm.

Birdman: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Cut to Birdman in his basement.

Trent:(V.O): Avenge me, avenge me...Ray.

Birdman: Grandpa...I want to be a superhero.

Cut to Birdman sketching.

Birdman: Not Birdie, not Birdie enough...got it.

Cut to Birdman in his trademark outfit.

Birdman: BIRRRRRRRRRRRRDMAN!

Cut to Lokar in his chair.

Lokar: And so, Birdman was born. When we came back, we'll show the rest of Birdman's "dark" history.

Birdman: That's it; I'm going to sue the network over this.

Lokar: You do that.

Cut to commercial.

Cut to Lokar.

Lokar: Hello, darlings! It's me, Lokar Locusta, back from the bathroom break...in the toilet, don't worry. Now, the conclusion of Birdman's "Sad Times".

Birdman: Seriously, everyone's going to know about me.

Lokar: Like, who cares?

Cut to Birdman (in his trademark outfit).

Birdman: Uh, I feel so comfortable!

Birdman flies out the window.

Birdman: Time to save the lives of many, like I always dreamed.

A bank robber comes out with 10 sacks of money.

Bank Robber: Nobody tell the police or Batman, or Superman, or Aquaman or Black Vulcan, or all of those stupid Justice League or Justice Friends.

The Bank Robber runs then sees Birdman.

Bank Robber: I said no...what's your name?

Birdman: You didn't see don't tell BIRRRRRRRRRDMAN!

Bank Robber: Birdman? You're that wrestler guy in "The Justice Hole"!

Birdman: I'm not fighting for entertainment; I'm fighting for the people of New York!

Birdman beats up the bank robber and blasts him. Birdman then gets the 10 sacks of money, Cyclo comes.

Cyclo: Birdman, you're under arrest for suspicion of robbing the New York Bank.

Birdman: Cyclo, I thought you were in jail.

Cyclo: I was, but now I get released every now and then to help the police.

Cyclo takes Birdman in the police car.

Cyclo: Are you a stalker?

Lokar:(V.O): Birdman then was sentenced to jail for four years. When he was released, Birdman came across Bob, the guy who fired him.

Bob: Hello Ray.

Birdman: Hello Bob.

Bob: Listen, I heard you were just released from jail, want to star in a new show about your superhero life: "Birdman and the Galaxy Trio".

Birdman: You mean like a "reality" show?

Bob: Oh yeah, you'll be teamed up with the "Galaxy Trio", appear on the set, September 9th 1967, for rehearsal.

Birdman: But, I thought it was supposed to be "real".

Bob: Just rehearse; we're going to tape on September 10th.

Birdman: Let's just meet each other on September 10th?

Bob: OKAY!

Cut to the location.

Bob: Hello everybody, here's the star of the soon-to-be hit NBC show, Birdman!

Sylvia: Hi.

Meteor Man: Hi.

Bob: Now, the other guy will be other here soon.

Cut to Lokar.

Lokar:(V.O): Unsurprisingly, Birdman and the Galaxy Trio was cancelled. None of the less, Birdman started going out with Sylvia, and befriended co-star Birdboy otherwise known as "Peanut", he also got to know more about his mentor "Falcon 7" as he worked on the show as "Falcon 7".

Cut to Birdman.

Birdman: The show might be cancelled, but I had gained so much more, except the fact Sylvia started cheating on me with Phil.

Cut to Birdman and Sylvia on a date.

Birdman: So Sylvia, what do you want to order?

Sylvia: Um, how about chicken meat, dinosaur liver and my favourite "chicken soup" with hot mustard and some green stuff from China.

A waiter comes in.

Waiter: Madam, I jotted that down on my crappy piece of paper. Sir?

Birdman: Fried ice.

Waiter: Rice.

Birdman: No, ice.

Waiter: Okay, fried ice. Anything else?

Birdman: This "Mad cow burger" everyone is talking about. Ice cold soup and snow cones and hot cross beef.

Waiter: All bad choices sir, I'll be right back,

The waiter walks out.

Sylvia: Can you believe our show is cancelled?

Birdman: Oh, yeah, Bob must be spinning in his grave.

The waiter comes back with all the food.

Waiter: Everyone's food is ready, Mr. Birdman and Ms. Red-haired girl.

Sylvia murmurs. The waiter drops every down.

Waiter: Now Harvey...

Birdman: No, my name is Ray.

Waiter: Harvey sounds better, Harvey Birdman.

Birdman: Harvey Birdman?

Waiter: Now pay the chunky bill!

The waiter throws a big, fat bill at him.

Birdman: Okay, I saved up all my money from my show.

Cut to Lokar.

Lokar: And who would've thought Birdman and Sylvia would get married?

Birdman: Well, we did. And it didn't work out.

Lokar: Do you want ratings or to be cancelled?

Pause.

Birdman: I'll be good.

Lokar: And in 1995, after the two pilots Birdman filmed failed...he got married to his true love.

Cut to the wedding.

Priest: Do you, Harvey Birdman, take your lawful fiancé, for richer or poorer, to be your wife for a couple of years?

Birdman: I do.

Priest: And do you Sylvia, take Harvey Birdman has your husband for as long as you'll love him and stuff.

Sylvia: I do.

Priest: In the state of New York, as long as you love each other, I say you're both married, next wedding!

A photo gets taken. Cut to McDonalds.

Sylvia: What did you go to "New York's Gaming House" for our wedding?

Birdman: Today is the day the wedding is 95 percent off!

Sylvia: As I keep thinking about it, it's not going to be anytime soon you'll surprise me with family and friends and Will Estes coming out of a cake.

Birdman: Will Estes? What do you see in him? You're married to a superhero!

Sylvia: An ex-superhero.

Birdman: That's not true, just because I'm not as famous as I used to be, but it doesn't matter.

Sylvia and Birdman kiss.

Birdman: Now that's a kiss.

Cut to Lokar.

Lokar: As you guessed, after awhile...Sylvia started cheating on him with Falcon 7 or Phil.

Phil: Ha, ha. Affair.

Lokar: Birdman and Sylvia continued there marriage until 2000.

Cut to Birdman.

Birdman: The marriage only lasted 6 years, because of Sylvia's cheating heart. I tried to be a host for Space Ghost Coast to Coast when I had a chance, but it still didn't work out.

Cut to divorce court. Judge Mightor is presiding.

Birdman: I want custody of my son, Zorbird.

Judge Mightor: Why do you reckon Zorbird should be put to your custody?

Birdman: Because, Sylvia is trying to make him to a woman. I would chain him up in my crappy old apartment so he'll learn the meaning of the word "isolation".

Judge Mightor: That is considered child abuse, but since his a bird/mantis thingy, it doesn't count and I always enjoyed torture.

Judge Mightor grabs his gavel.

Judge Mightor: I grant Harvey Birdman custody of Zorbird Randall!

Judge Mightor bangs his gavel.

Sylvia: Just because I'm trying to nurture his feminie side, doesn't make him gay!

Birdman: I'm not homophobic; I just find it disturbing that there is a thing called: "Gay people".

Judge Mightor: Taken to record.

Birdman: And shouldn't a father be around his son?

Sylvia: Yes! Oh, who cares?

Birdman: Me.

Judge Mightor: Listen Birdman gets his stuff, and you get your stuff.

Birdman: Since I gave birth to him, that makes him apart of my "stuff".

Judge Mightor: Huh?

Birdman: I performed oral sex on a she-mantis in 1995, okay.

Sylvia: You cheated on me!

Birdman: Space Ghost forced me too!

Sylvia: If Space Ghost tells you to jump off a cliff, would you do it?

Pause.

Birdman: Yes.

Judge Mightor bangs his gavel.

Judge Mightor: I stand by my decision and that's final! Good day, you're officially divorced!

Judge Mightor bangs his gavel.

Judge Mightor: Case dismissed.

Sylvia and Birdman stand and leave.

Cut to Lokar.

Lokar: Birdman then went to law school. He failed, but since he knows the "legendary" Falcon 7, he got a job at Falcon 7's law firm "Sebben, Sebben".

Cut to Birdman.

Birdman: Yeah, I knew Falcon 7, then BAM! I passed the test even though if I didn't know him, I would have gotten an "F ".

Phil comes in.

Phil: Yes, thank God for me!

God:(V.O): Yeah, right.

Cut to Lokar.

Lokar: So, Birdman now works as a lawyer and a talk-show host. "Birdman Coast to Coast" will be back to normal next week, and if you tuned in for all of it, I'm very proud of you! Nobody likes Lokar, because Lokar "sucks", I mean c'mon! I'm the most intelligent person here!

Birdman walks in.

Birdman: Well, according to Bob...you don't match the RIGHT demographic.

Lokar: What demographic am I supposed to reach?

Birdman: "18-39", you reach the "50-100" demographic.

Lokar: WHAT!

Birdman: Yes, I know...shocking.

Lokar: That's it! I'm leaving!

Birdman: That's nice.

Lokar: My talent is not noticed by the idiot Bob!

Birdman: You're on Space Ghost Coast to Coast?

Pause.

Lokar: Listen Birdman, I'm tired as Hell let's just end the show with "Birdman" bloopers.

Birdman: No...way!

Lokar: Yes.

Birdman: No!

Lokar: Ye...

End credits.


	9. Spanish Music

Birdman Coast to Coast

Spanish Music

Cut to Birdman's dressing room. Phil enters.

Phil: Hello Harvey, ready for the big "Spanish" episode.

Birdman: Oh, yeah...to get prepared for the show, I listened to all their music.

Phil: Erik Estrada isn't a musician.

Birdman: Oh, crap. Then what was I listening to?

Birdman turns in on and hears odd Spanish music.

Singer :(singing with subtitles): Birdman sucks like the vacuum at my house, we live in Spain, and we have to live, with his annoying personality! I hope he fries! Like Frylock!

Birdman turns it off.

Birdman: Oh he we go, I was listening to the "Birdman Haters". Must hate the guy who tries to fly like a bird across the solar system.

Phil: Mm, hm.

Opening credits.

Phil: Tonight on Birdman Coast to Coast, star of the hit show "Sealab 2021", Erik Estrada! One-hit wonder, Shakira and a guy named "Enrique", I can't pronounce his name. Ha, ha...Spanish. Here's...

Birdman walks in.

Birdman: Oh, there's no time.

Birdman flies through the window and crashes down.

Birdman: BIRRRRRRRRRRRRDMAN!

Peanut: And I'm Peanut, I will be holding auditions for my band "Peanut and the Galaxy Trio".

Birdman: That's OUR band.

Peanut: Oh, well.

Birdman: That's it; it's either "Birdman and the Cruisers" or "Birdman and the Rock-a-fellas".

Peanut: Birdman and the Rock-a-fellas.

Phil: Ha, ha. I was going to say that.

Birdman: Okay, it's decided: "Birdman and the Rock-a-fellas". We said yeah, yeah, yeah, we said yeah, yeah...YEAH!

Peanut: Oh, Avenger...send in the next guest!

Birdman: Avenger is on vacation.

Peanut: WHAT!

Cut to Avenger on the beach.

Peanut: How can that stupid eagle, get a vacation and I can't even get my own band!

Birdman: Zorak doesn't have a band on Space Ghost Coast to Coast.

Peanut: Yes, he does: "Zorak and the Original Way Outs".

Birdman: Liar.

Peanut: Can't I have a vacation?

Birdman: NO!

Peanut: Why not?

Birdman: I've known Avenger mostly all my life, I didn't get to know you until we filmed that old show.

Peanut: Why, why that stupid bird?

Birdman: Because I said so!

Peanut: I demand a pay rise!

Birdman: NO!

Peanut: Then I demand a vacation!

Birdman: If I put Avenger back in here, would you be happy?

Peanut: Yes.

Cut to Birdman on the beach.

Birdman: Avenger...help.

Avenger: Uh, cor.

Cut to the studio.

Birdman: Avenger's back, happy!

Peanut: Yes, in next week's episode I'll hold auditions for my new band.

Birdman: No new episode next week.

Peanut: Pre-emption, again?

Birdman: Yep.

Peanut: 12 episodes, and so far we have made 6 episodes, this is our 7th.

Birdman: 9th including that pilot thing and that "Sad Times" thing.

Avenger: COR!

Birdman: What, oh okay...don't send in the guest just yet, Avenger...okay. You come to the dressing room with us.

Cut to the dressing room. Birdman, Peanut, Phil & Avenger are dressing up.

Birdman: Okay, we need Mexican costumes.

Phil: Um, Spanish.

Birdman: Spanish, Mexican, same thing.

Phil: Really?

Birdman: Yeah, pretty much.

Birdman and the gang go behind curtains.

Birdman: Okay...Peanut, that's my fake moustache!

Peanut: No it's not.

Birdman: Yes, it is!

Cut to the set. Space Ghost walks in.

Space Ghost: The coast is clear. Moltar, put on the "Birdman" bloopers.

Moltar: Aye, aye space idiot.

Moltar pushes down the level which reveals Birdman in the studio.

Birdman: I have a million pees-wees, I sucked them all.

Peanut: That's sick Harvey!

Birdman: I'm, like, so drunk.

Birdman wets his pants.

Bob: Uh, cut.

Cut to the gang in the "Mess Hall".

Birdman: Dumb, dumb, dumb dada dumb.

Peanut: Are you calling me dumb!

Birdman: Dumb.

Bob: Uh, not again. Cut!

Birdman: We were filming?

Bob: CUT!

Cut to the control room as Phil closes in on Avenger.

Phil: Yummy in my mouth.

Phil gets out of frame as Avenger puts on a disgusted face.

Bob: Ew.

Phil: I have an animal fetish.

Bob: It's not right, call a doctor!

Birdman enters.

Birdman: What are you doing to Avenger?

Phil comes back up.

Phil: Nothing.

Birdman: Okay, then.

Birdman then gets Avenger and eats him.

Avenger: CORR!

Bob: Cut!

Birdman: Huh?

Bob: Harvey, don't talk with your mouth full.

Birdman: Sorry.

Birdman vomits out Avenger.

Avenger: C...c...c...cor.

Cut to the set.

Birdman: Hello to me Mom!

Bob: Cut! If you want to steal ideas from Space Ghost, read the joke book.

Cut to a book with Space Ghost sitting on a stool reading: "Space Ghost's Jokes". Cut to the set with Space Ghost.

Space Ghost: Ha, ha. That guy is so stupid! C'mon, hurry up Moltar!

Moltar runs in with a tape reading: "Birdman Bloopers".

Space Ghost: On my back, poorly drawn kind of a molten man.

Moltar: Uh.

Moltar gets himself on Space Ghost as he flies off, the Birdman gang enter in matching Spanish costumes, with sombreros, fake moustaches, and a carpet sample lapping over there shoulders.

Birdman: Okay, our first guest is washed-up Puerto Rican star, Erik Estrada!

Avenger: COR!

Birdman: Sorry Avenger, they don't sell Spanish clothes in eagle-size.

Avenger: Cor.

Birdman: Send him in, Avenger.

Avenger: Cor.

Erik Estrada appears on the TV screen.

Birdman: Erik Estrada!

Erik: Hello, uh...Birdman?

Birdman: Yes. Lucky first guest.

Erik: I'm your first guest?

Birdman: No, lucky first "guess".

Erik: Oh, because it sounded like guest.

Birdman: This is my 9th episode.

Erik: Really, it survived this long?

Birdman: Yes, after this, four more episodes.

Erik: Good ratings?

Birdman: Os, os.

Erik: Os?

Birdman: Backwards for so. So, so.

Erik: So it's not great, but it's not bad either?

Birdman: E-xactly.

Erik: What did you say it like that?

Birdman: Because, I just did.

Erik: Really?

Birdman: The big Erik Estrada, I loved you as Officer Poncho in "CHiPs".

Erik: Yes, back in the '80s.

Birdman: Focusing on voice-acting now, are we?

Erik: Yep, I like voice-acting because it's just about the voices not the acting.

Birdman: Your first animated show was...

Erik: Sealab 2021.

Birdman: To people who don't usually bother to watch Sealab 2021, it is a comedy remake of the original '70s show "Sealab 2020", it's based a year after the original and it involves a totally different cast.

Erik: Yes.

Birdman: I watched 10 episodes of that show, it...wasn't very good.

Erik: Hm, hm.

Birdman: No offensive to you, but the Debbie chick brings it down.

Erik: Really?

Birdman: I'm not sexist, just that I'm not a fan of slutty women.

Peanut: Speak for yourself...you married one!

Birdman: Gigi is not a slut!

Peanut: She is, you admitted it a couple of times.

Pause.

Birdman: Oh yeah?

Peanut: Yeah!

Birdman: Yeah!

Peanut: Really?

Birdman: Oh, yeah.

Peanut: Fuck off.

Birdman: Watch your mouth!

Birdman blasts soap into his mouth.

Birdman: Cleaning Peanut's mouth.

Peanut: Help!

Suds come out of his nose.

Peanut: Suds!

Birdman: Officer Suds!

Cut to Officer Suds.

Officer Suds: Poncho?

Erik: Officer Suds?

Birdman: Oh no, family reunion.

Cut to commercial.

Birdman: What was that Avenger?

Avenger: Cor.

Birdman: It was an accident, huh?

Avenger: Cor.

Birdman: Just make sure it doesn't happen again!

Avenger falls asleep.

Avenger: Cor...

Cut to commercial.

Birdman: Uh, Avenger?

Avenger: CORRRRR!

Birdman: You've got to another commercial!

Birdman comes in and blasts Avenger with "Wake-up Drugs". Birdman flies in to the studio again.

Birdman: I'm sorry, Avenger. But that had to happen.

Avenger: Cor.

Birdman: Don't you cor me!

Erik: Can you even understand a word he is saying?

Birdman: Yes, his saying: "Cor".

Peanut: Polly want a beating?

Birdman: Yes, Peanut beat him up.

Peanut runs in and beats Avenger up.

Birdman: Him and his parents were run over.

Erik: Who? The eagle?

Birdman: The Eagles and The Who are two of my favourite bands! I didn't know they were yours!

Erik: No, not really. I was asking about the running over thing.

Birdman: Oh, Avenger was going to die but my parents got him for me for Christmas!

Erik: Isn't that nice?

Birdman: Yep.

Peanut: Polly, polly, polly, polly wanna a beatin'?

Birdman: Erik...help.

Erik: Huh?

Birdman: Become Peanut's new voice.

Peanut: No! My precious voice!

Birdman: The tables are turned!

Peanut:(speaks like Erik Estrada): Really?

Erik: Oh, what happened?

Birdman: You did it Erik!

Peanut: Why Erik? Why?

Birdman: I love you Erik,

Erik: Yeah...whatever.

Peanut: Uh, I missed my old voice.

Erik: If I can voice you, I can unvoice you!

Birdman: Unvoice?

Erik: It's a word.

Birdman: Un...voice?

Erik: It's a word, look it up.

Birdman: No, you look it up!

Erik: I don't have a dictionary!

Birdman: Yeah, and I do?

Erik: Yes.

Cut to a dictionary.

Birdman: Pfft, that could be any book.

Erik: It's a dictionary?

Birdman: Where's my PDA?

Peanut: Avenger has it.

Birdman: Avenger!

Avenger: COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR!

Birdman: Don't you scream at me!

Avenger: Get your own PDA.

Birdman: Avenger! You can talk! Say: "Birdman rocks".

Avenger: Make me.

Birdman: Avenger.

Birdman flies off to the control room.

Birdman: Give me my PDA!

Avenger: Mike to PDA, Mike to PDA: "Birdman stinks".

Birdman: Your name is Mike?

Avenger: Mike...Brady.

Birdman: Huh?

Avenger shoots out lasers from his eyes.

Birdman: Avenger is possessed! Get the Mexican witch doctor!

Cut to the "Mexican Witch Doctor Centre" on Jupiter. Cut to inside.

Mexican Witch Doctor: And take your Stimutacs everyday.

Patient #1: Thank you Dr. Taco.

Birdman: Dr. Taco?

Dr. Taco: I run the "Taco King" on Ghost Planet.

Birdman: Taco King?

Dr. Taco: I have taco-flavoured kisses.

Birdman: Oh yeah, we want my pet eagle to have an exorcism.

Avenger: Fuck me.

Dr. Taco gets on top of Avenger.

Birdman: Dr. Taco!

Dr. Taco: Well, he said say "fuck me".

Birdman: Not literally.

Phil: Ha, ha.

Dr. Taco: I can't do anything to help you.

Dr. Taco turns into a giant and eats everyone and the whole universe. Cut to his stomach.

Dr. Taco: This should work!

Birdman: According to the pamphlet that Dr. Taco is going to swallow, he is going to spew us out any minute reverting Avenger back to his normal self.

Dr. Taco vomits out the universe.

Birdman: THAAAAAAAAAAANK YOU.

Cut to the set, Birdman crashes through the studio. Peanut crashes to his spot and Avenger flies through as Phil rides on him.

Phil: Ha, ha.

Avenger pushes Phil off as he lands on Birdman.

Phil: Oh crap. Ha, ha.

Avenger: Cor.

Birdman: Avenger is back to normal.

Avenger dumps on Birdman.

Birdman: Just like old times.

Peanut: Everyone is covered in either saliva or vomit.

Birdman: Erik, Erik!

Erik wakes up.

Erik: Oh, hi Birdman.

Birdman: Erik, I think it is time to go.

Erik: Cut to commercial, eh?

Birdman: No, Avenger used up all our ad-time so we'll be going straight to our next guest.

Erik: I'm sorry, I was just sleeping.

Birdman: Hey, I'm the guest.

Erik: No, you are the host. I'm the guest.

Birdman: Ho-st.

Erik: Host.

Birdman: It sounds good on me.

Erik: Yep.

Birdman: Time to go, Erik.

Erik: See you.

Birdman: I salute you Erik Estrada!

Erik: No, I salute "you".

Birdman: Yeah, we see you!

Erik disappears off the screen.

Birdman: Time for Shakira! Underneath her clothes is a story, of great bonanzas!

Peanut: BIRDMAN!

Birdman: Sorry I offended you, GIGI.

Peanut: Yeah, that and her boobs aren't that great.

Birdman: Then who am I thinking about?

Peanut: Uh...Carmen Electra?

Birdman: That's it! We need her around next week or so.

Avenger: Cor.

Birdman: Hey! You write down for the May 2nd show "Carmen Electra".

Phil: Ha, ha.

Birdman: I'm like a married bachelor.

Peanut: Except that bachelors are actually good with the ladies!

Birdman: Shut up.

Avenger: Cor.

Birdman: Alrighty, enough ogling for tonight. Time for Shakira!

Shakira appears on the screen.

Birdman: That was quick.

Shakira: That's a funny outfit you have there.

Shakira laughs.

Birdman: What's so funny?

Shakira: Your clothes!

Birdman: Did you know underneath my clothes there is an endless story.

Shakira continues laughing.

Birdman: Want to see?

Shakira: No thank you.

Shakira laughs even harder.

Birdman: You're quite the laugher aren't you?

Shakira: Because you are so funny!

Birdman: Me funny?

Birdman cries.

Shakira: Did I offend you?

Birdman: Yes.

Peanut: Shut up.

Birdman: I mean no.

Peanut: Good.

Shakira: Huh?

Birdman: Obvious hangover.

Peanut: Shut up.

Birdman: Either that or drugs.

Shakira: Drugs? Oh, no.

Peanut: Actually I did some research on the net and saw that Shakira is actually from Columbia.

Birdman: Columbia Pictures is the company that turned down my movie. So I got Warner Bros.

Peanut: No it's a country.

Birdman: Columbia Pictures is a country?

Shakira laughs.

Birdman: I'm richer then you.

Peanut: The Simpsons.

Birdman: Let me guess "I'm ripping off The Simpsons?".

Peanut: Yes.

Pause.

Birdman: Shut up.

Peanut: Make me.

Phil: Say, you were defending Shakira, you have a crush on her.

Peanut blushes.

Peanut: No.

Phil: Ha, ha. Liar.

Shakira laughs.

Birdman: Your laugh is pretty to hear.

Shakira: Really?

Birdman: Yes, you're so much better then Fran Drescher. I recorded a interview with her once.

Peanut: No you didn't.

Birdman: Yes, it is for the May 2nd show. First guest, you weren't around.

Peanut: Oh yeah, you replaced us with Tansut, Zorak & Moltar.

Birdman: They were so good to me.

Peanut: Really?

Birdman: We taped the interview on March 25th.

Shakira: Really.

Birdman: Oh yeah, gave me a broken leg, hip and tongue.

Shakira laughs.

Birdman: I got leg, hip and tongue surgery.

Birdman laughs.

Birdman: That's so funny! That's so...AGGGH! My hip and leg!

Birdman bites his tongue.

Birdman: And my tongue.

Shakira: You okay?

Birdman: Need to go to Dr. Taco.

Cut to the Dr. Taco Hospital Centre.

Dr. Taco: You can't speak for the next 48 hours.

Talking Machine: Stupid Shakira.

Dr. Taco: So you have to talk with that talking machine.

Talking Machine: I already know that.

Dr. Taco: And you need crutches and a wheelchair.

Talking Machine: Stupid thing.

Cut to Birdman in the set with a talking machine hooked up to him, sitting in a wheelchair and has crutches.

Shakira: You okay?

Talking Machine: Yes, I hate this Mexican show.

Peanut: Spanish.

Talking Machine: Whatever.

Peanut: Huh?

Talking Machine: Ever since this interview began, I knew they would be trouble and I've found it.

Pause.

Talking Machine: Where's the button?

Peanut: Try Machine: "bleep" you.

Peanut: Huh? I thought his show was uncensored.

Talking Machine: Me too, this is a load of bull"bleep".

Peanut: That's weird.

Talking Machine: Stupid thing, this "bleep" machine can't work.

Phil: D...a...

Talking Machine: "bleep", I hate this talking machine.

Peanut: You said Jesus and got bleeped?

Talking Machine: This is one "bleep" of a machine.

Peanut: Oh, that's normal. You can't say "bleep" without getting censored.

Phil: Ha, ha. "Bleep".

Peanut: In England, "bleep" means cigarette.

Cut to a guy sitting down.

Guy: I can't believe it! Can't say "fag" unless I'm gay! That's the Republicans for you.

Pause.

Peanut: You're gay.

Guy leaves.

Shakira: What time is it?

Talking Machine: Time for you to leave.

Shakira: Really?

Pause.

Talking Machine: Yes.

Pause.

Talking Machine: Oh, I found the button.

A boxing glove springs out and punches the screen to break.

Peanut: BIRRRRDMAN!

Talking Machine: Oh, "bleep". I can't have Enrique Gal-see-is.

Phil: Who cares?

Talking Machine: I care.

Peanut: Me too, Shakira is gone now.

Talking Machine: I was happy for her to leave.

Peanut: Go look up Machine: Oh...kay.

Cut to Birdman on the computer.

Talking Machine: This is good knowledge time.

Cut back to the set.

Talking Machine: Which site is that site with the pop-up ads constantly going up?

Peanut: Machine: That is it.

Cut to Birdman on the computer.

Talking Machine: Ha, ha.

Phil: That's my line!

Yzzerdd: Your skull gets crushed so hard, it's no wonder I'm number one.

Talking Machine: That's funny.

Yzzerdd: Oooooooh wizard.

Cut to the set.

Talking Machine: Time to fix the monitor.

Peanut: Okay, sure.

Birdman goes up and fixes it.

Peanut: That was quick.

Talking Machine: I rock.

Enrique appears on the screen.

Enrique: Hello Birdman.

Talking Machine: Hello, Enrique.

Enrique: What's wrong with your voice, it sounds like Stephen Hawking's.

Talking Machine: I bit my tongue.

Enrique: You did?

Talking Machine: I broke my tongue.

Pause.

Enrique: But Birdman...

Pause.

Enrique: There is no...

Pause.

Talking Machine: Yes.

Enrique: Bones in your tongue.

Pause.

Talking Machine: Yes.

Peanut: Huh?

Talking Machine: Yes.

Peanut: There are no bones in your tongue?

Talking Machine: Yes.

Enrique: That's right.

Talking Machine: Yes.

Peanut: How do you pronounce your last name, Enrique?

Talking Machine: Yes.

Enrique: Gal-la-see-is.

Peanut: Galaseeis.

Enrique: Yeah.

Peanut: Listen, we're running out of time.

Talking Machine: ...yes.

Peanut: So can you please leave?

Pause.

Talking Machine: Yes.

Peanut: Stop saying that!

Talking Machine: Yes.

Peanut: Just say "okay".

Talking Machine: Yes.

Peanut: OH...KAY!

Talking Machine: Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes...

Phil: She's going to blow. Ha, ha!

The talking machine explodes.

End credits.


	10. Peanut and the Galaxy Trio

Birdman Coast to Coast

Peanut and the Galaxy Trio

Cut to the mess hall.

Peanut: Tonight, on the show...I'm not going to be here.

Birdman: And why not?

Peanut: Because...holding auditions for my band.

Birdman: Really, now? And who said you can do that?

Peanut: You. Remember on Thursday...

Cut to Birdman sleeping as the phone rings, Birdman picks it up.

Birdman: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law. Whom may I speaking to.

Peanut: Me, Peanut.

Birdman: Hi Peanut.

Peanut: Can I...

Birdman: Yeah, whatever.

Cut back to the mess hall.

Birdman: I don't remember that.

Peanut: You do now.

Birdman: Shut up.

Phil: Who's on tonight's show?

Birdman: Let's see, Paula Abdul, Randy Jackson & Kelly Clarkson.

Peanut: Maybe they can help me!

Birdman: Why?

Peanut: They all are on American Idol.

Birdman: American Idol! Oh, crap.

Peanut: Oh, yes.

Birdman: AVENGER!

Avenger: Cor.

Avenger pecks at his food.

Birdman: That's hot.

Cut to Phil making out with Paris Hilton. Cut back to the mess hall.

Birdman: Huh?

Phil: Ha, ha. Confusion.

Birdman: Well Peanut, we don't need you. We have a backup band leader.

Peanut: Who? Lokar?

Birdman: Lokar Locusta. Oh wait, you said that.

Phil: Ha, ha.

Birdman: Oh, look at the time, 10:01...time to get ready for the show.

Phil: Really?

Birdman: Yes.

Phil: Really?

Birdman: Yes.

Phil: Really.

Birdman: Oh, crap it's 10:02.

Opening credits.

Phil: Tonight on Birdman Coast to Coast, American Idol judges Paula Abdul & Randy Jackson, and American Idol winner Kelly Clarkson. Ha, ha. Something. Here's...

Cut to the set. Birdman crashes in.

Birdman: BIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDMAN!

Lokar: And I'm Lokar.

Birdman: Shut up Lokar.

Lokar: Well, I'm supposed to be the sidekick!

Birdman: No, now Phil is the sidekick.

Cut to a live action Birdman and Phil running around together. Cut to them laughing, cut to Birdman and Phil on a train (laughing). Cut to them running to each other on the beach and hugging.

Live Action Phil: Ha, ha. Gay.

Cut to a live action Birdman & Phil skipping, holding hands and jumping over a water fountain.

Live Action Phil: Even gayer.

Cut to a live action Birdman & Phil sitting on a bench holding hands looking at the night sky.

Live Action Phil: Ha, ha...even more gayer.

Live Action Birdman: Lovely, isn't it?

Cut to the set with the animated versions of the characters.

Birdman: That was fun.

Phil: Ha, ha.

Birdman: What now?

Pause.

Phil: I love...BEING YOUR SIDEKICK!

Birdman: Me too, buddy...me too.

Lokar: This is so gay.

Birdman: Shut up.

Lokar: I'm supposed to be the sidekick.

Birdman: Well, according to Bob. You don't fit the right demographic.

Lokar: You told me that.

Birdman: Yes, Avenger isn't my sidekick because his demographic is towards the bird demographic.

Lokar: Huh?

Birdman: Yes, uh huh.

Avenger: CORRRRRRRRR!

Birdman: It's not my fault you don't fit the right demographic.

Avenger: Cor.

Birdman: Okay, I'll talk to Ted Turner about it in the May 9th show.

Avenger: Cor.

Birdman: Speaking of shows, this is our triumphant 10th episode.

Pause.

Lokar: That's all?

Birdman: Yeah, nothing to get really excited about.

Lokar: Well, the DVD is out.

Birdman: What DVD?

Lokar: Never mind. (to self) Except the fact life as a lawyer, means your being secretly videotaped.

Birdman: Huh?

Lokar: Never mind.

Birdman: What?

Lokar: I said nothing.

Birdman: No you said "never mind".

Lokar: Oh, yeah. Thanks.

Birdman: Let's just send Paula in.

Cut to Paula Abdul on the screen.

Paula: Hello Birdman.

Birdman: Hello, Ms. Abdul.

Paula laughs.

Birdman: What's your occupation?

Paula: I'm a judge on "American Idol".

Birdman: That, I would be ashamed of.

Paula: Why?

Birdman: Working with Simon Cowell, he was on my show once you know?

Paula: Yes, I heard.

Birdman: He called my show "worst show ever". I know about the flaws like that mailbag thing.

Lokar: Still hate the fact I was replaced with REDUCTO.

Birdman: And "Ask the Big Banana", but I axed those ideas long ago. Also, that opening monologue.

Paula: Opening monologue?

Birdman: Yes, Avenger didn't write it funnier enough.

Paula: Funnier enough?

Birdman: Yes, I make up words.

Paula: Like...

Birdman: Like pasghetti.

Paula laughs.

Paula: Yeah.

Birdman: Ted Turner is a jerk.

Paula: Ted Turner?

Birdman: That's one of the many words I make up.

Paula: Really?

Birdman: Oh yeah.

Paula: Another word you make up?

Birdman: No, oh yeah is a great word to use for things that Kool Aid Man would say.

Paula: Kool Aid Man?

Birdman: You've never heard of Kool Aid Man? OH YEAH!

Paula: So, is this show popular?

Birdman: Yep, up to the 10th episode.

Paula: Is that good for you?

Birdman: No, I thought it would get cancelled after four episodes or less.

Paula: That's nice.

Birdman: If I survive the next three more episodes, I'll make it up to order.

Paula: Really?

Birdman: Yep.

Paula: What's one of the words you make up?

Birdman: Nope.

Paula: Yeah.

Birdman: Please.

Paula: Yeah.

Birdman: Leave.

Paula: Yeah?

Birdman: Now.

Paula: Huh?

Paula disappears.

Lokar: What was that for?

Birdman: I didn't like her.

Cut to commercial.

Cut to the set.

Birdman: Next guest is another stupid, pathetic American Idol judge...Randy Jackson.

Randy appears on the screen.

Randy: Hello Birdman.

Birdman: Cut to commercial.

Randy: Huh?

Birdman: Oh, I'm sorry...it's 10:28pm.

Randy: But it's only around 10:11pm.

Birdman: Let's just leave this guy alone.

Pause.

Birdman: TO THE TACO KING!

Everyone runs out.

Randy: Birdman, Birdman.

Cut to an outer view.

Randy: Odd.

Cut to the Taco King. Birdman, Avenger, Phil & Lokar are gobbling up tacos, people in the background include Space Ghost, Zorak, Moltar (drinking a smoothie),Cloud, Brak's Dad, Brak's Mom, Brak, Sisto, Thundercleese, Dr. Taco, the mourners from "Send in the Birdmen" and a mini-casket with Dr. Worm in it, also Kentucky Shark from the SGC2C episode "Kentucky Nightmare".

Birdman: This is nice.

Lokar: Oh yeah.

Phil:(talking with mouth full): Ha, ha. Tasty.

A waitress comes.

Waitress: Wha' do you sweet peas want now?

Pea #1: Let's see, NOT TO GET EATEN!

Pea #2: Jeffrey, don't torture yourself like this, you've got a wife and three children to sacrifice for.

Jeffrey: Shut up, William.

William: Don't!

Jeffrey hops off.

William: NOOOOOOOOO!

Birdman digs a fork into William and eats him.

Birdman: Love the peas.

Lokar: Let's see, three nachos.

Birdman: Make my foursome.

Phil:(talking with mouth full): Torrita chips, six nachos, a burger and ten tacos.

Waitress: Bathroom is over there, sweet pea.

The waitress points to the Women's bathroom as Phil hops off and enters the Women's bathroom, as the women scream.

Phil: GULP! Ha, ha. I'm a pervert.

Cut to the studio as the gang enter, being really fat.

Birdman: Oh, I had a 10, 0000, 000, 000, 0000 tacos and I don't care.

Avenger: Cor.

Birdman: Hey, Avenger tried the Taco Challenge, and beat Blip, the old stupid monkey companion of Space Ghost's back in the '60s.

Avenger faints.

Phil: I had the most food though; I peed my pants in the car, also crapped in my pants, and vomited on my pants.

Lokar: Oh, that Dr. Taco makes a mean taco.

Randy: Hi guys.

Birdman: Hi Randy Jackson.

Birdman tries to sit down, but ends up squeezing himself in the desk.

Birdman: Jackson, any relation to "Michael Jackson"?

Randy: No, not really.

Birdman: Because he was on that second pilot I filmed way back in 1995.

Randy: Really?

Birdman vomits.

Randy: You okay?

Birdman: Fine, just had over a million tacos.

Randy: Wow.

Birdman: They had a sell on at the "Taco King" ending at midnight, at 10:30 I fly to parenting class, don't arrive to 11:15, doesn't start until 11:30 and it's half an hour class, so that's why I dug in the deal now.

Randy: Good idea, but couldn't you dig in the deal half an hour, before the show?

Birdman: Randy, do you know how long it takes to get to the Sun?

Randy: N-n-n-n-n-n-no.

Birdman: Four hours to fly here, plus traffic, I have to get here by 9:50 and be ready by 9:52, and to start at 10:00!

Randy: Four hours, were do you live?

Birdman: Huh, Earth.

Randy: Why don't you record the show on Earth and not on the Sun?

Birdman: Because, I fall asleep without the rays of the Sun, it's dark by 10:00pm.

Randy: So, that's why. How do the bird and the guy with the eye patch and that green bug survive?

Birdman: Because, they take a newly discovered pill invented back in 1993 when I started working as a scientist again.

Randy: What does the pill do?

Birdman: You can go to the Sun, without frying. It makes the body cool so it or he or she would survive on the Sun.

Randy: Very interesting.

Lokar: Boring.

Birdman: What?

Lokar: Boring.

Birdman: Now what?

Lokar: Boring.

Birdman: Okay, we will air that over segment you taped: "Be Yourself with Lokar Locusta".

Lokar: Thank you Birdman, roll clip Avenger.

Avenger: Cooooooor.

Cut to Lokar on the street with an old man.

Lokar: How do you feel about retirement homes these days?

Old Man: Hello, my name is John Dildo and I reckon the newer generations STINK!

Lokar: Yes, they do. John, retirement homes?

John: The retirement homes where old people are treated like a baby. It's a good thing considering what the Demi-cratics are doing these days.

Lokar: The democratics aren't in office.

John: Then who is?

Lokar: The Republicans are in office, George W. Bush.

John: Has he killed Saddam yet?

Pause.

John: Have you seen my teeth?

Cut to a blind man.

Lokar: Mr. Blind man.

Blind Man: My name is Jarred Knotts. Related to "Don Knotts".

Lokar: How do you feel about a camera being shoved in your face?

Jarred: There's a camera?

Lokar: Eh.

Cut back to the set.

Lokar: Gave them the new Australian drink: "Lipton Ice Tea".

Phil: Be yourself naturally.

Lokar: That's it.

Randy: Ice tea?

Birdman: Yes, it is the latest craze, like TAB back in the '80s.

Birdman grabs a can of TAB and drinks it.

Birdman: Uh, hallucination.

Birdman falls asleep.

Cut to Peanut, Space Ghost & Brak in a judge's panel, Prime Cut Miggity Mo Mack Jizzabang Doggy Dog Dog comes up on the stage.

Peanut: Who do you reckon you should be in my band?

Prime Cut: Because fool, I ain't got nothing on you see, I got to rap harder then Eninem and 50 Cent combined.

Peanut: Rap, oh no. No rapping.

Prime Cut: Oh, dang dog.

Prime Cut leaves.

Space Ghost: He seems nice.

Brak: Yes, let's get him!

Peanut: NO RAPPING.

Brak: Oh, well. We tried.

Peanut: Okay, we've down to Jan, Jayce & Blip.

Brak: Jan tried for saxophone, Jayce for bass drums and Blip for main drums.

Peanut: How about we just hire them?

Space Ghost: Oh no, you ain't getting Space Ghost's kids and their pet monkey!

Peanut: Cloud.

Pause.

Space Ghost: Oh, okay. Stupid kids and their meddling monkey.

Peanut: It's settled "Galaxy Trio Idol" is over.

Ryan Seacrest: I wanted to be host.

Tansut: Too bad.

Cut to the set. Peanut, Jan, Jayce & Blip enter.

Randy: Who's this fellow?

Birdman: My EX-sidekick, Peanut.

Randy: Who's the new one?

Birdman: Phil.

Peanut: PHIL!

Phil: Ha, ha. Unpredictable.

Mentok: Not unless, you're a mindtaker!

Phil: Really funny.

Mentok: I know.

Phil: Get out.

Mentok: Oh, okay.

Mentok leaves.

Randy: Is it time for me to go?

Birdman: Not really, but you can leave anyway.

Pause.

Birdman: Yep, leave.

Randy: Yeah.

Birdman: Leave now.

Randy disappears.

Birdman: Yeah, what A jerk.

Lokar: Does that mean I have to go?

Jan: Yes.

Blip: Woowoowoooo, ah! AH! AHHHHHHHHH!

Lokar: Stupid monkey.

Jayce: See you, Lokar.

Lokar: Stupid girls.

Lokar leaves.

Birdman: Uh, Peanut and the Galaxy Trio.

Jan: Yep.

Birdman: Yep.

Avenger: COR!

Birdman: Let's just go to commercial.

Phil: So who's the next guest?

Birdman: Kelly Clarkson.

Jan: Since you've been gone.

Birdman: What, Avenger have you cut to commercial yet?

Avenger: Cor.

Birdman: Good, we can talk, while we wait.

Pause.

Birdman: Anyone go for the Sunlight Beams?

Jan: What in GFL? Galaxy Football League.

Birdman: Yeah.

Jan: Nope, go for the Ghost Planet Spirits.

Birdman: I can't believe THEY won the Galaxy Bowl!

Jayce: I have high hopes for the Mars Reds.

Birdman: They just suck.

Peanut: I LOVE the cheerleaders for the Venus Sir-ens.

Birdman: They're pretty.

Avenger: CORRRR!

Birdman: We're back! Let's cut to another commercial before it's too la...

Cut to commercial.

Cut back to the set.

Birdman: Thanks Avenger.

Avenger: Cor.

Birdman: Our next guest is American Idol winner, Kelly Clarkson.

Kelly appears on the screen.

Birdman: Hello Kelly Clarkson.

Kelly: Hello Birdman.

Birdman: How are you going, Kelly Clarkson.

Kelly: Alright.

Birdman: Smell the dream, Kelly Clarkson.

Kelly laughs.

Birdman: Whatcha laughin' at Kelly Clarkson?

Kelly: You.

Birdman: What's so funny Kelly Clarkson?

Kelly: You keep referring me as "Kelly Clarkson", just call him simply as "Kelly".

Birdman: Oh, so you erased your last name, like Galileo, Cher, Barbie & Ned Kelly?

Kelly: Who's Ned Kelly?

Birdman: Reckless Kelly, stupid Kelly.

Kelly: Kelly, Kelly, Kelly!

Birdman: Yahoo Serious!

Kelly: Yahoo?

Birdman: Young Einstein, Mr. Accident & more.

Kelly: Mr. Accident?

Birdman: Australian film actor.

Peanut: Ex-film actor?

Birdman: Yes, his washed up now. I must put him on the show, preferably on May 9th.

Kelly: Why not next week?

Birdman: Because, schedule is filled up.

Kelly: Really?

Birdman: You got to be popular to be on my show.

Jan: Too bad you're not!

Birdman: I'm popular; I walk on the streets and people say: "It's Harvey Birdman".

Jan: Because your daily life as a lawyer is secretly videotaped.

Birdman: HUH?

A bright white flash flashes.

Birdman: What was that?

Jan: Oh, nothing.

Birdman: Kelly, what was that?

Kelly: I don't quite know myself.

Birdman: Oh, let's just move on.

Kelly: Galaxy Idol.

Birdman: Galaxy Idol?

Kelly: I saw Peanut and the Galaxy Trio there. Filmed a 6 episode series in 6 minutes.

Birdman: A reality show?

Peanut: Premiering Sunday May 1st at 6:30pm on Adult Swim.

Birdman: But Adult Swim doesn't start until 9:00pm, or is it 11:00pm, I forgot!

Peanut: Oh, it might be 9:00pm, I don't know.

Phil: Nope, 11.

Birdman: Whatever.

Peanut: Anyway, 6 episodes, premiering May 1st.

Birdman: Yeah sure, I'll watch it.

Peanut: Yeah you better; we both saw the stupid movie on Friday "Birdman vs. the Y2K".

Birdman: It's not stupid.

Peanut: That's not what Roger Ebert said.

Birdman: Screw that fatty bastard.

Peanut: Don't call Roger Ebert a bastard, his going to be on the May 9th show.

Birdman: Oh crap.

Kelly: You made a movie?

Birdman: Yep, premiered with a "G" rating on March 4th.

Kelly: March 4th?

Birdman: Oh yeah, the film was 95 percent recycled animation.

Kelly: The other five percent?

Birdman: New animation.

Kelly: Why not completely new animation?

Birdman: Because it costs money.

Kelly: How much?

Birdman: 100 percent new animation costs 1 million bucks, 5 percent is only one dollar fifty.

Kelly: Really?

Birdman: Oh yeah, that's why it likes so crappy.

Kelly: And the voice-acting?

Birdman: Redubbed lines.

Kelly: Redubbed?

Birdman: Not really redubbed, just that they used a sound system which scrambles all the words to the words on the script.

Kelly: Really?

Birdman: Oh yeah.

Blip: That sounds cheap.

Birdman: Blip, you can talk?

Blip: Oh yeah.

Birdman: That's nice.

Blip: I've just been silent, all these years.

Birdman: Silent?

Blip: Well, made monkey noises.

Avenger: Cor?

Blip: That's right Avenger, I'm no ordinary animal.

Mentok: I saw it coming.

Blip: That's right, you stupid mindtaker.

Mentok: I'm not stupid!

Jayce: Blip, I can't believe you can talk!

Blip: That's right, stupid head I can talk.

Jan: Really?

Blip: Shut up, bitch.

Jan: Bitch?

Blip: That's right, bitch.

Jan: I am not a bitch.

Blip: Not according to your stupid boyfriend, Ross Taco.

Ross: Me and my dad are tacos!

Blip: I'm going to stop talking.

Birdman: You better.

Bob: You've lost ratings Birdman.

Birdman: Oh crap, thanks a lot Blip!

Pause.

Blip: Agh.

Birdman: Talk damnit!

Blip: Ooh.

Birdman: Stupid monkey.

Bananas come down on him.

Birdman: Banana.

Kelly: Are you going to eat it?

Birdman: No, too much tacos.

Birdman vomits all over the bananas.

Blip: There goes my snack.

Birdman: HA! YOU TALKED!

Blip: Eeee.

Birdman: I heard you.

Peanut: So you won American Idol, Kelly?

Birdman: Because I made you talk.

Kelly: Yes.

Birdman: Because I'm Birdman.

Peanut: And you released a few albums, yes, yes?

Kelly: Yes.

Birdman: And I rock.

Peanut: No. Yes, yes.

Birdman: And you're a stupid talking monkey!

Kelly: Yes...yes.

Peanut: Goo.

Birdman: And I'm Birdman.

Blip: Stop gloating you waste of power.

Birdman: HA! YOU DID IT AGAIN!

Blip: Shut up.

Birdman: Oops, you did it again!

Blip: Just shut up.

Birdman: No, I'm allowed to gloat...because we live in America. Home of the free, land of the eagle...

Avenger: Cor.

Birdman: That's right, we live in a democracy which we can say what we please. You can say one thing, but do another. It's having your cake, and eating it too.

Cut to Blip eating a cake.

Birdman: Hey, that's my special cake for Space Ghost!

Peanut: You made a cake for him?

Birdman: Yes.

Peanut: Don't believe that.

Blip: Oh, that's nice.

Birdman: DON'T EAT IT!

Blip: You would like that, wouldn't you dickhead?

Birdman: I don't have a dick on my head.

Kelly: Yeah, you don't.

Birdman: That's stupid.

Kelly: Not funny.

Birdman: Glad you agree with me, Kelly as always.

Blip: I don't feel so good.

Birdman: I won't believe that for a second!

Blip: No, it's like someone pissed in it!

Birdman: Oh yeah, just because I urinated on that cake I made for Space Ghost, that YOU are eating, doesn't mean you'll get sick.

Blip dies.

Birdman: Oh crap.

Peanut: Time for a 7th episode.

Cut to Kelly looking on.

End credits.


	11. XXX

Birdman Coast to Coast

XXX

Cut to the studio.

Birdman: Okay, so we have Jan, Jayce and eh, Lokar.

Lokar: Yes.

Peanut: I filmed the 7th episode after this show finished.

Birdman: Out of all of them, you chose Lokar?

Lokar: Suck on that!

Birdman: No thanks, I've tried it.

Lokar: Well, we've going to see a lot more of each other, Birdman.

Birdman: Eh.

Peanut: Say, where's Phil?

Cut to Phil with his pants down.

Phil: Here.

Peanut: Huh?

Phil: Ha, ha!

Birdman: What's up with your pants?

Phil: Two words: "Blue Falcone".

Birdman: Oh my God, you didn't!

Phil: We did.

Birdman: You didn't!

Phil: Yep.

Birdman: You...had SEX with him?

Phil: No, I'm heterosexual; we pulled each other's pants down and ran around the Sunset Strip Club left near the shopping mall.

Birdman: Oh, so you're not gay?

Phil: No!

Birdman: Wait, Sunset Strip Club! That's where my wife is working!

Phil: NO.

Birdman: Yes, I just realized, I might lose Gigi.

Phil: Well good enough, because we got a crazy doctor from the RADIO, Kelsey Grammer!

Birdman: Kelsey Grammer used to play a crazy doctor, he isn't one.

Phil: Oh well, just ask Gigi to be on the show.

Cut to Birdman on the phone.

Birdman: Thanks sweetie.

Birdman leaves.

Birdman: Project Greenlight is a go, we just have to get Ben Affleck & Matt Damon!

Pause.

Birdman: Let's ask about strip clubs with Pamela Anderson.

Phil: She isn't a stripper.

Birdman: Yes she is, also we got Carmen Electra. Stripper.

Phil: No she's not! She recently guest-starred on a new series: "American Dad".

Birdman: As a stripper.

Peanut: So we've got Carmen up first, then Pam because Gigi won't be able to come until 10:20, so Kelsey Grammer is lucky last.

Birdman: Episode 11 is a go!

Pause.

Birdman: FUCK YEAH!

Opening credits.

Phil: Tonight on Birdman Coast to Coast, ex-television star Carmen Electra then ex-television star Pamela Anderson then last but not least, ex-television star Kelsey Grammer!

Peanut: Actually his on a new show...

Phil: Shut up! Here's...

Cut to the set. Birdman flies in.

Birdman: BIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDMAN!

Lokar: That was quite long.

Birdman: I feel so depressed, and when I'm depressed I yell more.

Lokar: That's so sad, cry me a river!

Cut to an animated Justin Timberlake crying, causing a flood. Cut to the set.

Birdman: My wife has become a stripper!

Lokar: Are you sure it isn't because of you?

Birdman: Shut up!

Lokar: NO! YOU LISTEN! I'M THE MAIN DRUM GUY IN PEANUT'S BAND, SO YOU BETTER GIVE ME SOME RESPECT!

Birdman: Shut up.

Lokar: No, sir.

Birdman: That's mean.

Lokar: I know.

Birdman: Yes, you are smart.

Lokar: No, you're dumb.

Birdman: Thank you.

Peanut: What the Hell?

Birdman: It's Opposite Day, okay?

Peanut: No, Opposite Day is tomorrow.

Birdman: Damnit!

Lokar: Send in the first guest, Avenger.

Birdman: Don't listen to him Avenger! Send in the first guest.

Avenger: Cor, cor.

Avenger pushes down the lever which reveals Carmen.

Carmen: Hello Birdman.

Birdman starts to blush.

Birdman: Hello, Carmen.

Lokar: Carmen is a Mexican name, and your not Mexican! Explain, Ms. Electra.

Birdman: You played Elektra?

Jayce: No, that was Jennifer Garner.

Pause.

Birdman: That movie sucked anyway.

Lokar: Oh yeah.

Birdman: Revision my ass!

Lokar: You mean "revived".

Birdman: You know, shut up Lokar.

Carmen: How are you, Birdman?

Birdman: Fine. You?

Lokar: That lucky bitch.

Carmen: I'm good, yeah.

Birdman: Scary movies are scary.

Carmen laughs.

Birdman: That movie was stupid anyway.

Carmen: Yeah, I know. But they paid me enough money.

Birdman: She works hard for the money...

Carmen laughs.

Birdman: Give me lots of honey.

Carmen: Encore.

Birdman: Wait until the 3:00am rerun.

Carmen: I don't plan to stay up that long.

Birdman: Me neither, Carmen, I mean I have to go to bed at midnight because of how long parenting class is.

Carmen: Parenting?

Birdman: I'm a parent, Ms. Electra.

Carmen: E-Electra.

Birdman: You realize in your name the word "men" is in there and in my name "man" is in there.

Carmen: Oh yeah.

Birdman: Worship me and my things.

Peanut: You noticed your acting a bit out of character lately with this show.

Birdman: There's a camera! A camera changes your personality.

Peanut: Really?

Jan: Oh, yeah. I can relate.

Cut to Jan in the dressing room.

Jan: Makeup! Chop, chop!

A makeup artist comes.

Jan: Calvin Cline, not Louis Lane...stupid!

Cut to the set.

Jan: Oh, yeah. Back in the '60s.

Birdman: I was a star back in the '60s. My wife's sister was on that show.

Carmen: Sister?

Birdman: Twin sister, I might add.

Carmen: Twins?

Birdman: Same hair, basically same outfit. It figures.

Carmen: Clone, maybe?

Birdman: No, they speak differently and she was at my wedding.

Carmen: Who?

Birdman: Gigi! She attended my first wife's wedding back in '95.

Carmen: Really?

Birdman: Or something.

Carmen: Or something?

Birdman: I don't know anymore, my wife has turned to the stripper lifestyle.

Carmen: Oh my God.

Birdman: And I might be losing her.

Birdman starts crying.

Carmen: There, there Birdman.

Birdman: Thank you, Carmen.

Carmen: So, this show looks kinda flashy.

Birdman: Thank YOU for noticing. Nobody notices when they don't care.

Carmen: I care.

Birdman comes closer and closer to the screen.

Peanut: HARVEY!

Birdman goes back to place.

Birdman: What, I wasn't going to kiss her! No sire Bob!

Peanut: Then what was that about?

Birdman: Nothing.

Peanut: C'mon.

Birdman: My cheatin' heart!

Peanut: You almost cheated!

Birdman: I need Kelsey Grammer, now!

Peanut: Not until Gigi comes.

Birdman: Stupid Gigi, how long does it take to get to the Sun?

Peanut: Hours on end.

Birdman: Oh, crap.

Carmen: Birdman, my love.

Birdman: Huh?

Carmen: We can't see each other anymore; our attractions have to be kept from each other. We're so different, the places we live. And you're animated and I'm real.

Birdman: I suppose.

Birdman kisses the screen.

Birdman: Bye, bye my love.

Carmen: Bye, Harvey.

Peanut: Cheater!

Birdman: Shut up.

Peanut: I'm tellin' Gigi!

Carmen: See you next time.

Carmen disappears.

Birdman: You cannot tell Gigi, if you are dead!

Birdman blasts Peanut.

Birdman: Oh, crap. Avenger, help.

Avenger: Uh, cor.

Cut to commercial.

Cut to the Dr. Taco Hospital Centre.

Dr. Taco: Peanut will be just fine, he just got crisped up, and we've guessing the Sun's ultra-violet rays. Here are sunglasses, sunscreen and a product which just got on the market, completely aborted fetuses, and a new cream meaning no sunburn, no skin cancer nothing sun-related. And it was made by stem cells.

Peanut: Stem cell research.

Peanut puts all these things on.

Peanut: Let's go back to the studio!

Cut to the set.

Birdman: Time for our next guest, stripper Pamela Anderson!

Peanut: For the last time, she...is not...a STRIPPER!

Birdman: Okay, "Baywatch" star then...happy.

Peanut: No.

Birdman: Okay, I have turned into a "jerkass" lately, and I'll calm down by my fame.

Pam appears on the screen.

Pam: Hello.

Birdman: Pamela Anderson, Birdman.

Pam: Hello Birdman.

Birdman: Met David Hasseloff?

Pam: Yes, I have.

Birdman: His a hairy man, isn't he?

Pam: Yes.

Birdman: Uh, say Pam...that video.

Pam: What video?

Birdman: That video that you didn't want released but it was released anyway.

Pam: Oh please, don't.

Birdman: Okay, what shall we talk about?

Pam: I don't know.

Birdman: I thought you were a stripper.

Pam: ME!

Birdman: But, you're an ex-TV star, and let's just leave at that.

Pam: Okay.

Birdman: I fear my wife is leaving me, for the razz-ma-tazz life of being a stripper.

Pam: Is she?

Birdman: If you ask me, that would be embarrassing.

Pam: It would.

Birdman: Those eyes, staring at my every move.

Lokar: Is this comedy or crap?

Peanut: Shut up.

Lokar: Yes band leader, sir.

Peanut: That's a good drum guy.

Peanut throws a snack at him and Lokar catches it and gobbles it up.

Lokar: Thank you.

Birdman: This is a bunch of bull-stuffing.

Phil: Ha, ha. Made up word.

Pam: Uh...yeah.

Lokar: Let's highlight the word: "comedy". It's a bunch of craaaaaaap.

Birdman: Hey, Avenger tries his best.

Lokar: First Space Ghost, then you, then Cloud, then Master Shake.

Birdman: What about Brak?

Lokar: His show is a variety show, still crap.

Birdman: Listen Lokar, it's hard being a talk show host/ ex-superhero/ lawyer/ soon-to-be father / husband!

Lokar: Wait, why did you say "soon-to-be-father" before "husband".

Birdman: I don't know.

Pam: That's a lot of work.

Birdman: What are you, a person who PLAYS a lifeguard?

Pam: Well, used to.

Birdman: On that stupid show "Baywatch".

Pam: It's not stupid.

Peanut: Why do you reckon every show is stupid?

Lokar: Well, Earth shows aren't as sophisticated.

Peanut: I'm asking Birdman, Lokar.

Lokar: Well, well...well.

Peanut: Yeah, what about well?

Lokar: The word well astounds me.

Peanut: Why?

Lokar: Humans made it up, you see?

Peanut: Humans make up a lot of words, it's part of the human condition.

Lokar: That's why I hate you Birdman, you dirty ape!

Birdman: I'm not a ape, I've dressed up as a bird.

Lokar: But you originated from the apes.

Birdman: Really?

Lokar: Yes, I'm a locust.

Birdman: We know, Lokar.

Peanut: Kablamo!

Peanut grabs a bazooka and shots out a missile to Ghost Planet. Cut to the Ghost Planet Studios mess hall. Cut to Space Ghost, Zorak & Moltar.

Space Ghost: I've paid the Adult Swim to make another season of Space Ghost.

Zorak: We know!

Moltar: Yeah.

Space Ghost: I'm feeling so lucky.

Pause.

Moltar: What's that?

The missile heads off course and gets sucked by a black hole.

Moltar: Okay, it's gone.

Pause.

Space Ghost: It was funny when we showed the Birdman bloopers a few weeks ago.

Zorak: Who cares about any of this crap!

Pause.

Space Ghost: I do.

Zorak: SHADDUP!

Pause.

Space Ghost: That Sealab show is funny.

Zorak: Only sometimes.

Cut back to the studio.

Peanut: Damn, I was aiming for Ghost Planet Studios!

Lokar: Stupid Ghost Planet.

Peanut: Say, Birdman you haven't answered my question yet.

Birdman: Because, I haven't even watched TV for the past sixteen years.

Pam: That long?

Birdman: Oh yeah, Pamela, mind if I call you Pam?

Pam: Sure.

Birdman: Yeah, I was in rehab for awhile.

Cut to Jesse Jackson with a mini-rainbow in his hand, cut back to the set.

Birdman: Jesse!

Pam laughs.

Birdman: Okay, Kelsey Grammer is coming soon, Pam.

Pam: Really?

Birdman: You have to go.

Pause.

Peanut: No she doesn't.

Birdman: Eh, Gigi isn't here yet anyway.

Pam: So, can I stay?

Birdman: Oh yeah, sure.

Pause.

Birdman: C'mon Black Betty, Black Betty had a child.

Peanut: Who did?

Birdman: Black Betty.

Peanut: Whoa...Black Betty.

Birdman: Black Betty had a child.

Phil: Ha, ha. Black.

Pam: Dig that crazy song.

Birdman: That song is not crazy!

Pam: Uh...

Birdman: Huh?

Peanut: Black Betty.

Phil:(with opera style voice): BLLLLLLLACK BETTY!

The glass shatters.

Lokar: That is...so beautiful.

Lokar sheds a tear.

Pam: Good.

Pam claps.

Birdman: You reckon, that was terrible!

Peanut: Oh yeah.

Lokar: You try singing as beautifully as him.

Birdman:(with opera style voice): BIRRRRRRRRDMAN!

Lokar: Those were the words of Satan!

Lokar covers his ears.

Lokar: Uh.

The glass shatters.

Birdman: Carmine, clean!

Gigi enters.

Gigi: Harvey, what is it?

Birdman: Uh, just place your coat there.

Lokar: Your husband has a terrible singing voice.

Peanut:(with opera style voice): PEEEEEEEEEEEEEANUT!

Lokar: UH! Get out of my ears!

Lokar grabs ear-wax out.

Lokar: Uh, that was terrible! Uh, commercial!

Birdman: Only I say when it's right to have commercial.

Pam: Is it time?

Birdman: Oh yeah, it's time. Avenger...it's time.

Cut to commercial.

Cut back to the set.

Birdman: Welcome back, and Pamela Anderson Lee Rock is still here, uh Pam, it's time for Kelsey Grammer. It's his turn.

Pam: Really?

Birdman: Oh yeah.

Pam disappears from the screen.

Birdman: Gigi, you sit with me.

Gigi: It better not be an intervention.

Birdman: It's not an intervention.

Gigi sits down with Birdman.

Birdman: Time for Kelsey Grammer, Avenger.

Kelsey appears.

Kelsey: Hello.

Birdman: HAPPY INTERVENTION, GIGI!

Gigi: I thought you said it wasn't an intervention?

Birdman: Well, I changed my mind.

Kelsey: It's a pleasure to be on your show, Birdman.

Birdman: Pleasures are all mine.

Gigi: What is it about?

Birdman: Well, first I have to explain to Kelsey.

Gigi: You rather explain something to a celebrity then me?

Pause.

Birdman: Uh, yeah.

Gigi starts crying.

Birdman: I hate women, there just crying machines.

Peanut: That's babies.

Birdman: Babies that's right.

Kelsey: I sense something wrong with you two.

Birdman: Uh, gee, you reckon?

Kelsey: No need for the sarcasm.

Birdman: You reckon?

Kelsey: Now, now...just explain why you're so upset with your wife, Jo Jo.

Gigi: It's Gigi.

Kelsey: Yes, Gigi, GoGo, it doesn't matter.

Birdman: It doesn't?

Kelsey: Just explain your feelings towards Gigi, Birdman.

Birdman: Listen Gigi, I don't like what you are doing from 11:00 until 5:00 am in the morning.

Gigi: What?

Birdman: You know what I mean, "Cowgirl Gigi".

Gigi: How did you know?

Birdman: Me and the guys were celebrating our first episode when I saw you...in the Sunset Strip Club.

Gigi: How do you exactly know I was WORKING there?

Birdman: Oh, I saw you.

Gigi: Well, I have the upper hand...you were at a strip club ogling women.

Birdman: It was Phil's idea!

Gigi: Oh, if Phil told you to jump off a cliff...would you do it?

Birdman: Yes, Phil is my best friend next to Avenger.

Gigi: If I told you to jump off a cliff?

Birdman: No, you're my wife.

Gigi: UH! You see Kelsey, you see?

Kelsey: Yes, I do.

Gigi: Uh.

Kelsey: Just relax and think of what brought you together.

Birdman: I forgot, it was last year. I don't have the best memory.

Gigi: It was last year, jerkass.

Birdman: Oh, well sorry.

Phil: Baby, come to Phil.

Kelsey: So he, over there is well the male mistress.

Phil: I'm the second husband.

Kelsey: Oh...oh.

Birdman: Me and Phil are sharing her.

Kelsey: Oh, so this is what caused the troubles?

Birdman: No.

Kelsey: Then what did?

Birdman: Her becoming a stripper!

Kelsey: Okay, someone fill me on this.

Birdman: Me, Gigi & Phil going married on April 18th, 2004. Shortly after that, we had two separate honeymoons, Phil was first from April 19th to April 25th and then I was from April 26th to May 2nd. On November 2nd, 2004 I got a phone call saying...

Gigi: Did you even mention about me being pregnant? I mean, it's harder then it looks.

Kelsey: Looks can be deceiving.

Gigi: I know.

Kelsey: Continue, Birdman.

Birdman: Gigi was so excited, so excited she went on a "cheating spree". She kissed from Barney Rubble, Droopy, Wally Gator, Gartar and his golden Latus, Phil, and had sex with George Jetson.

Kelsey: Oh my.

Birdman: Oh my, alright.

Gigi: Well sorry, I was just so happy that you would get more then minium wage.

Phil: Ha, ha...I'm pissed off.

Gigi: I'm sorry, Phil.

Gigi slaps Birdman.

Gigi: Harvey, your nothing but my trophy husband.

Birdman: Trophy?

Cut to a trophy shaped like Birdman with a little body and a big head, the trophy reads: "Trophy Husband, won on April 18th 2004, won by Gigi Ken Sebben". Cut back to the studio.

Birdman: Gigi Ken Sebben, if you liked Phil so much, divorce me and marry him!

Gigi: I am married to him, and I can't divorced you, it hasn't been a year.

Birdman: Yes it has!

Kelsey: Actually it has past April 18th.

Phil: Ha, ha. Even I knew that.

Peanut: Yep, you can't count.

Kelsey: This marriage has issues, especially since it's a "three-way" marriage, who do you love most, Gigi?

Pause.

Gigi: Birdman, you idiot!

Kelsey: Birdman, it doesn't look like you love him.

Gigi: I love both of them, but...I love Phil the most.

Phil: YES!

Gigi: But I love Birdman, but our marriage is on the rocks.

Kelsey: Say that again.

Gigi kisses Birdman.

Birdman: Now, that's a woman kiss.

Gigi: But I love Birdman, but our marriage is on the rocks.

Kelsey: Uh, I heard you the first time.

Gigi: But you asked me to "say that again".

Birdman: He meant that he knows our marriage is on the rocks.

Kelsey: Thank you Birdman.

Birdman: Always a pleasure Kelsey.

Kelsey: Yes, I say you should separate for a few weeks.

Birdman: But we have to go to parenting class later tonight.

Kelsey: Okay, that would be accepted.

Birdman: Oh thanks.

Gigi: What can we do doctor?

Kelsey: Go to the nearest beach.

Cut to a beach. Birdman is surfing as Gigi is lying on the sand, getting her tan. Background characters include: "Space Ghost, Zorak, Moltar, Cloud, Brak, Sisto, Brak's Dad, Brak's Mom, Thundercleese, Wally Gator, Gloop and Gleep, Thundercleese's Mom and Dad, a melted Master Shake, melted Meatwad and Frylock caught on fire.

Birdman: Look at me, Gigi!

Gigi: I'm looking Harvey, I'm looking.

Birdman gets eaten by Jabberjaw.

Jabberjaw: This bird tastes like a man, na-na-na-na-na-na.

Gigi: You, Jabberjaw...cough him up!

Jabberjaw coughs.

Gigi: Not like that, like this.

Gigi grabs Wally Gator's surfboard and runs off.

Gigi: Have a taste of vitamin G!

Sylvia: Wait a go, sister!

Master Shake: Where did you come from?

Sylvia: Oh, I came 1 mili-second ago.

Meatwad: Oh.

Wally: Oh, that's my surfboard!

Wally goes out to sea.

Wally: I'm a water alligator, so this would be easy!

Wally grabs Gigi's leg, Gigi then stomps on Wally's knuckles, then Wally lets go and drifts off.

Wally: Help!

Gigi comes closer to Jabberjaw.

Jabberjaw: What are you going to do, kick me in the kidneys?

Gigi: Yes, that is exactly what I am going to do.

Gigi punches Jabberjaw in the kidney areas.

Jabberjaw: My kidneys!

Gigi: Hurts, don't it?

Jabberjaw: You call that a punch?

Jabberjaw grabs out a plastic muscular hand.

Jabberjaw: This is a punch!

Jabberjaw aims to punch Gigi, but Gigi jumps off and kicks Jabberjaw's teeth out.

Jabberjaw: I look like a hillbilly, I'll kill you.

Jabberjaw chews on Gigi and shallows her.

Jabberjaw: Mmmm, slut. Na-na-na-na-na-na.

Jabberjaw swims off. Cut to his stomach as Gigi and Birdman are bouncing around.

Birdman: You were going to save my life, until he ate you. I'm sorry I got mad at you.

Gigi: Well, I'm sorry for working as a stripper behind your back.

Birdman and Gigi kiss.

Birdman: How long do you reckon it will take Jabberjaw to vomit us out?

Gigi: Um, 46 hours.

Birdman: Crap.

Gigi laughs.

Birdman: Yeah, that's really funny.

Cut back to the set.

Peanut: How do you reckon Gigi and Birdman are going?

Kelsey: I don't know.

Lokar: Let's just randomly hold hands and sing: "California Dreamin'" by the Mammas and Papas.

Kelsey: Good idea.

Phil: Better yet, let's just air the sound clip of the song. Do it Avenger.

Avenger: Uh, cor.

End credits. The song California Dreamin' is on during the credits.


	12. Pills

Birdman Coast to Coast

Pills

Cut to the set.

Lokar: Have you got Ted Turner for the show?

Birdman: Uh, I got Yahoo Serious.

Lokar: That's because his a washed-up nobody actor from Australia.

Birdman: Uh, crap.

Peanut: Eh, you just get Ted Turner...we'll just air a dedication to the Pope.

Birdman: Thanks Peanut!

Birdman rushes off.

Peanut: Uh, this is crap.

Cut to Birdman on the phone.

Birdman: C'mon Ted, c'mon. C'mon! YES!

Peanut enters.

Peanut: Talked to Ted Turner?

Birdman: Oh yeah, his in.

Peanut: And Yahoo Serious?

Birdman: Oh, yeah...him. Oh, yeah...

Birdman takes a pill and shallows it.

Peanut: You didn't talk to him, didn't you?

Birdman: And the show starts in seconds!

Peanut: What would we do?

Birdman: Peanut, you distract them.

Peanut runs off.

Birdman: Oh, yeah...time to get naughty.

Birdman grabs out a drawer, and puts his head down and sniffs and comes back up.

Birdman: That's nice.

Birdman takes a pill.

Birdman: Pills, pills, pills.

Birdman takes a whole bunch of pills and swallows them.

Birdman: Uh, yeah.

Birdman drinks some water.

Birdman: Need some more pills!

Birdman takes a whole packet of pills and swallows them, and drinks more water.

Birdman: I'm "King of the Pill".

Birdman takes some plants out.

Birdman: I'm getting addicted to narcotics, marijuana plants and pills.

Pause.

Birdman: Oh well.

Birdman takes more pills, sniffs the plant and takes out narcotics and swallows them.

Birdman: Uh.

Birdman bangs his head on the table and drools.

Birdman: Pills, need more pills...need...more...pills!

Birdman grabs out of huge tub of pills and gobbles them all up. Cut to the studio.

Peanut: Is it time yet?

Phil: We can't start without Birdman.

Peanut: C'mon Harvey, c'mon.

Cut to Birdman lying on the floor, dead.

Carmine:(V.O): I want to kick your...

Carmine slides and sees Birdman; he stands shocked and then resumes sliding. Peanut rushes in.

Peanut: Birdman, it's already 10:01, wake up!

Pause.

Peanut: Wake up.

Peanut feels his pulse.

Peanut: Birdman is dead! That's horrible...in principal.

Peanut drags Birdman to the studio. Peanut drags him to the desk and sits down with him.

Peanut:(imitating Birdman): Time to start the show, guys.

Avenger: Cor.

Phil: Wait, why is Peanut sitting with you?

Peanut:(imitating Birdman): Uh, Peanut is my favourite sidekick, he gets to sit with me...(speaking normal) isn't he a pleasure, and you heard him...start the show, chop...chop!

Opening credits.

Phil: Tonight on Birdman Coast to Coast, head of Turner Broadcasting, his related to Jane Fonda & Peter Fonda in some way, Ted Turner...then someone no one has ever heard of...Yahoo Serious. That's it, yep, that's it.

Cut to the set.

Peanut: Welcome to Birdman Coast to Coast, I'm Peanut, I'm speaking for Birdman.

Phil: But before the show he has been speaking fine.

Peanut: Oh, he quickly developed laryngitis.

Phil: Really?

Pause.

Peanut: Yeah.

Pause.

Phil: Oh, okay.

Lokar: Really, he developed laryngitis that quickly, in around 30 seconds? Wow, it's like his dead.

Peanut: Shit!

Lokar: What, did he do something wrong?

Peanut: Oh, I mean "Shit! I love you guys".

Peanut shudders.

Lokar: Well, isn't someone coming out of the closet tonight.

Phil: Ha, ha. Gay.

Lokar: Why don't after the show we have gay sex in the closet.

Peanut: Oh...Hell no.

Lokar: Hell no, or Hell yeah?

Peanut: Yeah, I mean no, no, no!

Lokar: Taking the first answer.

Peanut: I'm not gay...yeah, yeah, yeah.

Lokar: But you said you "loved" us.

Peanut: No, no, no.

Birdman wakes up.

Birdman: Uh, those pills hit the spot.

Pause.

Birdman: What?

Peanut: Uh, my puppet became a real man!

Peanut rushes Birdman off to the closet.

Peanut: What were you doing, Harvey?

Birdman: I took too many pills, so I fainted.

Peanut: But there was no pulse?

Birdman: Oh, that's always doing that.

Birdman punches his chest.

Birdman: That's better.

Peanut: Oh, that explains everything...wait, why were you taking pills?

Birdman: Okay, last Wednesday, my suit was covered in vomit and I got sick, I took some pills and I liked them I took them to the extent I didn't need them and I took them so much tonight, I fainted.

Peanut: Be careful, you might die of a drug overdose.

Birdman: Fat chance, I've had drugs before.

Peanut: And you almost died.

Pause.

Birdman: So?

Peanut: We don't need that again.

Birdman: Really, I will survive.

Birdman grabs out a HUGE tub of pills and Birdman starts gobbling them up.

Peanut: Uh.

Birdman: Don't tell everyone else I have a drug problem.

Birdman continues gobbling. Outside, Lokar and Phil are waiting.

Lokar: Peanut is most probably making out with his puppet.

Peanut & Birdman open the door and see them, Lokar and Phil stare at Birdman as he gobbles up drugs, and he then faints.

Peanut: My puppet, so he had a drug problem, he did. He then died of it, he did!

Lokar: What happened to your puppet, and where's the real Birdman?

Phil: Ha, ha...yeah.

Peanut: The real Birdman? Oh, his just late.

Peanut starts dragging Birdman off.

Peanut: C'mon Birdman to the dumps.

Cut to the galactic dumpster. Peanut throws Birdman in there and flies off (with his jetpack). Cut back to the studio.

Peanut: I threw Birdman out.

Lokar: You threw the REAL Birdman, out?

Jan: Hard to believe.

Jace: His so heavy.

Peanut: I mean the puppet.

Lokar: Okay, Peanut...what are you hiding?

Peanut: Uh, nothing.

Cut to the dumpster.

Birdman: What am I doing here?

Petroleum Joe: Hi Harvey.

Birdman: Shut up.

Cut to the studio.

Lokar: Peeeeanut.

Peanut: Okay, uh...Birdman is, uh...DEAD!

Dramatic chord.

Peanut: He died, so I stitched a maniacal puppet, and that malfunctioned so I dumped it somewhere.

Lokar: If he died, how did he die?

Pause.

Peanut: Uh pro-stupido-birdguy-proysis.

Lokar: Never heard of it!

Peanut: Uh, it's a newly discovered disease, that uh...okay, I'll tell you the truth

Lokar: Who knows the truth at all these days?

Peanut: He was diagnosed with...cancer.

Lokar: That's horrible, in principal!

Peanut: I mean A.I.D.S!

Lokar: Even more horrible!

Pause.

Lokar: In principal.

Peanut: Okay, I tell you the REAL truth, he died of sudden shock when I came in.

Lokar: Really?

Peanut: Yes.

Lokar: This is the full truth?

Peanut: Yes.

Lokar: Your not going to change it?

Peanut: N-no.

Lokar: Okay.

Pause.

Lokar: Who's going to be the host then?

Peanut: Uh, you!

Lokar: Yes, that would work out wouldn't it?

Peanut: Oh yeah, Birdman was so jealous of you.

Lokar: Really?

Peanut: Really, really.

Lokar: Okay...time for Lokar Coast to Coast!

Opening credits roll again only "Birdman" is replaced with "Lokar" and the music is now classical music. Cut to Lokar in the desk.

Lokar: Welcome to Lokar Coast to Coast, I'm Lokar...your host.

Peanut: And I'm Peanut.

Lokar: Also, there's Phil...who's fired.

Phil: Crap.

Phil leaves.

Lokar: We will have our first guest, after this commercial.

Cut to commercial.

Cut back to the set.

Lokar: Welcome back, our first guest is Ted Turner...come in Ted.

Ted appears on the screen.

Ted: Hello, Birdman.

Lokar: It's Lokar.

Ted: Lokar, yeah.

Lokar: I love the networks you run.

Ted: Yeah.

Lokar: I like how you employed me on Space Ghost Coast to Coast.

Ted: I did?

Lokar: Yep.

Ted: That would have been Mike Lazzo.

Lokar: Mike, he would be on my show next year.

Peanut: Why not next week?

Lokar: No new episode next week, idiot! We won't be on until Halloween.

Peanut: Oh yeah: "Stephen King, Danzig & Angus Scrimm".

Lokar: More like "Angus Grim".

Lokar laughs.

Ted: Yeah, that's funny.

Lokar: Yes it is.

Ted: But, if they repeat this at anytime...well, people would be confused.

Lokar: Why?

Pause.

Lokar: Oh, because people will be like those people were already on it...well, nuts to them!

Ted: So uh...where's Birdman?

Lokar: His dead.

Ted: Oh he is?

Lokar: You didn't hear?

Ted: First Teri Schinvao, then the Pope and now Birdman.

Lokar: 2005 is the year of the dead. Hey, that's a good line for the Halloween episode.

Ted: Yeah.

Peanut: I find that offensive!

Ted: And?

Peanut: I'm going to get my lawyer, Johnny Cochrane.

Lokar: O.J. Simpson's lawyer?

Peanut: Yeah.

Lokar: His dead!

Peanut: Really.

Lokar: A big ass brain tumour!

Peanut: Poor guy.

Lokar: Yes, a lot of people are dying so young.

Peanut: Actually he was pretty old.

Lokar: You mean elderly?

Peanut: Uh...yeah.

Lokar: People would find it less offensive.

Ted: All we need is a fine from the FCC.

Lokar: Don't you mean the S and practises department. I forgot what the letter "S" is for.

Ted: Oh well.

Lokar: Oh well, indeed.

Peanut: Oh yeah.

Lokar: Boy howdy.

Jan: Yep.

Jace: Yep.

Jesse Jackson is at the drums.

Jesse: Uh...yeah.

Jesse Jackson bangs the drums.

Lokar: Rockin'

Cut to the dumpster.

Birdman: That petrol was delicious.

Birdman looks to escape.

Birdman: Must...escape!

Birdman jumps off, and jumps and jumps and jumps down to Earth.

Birdman: AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH!

Birdman passes a space-bus.

Birdman: Hi!

The space-bus flies off.

Birdman: BIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDMAN!

Birdman then floats up.

Birdman: Oh wait, I can fly.

Birdman flies, but then gets caught by a giant hand in the dumpster.

Birdman: Can't move...stomach stuck to giant hand.

The giant hand grabs Birdman and puts it in the dumpster; the top then smashes down and locks itself.

Birdman: Help...help...help.

Cut to the set.

Lokar: So, Ted.

Ted: Y-y-yes.

Lokar: Is it true you are related to Peter Fonda?

Ted: Y-y-yes.

Lokar: Oh, that's nice...I suppose.

Ted: You suppose?

Lokar: Related to Jane Fonda, Ted?

Ted: Uh, ya.

Peanut: I need some pills.

Lokar: Take my locust pills.

Peanut: Locust pills?

Lokar: Yeah, I'm really a human woman!

Peanut: Ew.

Peanut takes a pill.

Peanut: That's addictive.

Lokar: Why do you need some pills, all of a sudden?

Peanut: Eh, I'm depressed.

Lokar: And why?

Pause.

Peanut: Eh, I killed...Birdman?

Pause.

Lokar: You killed him!

Pause.

Peanut: Uh...yes.

Pause.

Lokar: You'll do that for old Lokar, I tell you...you're a great friend.

Peanut: Oh, thanks.

Lokar: I tell ya, you killed that pathetic Birdman and made me host, boy I love you.

Pause.

Peanut: You...love me?

Lokar: What? I'm a gay classy transgender and transpecies, what do you expect?

Lokar kisses Peanut. Cut to Birdman's ghost.

Birdman's Ghost: Whoa, that's a man kiss.

Carmine: Whoa, honey baby!

Cut to Bob.

Bob: Want to be on the all new animated "Queer Eye for the Straight Alien"?

Peanut: I'm not gay.

Bob: You kissed Lokar.

Pause.

Bob: Yep, queer.

Pause.

Bob: Queer as folk.

Avenger: Cor.

Peanut: Uh, I wonder how Phil is going.

Cut to Phil in the woods, hunting.

Phil: Ha, ha.

Phil shoots Yogi Bear.

Phil: Killing.

Phil shoots the Grizbee's bear from "Sealab 2021".

Phil: Ha, ha. Future bear.

Phil then shoots the party bear from "Harvey Birdman".

Phil: Ha, ha...funny.

Phil shuts his eyes and then opens them.

Phil: Hey, it's the Hair Bear Bunch!

Phil shoots them.

Phil: I'm going to have bear for dinner tonight. Ha, ha.

Cut back to the dumpster.

Giant Hand: I just, have the urge to kill someone, a bird perhaps I thought.

Birdman: Uh...there, there.

Birdman gobbles a whole jug full of pills.

Giant Hand: Like the pills?

Birdman: Oh, yeah.

Giant Hand: Can I have some?

Birdman: Oh, you're a giant hand. You can't take pills; I don't even understand how you can talk!

Birdman takes another jug with pills and gobbles them up.

Giant Hand: What does that mean?

Birdman: On.

Giant Hand: It's on!

Birdman: No, no.

Giant Hand: No?

Birdman: Yes, no.

Giant Hand: Go home then!

Birdman: How 'bout, no Giant Hand.

Giant Hand: You better go home, before I eat you!

Birdman: AGGGGGGGGGH!

Pause.

Birdman: Oh wait, I can fly.

Birdman flies off.

Giant Hand: Stupid bird guy.

The jug of pills hand on the Giant Hand as he "smiles". Cut back to the set.

Lokar: So Ted, your like Rupert Murdoch without the FOX.

Ted: Yes I am.

Lokar: What I don't understand is why YOU would be on MY show.

Ted: Because, it's easy. I own the Cartoon Network.

Lokar: Adult Swim.

Ted: Whatever.

Birdman crashes in.

Lokar: What the Hell?

Ted: Birdman?

Peanut stands up.

Peanut: BIRDMAN IS BACK FROM THE GRAVE!

Everyone stares at him.

Peanut: So, I'm a liar. So what?

Cut to commercial.

Cut to the mess hall. Lokar, Birdman (with Avenger on his right shoulder) & Peanut are sitting down.

Lokar: You LIED to us, Peanut! I can't believe you LIED to us, I can't believe I think I love you!

Cut to a live action Lokar & Peanut holding hands, running in a garden.

Singer: Ay...I think I love you, isn't that why love is made of?

Cut to Lokar & Peanut in a carnival.

Singer: Although it worries me to say, I never felt this way.

Cut back to the mess hall.

Peanut: It was all Birdman's idea!

Lokar: Really, Harvey?

Birdman: Nope, Peanut's.

Peanut: Harrrrvey.

Birdman: What?

Lokar: Explain, Peanut.

Peanut: Eh, I thought Birdman died, so I made him out as a puppet, turned out the old guy was alive, so we had a talk in the closet about it, seems he has an addiction to medication, marijuana plants and narcotics...it made sense to just put him in the dumpster and say it was a puppet and make Lokar the host, to make the poor bastard happy.

Lokar: And that bastard is now...pissed off! Explain why you said you killed him.

Peanut: Well, I was actually depressed I lied to you, so I just blurted out that I killed him, seemed to make you happy.

Lokar: You were?

Peanut: In principal.

Lokar: Oh.

Birdman: What about me? I have a problem.

Lokar: Indeed I do, so I just one mili-second ago signed you up to Drug Rehab over at the Gold Coast.

Birdman: In Australia?

Pause.

Birdman: Is it in Australia?

Lokar: No, no...it's here in the Sun. Get packing!

Birdman: Okay.

Cut to Lokar with luggage.

Lokar: Finished putting your CRAP in.

Birdman: Thanks.

Lokar whistles.

Lokar: Space taxi!

A hover taxi comes and picks up Birdman and hovers off.

Lokar: Rehab is a 5-minute resort, so he'll be back by the end of the show. Time for that idiotic "Yahoo Serious".

Cut to the set.

Lokar: How next guest is washed-up Australian comedy actor "Yahoo Serious" anyone has heard of him, but he fits perfectly well in the budget, Avenger!

Avenger: Cor.

Lokar: Send...him...in.

Yahoo Serious appears on the screen.

Yahoo: Hello.

Lokar: Yahoo Search Engine?

Yahoo: Ha...ha.

Lokar: You remind me of Phil Ken Sebben, except without the bizarre hair style.

Yahoo: Crazy isn't it?

Lokar: Mr. Accident?

Yahoo: You know my movie names.

Lokar: No, Birdman is a fan of your films, which I saw before this interview...and they were...CRAP!

Yahoo: Guess I better try next time, ha?

Yahoo laughs.

Lokar: What sort of name is "Yahoo Serious", anyway?

Yahoo: I don't know.

Yahoo laughs.

Lokar: What's your REAL name?

Yahoo: I forgot, I had the name "Yahoo Serious" since the '80s and now...I've forgotten.

Yahoo laughs.

Lokar: You know the REAL name, the name your Mommy gave you?

Yahoo: I forgot.

Yahoo laughs.

Lokar: Taken drugs, have we?

Yahoo: N-no.

Yahoo laughs.

Lokar: You Australians are always laughing, and being happy because there's hardly any bad luck for you guys...it sickens me!

Yahoo: That's good.

Cut to an outer view.

Yahoo: EVERYONE MOVE DOWN UNDER!

Cut to the normal view.

Lokar: I live in outer space, and hardly anything happens here.

After Lokar says the line, a missile hits a nearby planet.

Yahoo: Really?

Peanut: Really...really?

Lokar: I thought I sent you off to Liar Camp, Peanut?

Peanut: You didn't.

Pause.

Yahoo: Liar camp, that's awesome...I love this show.

Lokar: Prepare to leave!

Yahoo: Huh?

Lokar: Just kidding.

Mardurk enters with stacks of "Stimutacs" from "Sealab 2021".

Peanut: Hi Mardurk.

Mardurk: Hi, uh...Sparks sent off a delivery for "Harvey Birdman", real name "Ray Randall".

Yahoo: Where's "Birdman", anyway?

Lokar: His in drug rehab.

Yahoo and Mardurk laugh.

Mardurk: That's funny, seriously.

Yahoo: Uh, Yahoo Serious.

Mardurk: I'm currently logged into Yahoo, that's serious man.

Yahoo: Awesome.

Mardurk: Awesome.

Yahoo: Awesome.

Mardurk: Seriously.

Yahoo: Ten.

Pause.

Mardurk: Ten?

Lokar: This is why Space Ghost turned this guy down on that episode he spent the all budget on releasing himself, he decided to use the old "Susan Powter" interview tape.

Yahoo: Susan Powter?

Lokar: Yahoo Serious is speaking his Aussie mumbo-jumbo.

Yahoo: Mumbo or jumbo, or maybe both!

Lokar: UGHH!

Yahoo: Is crazy!

Lokar: Crazy like you!

Cut to a mental hospital.

Dr. Taco: I'm Dr. Taco, runner of my two famous hospitals "Dr. Taco Hospital Center", "Dr. Taco Hospital Centre" and something else...and also my famous restaurant the "Taco King", my new mental institution "Dr. Taco's Crazy Guy's Place" has been leased, rented, and sold to me, Dr. Taco. Do you have a crazy friend from a country you've never been to, or an odd space alien like him...

Zorak: SHUT UP!

Dr. Taco: Commit them here.

Zorak: SHADDUP!

Dr. Taco: We'll take care of them.

Doctor:( V.O): Don't be crazy!

Patient:(V.O): How?

Doctor:(V.O): Okay, you asked for it!

A gun shot is heard.

Dr. Taco: Dr. Taco Crazy Guy's Place, batteries not included, you build laser-gun-thingy yourself. Each sold separately.

Cut back to the set.

Yahoo: What was that?

Lokar: A commercial to show you, so you won't be crazy.

Birdman crashes in.

Birdman: BIRRRRRRRRRRRDMAN!

Lokar: Birdman? It hasn't been 5 minutes yet!

Birdman: I know, I was cured before then. I've got something to say, Lokar...you're out of here.

Lokar: As a host?

Birdman: And as a drums guy. Jesse...

Cut to Jesse Jackson on the drums.

Birdman: You're out; I found a new drums guy, his good with his hands.

The giant hand comes in and tries to squash him.

Birdman: Okay Lokar, back in.

Lokar: Yes.

Jesse Jackson: Bullcrap, and just because I'm black!

Birdman: Yep...I'm cured.

Yahoo: Hi.

Birdman: Uh, oh you're fired.

Cut to a puzzled Yahoo Serious.

End credits.


	13. Halloween

Birdman Coast to Coast

Halloween

Cut to the dressing room. Birdman, Phil, Peanut, Avenger & Lokar enter.

Birdman: Happy Halloween, everybody!

Phil: Ha, ha.

Peanut: Meeting the Phantasm himself, Angus Scrimm!

Lokar: Known worldwide horror writer Stephen King!

Phil: And meeting Glenn Danzig.

Pause.

Phil: Someone had to say it.

Pause.

Phil: Ha, ha!

Jan and Jace enter.

Jan: Knock, knock!

Everyone covers themselves up.

Jace: It's not anything we haven't seen, except I don't know about you.

Jace points to Lokar.

Jace: Or you.

Jace points to Avenger.

Jan: Listen, where's the "Female" dressing room?

Birdman: Oh...female, oh...uh, just use the male toilets.

Jan: Ew!

Birdman: Hey, it ain't that bad!

Jan & Jace run out.

Jan:(V.O): We're going to use the set!

Birdman: You do that.

Peanut: Say, le' wife is coming tonight...isn't she?

Birdman: Yes, Peanut.

Peanut: Le' make le' move.

Birdman: Stop speaking French!

Peanut: Going to have hair like Mrs. Frankenstein.

Birdman: Yes.

Peanut: Don't be surprised if I leave tonight with her lipstick all over my cheek.

Birdman: Yeah.

Peanut: Yep.

Birdman: Listen guys, we haven't been on the air for a...couple of months, this is the episode that makes or breaks a second season, be extra nice to the viewers, don't make a death threat like you do in that unaired episode.

Lokar: No, I won't.

Birdman: Adult Swim will most probably consider airing that episode, if they consider making that second season we want.

Peanut: Yeah, that episode was supposed to air on May 16th, until Adult Swim found out they made a 12 episode order, and there were two "extra" episodes, so it went up to 13, they won't up to airing 14 episodes...no, no, no.

Birdman and the gang go behind the curtains.

Birdman: Time to put on the Halloween costumes.

Phil: Ha, ha. Doodle.

Birdman: Shut up, Phil.

The gang come out. Birdman is in a Frankenstein costume, Phil in a Gomez costume (still with the eye patch on), Peanut in a Vampire costume, Lokar in a Zorak costume and Avenger dressed up as "The Crow".

Everyone: HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYBODY!

Lokar: Yeah.

Avenger: Cor.

Opening credits.

Phil: Tonight on this "spooktacular" episode of Birdman Coast to Coast, Stephen King, Glenn Danzig & Angus Scrimm, here's our "horrifying" host...

Cut to Birdman crashing in.

Birdman: BIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDMAN!

Peanut: And le' Count Dracula.

Phil: Peanut! You spoke French!

Phil rushes to kiss Peanut's arm.

Peanut: Blah.

Gigi enters with her hair up, and with white streaks...also in a black outfit.

Gigi: Hello, my hubby...Bir...I mean "Frankenstein".

Phil: Gi...gi.

Gigi: Bjorn' Phil.

Phil: Gigi...YOU spoke French.

Phil kisses her arm.

Birdman: As you see, it's Halloween. Here are our two band gals, Jan and Jace.

Jan enters with a Vampire teeth and a black dress. Jace enters with a witch outfit.

Birdman: Top of the late night, Jan and Jace.

Jace: Hello Birdman.

Jan: Me and Peanut are in matching outfits.

Peanut: I know, word.

Jan: Kiss me!

Jan kisses Peanut.

Judge Mightor: Order! Order! It's Halloween, not Valentine's Day!

Birdman: That's right...it's time for our first guest, Stephen King.

Stephen appears on the screen.

Stephen: Hello, Bird...

Stephen laughs.

Birdman: What's so funny about MY Halloween costume?

Stephen: It's just, weird. Are you a bird, a man, a chicken, or Frankenstein?

Birdman: Birdman-Frankenstein.

Stephen: A little bit out of column A, a little bit from column B.

Birdman: Speaking of quotes from "The Simpsons", you were on it way back in 2000.

Stephen: Indeed I was, uh...Birdman.

Stephen laughs.

Stephen: Chicken-man.

Stephen laughs.

Birdman: Damnit Steve, it's Halloween.

Stephen: You... (Laughs)...just... (Laughs)...look funny.

Birdman: Stop laughing, or face the wrath of Bird-Chicken-Man-Frank-stein

Stephen: Heh...ha?

Birdman: I mean...Bird-in-stein?

Stephen laughs.

Birdman: It's harder then it is.

Stephen: Really?

Birdman: Back on topic, I just want to say...you were great as Stephen King on "The Simpsons", Stephen King.

Stephen: I do a good impression, huh?

Stephen laughs.

Birdman: I was blown away by the dark, stormy clouds of fear hanging over your head as you talked with Marge.

Stephen: To clear up some questions, yes I'm going back to horror.

Stephen laughs.

Birdman: You laugh, a lot...don't you?

Stephen: It's a great thing you have going here over here...in...the...

Birdman: Yes.

Stephen: Sun. Say, is there life on the Sun?

Birdman: Yes, I've been there.

Stephen: You live there?

Birdman: No. On Earth. I have to tape it on the Sun, because it's ultra-violet heat rays keep me awake...at night.

Stephen: So once the Sun, goes...you go asleep?

Pause.

Birdman: No.

Stephen: But, what's the point of going all the way to the Sun, just to tape it here, when you're fine on Earth?

Birdman: Good question...Bob!

Cut to Bob as Herman Munster.

Bob: Yes.

Birdman: Why are we taping on the Sun?

Bob: Eh...I don't know. Say, what's that thing on your butt?

Birdman: I'm not falling for that.

Bob: I think it's a space wasp!

Birdman: Space wasps!

Birdman turns over to look at his butt as Bob fires a dart...in his ass.

Birdman: Birdman falling sleepy.

Bob: That's a nice Birdman.

Birdman falls asleep.

Bob: Good Birdman.

Birdman awakens.

Birdman: That was a nice 1-second sleep!

Bob drops his jaw.

Bob: Huh...did you...?

Birdman:(speaking very fast): Well...because the juice in my butt circulated around my bloodstream, meaning it turned my brain, it rejected it and any second it's going to spew out of my ears.

White juice spits out of his ears.

Birdman: There it goes. Say Stephen...

Stephen: Yes?

Birdman: I'm a fan of all your books..."The Firestarter", "Christine", "The Dead Zone" and..."The Shining".

Stephen: Don't I have a good fan?

Birdman: Yep.

Lighting strikes.

Birdman: Would you accept my idea for your next book?

Stephen: Sure, shoot.

Peanut shoots Lokar.

Lokar:(imitating Zorak): Eh...what is this bull crap?

Birdman: Not literally, idiot...okay, here's how it goes, the story starts off with this family...right?

Stephen: Yep.

Birdman: They move into a house, a halfway house!

Dramatic chord.

Stephen: Yeah.

Birdman: They find out, that the house is haunted.

Dramatic chord.

Stephen: Well, isn't that a cliché.

Dramatic chord.

Birdman: The neighbourhood is filled with crazy and naughty monsters that...eat plants...FOR BREAKFAST!

Dramatic chord.

Birdman: But what they find out is, is that the grandmother is a serial rapist who's bent on world domination and...UHHH...placing diapers on her victims!

Stephen: You got me on "rapist".

Birdman: She then finds a soft-side of herself, and suddenly goes to a time machine and everything is back to normal!

Pause.

Birdman: You don't like it, don't you?

Stephen: N-no.

Birdman: You darn dirty bastard!

Birdman zaps Stephen off.

Birdman: Peanut, where's those pills?

Peanut: Those "back-to-normal" pills?

Birdman: Yeah, yeah

Peanut: Here you go.

Peanut throws a jug of "back-to-normal" pills at him.

Birdman: Thanks...I've gotten a bit crazy lately with all the fame. Avenger...commercial.

Avenger: Cor.

Cut to commercial.

Cut to the mess hall.

Birdman: Uh, give me some chicken fillets and some roast fish.

Cut to Spyro in the mess hall.

Spyro: Roast fish?

Birdman: Yes. Fish.

Cut to one of the "Fish Cops" running off.

Spyro: Okay, we've getting roast fish for you.

Spyro gets a dish out with a green, scaly fish.

Fish: Spare me, and I'll grant you three wishes.

Birdman: Okay.

Spyro drops the fish.

Birdman: I want my show to get a second season.

Fish: The lawyer show or the talk show?

Birdman: Lawyer, what? The talk show.

Fish: Okay, because...the lawyer show has past its second season.

Spyro: Two wishes to go.

Birdman: Thanks for reminding me, dork.

Fish: A dork is the name of a whale's penis.

Pause.

Phil: Ha, ha. Penis.

Birdman: Okay, so...okay, how about a glamorous house on the Sun.

Fish: I'm a Genie-fish, not a miracle worker.

Birdman: Sorry. Okay...how about me actually winning some cases this year.

Fish: Eh, I wouldn't bet on that.

Birdman: What can I get?

Fish: A hotplate, it's great for spicy Sun soup.

Birdman: Okay, that then!

Fish: You made a good choice, you can also choose if you want some hookers?

Birdman: Nah.

Fish: C'mon hookers! Hookers ain't going to be free unless you kill yourself and go to Heaven!

Birdman: Can I have a baby son.

Fish: Eh...sure. Whatever. You can eat me now, I want some hookers.

Birdman eats the fish. Cut to the dressing room, Peanut is smudging lipstick all over his cheek.

Peanut: Just wait until Harvey sees this.

Birdman enters.

Birdman: The show has been back for 2 minutes now, time to...say, something is weird about you.

Peanut: I've been making sweet love with your wife?

Birdman: No, you're...BLEEDING!

Peanut: Am not. I've been making sweet love with your wife.

Birdman: Yeah, whatever. C'mon, let's go Peeeeeanut. Oh, it was that fish I aaaaaate.

Cut to the set. Birdman enters.

Birdman: Time to send in, eh...Glenn Danzig.

Lokar: Glenn Danzig? Him, whoa...he sucks.

Birdman: Just send him in, Avenger.

Avenger: Uh...cor.

Avenger pushes down a lever; Glenn then appears on the screen.

Birdman: Haaaeye. I mean...hi.

Glenn: Hello...uh, Birdman.

Birdman: So, hhhhhhhhhhow are you ggggggggggoing?

Glenn: What's up with you?

Birdman: It was that strange fish I ate.

Glenn: Strange fish?

Birdman: It was all scaly and had green vomit covered all over it.

Lokar: No, that's a Genie-Fish, one of the most helpful fishes in the galaxy.

Glenn: Genie-Fish?

Lokar: Oh, yeah.

Glenn: So, have you heard any of my work?

Birdman: I've watched Adult Swim for the past 12 years...

Lokar: 12?

Birdman: Including Space Ghost's show.

Lokar: Oh.

Birdman: Oh, okay so, one night I saw you on an episode of that weird show.

Lokar: What weird show?

Birdman: I don't know, it had fast-food in it.

Lokar: Aqua Teen Hunger Force?

Birdman: Nah, that's a weird title...

Lokar: For a weird show.

Birdman: Oh, yeah. That was it; you were in it, Glenn.

Glenn: Yes, I was.

Birdman: You played Glenn Danzig, Glenn Danzig.

Glenn laughs, and then looks at Birdman sternly.

Birdman: What?

Glenn: I'm your worst nightmare!

Birdman: What worst nightmare?

Glenn: I AM.

Glenn looks at Birdman even sternlier, Birdman then gets caught on fire.

Lokar: Boy, do it again Glenn. It was jolly good.

Lokar laughs.

Birdman: I'm alive still.

Lokar: Oh, yes. That's nice.

Lokar continues laughing.

Peanut: Time to dig for some gold in the control room.

Birdman: Not with that bleeding face of yours.

Peanut: IT'S LIPSTICK!

Birdman: Oh my God, Peanut's gay!

Dramatic chord.

Lokar: So what, I'm gay.

Dramatic chord.

Birdman: Who else is gay?

Peanut: I put on Gigi's lipstick, to make you jealous! Okay!

Birdman: How was it supposed to make me jealous, Peanut?

Peanut: Because it looked like we made sweet love?

Birdman: Peanut, Peanut, Peanut. You were like a son to me, now I disown you.

Zorbird enters in a clown costume.

Zorbird: Hi Dad.

Birdman: Yeah, hi.

Glenn: Why is he in a clown costume?

Zorbird: A clown raped my mother, Zorak when I was younger, so I dressed up like a clown because they are scary.

Lokar: Zorak is a woman?

Zorbird: Well, he says "half-women, half-man, and all-mantis".

Lokar: Oh.

Zorbird: He can't reproduce because of his lazy funk.

Glenn: Okay, I am confused, why would...funk?

Zorbird: It's sperm, except more green then white.

Birdman: Yes Glenn, not all of my guests know this, but in 1995, I sucked on Zorak's cock.

Glenn: Dude, that's sick!

Birdman: Sick like a fox.

Zorbird: I have two daddies.

Birdman: And one mommy.

Zorbird: One mommy?

Birdman: Well, more like a step-mom.

Glenn: Dude, what's his name?

Birdman: Zorbird, it's a weird name I know. I'll try better next time in the name department, but Zorak named him.

Zorbird: I'm 10.

Birdman: Turning 11 next June.

Peanut: Can I dig for gold, now?

Birdman: Can't you handle around 11 or so more minutes?

Pause.

Peanut: No.

Zorbird: Who's my step-mom?

Birdman: Gigi.

Zorbird: I know her, isn't she that slut?

Birdman: She is not a slut; she just likes to explore a lot.

Zorbird: I saw her with Mr. Ken Sebben.

Phil: Ha, ha. Hardly any lines.

Birdman: Well, about that...you have a few step-dads.

Zorbird: I'm confused.

Birdman: Me too, let's go to the Taco King.

Cut to the Taco King. They are stuffing themselves.

Birdman: Best Halloween ever!

Phil: Our first Halloween show, uh...we need a Christmas special.

Birdman: Next year.

Zorbird: Can I go trick-or-treating with my friends?

Birdman: Sure, son. With your little friends.

Zorbird walks off.

Peanut: I wanna hit Bedrock.

Avenger: Cor.

A sign lights up reading: "An AOL Slide Company".

Peanut: Uh, Ted Turner.

Avenger: Cor.

Peanut: Together Avenger, we can rule the world! YES!

Birdman: Let's go, Glenn must be feeling lonely by now.

Cut to the set.

Glenn: I can wait all day, or can I?

Cut to an outer view.

Glenn: Yep, I could wait all night.

Cut to commercial.

Cut to the Taco King.

Birdman: Well, we have to leave now.

Lokar: Oh, I was enjoying that.

Jan: Me too.

Jace: Tacos cause zits and moles and pulps and moles and dimples and pimples and more wrinkles.

Jan: So?

Jace: So I worship Paris Hilton, kill me why don't you?

Birdman: You're getting out of that religion Missy.

Jace: Yes Mr. Birdman, sir.

Jan & Jace laugh. Cut to the set.

Glenn: Hello?

Space Ghost walks in a Drizzle costume.

Space Ghost: Fellow citizen, come on my show and get turned on by our red hot services.

Glenn: Okay.

Space Ghost: Moltar cut the cord.

Moltar: Could I just push down the lever, meaning he'll disappear from Birdman's screen, and on to ours?

Space Ghost: Sounds complicated, let's just go.

Moltar pushes down the lever, meaning Glenn disappears. Space Ghost & Moltar leave. The gang come back in.

Birdman: Where's Glenn?

Peanut: According to Avenger, someone intruded and cut to commercial.

Birdman: Blaspheme.

Peanut: Blaspheme indeed; let's call the home security company.

Birdman: Oh well, let's just cut to Angus Scrimm.

Angus appears on the screen.

Birdman: Angus, welcoming you to my show.

Angus: Thank you Birdman.

Birdman: Welcome to my show.

Angus: Uh, you said that already.

Birdman: I know, I'm tired.

Bob: Tired?

Birdman: Oh yeah.

Bob: Peanut, get some SPF 1000000 + for Harvey, move, move, move!

Peanut: What do we do while we wait?

Bob: Let's just air one of the leftover "The 2-Second Segment with Myron Reducto".

Peanut: Splendid idea.

Bob: Phil, get some beer for Peanut. His acting smart!

Cut to Reducto in the Hover RV.

Reducto: Guess what time it is, TO WASTE TIME READING YOUR PATHETIC LETTERS! Our first letter goes to Quahog Guy from the Adult Swim message boards "your show is pretty mediocre, it's a bit hit n' miss, but the later episodes show improvement". You won't need improvement were you are going, "Quahog Guy". Anyway, our next person says "the show is alright, I hope there is a second season". Well, these are the only emails that I got!

Cut back to the set.

Bob: You all right, Birdman?

Birdman: Yep.

Angus: I'm pleased to be on your show.

Birdman: Now this guy seems familiar.

Peanut: He was in that '70s movie "Phantasm".

Birdman: Is that where the guy's skin gets ripped off.

Peanut: Uh, I think so... I haven't seen that movie since I was 9 years old.

Angus: Uh, yes.

Bob: This was that guy from those Aqua Teen Hunger Force Halloween Marathon commercials last year.

Birdman: So that's why it was so easy to get him?

Bob: Oh, yeah.

Birdman: That's nice, that's how we got Erik Estrada right?

Bob: Yeah, basically.

Birdman: Angus, have you done any projects lately?

Angus: No, not exactly recently.

Birdman: So you're washed-up?

Angus: E-yeah.

Angus laughs.

Birdman: I was washed up in the 60's but in either 2001 or was it 2003, I don't know, I became a lawyer!

Peanut: You don't know?

Phil: You said in your book that you became a lawyer in 2001?

Birdman: Yeah, now I'm thinking "2003", oh well, let's hope by some lucky chance I'm right.

Phil: Ha, ha.

Jan: Heh, heh.

Jace: I can't believe you don't know!

Angus: Uh, yeah and then you got this talk-show this year, right?

Birdman: Yep.

Angus: You're lucky; you're not washed-up like me!

Angus laughs.

Birdman: Very funny.

Angus: Yeah, basically I'm in retirement.

Birdman: Really?

Angus: Yes, Birdman...ugh, yeah.

Birdman: Well Angus, it's hard to believe...but I'm only 23.

Peanut: Are not!

Birdman: It's true.

Peanut: Oh really?

Birdman: Yep.

Peanut: Then what was that birthday we celebrated a few weeks ago?

Birdman: My 23rd.

Peanut: No, it was your 52nd.

Birdman: Huh?

Angus: Oh...really?

Birdman: Okay I forgot my age.

Peanut: We forgot to, so we just picked a number between 50 and 60 at random.

Phil: Ha, ha!

Angus: Oh, alright then...that settles it then.

Birdman: Hold on Angus, what's your age?

Angus: Ugh...

Angus laughs.

Peanut: Birdman, it's a private show...if he gives out his age, he could sue us for billions for privacy policy.

Birdman: Oh yeah, you lucky bastard.

Angus: Oh, yeah.

Cut to Kool Aid Man.

Kool Aid Man: OH YEAH!

Cut back to the set.

Peanut: What was that?

Birdman: Product placement...

Birdman grabs a can of "Tab" and starts drinking it.

Birdman: Ugh, old soft drink in a can.

Birdman gulps more out of the can and then crushes it with his fist.

Peanut: What was that!

Birdman: More product placement...

Birdman grabs a can of Coke Cola and starts drinking it, crushes it and grabs out Big Red bubblegum.

Zorak: That's a good bubblegum.

Peanut: What? You have to say that because you promote it.

Zorak: It's true.

Peanut: It's true alright!

Zorak: But I'm not Zorak...I'm Space Ghost!

Zorak pulls off his mask and costume and reveals it's Space Ghost.

Space Ghost: HAPPY HALLOWEEN, EVERYBODY IN THE UNIVERESE!

Angus: Who's this fella?

Birdman: Space Ghost, he lived in outer-space, got killed and now his "Space Ghost", his a rival-talk show host.

Lokar: Some people already took the "Zorak" costume design!

Birdman: Stay away from him!

Space Ghost: Ugh, the tanning on my bleaches.

Space Ghost turns around revealing he has a tan.

Birdman: That's sunburn, Space Ghost. You didn't rub the SPF 10000 like we did.

Space Ghost: I'll most probably get skin burn, that's just great.

Birdman: Still good tan though.

Space Ghost: Thanks.

Birdman: Yeah...

Phil: Thank you, noddy no how! Ha, ha! Random.

Peanut: Yeah, tanks.

Phil: Ha, ha! Thanks.

Birdman: Oh, it's time to go, see you Angus!

Angus: Bye.

Angus disappears.

Birdman: See you next week kids!

Pause.

Birdman: Is it cut, Avenger?

Avenger: Cor.

Birdman: Say two cors for no, one cor for yes.

Avenger: Cor, cor!

Birdman: Eh, it doesn't matter.

Space Ghost: How 'bout those Space Cadets?

Birdman: Please leave Spacey.

Space Ghost: Oh sure, I'll leave.

Space Ghost flies off.

Birdman: I could've sworn it was time to end!

Avenger: Eh.

Two executives enter.

Network Head: I'm Network Head, his Network Head #1.

Network Head #1: Hi.

Network Head: And upon viewing all your shows, every show breaching the code of the Standards and Practises department, oral sex, rape, references to some crap we forgot, coarse language, adult themes, and racy situations.

Birdman: I don't think we ever had racy situations.

Network Head: Eh, the rape bit. Death threats, some boring crap, nudity...there's only one thing I can say Mr. Birdman!

Birdman: What?

Network Head: You really want to know?

Birdman: Yes, yes!

Network Head: Despite being mediocre at best at times, you're renewed for a second season scheduled to begin next Fall

Birdman: That's a bit soon isn't it?

Network Head: Fall 2006.

Birdman: That's enough time for me to pursue my lawyer job, and it gives me enough time to tape the show when I want, and not live.

Network Head: Well, bye Mr. Birdman. See you next year.

Birdman: Wait, you didn't tell me the order!

Network Head: Eh, 12 more episodes, we're going to air that episode that never aired this season because it went over the order amount, so 13.

They now both leave.

Birdman: See you next year, kids!

Lokar: Right.

End credits.


	14. Unaired

Birdman Coast to Coast

Unaired

Cut to Lokar sitting on a comfy chair.

Lokar: Greetings fellow Earthlings, Lokar here of Birdman Coast to Coast. The Birdman crew made a lost 14th episode for the first season, it was finally recovered and is going to be aired in a few seconds, in a matter of you pathetic Earthlings get your weekly Birdman fix on the Adult Swim. This episode involved me reading out my Hate List, and it offended a quite number of people, which was why is was banned, but, who cares? I'm rambling on, here's your itty, bitty stupid Birdman Coast to Coast, and I can't believe it got a second season over mediocre scripts. Eh, who knows any more?

Opening credits.

Phil: Tonight on Birdman Coast to Coast, three stars of cancelled NBC show "American Dreams", there's idiot Will Estes, Vanessa Lengies and Brittany Snow. Ha, ha! Will Estes is gay!

Cut to the set. Birdman crashes in.

Birdman: I'm BIRRRRRRRRRRRDMAN!

Birdman looks at his feet and starts "ice-skating" to "fairy" music.

Phil: What is he doing?

Peanut: I don't care, it's funny!

Birdman: I'm Birdman, Birdman am I! That's right I'm Birdman, Birdman am I.

Lokar: What the Hell?

Jan: Jesus, his a pretty good ice-skater.

Jace: Even though his not skating on ice.

Cut to Reducto on a "hover-van".

Reducto: His dancing like an idiot!

Cut back to the set.

Birdman: Birdgirl, Birdgirl, give me an answer do! Am I crazy, or is your eye-sight hazy.

Peanut: Your eye-sight is hazy!

Birdman: My eye-sight is hazy, or is it that I'm mazy.

Peanut: Why is he mazy?

Birdman: GIVE ME AN ANSWER DO!

Peanut: What answer?

Birdman: Give me an answer, Peanut.

Peanut: What answer?

Birdman: Who's on tonight's show?

Peanut: Will Estes, Vanessa Lengies and Brittany Show.

Birdman: Oh, I get it.

Pause.

Birdman: Actually...I don't.

Peanut: It means you got some guys from a NBC drama series.

Birdman: NBC?

Pause.

Birdman: Wasn't that the channel that cancelled my show?

Peanut: I think so.

Birdman: Eh, ooh...well.

Pause.

Birdman: Who wants to go to Pizza Rent after the show?

Peanut: That play stinks.

Birdman: I know it stinks, I always thought it stunk.

Pause.

Phil: Ha, ha!

Birdman: Just laugh it up Phil, because now I want my first guest!

Phil: We've got Brittany Snow on the line.

Birdman: Send her in.

Brittany Snow appears.

Birdman: You like the new Broadway play "Pizza Rent".

Brittany: Umm...no.

Birdman: See, Brittany agrees with me...Pizza Rent sucks.

Peanut: Oh well...(grabs out a laser-rifle) I'm going to 'Nam.

Birdman: Tell your Grandma I said hi.

Lokar: He meant Vietnam.

Pause.

Jan: Okay, see you Peanut.

Jace: Bye-bye.

Lokar: Tar, tar...lover.

Birdman: You go to Vietnam, because bombs will be going off, and when you cry when Kim Jong IL kills you, don't come crawling to me.

Pause.

Phil: Umm...Kim Jong IL is in North Korea.

Birdman: But it's apart of Asia right?

Brittany:(laughing): I was in the movie "The Pacifier".

Birdman: That's nice, so Phil...tell me, is Vietnam part of Asia?

Brittany: I was also in the NBC show "American Dreams", which was going to be called "Our Generation".

Peanut: I'm leaving.

Peanut walks off.

Birdman: My star bandleader isn't going to Asia...they walk in there houses barefoot.

Lokar: No they don't.

Birdman: So they do!

Lokar: No, they don't!

Birdman: Get pricked by used needles.

Lokar: No, they don't! That's Japan.

Birdman: Well...Asia is overpopulated then...isn't that right Brittany?

Brittany: Um...yeah.

Birdman: Yeah, she agrees with me.

Lokar: Meg Pryor doesn't no anything!

Brittany: It's Brittany Snow.

Pause.

Birdman: Yeah, Lokar.

Pause.

Birdman: Obviously.

Jan: We want lines!

Phil: Yeah.

Jace: Shut up eye-patch boy!

Birdman: You get lines until I tell you to get lines!

Cut to Vietnam. Peanut is hanging around with army buddies.

Army Guy #1: I've got a sister and two kids at home, both with a horrific disease known as "Up Syndrome".

Army Guy #2: I'm married to my mother...

Army Guy #3: I have 1,000 wives, seven girlfriends and 200 kids and one puppy.

Army Guy #2: What about you Peanut?

Peanut: There's a girl in my workplace I work with.

Army Guy #1: Yeah.

Peanut: Named Jan, she wants me...she's alright.

Army Guy #3: Go for her, man.

Army Guy #2: You gotta say that 'cause you're a man-whore.

Army Guy #3: At least, I ain't married to my mother.

Army Guy #3 gets shot.

Peanut: Oh (HONK)!

A General shuffles in.

General: How am I going to tell 10,000 people and one puppy that Jerry's gone?

The General gets shot.

Peanut: Oh (CLOWN HORN)!

Army Guy #1: It's just me, Johnny and you Peanut.

Johnny: I hope my Mom doesn't miss me when I'm gone.

Peanut: Don't talk like that Johnny, tell me not to talk like that, Greg.

Greg: Peanut...his dead.

Greg gets shot by a machine gun.

Peanut: Oh, double (CHICKEN SOUND)!

Cut back to the studio. Phil, Jan, Jace, Lokar and Avenger are holding picket signs saying "We Want Lines, Ha, Ha", "No Lines, No Service", "School of Socks",  
"We Want Lines, Lover", "Caw Caw Caw".

Birdman: Pfft, on strike. I can hire some interns.

Intern #1: Please, Mr. Birdman, sir I'm ever so nerdy!

Birdman: You peed in my coffee! I barely survived!

Phil, Jan, Jace, Lokar & Avenger: Hey everyone, Birdman's got to go.

Birdman: How about you, Snow? Up for the challenge?

Brittany: I reckon it'll be a nice gig.

Birdman: Okay, you're my director.

Lokar: I hate Ted Turner!

Birdman: Don't we all, now Brittany, a director is a man's job. Do you have enough carpet and melons to make up for the absence of a banana and two coconuts?

Brittany:(laughing): What?

Lokar: I pray Ted Turner's soul turns black and he melts into Hell where he'll be enslaved for all of eternity.

Birdman: That's not very nice, Lokar. Ted Turner can cancel us.

Lokar: No he can't! Because his dumb! Dumb like Satan, I plan to tie him to a flag pole...(while Birdman's talking) and throw needles at him, making him get Band-Aids, a new disease I just made up so he can die slow and painfully...

Birdman:(while Lokar is talking): So, Ms. Snow...congratulations, you're got the job.

Brittany:(while Lokar is talking): Thanks.

Lokar: And then suddenly die of the bird flu and vomit out his vital organs and pull out his body parts and show it to him and roll around in his blood ala Mortal Kombat which is spelt with a "K", it should be with a "C", because Ted Turner puts in $2.70 on budget for this show, and I hope Jane Fonda slaps him a couple of times and steal his money, so he can become a hobo and be on the streets and try and con people out of his money by throwing a baseball about he has no hand-eye coordination because he spent his time trying to invest in bras and learning how to be raped by 2 bears. The 2 bears then wanted to kill him and then he ran away so they eat the Six Million Dollar Man because he runs slower then Ted Turner, but he runs like a girl because he is a girl and has admitted his gay because he owns CNN and decides what's what because he reckons his all that. I hope someone pulls his brains out and shove it up his testicles so maybe he would know how to have sex with a tree, because the only people in his league are trees!

Pause.

Birdman: So, who wants to go to see Pizza Rent?

Cut to commercial. Cut to Vietnam. Peanut is shuffling in the grass.

Peanut: It's now everyman for himself!

Peanut blows off a robot's head.

Peanut: NO ROBOTS!

Army Guy #4: SORRY!

Cut to the studio as Birdman is talking to Brittany Snow.

Birdman: So Ms. Snow...

Cut to Jan, Jace, Phil, Avenger, Reducto and Lokar in the control room.

Birdman:(on monitor): I've heard you were in a movie called "The Pacifier".

Avenger: Cor...

Phil: Yeah, watch this...

Cut to the set, as Brittany Snow has Birdman's head and vice versa.

Birdman:(with Snow's head): Tell me about it.

Brittany:(with Birdman's head): I was in "The Pacifier" with big action star Vin

Diesel, he was such a nice guy.

Birdman: Wait, something's fishy going on...

Birdman flies off to the control room and sees that Brittany Snow has his head.

Birdman: What's going on?

Phil: We spliced your head onto Brittany's...

Reducto: And vice versa.

Birdman: What?

Birdman blasts the screen as there heads turn back to normal.

Birdman: Now you all go to Pizza Rent, or I'll explode.

Everyone leaves except Reducto.

Birdman: Why aren't you leaving, Myron?

Reducto: I've seen Pizza Rent, it was bad...

Birdman: Okay, I suppose you can help me out, I suppose.

Birdman flies off to the set.

Birdman: Reducto, you'll be my director. Send in Will Estes.

Reducto: It's pronounced "Estez".

Birdman: No, it's "Estes".

Reducto: It's pronounced "Estez".

Birdman: Whatever...

Reducto pulls the lever as clips from old episodes appear, including Birdman as the hulk from "Breakdown", a young Dr. Weird from "Sad Times", Zorbird being born from "Second Pilot", and Zorak is on the monitor and suddenly zaps into the set as the clips stop at Will.

Zorak: What's going on?

Birdman: Good, funnyman Zorak Jones is here.

Zorak: I'm funny-mantis.

Birdman: I thought you were a locust.

Zorak: So did I, apparently I'm a mantis.

Birdman: No kidding.

Zorak: Nope.

Birdman: Let's all go to the mountains.

Will: Okay, welcome me to the show Birdman.

Birdman: Welcome to the show, Will Estez...happy now Reducto?

Reducto: I'm never happy.

Will: Alright, thanks for being here, Bird master.

Birdman: It's Birdman.

Will: Bird Mormon.

Birdman: I'm from Earth!

Will: Birdguy.

Birdman: Getting warmer...

Will: Birdman?

Birdman: Correct, you win...nothing!

Will: Wow, thanks.

Zorak: I'm the lone mantis of the apocalypse, fear me when you see the night sky...

Zorak grabs out his pincer and shoots Birdman to the circus.

Birdman: Where am I?

Cut back to the set as Birdman flies back in.

Birdman: How's your carbon dioxide, Will...

A buzz sound is heard.

Birdman: Photosyntheses?

A buzz sound is heard again.

Birdman: Did I say carbon dioxide?

A buzz sound is heard yet again.

Birdman: Oxygen?

A "ding, ding, ding" sound is heard as a cheque falls down to Birdman's lap.

Zorak: I am the lone mantis of the apocalypse, fear when you see a blue moon.

A buzz sound is heard.

Birdman: I thought it was "when you see the night sky"?

A buzz sound is heard.

Birdman: What the f(BUZZ)?

Zorak: Yeah, when you see the night sky.

A "ding, ding" sound is heard again as Zorak grabs out his pincer and shoots Will Estes out of the monitor.

Birdman: What happened?

Cut to Will in the hall of Mirrors.

Will: Guys, where am I? Guys?

Cut to the others seeing "Pizza Rent".

Pizza Man: Mr. Willoughby, I want my money...

Others on Stage: We don't remember ordering this pizza with sausage!

Pizza Man: That's...that's...

Pizza Man faints as everyone laughs.

Phil: Ha, ha. Defecation.

Lokar: Pooping on a pizza? How hilarious? It sucks.

Cut to the set.

Reducto: I've got a shrink gun.

Will is in the hall of mirrors on the monitors as he mimes.

Birdman: Will, do you know how to get out?

Will: Um, where am I?

Reducto: I can shrink you.

Birdman: Quit pitching that idea.

Reducto: Back in my day, if someone in my village branded a shrink gun, he'll get a little respect.

Zorak: Shaddup!

Birdman: Shut up Zorak, it's your fault...

Zorak: I AM THE LONE MAN...

Birdman: ...tis of the Apocalypse fear when you see the night sky, heard you the first time.

Reducto: Thanks to you Zorak, we're in this mess.

Birdman: Listen you guys...

Will: Can I please have a latte?

Birdman: We need to get info out of Brittany Snow and Vanessa Lengies.

Zorak: Why?

Reducto: Don't you see, it's a conspiracy to rid of all the American Dreams stars, because the '60s pop culture was too much to handle.

Birdman: What?

Reducto: Oh yes, I can see a Sorcerer mastering armies of underground henchmen zombies ready to rid the world of American Dreams stars, because they're 60s' historians and the 60's pop culture was way too much to handle.

Birdman: You're kidding me?

Will: Where's that intern with my latte?

Intern: Sorry Mr. Estes.

Birdman, Zorak, Reducto: ESTEZ!

Intern: Sorry.

Birdman: Get some info from Snow and Lengies, and don't get involved with them, romantically...clear?

The rap song from "Deadomutt Pt 2" of Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law starts playing as the screen says: "One year later" as Zorak has black suit on, white shirt and blue tie as a priest reads from a bible.

Priest: Zorak Jones, do you take Brittany Snow to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Zorak: I do.

The screen now says: "5 Years later" as green babies are crying as Reducto stares at them, and Vanessa watches from a monitor.

Reducto: The babies are 3 months old, time for their first shrink gun?

Vanessa: Okay.

Reducto hands one of them a shrink gun as they shrink Vanessa.

Reducto: NO SHRINKING YOUR MOTHER!

Screen says: "300 years later" as the song stops. Birdman is writing on a Chinese keyboard, with a long grey beard as Will sits in the Hall of Mirrors, bored.

Birdman: I'm trying my best, Will.

Will: Your best, isn't your best enough.

Birdman: Shut up, you c...

Zorak:(older): Confetti hotplate.

Reducto:(older): Yes, confetti hotplate.

Birdman: I'm writing in Chinese Morse code to release you Will.

Will: Can I talk about my new show?

Birdman: Oh man, what am I doing wrong?

The garage door to the set begins opening and stops half-way through.

Birdman: Who's there?

Pause.

Birdman: I said who's there?

The door goes down and begins opening up again and stops half-way.

Person: How do I do this thing?

Birdman: Press red, blue, red, blue, blue and red.

Person: Thank you.

The door goes down and opens up all the way and reveals Warren (the hedge-bush from SGC2C) as he wobbles in.

Warren: Gettin' Will Estes trapped in the Hall of Mirrors.

Zorak: Warren.

Dramatic chord.

Gay Person:(V.O): WHAT IS GOING ON?

James Bond-type music comes on.

Singer: Yes, the bush with the hand of an eel, who wants you to feel, the way of the world, the way of the world. You better die another day, die another day...because, the world is not enough for Goldfinger.

Warren wobbles up to the desk as the music stops.

Warren: I'm host of "The Warren Show", eighth season baby.

Birdman: That's nice...

Warren: I know someone who can help you setting Will free.

Birdman: But why Warren?

Warren: I dunno, after 307 years, I fought you may need some help.

Birdman: Okay, thanks.

Warren: After so long, I've decided to lead you to my cave to conjure up Gary Owens, the Space Ghost replicator.

Birdman: The replicator?

Warren: Yes...replicator. I'll take guard of your set while you go on the Bush Planet.

Birdman: C'mon you two, time to conjure up a joker.

Pause.

Birdman: Anyone got a car?

Zorak: I've got a car...no wait, yeah...I do.

Cut to Birdman, Zorak and Reducto driving in the Phantom Cruiser.

Birdman: Gary's going to help us, Gary's going to help us...

Zorak stops that the Bush Planet as they all walk through the cave.

Birdman:(V.O): Let's sing a camp song.

Cut to Warren in the set with Zorak's pincer.

Warren: Tell me where is the lost American Dreams epilogue.

Will: What are you talking about?

Warren: My plans of becoming the number one American Dreams fan and taking over yet another show will soon come to place!

Cut inside the cave as Birdman, Reducto and Zorak look around.

Birdman: Where's Gary?

Zorak: His in a cauldron from across the hall.

Birdman: Let's conjure up this replicator.

Cut to Zorak, Birdman and Reducto standing around the cauldron.

Zorak, Birdman, Reducto: Hum, Gary...hum, hum Gary, hum...hum Gary, hum!

Zorak: We gotta hold hands to make this thing work.

Birdman: Kidding.

Birdman and the rest start holding hands.

Zorak, Birdman and Reducto: Hum, Gary...hum Gary, hum...hum Gary hum.

Gary appears in the form of Space Ghost like in "Warren" the SGC2C episode.

Birdman: It's working!

Gary: Hello, I'm Gary Owens.

Birdman: The replicator.

Gary: That's right, why have you come for me?

Birdman: To get the dirt on you, when you're ready to wrap, really ready to get real, call me.

Zorak: Where's my pincer?

Gary: I do not know what you are talking about.

Birdman: Will Estez ring a bell.

Gary: Actually, it's "Estes".

Birdman: Warren sent me over to you.

Gary: Will is stuck in the hall of mirrors.

Birdman: Because of Zorak's pincer.

Zorak: Where's my pincer!

Birdman: I wish you didn't have your pincer when you shot Will Estes to the circus.

Gary: To free Will Estes, give me your soul.

Birdman: Space Ghost, is this you?

Gary: I'm not who you think I am.

Birdman: You're Space Ghost impersonating Gary.

Gary: I'm really of a man of steel.

Birdman: Space Ghost.

Gary: I am...

Long pause.

Space Ghost: SPACE GHOST!

Dramatic chord.

Zorak: Where's my pincer?

Space Ghost: You must hurry up and free Will Estes, his stuck in the Hall of Mirrors.

Reducto: We know.

Space Ghost: I do not now, except the Sorcerer is after Will Estes, because only he apocalyptic key to the world to cause abrupt chaos and destructon, that's all I know, you must put the puzzles together, but I heard that the Frog King of the Mystic Frog Planet knows.

Birdman: Let's go everyone.

Cut to Zorak, Reducto and Birdman in the Phantom Cruiser.

Birdman: This is going to take awhile.

Zorak: You think?

Reducto: Where's my shrink gun?

Birdman lands the ship on the Mystic Frog Planet. Cut to the gang at a rap concert as frogs are dancing to the beat.

Zorak: Oh man, is this weak, or is this weak?

Pause.

Zorak: Is it?

Pause.

Birdman: It's weak.

Cut to commercial. Cut to the set.

Warren: Will, where is the key?

Sorcerer: Master, Vanessa Lengies won't budge either.

Warren: That's because you're not trying hard enough!

Will: Where's my latte?

Warren: The lost epilogue and the key are in your possession Will, tell me where it is?

Sorcerer: I can't do this...

Warren: To Hell, you can't!

Warren shoots the Sorcerer with Zorak's pincer.

Warren: You get information from Snow, or I'll give you something to not do about!

Cut to the older Phil, Jan, Jace and Lokar wearing "Pizza Rent" jackets, sitting in a round room.

Phil:(drinking a latte): This sucks.

Jan: I think we should go back, we've been on tour with Pizza Rent for 307 years, and I think Birdman Coast to Coast should be cancelled by now.

Lokar explodes.

Phil: Damn.

Phil takes another sip of the latte. Cut to a old Peanut in the hospital room.

Nurse: Peanut, the long 307-year Vietnam war is over, you can go home now.

Peanut: Yep, and I think Birdman Coast to Coast should be cancelled by now.

Cut to a split screen with Jan and Peanut on the two sides.

Jan & Peanut: But we'll check just in case.

The screen is put back to one as Birdman, Zorak and Reducto are inside a castle populated by frogs as a Frog King approaches them.

Frog King: Master Birdman, Master Zorak and Master Reducto...I've been expecting you.

Birdman: Yeah, how do I free Will Estez before the Sorcerer gets the key?

Frog King: Yes, Space Ghost meant to tell you that Warren and Sorcerer were partners and crime. The way of setting Will free is to shoot him again with the pincer.

Birdman: So, Warren and Sorcerer...might have the key as we speak?

Frog King: Yes.

Pause.

Birdman: STUPID (CHAINSAW SOUND)ING SPACE GHOST, THAT (CAR CRASH SOUND)WIT! I HOPE HE ROTS IN (EXPLOSION SOUND)ING HELL!

Cut to Birdman, Zorak and Reducto in the Phantom Cruiser.

Birdman: Stupid Space Ghost...

Zorak: That moron.

Reducto: Where's my shrink gun?

Birdman parks the Phantom Cruiser in the studio as Birdman, Zorak and Reducto walk in the studio halls.

Birdman: I'll give Warren and that stupid Sorcerer what for.

Birdman presses "red blue, red blue, blue red" as the garage door opens as Birdman, Zorak and Reducto walk in and see Warren, Sorcerer, Peanut, Jan, Jace, Phil and Lokar's corpse.

Birdman: Um, what is going on?

Jan: The show has been on for 307 years!

Birdman: Yeah...I suppose it has.

Pause.

Warren: Hello Birdman, I'll let you witness me taking over your show for world domination and having the apocalyptic key to the world to cause abrupt chaos!

Will: What? Oh...that key? Oh yeah, I gave it to Gail O'Grady before the show.

Warren: What! Where is she, send me Gail O'Grady...

Lokar:(V.O): HEY WARREN! DOMINATE THIS!

Lokar walks in and kicks the other Lokar's corpse aside.

Phil: Lokar...you're alive?

Lokar: And kicking baby!

Warren: What?

Lokar grabs out a sheet of paper.

Lokar: Please listen to my ten top most hated list...

Birdman: While Lokar reads his thing, you Zorak must go off and grab the pincer off Warren and shoot Will out of the hall of mirrors, got that?

Lokar: Number ten, my high school prom date, number nine, David Letterman for thinking this up before me, number eight...

Zorak sneaks over and grabs the pincer as Warren "stares" at Lokar.

Lokar: My dad for making fun of me for being gay, number seven, Avenger for doing me harm...

Avenger: Caw.

Lokar: Number six, the dry cleaners because now I have to fit in a size 12, number five, Simon and Garfunkel for rejecting my song, number four my Mom for also making fun of me for being gay, number three my ex-girlfriend for cheating on me and making fun of me for being outed at the dance, number two, Ted Turner...and (drum roll) number one...Birdman.

Zorak shoots Will out of the hall of mirrors and is back on his normal seat, the screen flashes and changes the transmission to Vanessa.

Warren: WHAT! OH NOW!

Zorak: Say goodbye Sorcerer and Warren.

Zorak shoots them both with the pincer.

Zorak: See you in Hell.

Vanessa: Hi Birdman.

Birdman: Whatever...

Vanessa: I want to talk about my latest movie...

Birdman shoots her off the screen.

Birdman: What a 307 years.

Phil: Yep.

A screen caption then pops up and says "307 Years Earlier" and then disappears as everyone ages down to there normal age.

Birdman: Let's just try to forget this all happened.

Cut back to Lokar on the comfy chair.

Lokar: And so they did, Birdman went on with his lawyer career and talk show host status, but now we won't now forget this because we just aired it without his permission and there's slight chance he might find out and sue us. But who really cares what I think, Lokar's just that gay bug that hangs around with Birdman, the show might be over, but before we roll the credits I want to promote my new book "Lokar's Book Full of 11 Books For the Mind".

Lokar pulls out a copy.

Lokar: 10 short stories for people who are depressed with life and wished it was all other with because they're sissies who are scared of rejection, like Ted Turner. The 10 stories are about life, tragedy, society, family, politics and there's a chance that Ted Turner might sue me because...I used his named without his permission. Silly me. The last story is a full-fledged novel about love between a man and a woman who realises he has feelings for the woman's friend who'll he do anything for while the woman finds out about their affair and dumps the man and pretends to be never again friends with the other woman she thought was her friend, and decides to go on a soul-searching journey for her real soul-mate while the man finds himself depressed, because he has no-one to talk to, no-one to listen to him, the other woman was more a sex object to him and misses his ex-girlfriend and finds out in a personality test that his gay and must learn how to control his emotional feelings for not letting anyone else find out about him outing himself out while the woman is on the time of her life. "Lokar's Book Full of 11 Books For the Mind" comes out this Tuesday, on Amazon, eBay and other internet markets and supermarkets such as Wal-Mart, Hot Topic, K-Mart, Payless and Target.

Birdman walks over to Lokar.

Birdman: What are you doing?

Lokar: Promoting my new book.

Birdman: New book? You couldn't write a book for your life.

Lokar: But I did Birdman.

Birdman: Oh did you.

Lokar: I forget to mention that that the book comes out this Tuesday and it costs $139.39, it's a long book and took over 33 months to publish and finish.

Birdman: You aired that episode without my permission didn't you?

Lokar: No.

Birdman: Yes you did.

Lokar: No I didn't.

Birdman: Yes you did, I overheard it in the cafeteria.

Lokar: Soooo...do you want to buy my book?

Birdman: Okay, what's it called?

Lokar: It's a new book about...

Birdman: Cut the dramatic crap, what's it called?

Lokar: Lokar's Book Full of 11 Books For the Mind! Out this Tuesday, all internet retailers and shopping malls, it costs $139.39...get one today!

Pause.

Birdman: I thought it didn't come out till Tuesday?

Lokar: So...you can pre-order.

Birdman: I don't have the money...

Lokar: JUST BUY THE BOOK!

End credits.


	15. Monkey Ghost

Birdman Coast to Coast

Monkey Ghost

Birdman walks in his bedroom.

Birdman:(drunk): Hahahahaha, I saw 17 boobs and one vagina!

Birdman lies on the bed as the scene transitions into a dream. It's the junior prom as Jason, Birdman's dad is next to a 12-year old Birdman.

Jason: Okay son, you show everyone else how the Randalls do it, okay son?

Jason walks off and pushes him to his date, a blonde girl wearing a pink dress as Jason walks over to another father.

Father: You can't live through your son, Jason.

Jason: I'm not living through him...

Father: Okay, whatever you say...

12-Year Old Birdman: Gee, are you as nervous as I am.

Blonde Date: Yeah...I suppose.

12-Year Old Birdman: When I get nervous, blood comes out of my nose.

Blonde Date: I really wanted to know that.

Announcer: Everyone hold onto to your dance partners and be ready for the Time Warp.

12-Year Old Birdman: That song is so old.

Blonde Date: Tell me about it.

12-Year Old Birdman and Blonde Date hold hands as 12-Year Old Birdman starts profusely sweating as Blip's ghost appears.

Blip's Ghost: Use the force young Ray Randall.

12-Year Old Birdman: What? What are you doing in my dream?

Blip's Ghost: One man's seed must be consented.

12-Year Old Birdman: GET OUT OF HERE MAN!

The song "Time Warp" starts as Blonde Date starts dancing with 12-Year Old Birdman as he against falls over and trips everyone other and a bowl of punch pours on to the ground as Jason is shocked.

Jason: What in the name of sex toys?

Blonde Date: This is the worst dream I've ever been in, thanks a lot Birdman, now I've got punch and glass in my dress.

Blonde Date storms off as Blip's Ghost laughs manically.

Blip's Ghost: I'm going to keep appearing in your dreams and turn it into nightmares...until your debt is repaid for killing me last season!

Birdman wakes up.

Birdman: Blip, what are you doing to me you darn dirty monkey ghost!

Birdman runs out of the apartment, through the halls, through the main door, through the footpath, other the fence runs off to a car.

Man in Car: Yo, get out of my car!

Birdman: Why don't you make me!

Opening credits.

Phil:(V.O): Tonight on Birdman Coast to Coast, comedian and actor David Cross, and that's all...please welcome your guest, Birdman!

Cut to the studio as Birdman walks in, with a beard mark and red veins in his eyes.

Birdman: Hello, welcome to Birdman Coast to Coast...

Peanut: Gee Birdman, what's up, pre-season two jitters?

Birdman: No, I've developed insomnia since Blip's Ghost has appeared in my dreams turning it into nightmares, do you reckon it means something?

Peanut: His pissed...pissed off you peed in a cake that he ate episodes ago.

Birdman: That cake was meant for Space Ghost.

Peanut: Well, his angry about you causing his death...so, I don't know.

Birdman: I've called an exterminator to ease me through these tough times...

Peanut: One of the "Ghostbusters"?

Birdman: No...Steve Arnold.

Peanut: Aw, that's too bad.

Birdman: Steve Arnold is now on the line as we speak.

Steve Arnold appears on the monitor.

Steve: Hello.

Birdman: Hi Steve, I've got a little ghost problem on my hands.

Steve: Shoot.

Birdman: Blip is hunting me in my dreams.

Steve: Who's Blip, exactly?

Birdman: A monkey that was going to be apart of the band and died...due to eating the cake I had urinated on which I was saving for Space Ghost.

Steve: So you're talking about exterminating a...exterminating a ghost?

Birdman: Yes...dur, like...hello?

Steve: I exterminate bugs.

Birdman: I've got a bug for you, name begins with "L" and ends with "K" can you guess who it is?

Cut to Lokar in the control room talking to priest Bob Larson on the monitor.

Bob: I'm happy to be here, Mr. Locusta.

Lokar: Call me King Locusta.

Bob:(laughing): Uh, yes...King Locusta.

Lokar: I was chosen to interview you because Birdman wanted to see what you could tell me about monkey ghosts?

Bob: Monkey ghosts?

Lokar: Something about Blip's ghost haunting him in his dreams, worried he might terrorise the set and possess him.

Bob: I really should tell you who are like fly paper for demons...

Lokar: Paranoid talk show hosts?

Bob: Maybe, maybe...yes.

Lokar: I'm gay, does that mean I'll be one day a demon magnet?

Bob: I have nothing against them personally, but God made a man and a woman to be in love, not for a man and a man or a woman and a woman.

Lokar: So?

Bob: You're like nectar for demons, my friend.

Lokar:(sarcastically): Oh thanks a lot Bob Larson, you made me feel so much bloody better! I feel so damn marvellous, my choice of lifestyle means eternal damnation, eh? Well, thanks a lot I thought God liked gay people.

Bob: Well I've heard nothing in the bible that says homosexuality is a sin.

Lokar: Can I tell you a secret, Bob.

Bob: No, do you have an appointment with him in the confessional?

Lokar: No...but, I'm not actually gay.

Bob: No.

Lokar: I kinda just pretend because...because well, it's a thing because I don't like dating women, but I get boners looking at pornography...what, I mean...I mean...I definitely mean "Vogue" magazine and ah...erections, is that the word I'm looking for instead of "boners"? Well, I've had dating problems, and I pretend I'm gay, because, women are attracted to me but still dump me on my bottom for some reason because it's one guy, next, other guy, next, you know what I mean? I'm not a virgin, I've had intercourse at least twice or five times, oh wait you don't want to hear that.

Bob: Go on.

Lokar: No, then I'll be going on a rant, long story short - I just pretend.

Bob: Really?

Lokar: What about my brother George, he has peyote insurance.

Bob: Okay, nice.

Cut back to the set.

Birdman: And so I said, that's not my wife, that's my prostitute!

Pause.

Steve: Back to the ghost...

Birdman: Oh, so do you exterminate ghosts now?

Steve: No.

Birdman: Oh.

Steve: I know a ghost exterminator nearby the planet you're on.

Birdman: You do?

Steve: Yes, his name is Ned Hastings.

Pause.

Birdman: His that animator guy ain't he?

Steve: Maybe.

Birdman: I don't care, what's his number?

Steve: I don't know, he leaves pamphlets around...

Birdman: His he in the yellow pages?

Pause.

Peanut: Just check, no one's stopping you.

Birdman: You're right.

Cut to Lokar drinking two glasses of beer in the control room when Avenger flies in wearing a bird-sized robe.

Lokar: What's up with this MTV they have on these days, it's not music television, it's reality cr-r-rap, Pimp My Ride, what sort of name is that. I suppose you have to be in the hip-hop and the "teh s uck" crowd to understand, My Super Sweet 16, what the bloody Hell is this putrid garbage about anyways, Punk'd? Until they get that Paris Hilton on that show, I'll remain thinking it's attacking good celebrities for no reason but for a cheap laugh.

Bob: I understand, MTV is more of the teenage crowd's channel.

Lokar: Yes, but adults watch it too, I must stick with VH1, but that's turned into reality show crap, "Breaking Bonaduce"? What is so bleeding marvellous about Danny Bonaduce's life, oooh like "Hogan Knows Best" Hulk Hogan has his own show, oh he has a family, wow I didn't know that. I don't care, there's no bloody music channel dedicated to opera.

Bob: Oprah?

Lokar: Opera, Larson, not Oprah, opera.

Bob: Jerry Springer the Opera is moral trash.

Lokar: I hate Jerry Springer, love opera, don't bag opera, Bob.

Bob: Yeah but...

Lokar: Don't diss it until you've tried it!

Bob: Yes, but...

Lokar: I'll put on my Hawaiian skirt and we'll dance till dawn talking about what Jesus would do.

Bob: What Jesus would do is...perform miracles.

Lokar: That is so remarkable, I'm about to piss myself laughing.

Bob: And God...God is watching over us.

Lokar: Why us?

Bob: Well...

Lokar: No, it's a question Bob, why us?

Bob: I suppose...just to watch over us.

Lokar: Really...

Bob: Yes.

Lokar: Good.

Cut to Birdman and Peanut looking in the yellow pages.

Birdman: According to this, Ned Hastings will talk over about a full-time service extermination contract.

Peanut: No, that portion of the service will cost $190 dollars.

Birdman: Should I make a money tree?

Peanut: Money tree? No, why?

Birdman: To make money.

Peanut: Here's a cheap service, of ghost poison being sprayed in the studio for a cheap $1 dollar bill.

Birdman: Let's take that deal.

Peanut: Where's the phone number?

Birdman: Ghost-5528?

Birdman walks off.

Birdman: I'll be on the phone.

Peanut: So Steve, you related to Tom Arnold?

Steve: No.

Peanut: Yeah, he was on our show, Birdman married him on impulse, but that's Birdman for you.

Steve: Oh.

Birdman walks in.

Birdman: Ned will be in a couple of seconds he said.

Ned Hastings walks in wearing a orange coat and a gas tank.

Ned: Hey guys, I'm here.

Birdman: That was quick, Ned.

Ned: Well, here in the Ghost Extermination Company Inc. it's customary to be quick. Here's a business card.

Ned hands Birdman a card with a picture of a ghost on it.

Birdman: It just has a ghost on it.

Ned: Of course, that's what people want you to think.

Birdman: What?

Ned: Want you to think that it's a ghost, to me it's profit.

Steve: Hey Ned.

Birdman: Bye Steve.

Steve: So...

Steve disappears from the monitor.

Birdman: Do you cover sudden exorcisms?

Ned: Sure do.

The priest from "Unaired" walks up behind Ned with the bible.

Priest: THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU TO GIVE ME MONEY!

Birdman: LOKAR! YOU CAN GET OFF THE SPACE PHONE WITH BOB LARSON!

Cut to a drunk Lokar lying on the ground with a bamboo stick.

Lokar:(singing): Come and knock on our door, come and knock on our door, just here waitin' for you...

Bob: Back to the monkey ghosts...

Birdman: LOKAR!

Lokar: What you imbecile?

Birdman disrupts the transmission as Bob appears in a little picture down below, being handed a coffee and drinking it.

Birdman: You can stop talking to Mr. Bob Larson now.

Lokar: Cool...I think.

Lokar turns off the transmission as stock footage of a dog chasing after a cat appears.

Lokar:(laughing manically): OH GOD! THAT IS SOO FUNNY, OH GOD, MY BUSTED SIDES ARE BUSTING AGAIN! OH LOOK, THE CAT'S SNIFFING THE DOG'S BUTT, OH GOD...HAHAHAHAHAHAA, THAT'S JUST SOOO FUNNY, THE DOG IS STARTING TO HUMP THE CAT, OH GOD MY SIDES ARE BUSTING, I CAN'T BREATHE! I CAN'T BREATHE!

Lokar falls on the ground as Phil, Peanut, Birdman are talking to Ned.

Birdman: Okay, Ned...I want the poison service.

Ned: The 1 dollar service?

Birdman: Correct.

Phil: Why did you get Lokar to hang up on Bob Larson, Birdman?

Birdman: What?

Phil: I have problems Birdman, real problems.

Birdman: Whatever.

Phil: Don't whatever on me, Birdman.

Peanut: What about robot ghosts?

Birdman: Robot ghosts.

Phil: I just like sucking on animal c...

Birdman: Confetti hotplates, ghosts like confetti hotplates.

Peanut: Do not.

Lokar:(V.O): HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Birdman throws the yellow pages book on the ground as it explodes as Shake from Aqua Teen Hunger Force suddenly appears, shocked.

Shake: Give me back my powers, bird bitch.

Cut to commercial. Act 2. Birdman is talking at the curtains with Ned.

Birdman: So, you have installed all the ghost poison tanks.

Ned: Check.

Birdman: Sprayed the ghost repellent.

Ned: Check.

Birdman: Checked with special heat-vision goggles to check if there's already a ghost in the studio.

Ned: Check.

Birdman: Drink coffee.

Ned: Check.

Birdman: And give Master Shake his powers back.

Ned: Double check.

Birdman: Okay, we've done...thank you for your services Ned.

Ned: Apart of the one dollar service deal and the contract you just signed over commercial break, I shall guard the studio from here just in case a ghost comes in without you knowing.

Birdman: Good idea, well thanks Ned.

Birdman walks back to his desk and grabs out a cue card and starts tapping it.

Birdman: Welcome back, fellow viewers. Our guest tonight is David Cross.

David Cross appears on the monitor.

David: Hello Birdman, I am obviously David Cross.

Birdman: You didn't bring Bob Odenkirk did you?

David:(laughing): No.

Birdman: He said Tim Heidecker and Eric Warehaiem were talented people when he was on my show. Talented! What sort of topsy-turvy world is this where unexperienced people are talented?

David: I don't know what you are talking about.

Birdman: Tim & Eric, like hello...wait, I remember, I accidentally said "TOM and Eric", silly me.

David: Let's stop talking about "Tom Goes to the Mayor" for the minute.

Ned: Mr. Cross, I loved you in "Run Ronnie Run".

Pause.

Ned: It was priceless.

Birdman: Yes, and you played the wheelchair guy in "Scary Movie 2".

Ned: Hated it.

Birdman: Your not here to give commentary Ned, just guard the set. So David, will you think about doing other movies?

David: Maybe if the studio pays me an assload of money.

Birdman: Well, that's great, has it been commercial yet?

David: What?

Cut to Phil in the control room with Lokar.

Lokar:(drunk): So...Phil, you like confetti hotplates?

Phil: No, what are "confetti hotplates"?

Lokar:(drunk): You know paper confetti, you put that in a hotplate full of soup and you eat it, tastes like plastic.

Phil: Why did you hang up on Bob Larson, I've got problems.

Lokar:(drunk): Because your addicted to the taste of animal's private parts, how revolting.

Phil: Well, okay...maybe I do.

Phil grabs Lokar and runs off. Cut back to the studio, David Cross is wearing a beer hat, drinking two beers through straws as someone off-screen is putting his makeup on.

Birdman: No, put the rouge there, no, over there! Your left, no your other left! Now the right isn't going to be on par.

David: Can I have some lunch?

Birdman: You like taco sandwiches?

David: It's alright.

Birdman: Good, Avenger...send Mr. David Cross a taco sandwich.

Cut to Avenger in the control room as he pulls the lever down as a taco sandwich all wrapped up pops out in the monitor as David grabs it. Cut back to the set.

David: Smells good.

Birdman: Missed lunch, eh?

David: Yeah.

David unwraps it and starts eating as the hand off screen stops putting the makeup on.

Birdman: I know how that goes.

David: I love it how it has that South-Western flavour.

Birdman: Glad you're enjoying it.

David: Thanks for the taco sandwich, buddy.

Birdman: So Mr. Cross, will you join me for my new film "Birdman vs. the Giant Godzilla Gorilla Man vs. Michael Jackson vs. Your Mom".

Pause.

David: No thank you.

Ned: Can I talk yet?

Birdman: Keep guarding!

Ned: Okay.

David: I just made up a movie idea, it's based in the future where giant robots enslave humans for pocket money to build a laser-gun to destroy the Sun so they can have the heat from the Sun to power there ultra-violet ray-guns and power up there electricity...Birdman starts falling asleep...because the Power Plants are incompetent monkeys, and Bob Odenkirk will play the monkey while I play the psychotic rooster who thinks his a robot turkey bent on world mayhem and domination.

Ned: Birdman, wake up!

Birdman quickly wakes up.

Birdman: Did I fall asleep?

Ned: Duh.

Cut to Peanut reading a script.

Peanut: Why don't I have any lines, and according to this at the end, I'm going to be eaten by dinosaurs.

Birdman: It doesn't say that.

Peanut: Yes, it does.

Birdman: No, it doesn't.

Peanut: Yes, it does.

Birdman: Here's your script.

Pause. Phil walks in with Lokar as Lokar explodes.

Phil: Damn.

Lokar's Ghost: You'll pay for this Birdman!

David has finished eating as he throws the wrapper away.

Birdman: What did I do?

Lokar's Ghost: Kill me!

Birdman: No I didn't.

Lokar's Ghost: Maybe not Lokar...but you did kill...transforms into Blip's Ghost...ME!

Birdman: Blip's ghost!

Blip's Ghost: That's right Birdman.

Cut to Ned sleeping.

Birdman: Ned! Wake up! Ned!

Ned quickly wakes up, sprays ghost poison in his face and starts running around.

Ned: I CAN'T SEE! I CAN'T SEE! ICAN'TSEEICAN'TSEEICAN'TSEE!

Birdman: That's just great, cut to commercial Avenger.

Avenger: Caw.

David: Sweet.

Cut to commercial. Act 3. Everyone is staring at each other as Blip's Ghost eats a banana as it goes through him.

Birdman: Blip, what are you doing here?

Blip's Ghost: I'm here to cause havoc and chaos in your set.

David: I have a cousin who, uh...who...

Blip's Ghost: SHUT UP!

David: Talks like you...

David starts laughing.

Blip's Ghost: Very funny, no-one cares.

Phil: Hey Blip, 'member when me, Peanut and you went to the 1967 Emmy Awards and we saw Elizabeth Montgomery and kept staring at her butt.

Blip's Ghost: Good times there Phil.

Peanut: I think I have a photo of that, somewhere.

Birdman: You went to the Emmys without me?

Peanut: Yeah, you were looking at old 1950s' newspapers, we all thought it was a better waste of your time.

Birdman: I'm not speaking to any of you ever again!

Blip's Ghost: Remember that Bonanza marathon we watched all night.

Peanut: Oh yeah, me and Phil both drink lots of caffeine that night.

David: Bonanza, is that that old show that featured cowboys.

Birdman: No, just because that ate pudding like cowboys doesn't mean they were cowboys.

Blip's Ghost: I had the biggest man crush on Lorne Green.

Phil: Remember when we used to make fun of Peanut for liking Sharon Stone.

Phil, Blip's Ghost and Peanut start laughing and David joins in to as Birdman stares.

David: Hey Blip, how's it like in Heaven.

Birdman: No more questions for the Monkey ghost.

Blip's Ghost: You know how they're three Godfather movies, in Heaven...there's seven.

Everyone except Birdman gasps in amazement.

Birdman: I don't care, I hated the Godfather trilogy I preferred "The Untouchables".

David: Seven Godfather movies, I mean, no offence, the first two were good but the third one...sucked.

Blip's Ghost: In Heaven, I've met Kurt Cobain...

Phil: Ooohh...Kurt Cobain.

Blip's Ghost: Princess Diana.

Peanut: THE Princess Diana!

Blip's Ghost: Harry Goz, John Ritter, Johnny Carson, most of the Bonanza cast except the Indians and Mary Kay Bergman.

Birdman: No you haven't.

David: That's awesome.

Birdman: No it's not.

Phil: Hey Blip...can you come home, and uh...be our dad.

Birdman: No, I'm your Dad!

Peanut: No you're not!

Birdman: You're right, I don't care.

David: Who's your Daddy?

David stops laughing hysterically.

Blip's Ghost: I've also met Dr. Worm...

Birdman: How's he going...doh!

Blip's Ghost: Good, thanks for asking Birdman.

Birdman: I didn't mean to ask that.

Blip's Ghost: Also I've met Vincent Price, I got his autograph.

Peanut: Found the picture...

Peanut shows a photo of Phil, Blip's Ghost and Peanut at the Red Carpet for the Emmys.

Blip's Ghost: I also got to do a drum solo with Johnny Cash and Eddie Guererro taught me how to do the Five Star Frog Splash.

Birdman: Are you rubbing it in?

Blip's Ghost: Maybe Birdman...oh, by the way...I saw your baby sister there!

Birdman: NOOO! I DON'T MEAN IT! MY SISTER, I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT YOU!

Blip's Ghost: Yep, she's the cutest thing next to your suicidal ex-girlfriend you took out to the prom.

Birdman: Junior prom, and she didn't become suicidal until High School.

Blip's Ghost: I've also got a signed copy of the Blues Brothers script by John Belushi.

Birdman:(starting to get mad): You've...met...John...Belushi.

Blip's Ghost: Much nicer then his brother Jim Belushi.

Phil: I remember the first time we all met, when we went out to have a beer and you came by and paid our tab.

Birdman: He didn't pay my tab!

Phil: Because you didn't have a tab.

Birdman: Oh, right.

Blip's Ghost: Better yet, Ned.

Ned: Yes...

Cut to Ned with lumps all over his face.

Ned: Oh yeah, I'm fine...I just sprayed myself with ghost poison, don't worry about me.

Blip's Ghost: Let's all go out to Las Vegas, me, Phil, Peanut and...

Birdman: Yes?

Avenger: Caw.

Blip's Ghost: Reducto.

Reducto runs in.

Reducto: YES! I finally have a life!

Birdman: What?

Avenger: CAW!

They all walk off as Birdman stares at David Cross.

Birdman: Who likes you?

David: Well, lots of people like me and...

Birdman: That was meant to be an insult.

David: Oh...a rhetorical question?

Birdman: Yeah, I suppose, it doesn't matter, I'm going to sleep now.

Birdman starts sleeping. Cut to all the casinos as Blip's Ghost, Phil, Peanut and Reducto look around to the tune to that song that goes "Can't stop the beat, I won't stop". In this montage to the song, Phil is in rehab, while Peanut is in a strip club and is excited when a stripper gestures for him to come over, but is disappointed when "her" mask comes off revealing his a guy, Reducto is gambling while a mob fight is going on in the background and Blip's Ghost is in a night club partying while drinking, as the alcohol goes through him as people slip down to the ground. The song stops as it cuts back to the studio as Birdman is still sleeping.

Ned: So David...can you give me a couple of Mr. Show episodes.

David: No.

Ned: C'mon.

David: No.

Ned: C'mon.

David: No.

Ned: C'mon.

David: No.

Ned: C'mon.

David: No.

Ned: C'mon.

David: No.

Ned: C'mon.

David: No.

Ned: C'mon.

David: No.

Ned: C'mon.

David: No.

Ned: C'mon.

David: No.

Ned: C'mon.

David: No.

Ned: C'mon.

David: No.

Ned: C'mon.

David: No.

Ned: C'mon.

David: C'mon.

Ned: No...oh, DAMNIT!

David starts laughing.

David: You can't get any Mr. Show tapes.

Ned: Any DVDs of it out.

David: Maybe, I don't know. I don't pay attention to these things, hahaha.

Birdman wakes up.

Birdman: That was a good 7 minute sleep.

Pause.

Birdman: What are you still doing here?

Avenger: Caw?

Birdman: No, not you...David Cross.

David: That's my name, don't wear it out.

Birdman: I will wear it out.

David: Try me.

Pause.

Birdman: David Cross, David Cross, David Cross, David Cross, David Cross, David Cross, David Cross, David Cross, David Cross, David Cross, David Cross, David Cross, David Cross, David Cross, David Cross, David Cross, David Cross, David Cross, David Cross, David Cross, David Cross, David Cross, David Cross, David Cross...

Ned: I'm so sick of that name now...I'm going to call you, John Billy.

Birdman: Who, me or David Cross?

Ned:(angry): D.C!

Birdman: Yes we all know Washington, D.C. is great but who are you going to call John Billy?

Ned: David Cross, are you happy?

David: Yes, I am.

Birdman: That's good, but who are you going to call John Billy!

Ned: David Cross, I'm going to call David Cross John Billy.

Birdman: Oh yeah, me too...hello John Billy.

David: Hello Birdman.

Birdman: How many John Billy does it take to John Billy a John Billy, John Billy?

Ned: Now I'm sick of THAT name.

David: Who's John Billy.

Birdman: I don't know, Ned never told me who he was going to call John Billy.

Ned: GRRRRRRRRRRR!

Ned explodes (literally!) in anger.

Birdman: Whoa!

The rest walk back in, Peanut with two eggs.

Birdman: How was Las Vegas?

Blip's Ghost: Good.

Phil: I got over my animal problems.

Peanut: I got two eggs.

Reducto: And I won Microsoft and CNN in a poker game.

Peanut's eggs start hatching as two robot dinosaurs come out and start pecking Peanut as Reducto runs off as David Cross disappears from the monitor.

Blip's Ghost: Oh no, we're doomed.

Blip's Ghost arises up to the Heavens as the robot dinosaurs start tearing Peanut limb from limb.

Phil: Peanut was right, dinosaurs were going to kill him at the end of the show.

Birdman: No, he wasn't. They're ROBOT dinosaurs, there's a difference!

Phil: Yeah, I suppose.

Peanut's dismembered body lies on the ground, dead as the robot dinosaurs come into each other and explode, destroying half of the set.

Birdman: Whoa.

Phil stares at Birdman, Peanut, Birdman, Peanut repeatedly until HE also explodes as Birdman looks on.

Birdman: Whoa...what A ending.

End credits.


	16. Law Suite

Birdman Coast to Coast

Law Suite

Cut to Birdman, Phil, Peanut and Avenger in the Mess Hall.

Birdman: Guys, remind me to neuter Avenger after the show.

Avenger: Caw?

Space Ghost and Spyro walk in.

Birdman: Space Ghost and Spyro? This ain't looking good.

Spyro hands Birdman a sheet of paper.

Birdman: Congratulations Mr. Birdman, the FCC are now suing you for unpaid fines from Broadcast Standards and Practises. What's this all about?

Space Ghost: I'm the FCC intern Birdman, and as the intern I check who's paid there fines and who's not, and I found your fine, accidentally resent back to us and since there were a lot of your fines unpaid, I decided to put two and two together and decided I'm going to sue you.

Birdman: What?

Space Ghost: Also, thanks to you, the great Master Emperor, ruler of the FCC has decided to censor every cable show to be family-friendly and if any cable stars have any complaints, they can mail you.

Spyro: C'mon Space Ghost, I've missed 2 minutes of my 5'o clock with the massage therapist.

Spyro and Space Ghost walk off.

Peanut: They're kidding right?

Pause.

Birdman: So anyway, we have to neuter him ourselves, I don't want to pay no vet no money...

Opening credits.

Phil:(V.O): Tonight on Birdman Coast to Coast...is...is, well I don't know, don't look at me, oh wait...you actually CAN'T look at me, ha-ha, visually-impaired audience. Here's your host, Birdman.

Birdman walks in.

Bob:(V.0): Birdman, you were supposed to crash through the roof.

Birdman: Can't, the FCC is taking over my show and they're saying I should just walk in because crashing into the set brings a bad message to children or, something like that.

Bob walks in.

Bob: What? The FCC is censoring us?

Birdman: Yes, I brought the FCC...to basic cable.

Dramatic sting as everyone gasps.

Bob: Oh my...oh no, we can't do any sick jokes or violent scenes or snippets of sex scenes or oral sex jokes making fun of you or suggestive dialogue, oh God.

Birdman: Thanks to the FCC though, this episode got a pretty good TV-G rating, the family-friendliest any episode has ever got.

Bob: So? Which kid is watching this show at 10:00pm, c'mon! I'm getting you some lawyers.

Birdman: Lawyers? I am a lawyer.

Bob: And a ba...good one in that. But we just need to spruce up your lawyer abilities by hiring some other lawyers.

Birdman: Like whom?

Bob: Greta Van Susteren, Courtney B. Vance and Stephanie March.

All that was mentioned appear on the monitor, sitting on seats next to each other.

Greta: I'm Greta Van Susteren.

Courtney: I'm Courtney B. Vance.

Stephanie: And I'm Stephanie March.

Greta, Courtney, Stephanie: Hello Birdman.

Birdman walks over to his desk.

Bob: Hi guys, remember me.

Courtney: No, I don't remember Stephanie...

Stephanie: Maybe, maybe if you pay me enough money.

Stephanie laughs.

Greta: I've been on Space Ghost Coast to Coast, and I was told about this character known as Birdman.

Bob: It's me Bob.

Greta: Bob, who's Bob?

Birdman: Your mamma, I'm Birdman. And I'm wondering about getting some lawyers to defend my case with the FCC.

Stephanie: The FCC?

Lokar: Birdman, me and Jan are going to a hotel suite nearby Taco King.

Birdman: Since when did you and Jan started hitting it off? I thought you were gay.

Lokar: Yes, I am happy.

Pause.

Birdman: Oh well, you two have a good time. I don't want you to get involved with the FCC as well.

Cut to Lokar wearing a nice tuxedo with a set of keys.

Lokar: Don't worry, me and Jan will have a good time on our fourth date.

Lokar walks off.

Jace: Birdman?

Birdman: Yes, Jace?

Jace: Can I go with them.

Birdman: Sounds like it's going to be romantic.

Jace: I know.

Birdman: Sounds like it'll be pretty steamy.

Jace: I know.

Birdman: Tuxedo, didn't you see that wonderful tuxedo?

Jace: Can I go follow them?

Birdman: Why?

Jace: I don't want Jan to be upset if Lokar dumps her with his gayness.

Birdman: Oh man...the jealously bug has struck.

Jace: To make sure she doesn't see me, I'll go in the hotel in the nude.

Birdman: As a nudist?

Jace: Yeah, because I felt like it.

Jace strips as his "Mr. Winkie" is blurred as he runs off as Peanut walks in wearing a Peanut-shaped costume.

Peanut: Birdman, please tell me why the stupid FCC dressed him this way with their robot tailor.

Birdman: A robot tailor...right.

Phil walks over to Peanut.

Phil: I think you look kinda hot.

Pause.

Birdman: A robot tailor...right

Peanut: It's true.

Stephanie:(laughing): A robot tailor.

Phil: Wanna have a mouth workout after the show in the showers.

Peanut: I feel stupid.

Courtney: Maybe that's because you are stupid.

Birdman: That was uncalled for, Mr. B. Vance.

Phil: Has anyone ever told you, you have a nice ass.

Birdman: Are you that insensitive Mr. B. Vance, apologize for that remark.

Phil: PEANUT'S HOT, YOU DAMN BASTARD! Okay, who wants to go to Wal-Mart after the show?

Pause as everyone stares at Phil.

Birdman: Wal-Mart?

Courtney: Hot Topic.

Stephanie: Payless.

Greta: K-Mart.

Peanut: Your mamma!

Courtney, Stephanie and Greta laugh.

Courtney: Kool-Aid drink!

Phil kisses Peanut, passionately.

Birdman: Whoa, now there's a man kiss.

Peanut: Thanks Phil, I was actually starting to lose my breathe a bit. Thank God, someone knows about CPR.

Peanut walks off.

Phil: I hit, I hit, I hit...I'll never be the proper Lokar replacement!

Bob walks off.

Bob: I feel like I'm going to vomit.

Cut to a Hotel room as Lokar and Jan both walk, drunk-like.

Jan: I had a good time tonight, Lokar.

Lokar: Me too Jan, who knew opposites could attract.

Jan: You know what they say...

Lokar: Opposites attract.

Jan: No...but, let's do something wicked and wild.

Lokar: Oooh, pour hot mustard and honey all over the salad and pour beer into the bowl and drink and eat it at the same time then vomit on room service!

Jan: No, I have a better idea...(starts whispering in Lokar's ear as he starts getting excited)...

Lokar: Really? With sprinkles on top?

Jan: No, just me naked with whipped cream all over me.

Jace runs in, naked (and blurred) still.

Jace: You better not miss with my girl, Lokar Lloyd Locusta!

Dramatic music comes on.

Narrator: Will Birdman win his battle with the FCC? Will Jan and Lokar hit off like intended without jealous Jace in the way, and will Phil win Peanut over. All this and more after the break.

Stephanie: What about us?

Narrator: Yes, what about you...

Cut to commercial. Act 2. Cut to Phil sitting on Birdman's desk as Birdman just stares at him.

Phil: How come Peanut won't go out with me...

Birdman: Phil, what are you trying to do?

Phil: Win Peanut over.

Birdman: You know what I did to win over Gigi, bathe in front of her naked in roses. It should work for you.

Phil: Really? You think that'll work!

Birdman: Yeah...

Phil: Thanks Birdman...

Phil walks off.

Birdman: I really didn't do that.

Courtney: You didn't?

Birdman: Nope, got it from my Kevin Spacey DVD collection.

Greta: Yeah...

Birdman: It was a movie called "American Beauty"...look, a plastic bag!

Cut to a plastic bag blowing around in the set.

Birdman:(V.O): It's so beautiful and magical, it's...it's dancing with me! It's telling me..., it's telling me there's nothing to be afraid of...

Cut to Lokar wearing a robe lying in bed.

Lokar: Jan, come to bed, Jan...

Jan:(V.O): Just a minute, I gotta get some whip cream on.

Lokar: I love seductive whip cream on a naked lady's body,

Jan walks in with whip cream covering most of her bare body as she jumps on to bed.

Jan: Do you feel excited...

Lokar: I feel more then excited...

Jan: Lick it...

Lokar: You don't mean...

Jan: Lick it, lick it good.

Lokar proceeds to try and lick her boob covered with whipped cream as it cuts to a hillbilly-like person in a corn-farm.

Hillbilly: Hahahahahahha, now here's Cooter.

Cut to Phil bathing in a roses as Peanut enters in his Peanut-costume.

Phil:(sexily): Come in here, Peanut.

Peanut: What?

Phil: I now have bi-sexual urges, so...suck it dry.

Peanut: WHAT!

Phil: Suck it...

Peanut: I don't swing that way, Phil.

Phil stands up angrily, with most of his body still covered in roses stuck to him.

Phil: You suck my testicles right now mister or I'll never be gay!

Peanut: What? What the Hell are you talking about?

Phil: That's it; if you don't want me I'll get someone who'll appreciate my advances. I wonder if Tom Cruise is still available.

Peanut: Jan likes me, if she found out...

Phil: Jan is going out with Mr. Goody-Seven Shoes!

Peanut: What?

Phil: Also known as Lokar.

Peanut: Oh...what? I thought he was gay!

Phil: Proceed to suck you damn bastard!

Cut to a tunnel, the camera pans under the tunnel, through all the stairways which leads to a control panel with cameras with shows (including Birdman Coast to Coast which shows a clip of the episode "Breakdown" where Birdman is having sex with the cheerleader), as a black, dark figure with a evil robe-like clothing and a mask is watching as a medieval-type guard walks in.

Guard: Master Emperor, the Birdman Coast to Coast has not learned it's lesson, they have not negoatied to pay there fines or even reliated, it's like they don't care.

Master Emperor: Bad mistake, Birdman...if he does not pay in the right time that's in my mind right now, we shall fire missiles of destruction and unmentionable terror at his studios.

FCC suits walk in.

FCC Suit #1: Mr. Master Emperor, there's too much shows to censor now we're taken over censoring cable shows after the lack of competence in the Broadcast Standards and Practises administration was revealed after they allowed risqué scenes on that dumb talk show pass. I missed my son's little league game.

FCC Suit #2: I missed Nip/Tuck thanks to you...

A laser gun disincarnates FCC Suit #2 to dust as Master Emperor laughs like a complete madman.

Master Emperor: If any of you suits have anymore complaints, you can join John in Hell.

Everyone backs away.

Master Emperor: Birdman will pay...he shall pay...(dramatic music sting)...all of his fines.

Even stronger dramatic music sting. Cut to Birdman with letters all over his desk.

Birdman:(reading): Dear Birdman, up yours from Howard Stern, Dear Birdman, I hope you rot in FCC hell, signed Trey Parker & Matt Stone, FCC Hell?

Avenger: Caw, caw, caw, caw...oh caw, caw...caw...caw...

Birdman: I see, so all religions are fake even all the cults!

Avenger slaps himself with his claw.

Birdman: Dear Birdman, blank you, you blanking blanker! Signed blank...aka Alison Randall's sister, even my own Mom's sister which means she's my aunt is mad at me.

Stephanie: Hate mail?

Birdman: What about hate mail? That's what I'm getting, hate mail...

Stephanie: Oh, I see...

Birdman looks, puzzled.

Greta: Stephanie, you're hogging up the interview time...

Stephanie laughs.

Courtney: Listen guys, I've got shooting to do in a couple of ho...

Birdman: If you're all going to be like this, bye, bye.

Birdman blasts them all off the monitor.

Birdman: As they say in the classics, "Frankly, my dear, I don't really give a damn".

Cut to two FCC Swat members on top of a spaceship-sized sphere in orbit around Sunlight Studios.

FCC Swat #1: If he tries to say anymore copyrighted lines from old movies, give him a mouthful of letter.

FCC Swat #2 pulls out a bazooka and fires a huge package full of letters through the studios, into Birdman's mouth as he starts screaming muffled.

FCC Swat #2: That's a good boy...

Master Emperor appears in a radio watch on FCC Swat #1.

Master Emperor: Very good men, time to evacuate the Detroit FCC base and head to the FCC Headquarters near Jupiter, by boarding our ship.

FCC Swat #2: Yes, sir...

Master Emperor disappears.

FCC Swat #1: You heard Master Emperor, head to the FCC Headquarters near Jupiter.

The FCC Swat members head inside there spaceship and drive off in full-blast. Cut to the hotel as, as Jace (naked still) reads a magazine by the hotel door.

Jace: I don't care what this magazine says about Bill Clinton, his pretty gay to me...

A bellboy walks in with two suitcases.

Bellboy: Oh, George, thank God you're here.

Jace: I'm Jace Marshall.

Bellboy: Still going on an alias after being a fugitive from the government after you killed several animal meat by-product entrepreneurs for using Grade-A meat for a PETA protest.

Jace: No...

Bellboy: And still a nudist, eh? Fur is murder, hahahahaha that cracks me up.

Jace: Okay...

Bellboy: Anyway, here's Mr. Locusta and Ms. Christie's suitcases...

Jace: WHAT?

Bellboy: Still deaf, eh?

Cut to Birdman in his desk with Spyro on the monitor.

Spyro: And my clients, the entire FCC wish for you to pay all your fines, be their slave for a month, and have 90 percent of your income.

Birdman: But most of that income is for tax!

Spyro: Now it's 95 percent.

Birdman: Listen, slavery is against the law, the FCC can't get me to do squat.

Spyro: But they will keep censoring your shows and such, and I believe you must get a lawyer.

Birdman: Lawyer? Listen, those FCC punks want to start a highly technologic TV-G Kill Bill-kid-friendly style violence and war. They want a fight, they shall get a fight! I already single-handily brought down the MPAA to a bloody pulp.

Spyro: If by single, you mean the late Dr. Worm.

Birdman: Single-handily brought down the cheese shop for not accepting my counterfeit coupon with the naked man jacking off with a pig on it!

Spyro: I suggest you get a lawyer, Mr. Birdman, because I'm going to beat you, whether you like it or not, excuse I'm late for my 2'o clock.

Spyro disappears off the monitor.

Birdman: Man, that weirdo.

Phil and Peanut walk in.

Phil: Listen you, you didn't accept my advances, nor shall anyone accept your advances.

Birdman: Phil, what is happening with you?

Phil:(with Reducto voice): I tell you Birdman, my father...liked Hitler, really liked Hitler, then later on banged Marilyn Monroe and Mae West.

Phil grabs Reducto from behind his neck and throws him off.

Phil: I'm developing feelings for Peanut, okay...

Peanut: That's sick! I'm basically still a teenager you sick pervert!

Phil: It's what Lokar would've wanted...

Birdman & Peanut: Lokar?

Cut to Jan wearing a pink night gown and Lokar wearing a brown robe in there hotel room.

Jan: No wonder they call you the "Bed Master".

Lokar: They don't call me that...

Jan: They don't?

Lokar: They call me "Dr. Strangelove"...

Jace, walks in still naked with his suitcases.

Jace: Ms. Christie and Mr. Locusta, here's your suitcases.

Jan: Finally, we've been waiting for ages, we've had to live on our spare clothes we put in our plastic bags.

Jace: What?

Jan: And you're deaf, that's such a great service! Not!

Lokar: Listen buddy, just back away or I'll give your hotel a compliant of my own.

Jace: Jan, don't you recognize me?

Jan: Is that you Tom Selleck? Here to tell me that, that Magnum, P.I was just a bad dream I had.

Jace: No, it's me Jace.

Lokar: Jace, what are you doing here?

Jace: I'm here to tell Jan she's making a big mistake, pally.

Lokar: No, she's not...

Jace: Lokar is a gay locust, what if his gayness is rekindled.

Jan: What?

Lokar: Smashing what?

Jace: I mean, like...he was gay, but is straight now, he could be possibly gay again soon.

Lokar: Get your ass out of here!

Jace walks out of the hotel room as Jan slams the door on him, and then quickly opens it again.

Jan: Thanks for our suitcases.

Jan slams the door on him again. Cut to the FCC Headquarters, as FCC suits, guards, SWAT members and Master Emperor are inside sitting in a long wide table, with a picture of a naked women with black bars censoring it as the shot of space is shown through the windows.

Master Emperor: Ladies and gentlemen and bald-headed babies, I present...the new satellite which will receive TV transmissions before it hits the airwaves, which it'll automatically censor every show on the known universe.

FCC Suit #1: It's so crazy and devious and evil, it just might work.

Master Emperor: But, if the show has too many risqué moments to censor, it'll send a video message to us with a robot that's inside, programmed to censor the programs in the universe with the satellite, with a message of war.

FCC Suit #3: Wait, if there's some robot censoring every program airing known to man, what about us suits? Will we be laid off?

Every suit starts nodding and talking in agreement.

Master Emperor: While your job is taken, you shall be transferred to a new job for the FCC, to join the new formed FCC army with the reject SWAT members.

FCC SWAT Member #1: Would you not call us rejects?

Master Emperor pushes a button, which a trap door unveils with the chair and the SWAT falls in and engulfs in flames and screams for mercy.

Master Emperor: The first FCC target shall be the Birdman Coast to Coast crew, we'll destroy the set and put a "Cancelled" notice on their door while we'll show Birdman before he dies, the satellite which will be personally launched towards a black-hole, which it'll trigger a force field effect so the satellite isn't sucked in.

Dramatic sting. Pause.

FCC Swat Member #3: Is this the part where we laugh like madmen?

Master Emperor: Oh by all means.

They all start laughing as the camera pans out, it quickly pans back in the headquarters.

FCC Suit #4: What about the locust who's out with that girl? He owns half of the FCC in investments.

Pause as the intensity is built up as the camera pans on Master Emperor.

Master Emperor: Extra crispy.

Dramatic sting. Cut to commercial. Act 3. Cut to Birdman in the studio with Dr. Nightmare on the monitor.

Dr. Nightmare: So, the FCC is suing you for unpaid fines, which were meant to be sent to the Broadcast Standards & Practises.

Birdman: Yeah, that's pretty much it.

Dr. Nightmare: Who cares? The Broadcast Standards & Practises won't even let you say the "J" word unless as it's meant to pointed out as a object or a person, not to be used in vain some crap like that.

Birdman: Oh yeah, I see.

Phil: Why won't Peanut go out with me?

Peanut: Phil, I'm right here. Dr. Nightmare, the FCC forced me to dress up as a peanut by drugging me I think.

Dr. Nightmare: How would you know if you were drugged?

Peanut: When I woke up, they showed me a tape of me being drugged.

Dr. Nightmare: Whoa, did you still have the tape?

Peanut: I think so.

Dr. Nightmare: Good, the peanut costume boy has at least some sort of evidence of a drugging.

Birdman: The FCC Search and Destroy Vessels are have made several obscene threats. You should put that in.

Dr. Nightmare: Good, we've being trying to put that FCC to sleep since it first came out, but our argument of it being a evil corporation actually being a covered-up secret world domination crack team, but the government wouldn't believe us space lawyers. That's the Republicans for you.

Birdman: Let's hope the liberal party comes to action.

Pause.

Dr. Nightmare: I'm Democratic.

Pause.

Birdman: Oh.

Dr. Nightmare: People are focusing on too much on the Republicans and the Liberals, they forgot about the Democrats and the all angle on politics.

Birdman: Not amen.

Dr. Nightmare: What do you mean "not amen"?

Birdman: I'm not Democratic, I'm Liberal, I voted for John Kerry in 2004, Dr. Nightmare.

Dr. Nightmare: Oh, I didn't vote, they focus less on the democratic leader so I forgot who it was so I stayed home and tried to plan a way to kill Bush.

Birdman: Really? Rock the vote!

Dr. Nightmare: Make me!

Birdman: I'm a MTV guy, you know...

Lokar:(suddenly appears on monitor): I'm not!

Lokar gets replaced with Dr. Nightmare.

Dr. Nightmare: Listen, I'm a VH1 guy.

Birdman: Those are old school songs.

Dr. Nightmare: Matter of point, liberals suck.

Birdman: No, screw you.

Dr. Nightmare: Looks like someone doesn't want a lawyer.

Birdman: I want a lawyer.

Dr. Nightmare: You sure said it loud enough!

Birdman: What?

Dr. Nightmare: You don't want a lawyer.

Birdman: I never said that.

Dr. Nightmare: You said "screw you" in my "language" that means, I don't want a lawyer.

Birdman: Oh c'mon Dr. Nightmare, be reasonable.

Dr. Nightmare: Bye, bye Birdman.

Dr. Nightmare disappears from the monitor and is replaced with Spyro.

Spyro: Looks like you lost a lawyer.

Birdman: What? How do you know?

Spyro: The FCC are taping your space phone conversations.

Birdman: They can't do that!

Spyro: Yes they can, they can also install security cameras and get you automatically electrocuted if you swear.

Birdman: No it won't.

Spyro: C'mon Birdman, try it out.

Birdman: Okay then, f(BUZZ)! Oh god...that hurts like Hell.

Spyro: I told you but you didn't believe me.

Birdman: Please Spyro, be my lawyer.

Spyro: What a desperate loser! My clients are your enemies.

Birdman: But you can defend me...behind their back.

Spyro: How stupid can you get?

Birdman: Point is I've got the best lawyer in the southern western hemisphere of the world.

Peter Potamus enters.

Peter: Hey, Birdman, did you get that thing I sent ya?

Birdman runs over to him.

Birdman: This is my lawyer, Peter Potamus.

Peter: Hey Birdman, I ain't no lawyer. I just wondering if you got that thing I sent ya.

Spyro: Please tell me, what is that thing?

Peter: Your mamma, okay, I ain't telling.

Birdman: It's a package full of...

Peter: Shut up!

Birdman: Yeah whatever, you say...what is Peter doing now?

Cut to Peter near the airlock.

Peter: Oh, what's this?

Peter pushes the button and is sucked in space.

Spyro: Well Birdman, see you in court.

Birdman: No, why do you have to see ME at court. I'll see YOU at court.

Spyro: No, I'll see you.

Birdman: I'll see you.

Spyro: No, I'll see YOU in court!

Birdman: Not unless I'm there last.

Spyro: No you don't.

Birdman: I'll see you at court!

Spyro: Wait...we can't argue like this all day...

Birdman: Yes, this is stupid...let's have a race around the world.

Spyro:(V.O): Good idea.

Cut to Spyro in a plane, flying off.

Birdman: Did I forget to mention it was a walking race!

Pause as the engine gets louder.

Birdman: SPYRO! SPYRO! HELLO! SPYRO!

Spyro: THE TRANMISSION IS BREAKING UP!

The transmission breaks up, as it goes through static and lands on a screen with a picture of the bear off Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law getting shocked as it says: "Technical Difficulties, best call technical support at 555-34226".

Birdman: That's just great...

Peanut:(mockingly): You're going to lose!

Birdman: I know, that's the problem. But the poor bear on the screen, is dying slowly.

Cut to the FCC Headquarters as Master Emperor looks out the window.

Master Emperor: Space...it seems to go on for ages...Birdman will die a slow and horrible death, that'll make it all the but sweeter.

An alarm goes off as all of the FCC Swat Members (including the FCC suits who are now dressed in FCC Swat uniform) run off.

Master Emperor: Go to Sunlight Studios!

Cut to the exterior of the ship as individual smaller ships fly off with the Swat members inside them as the bigger ship drives off with Master Emperor and his guards.

Guard:(V.O): HEEEEEEEEEEEE HAW!

Cut inside Sunlight Studios as Phil walks up to Peanut.

Peanut: Phil, I've got nothing more to say to you.

Jace walks in the studio (still naked and blurred).

Phil: I've got nothing more to say to you either!

Phil runs off to Jace as he rubs his fingers against his chest, affectionately.

Phil: Hey hot stuff.

Jace: Can something please explain why there's a black bar on my ass.

Phil: I like a man with a little...mystery.

Jace: Lokar's straight and Phil's gay for me, has this world gone topsy-turvy!

Birdman: Three letters Jace, FCC.

Jace: What's the FCC doing censoring a CABLE show?

Birdman: I brought the FCC to basic cable by airing too much risqué scenes and stuff like that.

Jace: Oh...

All the FCC swat members, guards and then Master Emperor walk in through the door.

Birdman: How did you get through security?

Master Emperor: You mean that bear?

Cut to that bear clapping.

Birdman: Hey, the bear's still alive!

FCC Swat Member #5: We've going to destroy your set Birdman

Birdman: What? Just force me to pay the fine!

Guard: Right, let's bash there noggin!

A guard swings out a crowbar as Space Ghost walks in with a latte.

Space Ghost: Here you go, Master Emperor...

Birdman: SPACE GHOST!

Space Ghost: The very same, I'm now a QUALFIED intern, suck on Zorak's...again!

Birdman: NO thanks.

Master Emperor: Leave Zorak's man juice out of this, it's what caused this problem in the first place

Birdman: Ha Space Ghost, I bet you planned all of this didn't you!

Master Emperor: Who cares, let the highly technologic TV-G Kill Bill-kid-friendly style violence and war begin!

Everyone starts destroying the set.

Phil: Ha, ha...not funny.

Phil gets a chair thrown at him.

Phil: Oh God, if I die! I'm not gay...I just wanted Lokar's 50 bucks for this bet we both had.

Peanut & Jace: Bet?

Master Emperor: You can stop this madness Birdman, if you pay the fine!

Birdman: Never!

Lokar and Jan both walk in.

Lokar: What is going on?

Space Ghost: Everything's going to plan!

Jan: What did we miss?

Birdman: Not much.

Jace: Oh no, Jan and Lokar are making googly-eyes at each other.

Lokar and Jan start dancing to "Time of my Life" as everyone stops and looks at them, while everyone starts smiling as Jace, Phil and Peanut just stare.

Birdman: Yes, continue doing it! Continue!

Master Emperor: This lovely moment almost makes up for episodes of adult content.

Birdman: Does that mean?

Master Emperor: Yes, we have stopped the war and we'll put the Broadcast Standards and Practises back into business.

Birdman: Yes!

Lokar and Jan stop dancing.

Birdman: You did it you two!

Lokar: What? We were only practising for the big dance-off at Couples Night at the Taco King tomorrow.

Jace: Jan, I'm sorry I was so jealous. I think Lokar would make you very happy and Lokar, I'm sorry I called you "Gay-Boy" and "Home-brand".

Lokar: Thanks.

Space Ghost: But, but...you can't do that! That's just a cop-out! Cop-out! COP-OUT!

Master Emperor: Cop out this!

Master Emperor releases the airlock and Space Ghost gets blown into space.

Master Emperor: Let's forget about all this, and let's have a limbo contest!

Everyone: YEAH!

The song "Don't Phunk with My Heart" plays as everyone is lining up to go under the limbo.

Birdman: Thanks for not censoring our show anymore.

Master Emperor: Thank you for letting me neuter Avenger.

Cut to Avenger sweating.

Master Emperor: One step further to being a vet.

Avenger flies off as everyone laughs. End credits as song continues.


	17. Birdman Goes to London

Birdman Coast to Coast

Birdman Goes to London

(Cut to the Birdman crew on a plane.)

Birdman: Book your dentist appointments London, because me, Birdman and the gang are heading to merry old England for a special on-location taping!

(Opening credits.)

Phil: Tonight on Birdman Coast to Coast, British Prime Minister Tony Blair, Kenneth Williams, star of many "Carry On" movies and "Mr. Bean" himself, Rowan Atkinson!

(Cut to the gang waiting at the airport as Space Spectre (from the old Space Ghost cartoons) walks up to them.)

Space Spectre: Hello Birdman, Phil, Peanut, Lokar, Jan, Jace and Avenger. I'm Space Spectre, I'll be your burglar for today.

Birdman: Burglar? We don't want no burglar.

Space Spectre: It's a hold-up okay!

Birdman: Hold-up? Right...

Space Spectre: It's true.

Birdman: Oh really, where's your gun?

Phil: Or your pocket knife?

Peanut: Or your confetti hotplate?

Space Spectre: Well, the police con...what's a confetti hotplate?

Peanut: Never mind.

Space Spectre: Okay, I must do Plan B...my impression of Mentok the Mindtaker.

Phil: Why are you doing to do that?

Space Spectre: Because, so I can rob you! God, can you guys just listen to me?

Lokar: Who's Space Spectre?

Jan: God, Space Spectre...you sunk a new low.

Space Spectre: God, can you just shut up, I'm trying to rob you here!

Jace: Rob us of what?

Space Spectre: _Your dignity_, no YOUR COLD HARD CASH!

Peanut: Okay, whatever you loser.

Space Spectre: Okay, if you won't play fair then...look a flying dolphin is heading towards tackling Osama bin Laden during an NFL game!

Birdman: Where?

(Everyone turns around as Space Spectre takes their money and runs off.)

Birdman: Oh hell, what the Hell is going on?

(The monitor floats up with Tony Blair on it.)

Birdman: It's our first guest Tony Blair.

Tony: Hello Birdman, welcome to England.

Birdman: What's chips?

Phil: You've never heard of Erik Estrada?

Birdman: No...fish and CHIPS!

Tony: Well chips are what you call French fries back in the US.

Birdman: Let's walk...

(The gang start walking.)

Tony: You can walk around Britain, there are a lot of great cities and sites to see, especially my hometown.

Birdman: Which is?

Tony: Not telling.

Birdman: C'mon, I'll tell you my hometown...

Phil: Do you know old I am Birdman...38...

Birdman: I thought you were in your hundreds?

Tony: Whoa...

Phil: Don't listen to him Tony, my age is 38 and his 40.

Peanut: I think I'm 16...

Lokar: How could you be 16 if you were born in...

Peanut: Wisconsin, yes I heard about the terrible fungus thing that caused all the citizens to rapidly age, but...who's counting?

Birdman: What's your hometown, Mr. Tony Blair?

Tony: Birdman, I am the Prime Minster of England.

Birdman: Yes, I know you are. What hometown were you born in?

Tony: Well Birdman, what's your hometown...

Birdman: Don't turn the questioning around.

Tony: Yes?

(Pause as everyone stops walking.)

Birdman: Nantucket, Tony.

Tony: Nantucket?

(Phil grabs out a British magazine called "Down Below Waist Weekly".)

Phil: Everything's all different in England...

Birdman: Actually my hometown isn't Nantucket; it was Massachusetts, the witch burning state.

Peanut: Do I expect to see kiss-ass Canadians while I'm here in London?

Tony: There are lots of wonderful people to see in England.

Peanut: Any of them Canadian hosers?

Lokar: I'm leaving, this episode sucks.

Jan: Me too.

(Lokar and Jan walk off.)

Jace: Lokar and Jan walked off!

Tony: Maybe some Canadians...

Birdman: Tony, have you either swam on The English Channel?

Tony: The English Channel, Birdman? You can't swim in it, it's not a television station.

Birdman: Then why is it a "channel"?

Tony: I didn't name the place...

Birdman: Yes you did...

(Pause.)

Tony: Geez Birdman, you sure are changing lanes.

Birdman: Uh, that's when you're wrong...

Phil: Birdman can drive faster on the carpool lane, do they have carpool lanes in London?

Tony: That's a bit ridiculous Birdman, for a car to have its own pool.

Birdman: While we're talking about blank-pool, what's up with Liverpool? Is it full of talking livers?

Tony: Precisely.

(Pause.)

Tony: How long are your legs?

Birdman: Not too short, not too long.

Tony: Maybe...maybe you should get a ruler and...measure how long your legs are.

Birdman: Or I can inviso out and cut off everyone else's legs, use it measure how long my leg is and presto!

Tony: Gosh Birdman, I can see England will enjoy your company over here...

Birdman: In good company, eh Tony? Good movie.

Phil: But...

Birdman: But I've never seen it...what's sort of name is Topher, Tony?

Tony: Tofu food?

Birdman: No, Topher...Topher Grace.

Peanut: Dennis Quaid, where have I seen him in.

Tony: Birdman, Topher...is a pretty unusual name.

Birdman: Yes, very unusual...how long is your spinal colon?

Tony: Spinal colon?

Birdman: Yes, measure it.

Tony: Um...you sure this isn't going fast for anyone.

Jace: I'd like to say...that Jan and Lokar ran off.

Phil: Ha, ha...si-curious.

Tony: Bi-curious, you mean?

Birdman: You calling me Bi-sexual Mr. Tony Blair?

Tony: Maybe yes, maybe no.

Birdman: Maybe yes, maybe on eh?

Tony: Yes, exactly.

Birdman: Cut your body open and make your spinal fluids fall out and put in a jar and let me give it to Avenger for him to drink.

Avenger: Caw...

Birdman: Tony, Avenger's really a thirsty bird.

Avenger: Caw...

Birdman: He'd even settle for blood.

Tony: I don't think it's not reasonable to drink someone's blood.

Birdman: He'll settle for anything because his my bird.

Tony: Your bird?

Birdman: My pet eagle...

Avenger: Caw...

Birdman: Avenger's getting angry, Peanut...give him your blood.

Tony: The Tower of London is here somewhere...

Birdman: Uh, yes...The Tower of London, they're bound to have blood there.

Avenger: CAW!

Birdman: Okay Tony, where's this tower thing?

Tony: The Goodies?

Birdman: Is that a name of pot brownies?

Tony: No.

Birdman: Because drugs are bad.

Tony: Yes, I know...

Birdman: Drugs are so bad, I hardly recommend them.

Tony: The number #1 British movie to see is...I forgot, let me refresh my memory.

Birdman: The Tower of London, Tony...Avenger needs a drink and fast.

Tony: The Tower of London is on...which street again?

Birdman: You're a very unthinkable person, aren't you?

Tony: It started years ago when...

Birdman: The Tower of London is near the north of London isn't it?

Tony: Maybe...

(Pause. Cut to Lokar and Jan walking into an orchestra as a rich man wearing a fancy suit, monocle and a fancy top hat walks up to Lokar.)

Rich Man: Hello, I'm Mr. Rich...I'm the investor of this orchestra.

Lokar: Hello Mr...

Mr. Rich: Call me Dirk...Dirk Rich...

(Dramatic sting. Cut to commercial. Act 2. Cut to Birdman and the gang (except Lokar and Jan) in a pub with Tony Blair still on the monitor.)

Birdman: So we're in a British bar, Tony?

Tony: Well in Britain, it's called a "pub".

Birdman: A pub?

Phil: They better serve scotch!

Bartender: What will it be?

Phil: Scotch!

Bartender: And?

Phil: More scotch.

Bartender: And?

Phil: Lots more scotch.

Bartender: We don't serve scotch here.

Phil: What?

Bartender: You have a choice of beer, Cranberry Schnapps' or wine.

Phil: I'll have wine then.

Birdman: I'll have non-alcoholic alcohol with shrimp.

Jace: I'll have a Cranberry Schnapps.

Birdman: Hey, Jace...why in the first season...you acted weird.

Jace: What?

Phil: Yeah, you acted funny.

Peanut: As if you were homosexual.

Jace: Oh that, all my girly-type things...I don't know, I suppose I was hanging out with Jan too much.

Birdman: Really?

Bartender: Holy Virgin Mary of the Satanic Catholic church, it's Tony Blair, prime minister of England...would you like some scotch Mr. Blair.

Tony: Certainly.

Phil: Hey!

Bartender: Oh man, the prime minister is here...I better get fancy!

(The bartender puts on a top hat.)

Phil: I wanted a scotch!

Peanut: Or was that you were acting like a...

(Cut to Judge Mentok in a kiddie pool with a floatie thing doing his "dingling-a-ling" thing.)

Jace: Stop accusing me Peanut and Birdman!

Phil: Hey, the service here sucks.

Bartender: Well, Tony Blair was here, he asked for a scotch and I shall give it to him.

Tony: Yes, that's true.

Phil: No, you asked him and he said "yes".

Tony: Not exactly.

Phil: What do you mean "not exactly".

Tony: I actually said "certainly".

Phil: Big whoop, I'm out of here!

(Phil walks out the bar.)

Jace: Hey guys, Phil just left.

Birdman: What then?

Jace: OKAY, I ADMIT IT! I LOVE JAN!

(Pause.)

Birdman: I wasn't expecting that.

Peanut: Me neither...

(Peanut stares over at the stool were Phil was sitting.)

Peanut: Hey, Phil, Jan and Lokar are gone!

Birdman: They are!

Jace: That's what I was saying before!

Birdman: Were you?

Tony: Yes, well in England, it's very customary to...give a tip.

Birdman: Give a tip?

Tony: Yes, give a tip?

Birdman: You want to plug something don't you?

Tony: Yes.

(Pause.)

Birdman: Okay.

Tony: Give me a tip.

(Pause.)

Birdman: Okay...politics is a big important position so put in a good word for...

Peanut:(popping in): Pie!

Tony: I'll think about it.

(Cut to a slice of pie lying on a podium with posters plastered all over the walls saying "Vote for Pie".)

Audience: FOUR MORE YEARS OF PIE! FOUR MORE YEARS OF PIE! FOUR MORE YEARS OF PIE!

(Cut back to the pub.)

Tony: But...I was thinking about getting some money...

(Pause.)

Birdman: Um...uh, oh you're fired.

(Tony spontaneously combusts.)

Birdman: Holy stolen lava from a volcano across the street!

(Cut to Phil walking into "Down Below Waist Strip Clubs".)

Phil: Oh my God, it's like I died I went into Heaven, and then they found out all the threesomes I've had over the past 115 years so they sent me to Hell and Hell was this place.

(A ugly old stripper walks up to Phil.)

Ugly Old Stripper: Want me to make you horny, governor?

Phil: I'm no governor...

Ugly Old Stripper: That's too bad, because the girls here dig governors.

(Phil stares at all the other "pretty" strippers.)

Phil: Well...I am the governor of the greatest country in the world...

Ugly Old Stripper: Australia?

(Pause.)

Phil: No USA.

(Cut to Lokar sitting with Jan and Dirk Rich.)

Lokar: So Dirk, you own this orchestra?

Dirk: Well I just purchased it with some money I found on the ground.

Lokar: Jolly good, yes, jolly good...my ancestry originated in England.

Dirk: Well my father was British and in the '60s...I was a...hard working man and by the end in the middle '70s after I got laid off I moved here.

Lokar: You moved in the orchestra? I could've sworn you said you only had bought this place where dreams are made today?

Dirk: Yeah, I mean I moved here, here is England and I was living like a poor person for years.

Lokar: When where you born?

Dirk: I cannot say.

Lokar: Why not? C'mon...

Dirk: No.

Lokar: Well this is my girlfriend of two weeks, Jan.

Jan: Hi.

Lokar: She's a jolly good sport...before I met her...I was gay.

(Pause.)

Dirk: Well, either way you're a jolly good fellow.

Lokar: Thank you.

(Cut to Peanut, Jace, Birdman & Kenneth Williams (on monitor) in the streets.)

Peanut: So...you like Jan huh, Jace?

Jace: What? Oh, I just blurted that out.

Birdman: Leave him alone Peanut; he can't say he has feelings for her until he knows that she does as well.

Jace: His with Lokar now, that's it.

Birdman: Okay.

Kenneth Williams: Do I get introduced?

Birdman: Probably.

Jace: Why did you act weird in the first season Birdman?

Birdman: Like what you mean?

Jace: The whole...constant swearing, the whole rock music video thing in "Voices", you just acted weird.

Birdman: Didn't you see episode 10 "Pills", it was the medication I took that made me act odd.

Jace: I thought "Pills" was episode 12?

Birdman: "Second Pilot" and "Sad Times" don't count because they were special presentations, so the order actually goes in the first season "Voices", "Lawyer Stuff", "Breakdown", "Gunfire n' Stuff", "Avenger-Proof Security", "Send in the Birdmen", "Spanish Music", "Peanut and the Galaxy Trio", "XXX", "Pills", "Unaired" and "Halloween".

Jace: I thought "Unaired" was a special presentation? And I thought "Halloween" was before "Unaired"

Birdman: Oh jeez does it really matter?

Jace: I suppose not.

Kenneth Williams: Have you seen all of the "Carry On" movies?

(Pause.)

Birdman: Oh right, I forgot to introduce you...ladies and gentlemen, second guest of the night, er...day, please say welcome to Kenneth Williams.

Kenneth Williams: Glad to be here.

Birdman: That's great.

Kenneth Williams: Have you seen all of the "Carry On" movies, Birdman?

Birdman: I skipped through, like...ten of them, how many "Carry On" movies are their...26?

Kenneth Williams: I think so, yes.

Birdman: Oh...and the series of "Carry On" movies started...when?

Kenneth Williams: 60s.

Birdman: And ended when?

Kenneth Williams: 70s, 80s, 90s...I'm not quite sure enough.

Birdman: Probably 70s and 80s.

Kenneth Williams: Probably yes.

Birdman: Aren't you the guy from those "Austin Powers" movies as well.

Kenneth Williams: Yes, you are right on that account.

Birdman: What account?

Peanut: Bank account.

Birdman: I'm right on that bank account? What am I right...about?

Peanut: I don't know what're your right on?

(An agent walks by and stops to talk to Peanut.)

Agent: Honey baby, do you know who I am?

Peanut: I don't know.

Agent: Well what matters is, I know who you are and I can make you rich, and I mean stupid rich.

Peanut: Well...what will I be doing?

Agent: Acting.

Peanut: I can't do acting.

Agent: Hey, you're acting like you like this guy.

(Agent points to Birdman.)

Birdman: Peanut likes me.

Agent: Yeah, I know he likes me...because I'm planning to make him richer then Richie Rich.

Peanut: Wait, wait...will I be doing movies or shows.

Agent: Movies.

Peanut: Okay, movies...

Agent: Your co-star will be Kenneth Williams.

Kenneth Williams: Did something say my name?

Agent: And your other co-star is Space Ghost.

Peanut: Okay, who else is in it?

Agent: Blue Falcone.

Peanut: I'm in, what about you Kenneth?

Kenneth Williams: I'll come with you.

(The Agent walks off with Peanut and Kenneth on the monitor.)

Birdman: Where do you think you're all going? Mm, first Jan and Lokar leave...

(Cut back to the orchestra.)

Lokar: Dirk, how come you're not telling me about your past?

Dirk: Because, my past isn't that important.

Jan: Did you do something terrible in your past?

Dirk: No! But my past ain't important!

(Cut back to Birdman.)

Birdman: Then Phil leaves.

(Cut back to the strip club. Phil is wearing an American flag while women dance around.)

Phil: I'm Governor Phil Ken Sebben...of the America...ha, ha patriotism.

(Cut back to Birdman.)

Birdman: Then Peanut and Kenneth leave for some movie part...

(Cut to the studio where Peanut, Kenneth (on monitor) and Space Ghost are on the set.)

Cameraman: In three, guys.

Space Ghost: Who am I reading with?

(Cut back to Birdman.)

Birdman: Either everyone hates me, or is going great things while I'm stuck interviewing some British actor guys I've never heard of, well you know what...I'm am going to get my face on TV!

(Dramatic music sting. Pause.)

Birdman: Who am I talking to?

(Cut to commercial. Act 3. Birdman is walking down the street on the footpath.)

Birdman: I'm going to go to the BBC and ask them for my own show in Britain, yeah that's what I'm going to do and when the guys lose all their things, they'll be crawling back to me...God, I have been acting weird lately. Too much pills.

Homeless Man:(walking past): Who are you talking to?

Birdman: Myself.

(Birdman walks off.)

Homeless Man: Man he is crazy, he even admitted he was talking to himself, oh God...who am I talking to? Okay, okay...if people ask, I'm talking to Rowan Atkinson.

(Rowan floats past the Homeless Man in the monitor.)

Rowan: Birdman, wait!

Homeless Man: Well bye, bye Rowan Atkinson, oh man I'm still talking to myself, I'M CRAZY! WAAAAAAAAAA! Chicka-a-chicka whoop, whoop! Chicka-a-chicka whoop, whoop! I'm a funny man sailor, I own a robot tailor! Oh man, I'm gone crazy, I've gone nuts! Hahaha, nuts. Oh God, I'm still crazy! Wait a moment, crazy people don't talk to themselves, right...that means I'm not crazy, oh God who am I kidding, I am crazy! God, I'm crazy! I'm crazy! I'm crazy! God, I'm crazy, and I'm talking to myself! Crazy people don't talk to themselves, but I'm not crazy, or am I crazy I don't know I'm so crazy I don't even know what I'm doing here, gah! I'm crazier then that guy off that '80s show with the black van that had a red stripe! God! I'm still talking to myself! Someone please help, think of the children. Think of the children Homeless Man, think of the children, think of the homeless children in Africa, who are suffering because I've gone crazy! Gah! I'm still talking to myself but I'm not crazy, I'm so crazy I don't even understand a word that I'm saying! I can't believe the gibberish that is spouting out of my mouth! God, it's like a rollercoaster full of words, gah! Rollercoaster! I'm scared of roller coasters! Gah! I keep saying "gah" a lot don't I, God, hey...I say God a lot as well. Shut up Homeless Man, no you shut up mouth, no you shut up, I asked first, did not, I'm going crazy! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

(Homeless Man spontaneously combusts. Cut to the orchestra.)

Dirk: Do you like velvet ropes.

Lokar: I loved Velvet Soup.

Dirk: I asked about velvet ropes.

Lokar: Oh velvet ropes are a delightful romp.

Jan: Why you guys talk, why don't I look around the place.

Dirk: Okay sure.

Lokar: Tar, tar lover.

Jan: Tar, tar.

(Jan walks off.)

Lokar: I sleep with her...in my velvet bed.

Dirk: Velvet bed, that's dumb.

Lokar: Velvet Soup, now that's dumb.

Dirk: Oh yeah.

(Jan is looking in the kitchen.)

Jan: I don't care if his past is unimportant, I'm going to have a look for myself.

(Jan is shuffling in the kitchen when she grabs hold of a yellow piece of paper and reads.)

Jan:(reading) Mr. Spectre, please note the court has approved of changing you name from Space Spectre to Dirk Rich!

(Dramatic chord.)

Jan: Space Spectre, he robbed us when we got off the plane! That means he must've lied about trying to get his daughter to go shopping with me.

(Dirk (or Space Spectre) walks from the shadows behind Jan in his Space Spectre costume.)

Space Spectre (or Dirk): Tsk, tsk Jan, I tried telling you my past was unimportant and you went sleuthing anyway, just like Nancy Drew well just so you won't blab to the police I'll have to do something so drastic...

Jan: Have sex with me, right?

Space Spectre: Damn, read me like a book...okay, I'll kidnap you and lover bug back in the main room!

(Lokar walked in.)

Lokar: I smelt a Nancy Drew mentioning, what's going on...Space Spectre! Wha...where's Dirk?

Space Spectre: Ask Sleuthly McSleuth over there.

Jan: Space Spectre IS Dirk; he changed his name and put on a fancy outfit so he can change his personality and his going to...

(Space Spectre puts Lokar and Jan in a dodgeball sack and runs off. Cut back to the strip club.)

Phil: Everyone as the Governor of the United States I say that we shall...

(The REAL Governor walks in.)

Governor: I'm the Governor of the United States, howdy you do everyone.

Blonde Stripper: Wait how could you be the Governor, when Phil's the governor?

Phil: Okay everyone, I lied...I'm not the actual Governor.

Brunette Stripper: Why didn't you say so?

Phil: So you're not mad at me!

Blonde Stripper: Of course we are, you lied to us for 18 minutes, girls, let's kick him out!

(Phil is thrown out on to the footpath.)

Phil: Well, that was a pretty good 18 minutes or so; I wonder where the rest are.

(Phil walks off. Cut back to the movie studio.)

Space Ghost:(trying to do British accent) Okay, fellas'...

Director: Cut!

Peanut: What now?

Director: Space Ghost, why don't you just put a little more in your British acting?

Space Ghost: I can't act British Mr. Director, I'm a Ghost Planetoidal.

Director: C'mon, just try a little harder.

Space Ghost: That's it, I can't work under these conditions, the green room's actually brown, the trailers are just remote homes, the dressing rooms aren't rooms dressing up, I can't take this! I quit!

(Space Ghost walks off.)

Director: Oh boy.

Peanut: We can still do the movie without him alright?

Kenneth Williams: Yeah, c'mon.

Director: Well the movie's nothing without Space Ghost, in fact it's called "Space Ghost Goes England" and what, rename it to "Peanut and Kenneth Williams Go England", I don't think so.

Peanut: Well that's the end of my acting career before it even started, well...see ya Kenneth.

(Peanut walks off. Birdman walks into BBC Studios.)

Birdman: Hi, may I speak to the person in charge of the BBC?

Receptionist: Do you have an appointment Mr...

Birdman: Birdman...Harvey Birdman.

Receptionist: Harvey Birdman, host of that terrible talk show in America?

Birdman: The very one.

Receptionist: The same Harvey Birdman who has that show were his a lawyer?

Birdman: Yep...what?

Receptionist: Eh, what's your business?

(Rowan Atkinson floats up to Birdman in the monitor.)

Birdman: Oh I almost forgot last guest of the night er, day Rowan Atkinson he plays Mr. Bean.

Rowan Atkinson: Pitching a show hey, Birdman. Why wasn't I invited?

Receptionist: You got Mr. Bean to be on the show you're going to pitch.

Birdman: Uh, yeah...

Receptionist: Rejected.

Birdman: Excuse me?

Receptionist: Rejected, you heard me.

(Birdman and Rowan walk (or float) out the BBC as everyone meets up (except Jan and Lokar.)

Birdman: Phil, Peanut! Jace, what happened to you?

(Jace walks in with bruises and cuts all over him.)

Jace: You left me with that homeless man while I was sleeping on that pole! And he was a CRAZY homeless man, he combusted, true story.

Birdman: Everyone's here now oh man...I was going to pitch a show to BBC so I do something exciting, like you guys were supposedly doing...wait a minute, where is Jan and Lokar?

(Space Spectre runs on the street with the dodgeball sack.)

Birdman: Look who it is, Mr. McRobs Us for Our Money.

Lokar:(V.O): HELP US!

Space Spectre: Shut up in there!

Birdman: Lokar's in that sack, that ultimately means Jan is in there as well! We need to follow them...

(Pause.)

Phil: Well you can fly.

Birdman: There's a motorcycle!

(Birdman sits on the motorcycle.)

Birdman: Get on Rowan.

(Rowan hovers on as Birdman drives off as he follows Space Spectre as he is running faster.)

Space Spectre: I don't have your two rats in here, stop following me!

Birdman: Never!

(Birdman drives through a street corner while Space Spectre continues running as he passes by a police car.)

Policeman: Isn't that Space Spectre.

Policeman #2: Better go check.

(The police begin to follow Space Spectre.)

Jan:(V.O): Let us go!

Space Spectre: Not until "Survivor" gets cancelled!

Lokar:(V.O): That'll be forever!

(Birdman catches up to Space Spectre and runs him down as several police cars stop and they all come out.)

Birdman: Space Spectre, we all know you have Lokar and Jan in the sack.

Space Spectre: Okay, you can have them back, I didn't want them anyway.

(Lokar and Jan walk out of the dodgeball sack.)

Policeman: Space Spectre, you're under the arrest for kidnapping.

Birdman: And robbing us too.

Policeman: And you robbed this people, man you are low...

(Policeman handcuff Space Spectre and put him in the car and drive off.)

Birdman: C'mon everyone, let's go home.

(Pause.)

Birdman: Well?

(Everyone walks off.)

Everyone: Yeah, yeah we're going.

(Cut to them flying in the plane.)

Birdman: What a great vacation, pity it only lasted 30 minutes.

Phil: Will we could all say we did at least one thing in London that we liked.

Jace: I didn't.

Phil: That's because no-one likes you.

(Everyone laughs.)

Birdman: I couldn't help but forget someone.

(Cut to Rowan on the motorcycle.)

Rowan: Hello?

(End credits.)


	18. Normal Music

Birdman Coast to Coast

Normal Music

(Cut to evil meeting ground as X, the Eliminator is meeting up with the FEAR group.)

FEAR Boss: X, we hired you 41 years ago to get the crest on Birdman's helmet.

X: Yes, I'm fully aware.

FEAR Boss: We need you to infiltrate his talk show and act as a spy to retrieve it. You were very close last time you infiltrated his talk show, then...you mucked it up by getting arrested.

X: But, uh...that was a prank, remember?

(Pause.)

X: Also I could've sworn you hired me 39 years ago.

FEAR Boss: Does it really matter?

X: Okay, it's your business...I WILL ELIMINATE BIRDMAN AND GIVE YOU HIS CREST! Away!

(X imitates a cape-waving effect as everyone stares.)

X: Or, I'll just go in my Commodore.

(Opening credits.)

Phil: Tonight on Birdman Coast to Coast, band U2. That's it, just...the band U2. Here's your host...

(Set. Birdman crashes through the set.)

Birdman: BIRRRRDMAN!

Peanut: And Peanut.

Avenger: Caw.

Birdman: Avenger said hi, viewers at home.

Avenger: Caw caw.

Birdman: He also said to suck his...I can't say that on TV Avenger!

Avenger: Caw, caw.

Birdman: Oh, you can now. Okay. Bring out my guests the band U2 Avenger.

(U2 appear on the monitor.)

Birdman: Hello U2.

Lokar: Rock sockers.

Birdman: I know that we couldn't get your favourite band the "The Three Tenors" but, they asked me to rub their heads in mustard and French Fries and that they'll think about coming on the show.

Bono: Greetings universe.

Birdman: What's your first name?

(Pause.)

Adam Clayton: My name is Adam Clayton.

Birdman: I asked Bono what's his name.

(X appears on the monitor.)

X: Hello again Birdman!

Birdman: Hello, is this...my manager?

X: Uh, it's X, you know...the eliminator.

Birdman: Right, right...you caught me on a bad time here, could you wait until, uh...the show's over.

X: Of course, of course Birdman.

Birdman: Okay, Avenger get him off my monitor.

X: Guess again Birdman.

(Avenger pulls the level down and X disappears and U2 replaces him.)

Bono: My first name's Greg.

(Pause.)

Birdman: No it's not.

Bono: You're right, you're right it's really Paul.

Birdman: Okay.

Bono: But friends call me Bono.

Birdman: Okay, Paul...

Bono: Call me...call me Bono.

Phil: Ha, ha...boner.

Larry Mullen Jnr.: How you're going Phil?

Phil: Okay, okay.

Larry Mullen Jnr: Cool.

The Edge: Yeah, awesome.

Larry Mullen Jnr: My name's Larry Mullen Jnr.

The Edge: Mine's Dave Evans and his Adam.

Adam Clayton: Yeah, I'm Adam Clayton.

Birdman: Okay, we've gotten the introductions settled...

(Control room. Avenger is watching the show on the monitor.)

Birdman: (on monitor) Do you have an album coming out soon?

Bono: (on monitor) Do we have an album coming out soon, Dave.

The Edge: (on monitor) Only if you're good, Birdman.

(X disrupts the transmission on Avenger's monitor.)

X: Hello Avenger.

Avenger: Caw?

(Cut back to the set.)

Birdman: Quiet Avenger, I'm trying to conduct an interview here.

Lokar: Rock sockers.

Jace: Stop saying that!

Jan: Leave my boyfriend alone.

Lokar: Rock sockers.

(Cut back to the control room. X is searching through his stuff.)

X: Now, where's my brainwashing kit.

Avenger: Uh, caw?

X: Damn toolboxes.

(X pulls out a "Birdman Coast to Coast" Season One DVD.)

X: I haven't watched my bootleg Birdman Coast to Coast DVD yet, oh well.

(X throws it out. Cut back to the set.)

Bono: You see the Backstreet Boys were jealous!

Birdman: Fascinating.

Lokar: While we're getting old rockers, let's get The Rolling Stones won't that be a treat, a band of people who's older then Phil.

Birdman: Uh, yeah.

Lokar: If you didn't notice from my voice Birdman, I was being sarcastic.

Bono: They were jealous because...

Birdman: You're Irish?

Bono: Yeah, I suppose you can say that yeah...

Birdman: Are you a leprechaun?

(Lokar coughs.)

Bono: I'm...not a leprechaun.

Larry Mullen Jnr: Yeah.

The Edge: No, his not, his not a...whatever you said.

Birdman: I said leprechaun.

(Cut back to the control room.)

X: Listen Avenger, I've lost my brainwashing kit but I found my "Brainwashing for Dummies" book.

(X reaches out said book.)

X: It says here to click my hands and say what I want to say and...

(Avenger pulls the lever and he disappears from the monitor and the set replaces it.)

Birdman: (on monitor) I was having a brain freeze, which is way I was saying your leprechaun.

(Cut back to the set.)

Birdman: I tell you who's really a leprechaun.

Bono: Um...I don't know, enlighten us.

Larry Mullen Jnr: Yeah.

Birdman: Shado the Brain Thief.

Lokar: ROCK SOCKERS!

Birdman: You've been being whiney all night just because we couldn't get your band, you know what Lokar, you're a rock socker...because you're fired!

Lokar: What, but...this job is everyone to me.

Birdman: Get out your bags and leave by commercial break.

Jan: You can't fire my boyfriend! (while Jace is thinking) Birdman, you were out of line, you can't fire someone unless they do something wrong, you know what Birdman?

Birdman: (while Jace is thinking) What?

Jace: (thinking to self) Why can't she be mine...she's so pretty and smart, and her boyfriend is some locust that was once gay...

Jan: I quit!

Jace: Yeah, what?

Birdman: You can't quit on me Jan.

Jan: I'm going to see if I can finish my tell-all book on Space Ghost, and chapters about you Birdman...and, we were going to keep it a secret, but I'm also moving in with my boyfriend Lokar.

Jace: What? You can't do that!

(Jace stands up.)

Jace: I won't allow you!

Jan: To do what, write my book?

(Jace sits down.)

Jace: Never mind.

Birdman: Well, I'm disappointed that you've chosen to leave the show Jan but, the show must go on...Peanut?

Peanut: What?

Birdman: Search for two replacements for Jan and Lokar, until then Jace has to do all the music.

Jace: Oh great.

Bono: Did I forget to mention, how wonderful it is to be on your show?

Birdman: Yeah, you did forget.

Jan: C'mon Lokar, let's go.

Bono: It's very wonderful to be on your show.

Lokar: Lets, oh now I'll have to find a new job.

(Jan, Lokar and Peanut walk off back stage as X disrupts the transmission.)

Birdman: What now, X?

X: I want my demands to be met, I want a...

Birdman: That's great, Jace play us out to commercial.

(Pause.)

Birdman: Play as out to commercial, Jace!

(Pause.)

Birdman: Jace, hello...hello? Play us out to com...

(Cut to commercial. Cut back to the set as Birdman is tapping his cue cards then stops.)

Birdman: Welcome back to the show loyal viewers, if you've just joined us, U2 was shedding some light on Bono's Irish thing...uh, Avenger (sees X still on monitor) where's U2?

X: And I want a robot tailor and a confetti hotplate, oh and your crest and for you to be dead.

Birdman: I thought you were supposed to get rid of him on commercial.

(Cut to the control room.)

X: (on monitor) Also a little brother.

Avenger: Ugh, caw, caw.

(Avenger pulls down the lever as X disappears and U2 reappears. Cut back to the set.)

Birdman: Welcome back to the show U2.

Adam Clayton: Hello again.

Bono: Yes hello.

The Edge: Has anyone ever told you that you have one of those voices...

Birdman: One of those voices what?

The Edge: That sounds...really professional like.

Birdman: Thank you.

Larry Mullen Jnr: No, you're not pretty.

Birdman: I didn't say I was.

Larry Mullen Jnr: You're just not Birdman!

Birdman: Um...okay.

Bono: You hear that.

(Pause.)

Birdman: Um...okay. Yeah, um...I do hear that.

Bono: Yeah.

Phil: Birdman, how come...I'm not having any real lines tonight?

Birdman: Peanut didn't really have any lines.

Phil: But his doing something, I'm just standing here in this announcer booth by myself.

Birdman: Yeah, well...you're just an announcer; you announce things like who's on tonight, when it's commercial, when the show's over, what guests are next week. You know.

Phil: That's it?

(Pause.)

Birdman: Yeah.

Phil: Yeah, well...yeah.

Birdman: I hope that's settled.

Phil: Yep.

Birdman: Because, you know...I really need to get back to my guests.

Phil: Okay.

Birdman: You got your job now.

Phil: Yeah.

Birdman: Good, okay back to U2.

The Edge: Hey.

Birdman: Do any of you like cheese?

(Pause.)

Bono: I like cheese.

Birdman: Oh, you like cheese.

Bono: Cheese, cheese is okay.

Birdman: Jace play some "cheese music".

Jace: What's cheese music?

Birdman: You know, reggae type of music with...cheesiness.

Jace: Is cheese music even real?

Birdman: Probably not, just play cheese music alright.

Jace: Actually, I'm better on a saxophone.

Birdman: Oh whatever, play some cheese music.

Larry Mullen Jnr: Isn't cheese music that music, with, uh that...

Adam Clayton: Hippish feel to it.

Bono: I think so.

The Edge: Yeah, I think it is.

Birdman: That's what cheese music is Jace.

Jace: I can't do this, without Jan.

Birdman: Anyone can, okay.

Jace: Can what?

Birdman: Do it?

Jace: Could they do it without Jan?

Birdman: Anyone could work without Jan, because there's a chance people don't know Jan, so play some music.

Jace: Play some music...okay.

(Jace plays music by running around the band stand hitting stuff which projects an awful sound as everyone covers their ears, Jace then stops and everyone stops covering their ears.)

Birdman: That wasn't cheese music.

Jace: I don't know what cheese music is, okay!

Birdman: Okay, sure...whatever.

Larry Mullen Jnr: It's cool.

Birdman: Yeah, Jace.

Jace: Can we just lay off the whole cheese music thing, alright?

Birdman: Okay, okay...whatever you say.

Jace: Okay.

Birdman: So, um...Bono, on the whole leprechaun thing.

Bono: I'm not a leprechaun.

Birdman: His not a leprechaun.

(X disrupts the transmission.)

Birdman: What now, X?

X: Once I thou learn the address of your studios, I'll get a space taxi here so fast that when I get here, you'll think I'm a fly...a fly, who'll...get your crest and kill you.

(Dramatic music.)

Birdman: Yeah, yeah...tell someone who cares.

X: I have a friend who cares.

Birdman: Avenger, cut him off.

X: I'm afraid he can't do that an...

(X disappears from the monitor and U2 reappear.)

Birdman: That's a good bald eagle.

Jace: I can't believe Jan left and...

Birdman: Who are you talking to?

Jace: Uh...

Birdman: I'm just asking because you know...

Jace: Know what?

Birdman: Only crazy people talk to themselves.

Jace: I'm just sad.

Birdman: Sad that you're the only one here that's in the band, don't worry when Peanut comes back with the two new recruits you'll be happy.

Jace: It's...not that.

Birdman: Oh, is it now?

Jace: No, it wasn't that.

Birdman: Your Paris Hilton religion isn't working out...

Jace: Uh, no...I got kicked out for them realising I'm actually a guy, but that's not why I'm sad.

(Phil runs into the set wearing a doctor outfit with a clipboard.)

Phil: Is it constant erections.

Jace: No.

Phil: (during Jace's line) Ha, ha erections.

Birdman: Phil, what are you doing?

Phil: Conducting a test Birdman, is it diaherra Jace?

Jace: No.

Phil: Upset tummy...ha, ha kid's word.

Jace: No.

Phil: Talk-a-lot-proyosis?

Jace: No.

Phil: Jacuzzi rash?

Jace: No.

Phil: AIDS, Hepatitis, Up Syndrome, Down Syndrome, HIV...

Jace: No, no, no, no and no.

Phil: So it isn't some sort of condition that's doing you know any harm. Is it something heart-related then?

Jace: Yes, sort of.

Phil: My diagnosis is that his going to have a heart attack!

(Phil runs off, and slides down and puts his fingers in his ears.)

Birdman: Phil, what are you doing?

Phil: His heart is going to attack, itself or explode or something, ha, ha...confusion.

Bono: So, you don't know what cheese music is?

Birdman: Oh no.

Phil: Block your ears U2, someone's heart is about to explode!

Jace: My heart's not going to explode Phil.

Phil: Who's the doctor here, Jace?

Jace: Okay, but Dr. Ken Sebben, uh...

Phil: Call me Dr. Phil...

(Pause.)

Jace: Okay, Dr. Phil.

Phil: He said okay, that means his heart is going to explode!

Birdman: No it's not.

Phil: Didn't I tell you punk rockers to block your ears!

(U2 block their ears as they look at each other and giggle.)

Phil: Okay, that's better.

Birdman: I don't think U2 is a rock band either.

Phil: Then what is it Birdman, a circus, haha...clowns.

Birdman: Well, Phil...

Phil: That's Dr. Phil...

(Pause.)

Birdman: Isn't he that electrician?

Phil: No.

Birdman: Well Phil...

Phil: Dr. Phil!

Birdman: Dr. Phil, whatever!

Phil: You're fired Birdman from being a lawyer.

Birdman: What...that, that...that came out of left field.

Phil: No one makes fun of my name.

Birdman: I'm not making fun of your name, Phil!

Phil: There you did it again! It's Dr. Phil!

Birdman: Okay Dr. Phil, you're Dr. Phil okay. Now rehire me.

Phil: You suspect me to rehire you after what pain you've caused me.

(U2's ears are unblocked as they laugh hilariously.)

Phil: Stop laughing, you're still jealous because I'm pretty!

(Pause.)

Phil: I mean, your ears are not blocked you know.

Birdman: Okay, Dr. Phil.

Phil: Ken Sebben.

Birdman: Dr. Phil Ken Sebben.

Phil: Place the "Dr." part out because I resign my medical duties.

(Phil stands back up.)

Phil: Birdman is rehired as lawyer, U2 returns home safely.

The Edge: What?

Phil: Birdman rehires Lokar, Jan wants to get her job back, Peanut comes back. X stops disrupting the transmission and Jace isn't sad anymore. The End.

Birdman: Uh, Phil?

Phil: Yeah?

Birdman: Jan, Lokar and Peanut aren't back yet. Pfft, I don't know about X and Jace.

Jace: I'm still sad.

Birdman: Okay, I don't know about X...

(Pause.)

Birdman: Okay that solves everything.

(U2 disappear from the monitor.)

Birdman: Oh what now?

(Zorbird appears on monitor.)

Zorbird: Dad, how do I get out the bathroom?

Birdman: How do you get out?

Zorbird: Yeah.

Birdman: Well, you...you should know you're 11.

Zorbird: I'm 12.

Birdman: It's all good.

Zorbird: Oh now I remember, you left the instructions in the tub, okay see you dad.

(Zorbird disappears from the monitor and U2 reappear.)

Birdman: I suppose that's tied up nicely.

Jace: Except Jan is still gone from my life.

Birdman: Wait, what did you say?

Jace: Oh, nothing.

Birdman: No you said something about "Jan being gone from your life" or something like that.

Jace: Okay, I'm just mad okay.

Birdman: I thought you were sad?

Jace: Well, I'm a little bit of both how she can go out with that bug, quit the show and then announce she's moving in with Lokar.

Birdman: Oh, so that's tearing you up inside...

Jace: Yeah.

Birdman: Okay then, Phil...why do you still have that doctor outfit on?

Phil: Oh yeah.

(Phil tears off his outfit and his in his normal clothes now.)

Phil: Uh, brisk.

Jace: It's just that...that...I found myself in love with Jan.

Birdman: Yeah, I already know that.

Jace: Wait, how?

Birdman: You told us when you were in London.

Jace: Who do you mean by us?

Birdman: Me, Peanut, Avenger, Tony Blair and possibly Phil if he hadn't already left.

Phil: I don't remember hearing it, I probably left.

Birdman: Yeah, well, that was last week.

Jace: Oh yeah.

Birdman: Anyway, aren't you and Jan siblings?

Jace: Uh...no, why?

Birdman: Oh because I thought you were, if that were true...that'd be sick.

Phil: Yeah, incest relationships are just wrong...

(Peanut walks in with Birdgirl and Peter Potamus.)

Phil: Hello hot mama.

(Phil runs to Birdgirl.)

Birdgirl: Oh god, no dad.

Phil: Damn straight, I'm your daddy.

Birdgirl: I can't believe you still don't know who I am...God.

Phil: I can believe how hot you are, haha...flirtation.

Jace: That's it, I can't work here. I quit.

(Jace walks off.)

Peter Potamus: Hey uh...Birdman, did you get that thing I sent y...

Birdman: Just lay off it already Peter.

Peanut: These are the guys who will replace Jan and Lokar, Birdgirl's on saxophone. Apparently it was her major in music school.

Phil: Funny because my daughter went to music school and saxophone was her major. Haha consequence.

Peanut: And Peter's on acoustic saxophone.

Birdman: Acoustic saxophone? Well, I don't really care how silly that is but Peanut, what are you doing to do about the drum player?

Peanut: A guy was following me and was saying he was going to crack your head open with a drum, his right behind me...I'll hire him.

(Peanut points to X as dramatic music arises.)

X: It looks like we'll be seeing a lot more of each other Birdman...

Birdman: Oh great.

Announcer: Will X kill Birdman and get his crest, will Jan, Lokar and Jace get their jobs back and patch up their differences. Probably not, but I don't really care, I want to see what happens with Birdman and X.

(Cut to commercial. Cut to the set as the camera zooms in to Birdman.)

Announcer: When we last saw Birdman, he had just witnessed his stalker hired as a drum player for his bandleader's talk show band. Let's watch the exciting conclusion!

Birdman: So...X.

X: Yes, Birdman.

Birdman: How was your day?

X: Um, great...why?

Birdman: Good, you're fired.

Peanut: You can't fire him.

Birdman: I fired Lokar didn't I?

Bono: Yeah, his...

The Edge: Right on that account.

Birdman: What account, my robot tailor account, my confetti hotplate account or my bank account?

(Pause.)

Bono: Your bank account.

Birdman: Oh okay then.

Peter Potamus: So...did anyone get the things I sent him.

Everyone Except Peter: No.

Phil: Yes.

(Pause.)

Phil: I mean no.

(Phil walks closer to Birdgirl.)

Phil: So, want to go on a date, pretty woman?

Birdgirl: Um, no...I've got leg hair.

Phil: You can shave that off.

Birdgirl: And armpit hair.

Phil: You can shave that off as well.

X: Hey, Peanut?

Peanut: Yeah, what?

X: Can I uh...go to the bathroom?

Peanut: Oh yeah...sure.

X: Thanks.

(X walks off.)

Birdgirl: I've got...pubic hair!

(Pause.)

Phil: What's so bad about that, if it's so bad you can shave that off?

Birdgirl: Um, uh...

(Birdgirl takes off her shoe.)

Phil: What's that smell?

Birdgirl: Smell that infection.

Phil: You can go to the doctor to fix that.

Birdgirl: There's no breaking your spirits, is there?

Phil: You want a drink of spirits now?

(X is heard coming back, pushing something and grunting as he comes into view he is pushing the machine to get Birdman's power.)

Peanut: Neat machine.

(Dramatic music arises again.)

X: Birdman! Prepare to be destroyed!

Birdman: Oh great...um guys...

(Birdman looks over to U2.)

Birdman: We might call it a night this is going to go for a while.

Bono: Thank you Birdman for having us on your show.

Larry Mullen Jnr: Yep.

The Edge: Appreciate it.

Adam Clayton: A lot.

Birdman: Send them off the monitor Avenger.

(Avenger pushes off the lever as the FEAR Boss replaces U2 on the monitor.)

Birdman: Who's this person?

FEAR Boss: I want to see you when you destroy Birdman, X...uh...what's your name again?

X: X, the Eliminator.

FEAR Boss: X, the Eliminator, yes...destroy Birdman.

Peter Potamus: Did anyone get that thing I sent them?

Phil: Why don't you want to go out on a date with me?

Birdgirl: Well actually...

Peanut: What? Don't destroy Birdman!

X: Just let me turn on the machine.

(X pulls the lever on the machine as it loads up.)

X: Oh, c'mon...c'mon...c'mon!

FEAR Boss: Waste him X, waste him like you've wasted all this time!

(Pause.)

X: There's nothing about that metaphor I like.

FEAR Boss: Hurry up X, I'm late for my 12'o'clock.

X: Just wait a second, still loadin'...still loadin'...c'mon, c'mon, c'mon!

Peanut: The new band hasn't been here for 5 minutes and they have already caused an amount of chaos.

X: Okay, prepare for my deadly...

(X pulls up to "Vice Ray" with the lever.)

X: Vice Ray.

(The lever pulls itself down to "Miami Vice Ray".)

X: Make that Miami Vice Ray.

(The ray shoots out and hits FEAR Boss.)

FEAR Boss: X, you're a menace!

X: Oh, geez I'm sorry...I'm sorry.

(X pulls other levers and the rays take FEAR Boss off the monitor as it's replaced by a "Please Stand By" signal.)

Birdman: Well, not only did you take the leader of the group FEAR's powers, you got him off the monitor.

X: No, I'm pretty sure I killed him as well.

Birdman: Okay...so ah...

X: How many minutes has it been Birdman?

Birdman: Well, it's one minute before the show ends.

X: That gives me enough time to waste you to nothingness!

(X pulls the lever as the machine loads itself up again.)

X: C'mon, c'mon! C'mon!

Birdman: Well, look at the time...

(The power in the studios goes out.)

X: Damn it.

Birdman: Good night everyone. And until next time, drive safely and don't use drugs. Goodnight from us at Birdman Coast to Coast.

X: I'm not done with this Birdman! I'm not...I'm not at al...

(End credits.)


	19. Hipsters Rule

Birdman Coast to Coast

Hipsters Rule

(Cut to X talking to FEAR Boss who's on the monitor in the control room.)

FEAR Boss: What was that happened last week huh?

X: I'm sorry, it just shot out and...

FEAR Boss: No butts, this week...you will kill Birdman this week, even if it means to have dogs humping for like 5 minutes I...

(Cut to two live action dogs humping for a 1 minute. Cut to X in the control room.)

X: I will sabotage Birdman's show by running the third pilot, then while it airs I'll kill Birdman and personally hand you his crest.

Cyclo: I'm on the monitor you know.

X: What?

Cyclo: Wanna make out?

(X gets a tape.)

X: Anyway, the pilot is entitled "Hipsters Rule" made in 2000, Birdman thought this crud would never see the light of day...well he was wrong! Dead wrong!

(Cut to the dogs humping again for a brief pause. Cut back to X.)

X: Time to air the pilot.

(X puts the tape in the monitor as Lokar pops up humping the live action dog in the live action background for a split second. Cut to Lokar sitting on a comfy chair.)

Lokar: Greetings ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the Lokar show, tonight I'll have sex with my compu...

(Cut to Lokar humping his computer for a split second. Cut back to the comfy chair.)

Lokar: Actually it's the third pilot Birdman made in 2000, where he acts like a hipster with Eminem, Dr. Dre and Busta Rhymes enjoy the show lover, kiss, kiss hug, hug...hump, hump, lick, lick, suck, suck.

(The credits for Birdman Coast to Coast run early. Cut to Lokar humping Jan.)

Jan: Oh my God!

Lokar: Roll film!

(Opening credits. Cut to X watching it from the monitor.)

Birdman:(crashing in) Tonight on Birdman Coast to Coast.

Bob: Phil, you missed your cue!

(Opening credits, again.)

Phil: Tonight on Birdman Coast to Coast, Eminem and Dr. Dre and Busta Rhymes.

(Birdman crashes in as it suddenly fast forwards it self cut to "PAUSE TRANMISSION".)

Birdman: My gues...

(Cut to Birdman wearing a blue cap backwards and basic urban-rap clothing as Eminem is on the monitor.)

Eminem: ...and I think it's mean that, animals...are treated that way. If, if I was a...an animal. Or a soccer mom, or both.

Birdman: Right.

Bob: Cut.

Birdman: What?

Bob: You're fine Harvey, you're Harvey, it's just that...I ain't feeling it.

Birdman: Why does the Cartoon Network want me to film a third pilot anyway if the pilots I made in 1994 and 1995 weren't good enough, why would it be good now?

Bob: I don't know ask Eminem.

Eminem: I think...

Birdman: Peanut, Phil, Avenger...you're all fired.

Phil: What?

Peanut: I need to support my family.

Birdman: You don't have a family.

Peanut: Yes I do.

Birdman: No you don't.

(Peanut walks out.)

Birdman: Okay Phil you're a hucklebones Winnebago something, I mean next.

Phil: Worst experience of my life.

(Phil walks out.)

Birdman: Okay, whatever...Avenger, off.

Avenger: Caw.

Eminem: My smash hit of 1999 I think was...

Avenger: Caw.

Birdman: Yeah, it was caw wasn't it?

Eminem: Caw.

Birdman: Yeah, caw.

Eminem: This show is stupid.

Birdman: Glad, you like it.

(Avenger flies off.)

Bob: Cut.

Birdman: What?

Bob: You fired the gang, why?

Birdman: Where have you been?

Bob: Uh, that's not important and...

Birdman: Because I only fired them because Eminem suggested that I did.

Eminem: Nah, I didn't.

Birdman: Yes you did.

Bob: You can't do the show your self Birdman.

Birdman: Why?

(Pause.)

Bob: Are you high?

Birdman: No, it's just that...

Bob: Because if you are I'll have to fire you.

(Pause.)

Birdman: I'm not high.

Eminem: Um, how much money is in...doing a talk show?

Birdman: A lot of money Slim.

Eminem: Uh...

Birdman: I can call you Slim right?

Eminem: Why not?

Birdman: Um, you were saying Bob?

Bob: You need to hire three replacements for Phil, Peanut and Avenger otherwise the hopes of having your own show, is kapoot Harvey!

Birdman: My name's Harvey!

Bob: I know it is.

Eminem: My name is, is uh...uh.

Birdman: I've got some great ideas for replacements.

Bob: What?

Birdman: The Galaxy Trio.

(Pause.)

Birdman: They're all dead, Birdman!

Bob: What?

Birdman: Whoops, did I say that out loud, I must be going crazy.

Bob: Yeah, well...yeah, The Galaxy Trio would never agree because there are having their own show where they hump dogs, you got that, a band of washed-up superheros humping dogs and we're all sitting here doing some tal...

(Cut to the Galaxy Trio all humping the one live action dog. Cut back to the set.)

Bob: ...k show we were are talking to some, some...yesterday's news.

Birdman: Um, what?

Eminem: Yeah, what?

Bob: He will be yesterday's news in 2007 Birdman.

Birdman: Really. I thought you told me before the show I was yesterday's news now.

Bob: Well that's why we got to jazz it up a bit, you're wearing the outfit clothing picked out for you, but you're not promoting all the network's sponsors.

Birdman: Really? I thought, that would be selling out...

Bob: Birdman, if you want this show to work you'll have to get new people for the show and also sell out! Everyone's doing it Harvey.

Birdman: Really?

Bob: Yes, you've done two pilots already and the show couldn't get off the ground, we gotta lift the "Coast to Coast" theme to something, hip, cool that all the teens are into.

Birdman: Teens are into humping dogs.

Bob: Not a chance...

Birdman: O...kay, teens are also into Zorak, Moltar and Tansut.

(Moltar, Zorak and Tansut walk in and take Avenger, Peanut and Phil's positions.)

Moltar: Hey.

Zorak: Hey.

Tansut: How do you do?

Bob: What, uh...how do you get here?

Moltar: Eminem gave us the signal that something was going on.

Eminem: No.

Birdman: Eminem, try out...Boost Mobile. Was that out in 2000?

Bob: What, it is 2000, point is what's going on, please...enlighten me.

Zorak: Right, we found out Birdman fired his crew for like, no reason and we found out he had to sell out and be all hip and urban so he can reach the teenage demographic, so...so I was thinking we come here and work things out.

Birdman: Eminem.

Eminem: Yeah.

Birdman: You tricked me.

Eminem: No, no I didn't.

Birdman: Maybe it's time you have a taste of my destructo-ray!

Tansut: Space Ghost's the one with the...the...destructo-ray.

Birdman: Shut up.

Tansut: I'm sorry, but...you can blast 'im but...

Birdman: But what Tansut, I have a ray, and it's a ray of justice, and that ray of justice is about to blow your brains out if you don't show the Hell up and further more...

(Birdman tries blasting Eminem but only spray comes out.)

Birdman: What the Hell is this?

(Birdman reaches out the Axe Body Spray.)

Birdman: Axe Body Spray, oh right...sponsor, get it while it's hot peeps. I can't believe this, peeps, okay and...

(Birdman aims to shoot Tansut but only Navy Accelerator pamphlets shoot out.)

Birdman: Damn you I'm not selling out Bob, it's the year 2000, people are not corporate puppets that are forced to sell stuff on a third pilot of something. For God's sake and further more...

(Cut to X watching it in on the monitor.)

X: God, and this show is now a pretty good-rating show...

(FEAR Boss disrupts the transmission.)

FEAR Boss: Waste him, waste him now X!

X: Just a minute, I want...I want to find out whether or not Birdman is high in this pilot.

(Cut to the set. Birdman is talking to Busta Rhymes on the monitor.)

Birdman: You know talking to a rap star like you, reminds of that...dreadful third pilot I made.

Busta: Really?

Birdman: Yeah, it kinda does Busta.

Birdgirl: You made a third pilot?

Peter: Oh, so that's how Harvey is so testy about how this show should go, his mad because it took three pilots.

Birdman: Luckily the third pilot is stored away, where it's ugly and terrible sight will never see the light of day...

(Cut back to the control room.)

FEAR Boss: Really, all that happened so far?

X: Yeah.

FEAR Boss: X, you're a menace and you're also worthless but I want to watch that third pilot, send me a tape.

X: It isn't finished yet.

FEAR Boss: Send me a tap...

(X pulls the lever on him as he disappears.)

X: What's up his ass, a Miami Vice ray?

Lokar:(on monitor) We'll be right back with the continuation of Birdman Coast to Coast, pilot three made in 2000.

(Cut to commercial. Cut back to Lokar.)

Lokar: Hello guys and dolls, Birdman Coast to Coast is back...also, yes Birdman was a little tipsy while filming this but he wasn't high. Go back to the third pilot, lover.

(Cut back to the set (on the third pilot) as Birdman is sitting there with a Boost Mobile in his hands.)

Eminem: So, Harvey.

Birdman: That's Birdman to you...

Eminem: Oh, oh...okay.

Birdman: I'm so drunk I can barf.

Eminem: Okay, just don't barf all over them, okay?

Birdman: That Lokar lied to me; he said this will get me a job. I'm still here filming a lousy pilot that won't get off the ground.

(Pause.)

Zorak: Boo! Boo! You suck!

Birdman: That was the joke I told in the second pilot.

Zorak: It wasn't funny in 1995; it ain't funny now, in 2000.

Bob: Okay and we're back from commercial and...action!

Birdman: Is that like bang, bang shoot 'em up action or my wife's cheating on me with the carpenter action, or both...or maybe it's time to talk to my guest Eminem.

Bob: The last one.

Birdman: The carpenter?

Eminem: Why are you wearing that cowl?

Birdman: What?

Eminem: What are you hiding exactly, Birdman?

Birdman: My Boost Mobile, it has downloadable features with low costs and fees. Where, you...at dog?

Eminem: I said...what?

Birdman: My Boost Mobile.

Eminem: Oh, you mean like that, that uh...

Birdman: It's a mobile that'll make you cool with your friends! Where YOU at dog?

(Tansut giggles.)

Birdman: What's so funny Tansut?

Tansut: You said dog?

Birdman: And what's so funny about that?

Moltar: Nothing.

Zorak: Yeah, it's cute.

Birdman: Have I even hired you guys yet?

Zorak: Poof, you've hired us,

Birdman: I bet Eminem never sent out a signal, I bet you found out from Space Ghost that I'm doing a third pilot and you wanted to be here to make fun of me!

Zorak: How did you know?

Moltar: Yes, how did you know?

Tansut: I came here for the food.

Zorak: Yeah, Tansut came here for the food.

Moltar: Me and Zorak come here to annoy you.

Zorak: And tease you.

Moltar: Because you're pathetic.

Zorak: Pathetic like Space Ghost.

Moltar: Ya creampuff!

(Moltar laughs while Tansut giggles.)

Birdman: That's just great, coming from people who's show is cancelled.

Zorak: It's on hiatus.

Birdman: And Tansut, you haven't been on the show for quite some time.

Tansut: What? That...that's not completely true, I'm doing some things.

Birdman: What things have you been doing?

Tansut: I have...I have been doing some yoga.

Birdman: Yoga, that's it?

Tansut: That takes up 17 hours of the day.

Birdman: And the other 7 hours?

Tansut: Sleep.

Birdman: While you do yoga and sleep, me Zorak, Moltar, Eminem and Bob are doing something important.

Zorak: Yeah.

Moltar: We're all disappointed in you Tansut.

Zorak: Ya creampuff!

Moltar: Yeah, ya creampuff!

Tansut: I thought we were friends.

Zorak: Not a chance.

Birdman: I'll be your friend.

Tansut: Really.

Birdman: When Hell freezes over.

(Cut to Hell as Satan is sitting on his throne.)

Satan: Is it just me or is it getting chilly?

(Hell freezes over. Cut back to the set. Bob is whispering in Birdman's ear and backs away.)

Birdman: Apparently, Hell has just frozen over well, what do you want to do Tansut?

Tansut: Disney World! Disney World!

Birdman: Okay, we're going to Disney World...when Heaven engulfs in flames!

(Cut to Heaven as God and Jesus are sitting next to each other reading a book.)

God: The work of Mozart is great.

Jesus: Indeed.

God: Is it me or is Heaven going to engulf in flames...

(Heaven engulfs in flames. Cut back to the set.)

Birdman: Damn, apparently Heaven engulfed in flames...I'll take you to Disney World, this weekend.

Zorak: Wuss!

Birdman: What?

Moltar: Creampuff!

Eminem: Gangsta!

(Pause. The music from "Sealab 2021" episode "Vacation starts playing as Birdman pulls out a Boost Mobile.)

Birdman: Get a new Boost Mobile, it's great, it's hip. And it'll make you a hipster! That's right, hipster. Because Hipsters Rule.

(Birdman pulls out an "Axe Body Spray".)

Birdman: Also get an Axe Body Spray, it's also cool. It'll make you a double hipster. If Hipsters Rule if you have a Boost Mobile, an Axe Body Spray will make you a double Hipster and double Hipsters Rule.

(Pause as music stops.)

Birdman: I'm a hipster.

Eminem: What?

Birdman: Yeah, I'm a hipster.

Tansut: Oh boy, Disney World!

Zorak: You are not a hipster.

Birdman: Want me to prove it?

Zorak: Yeah, I would actually.

Birdman: Cause I won't.

Moltar: You're a creampuff Birdman!

Space Ghost:(V.O): Yeah, creampuff!

Eminem: Who was that?

Birdman: Probably me.

(Pause. Eminem stands up.)

Eminem: I think I'll go off now.

Birdman: No you can't.

Eminem: This show ain't really working out for me.

Bob: Don't worry M, you're a natural.

Eminem: Nah, I'll be leaving now, leave my cheque on Dr. Dre's door.

(Eminem walks off.)

Bob: Okay, who's Dr. Dre?

Zorak: You don't know who Dr. Dre is?

Bob: No.

Zorak: Renowned rapper.

Bob: You need guys like that Harv, Moltar...get us on feed with Dr. Dre.

Birdman: Who said what about Dr. Phil?

(Dr. Dre appears on the monitor.)

Birdman: Because I'm a teenager facing abandonment.

Dr. Dre: Hello Birdman.

Birdman: You're black.

Dr. Dre: Right.

Birdman: Where's...where's your medical degree, Phil?

Dr. Dre: I don't, I don't have a use for a medical degree.

Birdman: Then...you're not a doctor?

Dr. Dre: No.

Birdman: Oh, that kicks the Elvis Presley. Well, what do you have?

Dr. Dre: This cap and a microphone I have stashed in my car.

Birdman: Get out and showcase your microphone.

Dr. Dre: My car, is really...it's parked very far away.

Birdman: Really, where?

Dr. Dre: Atlanta.

Birdman: Atlanta, really?

Dr. Dre: Oh, man.

(Pause.)

Birdman: Have you heard of Mentos?

(Pause.)

Birdman: It's good, good, good.

Dr. Dre: Nah, I'm fine man.

Birdman: Really?

Dr. Dre: Yeah.

Birdman: Okay.

Moltar: Boo!

Zorak: Yeah, boo!

Birdman: Don't boo the guest.

Zorak: We were booing you!

(Pause.)

Birdman: Oh really?

Zorak: Yes, we are now.

Birdman: Really?

Moltar: Yeah, you suck.

Birdman: Right and why would that be?

Tansut: He doesn't suck his taking me to Disney World!

Birdman: Tansut, that was actually a lie, I ain't taking you.

Tansut: Oh, then you do suck then.

Birdman: Okay, what is up with everyone tonight? Zorak, Moltar, Tansut...stop insulting me or I'll fire you; you are disloyal to your employer.

Bob: Don't you dare fire them! You fired Phil, Peanut and Avenger and look what happened?

Birdman: Eminem suggested that I fire them.

Bob: No he didn't.

Birdman: He was thinking it.

(Pause.)

Bob: No...he did not Harvey!

Birdman: Well, he was sending telepathic messages to my mind.

Bob: I know he wasn't, you're lying!

Birdman: Would I ever lie to you guys?

Dr: Dre: No he wouldn't.

Birdman: Damn straight Dr. Phil!

Bob: That's Dr. Dre.

Birdman: Well, at least he's a doctor.

Bob: He's a rapper.

Birdman: Really?

Bob: Yes.

Dr. Dre: Where you at dog?

Birdman: Boost Mobile.

Bob: Yeah, he's a rapper.

Birdman: Damn it, you know I was going to um, get my back checked.

Bob: Really?

Birdman: If he was a doctor.

Bob: But his not.

Birdman: No, he's a rapper.

(Brief pause. Cut to Jan, Jace and Lokar in bed in a threesome for a split second. Cut back to the show.)

Tansut: I banged a dog up the ass.

(Zorak laughs as Moltar stares at him.)

Zorak: HE SAID HE BANGED A DOG UP THE ASS!

Moltar: That's not funny; we could get cancelled before it even begins.

Zorak: Well, I banged Linda up the ass.

(Pause.)

Zorak: Actually, it was her sister.

Moltar: Zoltranerella?

Zorak: Yeah, whatever. I forgot.

Tansut: I also banged Space Ghost up the ass.

(Zorak laughs hysterically.)

Birdman: That's depraved.

Tansut: Where's my money?

Zorak: Say...say...say you banged Birdman up the ass, and I'll give you twenty more dollars.

Tansut: Okay, I banged Bir...

(Cut to "PAUSE TRANSMISSION". Cut to commercial. Cut to Birdman sitting in the desk with the monitor reading "Please Stand By".)

Birdman: Well, that's the end of the show, goodnight.

(End credits. Cut to X in the monitor watching the credits. Credits are written in "Japanese".)

X: Whoa, that was weird...

(X grabs the tape out.)

X: And to think, while Birdman thinks his show with Busta Rhymes has been airing, it's been this originally unaired pilot.

(Cut to the set where Birdman is interviewing Busta Rhymes.)

Birdman: And then for some reason...the credits were in Japanese.

Busta Rhymes: Really?

Birdman: And then...it ended. Man, some pilot.

Peanut: Maybe we should air it some time...

(End credits run backwards. Cut back to the set.)

Peanut: ...I mean, you know...something to laugh at.

Birdman: Peanut, I swear on my grave that that unaired crud will never see the light of day. Ever...ever...ever.

Peter: Where's X been all night?

Birdman: Yeah, I know...I thought he'd try to kill me or something.

(Cut back to the control room as FEAR Boss in on there.)

FEAR Boss: Is Birdman dead yet?

X: Um, no master.

FEAR Boss: And why not?

X: I was being distracted by the crappy 2000 pilot.

FEAR Boss: You will kill Birdman by the end of the night, you hear me, you will kill him!

(Jace pops up behind him in the "FEAR outfit")

Jace: I'll kill him.

FEAR Boss: Meet Jace, the new FEAR member.

X: Nice to meet you.

FEAR Boss: He will personally kill Birdman if you don't get the job done by tonight.

Announcer: Will X kill Birdman, or will it be Jace's job? Tune in after this commercial break.

(Cut to a distorted stand by screen reading "Waiting" for one minute. Cut back to the show.)

Announcer: We return to Space Ghost Coast to Coast where Space Ghost was talking to special guest Benji.

Space Ghost: And you're a dog.

Moltar: Space Ghost!

Space Ghost: What?

Moltar: You're talking to a blank screen.

Space Ghost: So it's not Benji.

Moltar: Nope.

Space Ghost: Damn...

(Cut to the Birdman crew dancing in a night club then cut to Space Ghost humping Lassie. Then back to the control room.)

Announcer: X was told he must kill Birdman by the end of the night or Jace will kill him, let's see what's happening right now.

X: I must kill Birdman, yes that's right, kill Birdman! Yes, I'll kill him, I'll kill him!

(X runs off. Cut back to the set.)

Birdman: So I was saying to myself that I should...

(X runs in with his machine.)

X: Birdman, prepare to die!

Birdman: That's where he is.

Phil: Ha, ha, bestiality.

(Cut to Phil humping Doggy Daddy.)

Phil: That's right! Dog, I'm still the alpha male! I am the alpha male! Ha, ha...hot animal sex.

(Cut back to the set.)

Peanut: Did you ever get over your animal problems Phil?

Phil: What problems?

(The camera views out revealing Phil humping Peter. Cut back to the set.)

X: Birdman, you will die!

(X shoots Birdman with his machine laser as he explodes.)

X: I did it! I did it! I killed Birdman!

(X runs off.)

Peanut: (crying) Wings up Harvey, wings up.

Phil: Damn.

(Birdman walks in.)

Birdman: Hey guys, what's going on with the...corpse of me...on the floor?

Peanut: I was about to ask you the same thing.

Birdman: Well actually I was away on vacation and so I used that Birdman clone from the seventh episode.

Peanut: Oh, that explains everything...I suppose.

(An alarm goes off.)

Announcer: PLEASE STAND BY FOR DOGGIE-HUMPING HOUR!

(Cut to two live action dogs humping for 30 seconds. Cut back to the set.)

Birdman: Ich bin nein end.

(Peanut kicks Birdman in the crotch. End credits.)


	20. Sales from the Crypt Keeper

Birdman Coast to Coast

Sales from the Crypt Keeper

(Cut to Phil in the control room with the Crypt Keeper on the monitor.)

Phil: So you say I can get free long distance terms with Cryptikia Mobile if I get the deal now?

Crypt Keeper: Yes, my child.

Phil: So I can call Canada one day and say their chocolate mousse tastes like penguin pudding. Ha, ha...flapping heads.

Crypt Keeper: Whatever floats your boat.

(Avenger flies in.)

Phil: Oh Avenger, I want to talk to the Crypt Keeper some more.

Avenger: Caw!

Phil: C'mon.

Avenger: Caw.

Phil: I hate Joel Schumacher and Ralph Basaki.

Avenger: Caw.

Phil: I know that they're the guests tonight but...

Avenger: CAW!

Phil: Caw you.

(Phil walks off. Cut to the set.)

Birdman: Okay, Peanut...

Peanut: What?

Birdman: Have you seen The Phantom of the Opera?

Peanut: Why?

Birdman: Oh just because...we got the director here tonight.

Peanut: How come?

Birdman: Because some guy suggested it and...we put it in account.

Peanut: What guy?

Birdman: Some critic?

Peter: Jay Sherman?

Birdgirl: Of course not!

Birdman: Well c'mon everyone; let's get the show on the road...

(Phil is standing near the desk.)

Birdman: Phil, what are you doing?

Phil: I think I am...uh?

Birdman: Just go to the announcer booth okay?

(Opening credits.)

Phil: Tonight on Birdman Coast to Coast, movie director Joel Schumacher and animator Ralph Basaki!

(Birdman drives in front of his desk with a go-cart.)

Birdman: I'm Birdman!

Peanut: Get off your go-cart!

(Birdman hops off to his desk.)

Birdman: Our first guest is movie director Joel Schumacher.

(Joel appears on the monitor.)

Birdman: Hi Joel.

Joel: Hello.

Birdman: Can I call you Joe?

Joel: Sure.

Birdman: Okay. You directed some films...didn't you?

Joel: I directed Batman Forever, Batman & Robin, The Phantom of the Opera...

Birdman: Batman...huh?

Joel: Yeah, what?

Birdman: Batman is dumb.

Joel: Really?

Birdman: He has no powers, where I do have powers.

Joel: Okay...

Birdman: See where I'm going with this?

Joel: I think so.

Birdman: Okay then.

Joel: Yeah.

Birdman: Well...I have solar powers.

Joel: Captain Planet had solar powers.

Birdman: You're lying aren't you?

Joel: Maybe.

Birdman: So back to Batman.

Joel: Batman had more enemies then you, you...Space Ghost.

(Pause.)

Birdman: I'm Birdman, not Space Ghost.

Joel: I was told, I was told...

Birdman: You were told what?

Joel: That you're actually Space Ghost.

Birdman: That's not true.

Peanut: Well you have been acting strangely Harv.

Birdman: Harv, as in Harvey...who's Harvey? Harvey Firestein?

Peanut: Uh, no...you.

Birdman: Oh of course, my name's Harvey.

Joel: Space Ghost.

Birdman: Birdman.

Joel: Birdman.

Birdman: Harvey.

Joel: Um, Harvey...

Birdman: That's my name don't wear it out.

(Birdman taps his cue cards.)

Birdman: Hey.

Joel: Are you on a ice cream diet?

Birdman: What?

Phil:(V.O) BUY CRPTIKA MOBILE!

Birdman: Are you saying I'm fat.

Phil:(V.O): HAVE YOU BOUGHT CRPTIKA MOBILE YET!

Birdman: What are you talking about Phil?

(Phil walks on the set with a Cryptika Mobile.)

Phil: It's a new awesome mobile.

Birdman: Really?

Phil: Yep.

Birdman: Where did you get it from?

Phil: Crypt Keeper.

Birdman: Who's this Crypt Keeper?

Phil: He gave me this mobile.

Joel: Are you or are you not on an ice cream diet?

Birdman: Is this mobile good or something?

Phil: Yeah, it's good.

Joel: Are you on an ice cream diet?

Birdman: Yes...I am Joel.

(Cut to X in an isolated cave filled with equipment and security cameras showing Birdman doing his interview on all the TVs in different angles.)

X: Birdman doesn't seem like himself in this series compared to his career as a lawyer...something's wrong! And I'm going to find out or I'm not Lokar!

(X pulls off his mask revealing his Lokar.)

Lokar: It's quite chilly in here.

(Cut back to the set as Apace Chief walks in.)

Birdman: Apache Chief! Welcome to the show.

Apache Chief: Thank you my friend.

(Phil is walking around in a unicycle holding signs saying "Buy Crytikika Mobile".)

Joel: Okay, about my movie Birdman.

Birdman: Phil, I want to get that mobile!

Peanut: So do I!

Birdgirl: Yeah, that mobile doesn't sound so bad.

Peter: Yeah, I want that!

(Pause.)

Birdman: Where's X?

Phil: I don't know.

Apache Chief: I think he would want one to...(dramatic music comes on) to kill Birdman...

Peanut: That's X alright.

Apache Chief: Imbecile! I am ...I mean yes it does sound like X.

Phil: TO THE SHOP!

(Cut to the shop with Birdman, Phil and Peanut waiting outside with the rest. Cut back to the studio as everyone has a mobile when X (or Lokar) walks in.)

Lokar: (as X) Say, how come everyone has those mobiles?

Apache Chief: (thinking with X's voice) Who is this joker, dressing up as me? (aloud and as Apache Chief) Because they're good.

Lokar: Really? How come I Lo...X didn't get one.

Apache Chief: (thinking with X's voice) Uh ha! It's Lokar! How dare he dress up as me...and why?

(The REAL Apache Chief walks in.)

Real Apache Chief: Hello my friends.

Birdman: How come there's two Apache Chiefs?

Phil: Wait...what?

Peter: (holding mobile) Who got that thing I sent them?

(The Crypt Keeper replaces Joel on the monitor.)

Crypt Keeper: You've just gotten your friends to join up? Excellent, time for the "extra" thing I told you about Phil.

Phil: You didn't tell me there was any "extra" thing!

Crypt Keeper: It was in the contracts you all signed!

Birdman: What is going to happen Crypt Keeper!

Crypt Keeper: Using the Crypitkita Mobile only costs 4 dollars a month...right?

Everyone: Yeah.

Crypt Keeper: I'm making it...FORTY MILLION DOLLARS A MONTH!

Phil: You harlot!

Crypt Keeper: I was just going to disappear...but I'm actually a dude, not a woman...and...away (disappears in a puff of smoke.)

Birdman: We were all played for chums.

X: (as Apache Chief) Arrest that fake Apache Chief!

Apache Chief: What?

(Cyclo comes rushing in.)

Cyclo: I came as soon as I could.

(Cyclo arrests Apache Chief.)

Apache Chief: But I'm the real Apache Chief! I'm the real one, the other one is the fake!

X: (as Apache Chief) Leave that to the courts.

(Joel appears back on the screen.)

Joel: Did I miss anything?

(Pause.)

Phil: Is there an animal pornography magazine anyway?

(Fades out on white screen. Cut to commercial. Fades in with white screen. Cut back to the set.)

Birdman: I can't believe it, forty million dollars a month?

Peter: It's just becoming a pyramid scheme.

Birdgirl: My dad is obsessed with having sex with animals?

Birdman: I have two mothers and two fathers, you're talking about weird?

Peanut: I can't believe it...I thought this mobile was meant to be great?

X: (as Apache Chief) I'm mad as well.

Lokar: (as X) As I.

(Ralph Bashaki appears on the screen.)

Ralph: Hello Birdman.

Birdman: Here's the animation director who directed such porn animation like, Fritz the Cat?

Avenger: Caw caw caw caw?

Birdman: Yeah I'm sure it's a porno.

Ralph: How are you going today Birdman?

Birdman: It's night Ralph.

Ralph: Okay.

Birdman: It's night.

Ralph: Really?

Birdman: Yeah...night.

Ralph: Night...

Birdman: Yeah, night.

Peanut: Ralph, we were cheated.

Birdman: Some gypsy Crypt Keeper gave us mobiles and then jacked up the price to an all time high.

X: (as Apache Chief) I need to go to the bathroom.

Birdman: And I need a smoke.

(Birdman grabs a cigarette and lights it and puts it in his mouth and puffs it and takes it out.)

Birdman: (with Scott Farrell voice) So Ralph, tell me about directing pornos?

Ralph: They're animated.

Birdman: (with Scott Farrell voice) Yeah I know...but they count, right...right?

Peanut: I thought you quit smoking?

(Birdman coughs and coughs and coughs.)

Birdman: (normal voice) Yeah well I'm Sp...Birdman.

Peanut: That's better.

Ralph: You know what a camel toe is?

Birdman: I'll stick my penis into a camel toe, especially a really hot one.

Phil: Haha! Sexual inneudo.

Ralph: What about my wife's camel toe?

Birdman: You don't have a wife?

Ralph: Maybe I do, maybe I don't.

Birdman: Really...a camel toe?

Birdgirl: STOP TALKING ABOUT CAMEL TOES! There's a girl present.

Peter: She's just mad because hers is bleeding.

Birdgirl: I thought that secret was safe with you!

Ralph: Do you have a dildo Birdgirl?

Birdgirl: No of course...not.

Birdman: That's not what I saw when I walked in your dressing room...

Birdgirl: Okay, that's the last time I tell anyone my secrets!

Birdman: But you didn't tell me...you walked in.

Birdgirl: Yeah...well, I told you to keep it a secret.

Phil: Birdgirl with her pants down...

Birdgirl: Dad, I can't believe you don't recognize me.

Phil: That's right, I'm your daddy.

X: (as Apache Chief) Look at what this animated porno-mad director has done to us!

Birdgirl: Yeah.

Ralph: Birdgirl, do you like guys licking your camel toe?

Birdman: I raped a cheerleader once.

Ralph: My God...Birdman...no.

Birdman: What?

Ralph: You destroyed her poor life?

Birdman: I didn't know what I was doing, it just happened in the "Ask the Big Banana" segment.

Ralph: BANNANA!

Birdman: You like turning things into sex jokes don't you?

Ralph: That's what she said.

Birdman: No she didn't.

Ralph: Okay, she didn't whatever.

Birdman: Who's she...exactly.

Ralph: Your wife?

Birdman: Gigi said that?

Phil: Gigi is my wife too you know!

Peanut: And my wife.

Peter: And my wife...I think.

Ralph: Gigi is a horse name.

Birdman: Yeah...maybe, in that damn movie.

Ralph: What movie?

Birdman: I think it's called "Gigi".

Ralph: Fritz the Cat?

Birdman: "Gigi" the movie, not that animated porn you directed.

Ralph: You ever masturbated in your life?

Birdman: Excuse me.

Ralph: Just asking because you know...

Birdman: Know what?

Ralph: I thought you knew?

Birdman: Well I thought I did.

Ralph: I'm sorry I asked that, that sort of stuff is kinda personal.

Birdman: What's up with your liking for...animated porn?

Ralph: I just direct it...uh, it's money.

Birdman: But why does it have animated?

Ralph: Animation is a love of mine.

Birdman: Really?

Ralph: And also sex.

(Pause.)

Birdman: Why you so obsessed with sex?

Ralph: Um...that questions relates back to when I was a child and...

Crypt Keeper: (appears on monitor) Tick, tock...tick, tock...tick, tock!

Birdman: Tick, tock what?

Crypt Keeper: It's now three minutes after midnight and it's the first of July...pay up, it's been the first month all ready!

(Birdman blasts Crypt Keeper off the monitor.)

Peanut: Now his asking us to pay him now just because it's now the first day of the month...that's it!

(Peanut grabs a bazooka and fires it at X (as Apache Chief) and the putty melts revealing it's X.)

Birdman: You're X the Eliminator!

X: Yes, and your phoney baloney X is none other then Lokar!

(X pulls off Lokar's mask as Lokar just stands there.)

Lokar: Oh...darn. I dressed up as a X so I could kill Birdman.

X: I dressed up as Apache Chief so I could kill Birdman as well.

Lokar: I'm now apart of the group "FEAR".

X: What...you are?

Lokar: I resigned as King of the Locusts though, Zorak took my place.

(Cut to Zorak on the throne.)

Zorak: I'm not a locust! I'm a mantis!

(Cut back to the set.)

Lokar: But he had to resign as secretary of state though to get the job.

Peanut: Really?

(Jace runs in with the FEAR uniform.)

Jace: Birdman, I'm gonna kill you!

Birdman: Is that you Jace?

(Ralph is replaced by the Crypt Keeper yet again.)

Crypt Keeper: Pay me Birdman, or I'll kill you!

(Dramatic sting.)

Birdman: How come everyone wants to kill Birdman, I mean me tonight?

(Cut to commercial. Cut back to the set as the Crypt Keeper on the monitor and also Jace, X and Lokar standing around Birdman with knives.)

Birdman: Okay, can...someone escort me out?

Phil: I would Harvey, but I'm getting my lawyer to come here to say if what the Crypt Keeper's done is legal.

Birdman: But I'm a lawyer.

Phil: And a ba...good one at that, but I need to get another one so your skills don't get overworked and rusty.

Birdman: Oh, okay...sounds reasonable.

Jace: Kill him now!

Lokar: FOR THE GROUP OF FEAR!

Crypt Keeper: For my right to rob him of money!

X: FOR THE CREST ON BIRDMAN'S HELMET!

(Pause.)

Lokar: But that's why me and Jace are going to kill him?

Jace: You mean me?

Lokar: Wha? We're a team.

Jace: Not since you stole Jan away from me.

Lokar: YOU'RE STILL ON THAT!

Jace: YOU'LL JUST TURN GAY AGAIN!

Phil: Just waiting for my law...

(Phil gets tackled by Falcon 7 (Phil Ken Sebben's original) as dramatic music builds up.)

Falcon 7 (Original Phil): (voiced by "Someone") How dare you take credit for what I taught Birdman in his superhero days! I'm the one who's over 100!

Peanut: Really?

Falcon 7: (coughs, then voiced by "Someone") Botox apparently makes men look younger then far. Also had laryngitis since 1999...just cured just by a cough...wow.

Phil: I haven't been entirely truthful, while the "Original Phil" was out now kanoodling with the deceased Original Galaxy Trio Galaxy Girl, and teaching Birdman, I was out being a teenager, then when I was 26, found the Sebben & Sebben Law Firm. I've been playing identity theft with my original "Falcon 7" for a long time now, it started when Falcon 7 wanted a clone of himself when he found out he became sterile...

(Falcon 7 tackles Phil again and they stop throwing punches as dramatic music plays while the Jace and Lokar also start throwing punches when the Crypt Keeper looks at Birdman.)

Crypt Keeper: While everyone's out on the open...I'm not what people think too...I'm...

(Crypt Keeper pulls off mask revealing it's Joel Schumacher and Ralph Bashaki conjoined.)

Joel & Ralph: (simultaneously) HELLO AGAIN BIRDMAN!

(X is ganging up on Birdman.)

X: I'M GOING TO GET YOU BIRDMAN!

Birdman: I'VE ALSO GOT A CONFESSION TO MAKE!

(A giant eye spider "seen in the first episode of HB:AAL" explodes out of Joel and Ralph killing them and walks onto the set as the roof opens revealing Fran Drescher controlling the controls.)

Fran: Birdman, I'm going to kill you!

Birdman: That's the thing I'm not Birdman!

X: Who are you?

Birdman: It's a secret.

X: Really?

Birdman: Okay...I'm...

(Birdman pulls off mask revealing it's Space Ghost.)

Space Ghost: Okay...it's been me, all these episodes. Birdman doesn't even know he has a talk show, not even the fact he has a show where he's a lawyer.

X: That doesn't make sense, if you're Space Ghost, then who's the guy who is FAKING being you?

Space Ghost: It was my dad...

(The eye spider shoots lasers as Fran explodes revealing it's the Crypt Keeper under the skin.)

Crypt Keeper: Yeah, I was undercover as Fran Drescher...

(Space Ghost sneezes.)

Crypt Keeper: What's your point?

Falcon 7: I know why you're losing Phil, pneumonia's too strong?

Phil: Ha, ha. TV reference.

(The REAL Birdboy tackles Peanut and they start fighting.)

Peanut: BIRDBOY! THE REAL BIRDBOY! I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!

Birdboy: That's what they thought!

(Birdgirl looks over her shoulder and sees the Real Birdgirl.)

Birdgirl: No, it can't be true! I thought you were dead too?

Real Birdgirl: I faked my own death so I can get out of that hell-hole you call a home, my twin sister!

Peter: Glad my double ain't here.

(Peter's father walks up to Peter and smacks him over the head.)

Peter's Father: PLAYING IDENIDITY THEFT WITH YOUR BROTHER AGAIN!

Peter: I didn't mean it, it just happened!

X: Luckily, my exact double is dead.

Real X: (V.O) Or am I?

X: Oh crap.

(Cut to an outer view of the set as everyone is fighting. Cut to Chad Ghostal walks in with Leonard Ghostal.)

Chad: Tad, dad can't go around pretending to be you anymore, he just found out he had Up Syndrome and Talk-a-lot-proyosis.

Leonard: What?

Chad: Thankfully the Talk-a-lot-proyosis hasn't kicked in yet.

Space Ghost: Yeah okay, everyone knows now anyway.

Falcon 7: Why did you want my life?

Phil: You know I always wanted to be you, you were so cool and stuff but now I've realised I have my own dreams, of being a law firm boss and talk show announcer!

Real Birdgirl: You can't just go around pretending to be me just because I'm your twin!

Birdgirl: I don't know why I did it, I just always wanted to work with Birdman!

Peter: I did it Dad because I felt like it!

Peter's Dad: NO EXCUSE!

(Cut to the Whitehouse. Inside, Zorak is wearing a suit and is on his desk and Moltar walks in although instead of the usual "red-and-green" he is now gold.)

Zorak: Hey Moltar, how's it going?

Moltar: Well I spent all my money on metal suit coating.

Zorak: Looks cool.

Moltar: I'm now broke but it was totally worth it.

Zorak: Well, life as a secretary of state is a lot better then working for Space Ghost.

Moltar: I wonder if those fools on the Birdman Coast to Coast show have realised it's not actually Birdman but Space Ghost yet, and it's not Space Ghost but Leonard Ghostal?

Zorak: I don't know, so you're not the richest man anymore...you're broke?

Moltar: Yeah, that's what I came here to talk about

(Cut to everyone on the set beating each other up and things exploding. Cut back to the Whitehouse.)

Moltar: Birdman Coast to Coast needs to get off the air.

Zorak: Yeah why?

Moltar: Because...it's incredibly violent.

Zorak: So, it's also incredibly sexually-oriented but the FCC left them off on that just because of some "beautiful moment" between Lokar and Jan.

Moltar: I thought Lokar was gay?

Zorak: Well he was, now he ain't.

Moltar: Get that stupid Birdman off the air.

Zorak: Yes sir!

Moltar: Cool, that's all?

Zorak: Yeah...

Moltar: Cool.

(Cut to the set of the show as FCC SWAT Members crash in and put "Cancelled" stickers all over the set.)

Space Ghost: What's this all about?

FCC Swat Member #1: The government and the Master Emperor have declared the show has gone too far and so...we're cancelling you! You'll never be shown on television again.

Space Ghost: What? This is B.S. man! Total B.S.!

FCC Swat Member #2: Not according to the government...you'll be replaced with repeats of "Doctor in the House".

(Cut to the REAL Birdman flicking and then sees the Birdman Coast to Coast set with everyone stopped fighting as the FCC is packing everything up.)

Space Ghost: (on TV) That was once a great show I had.

Birdman: That's not right, I thought Space Ghost Coast to Coast got cancelled in 2004?

Phil: (on TV) Well Space Ghost...

Birdman: Phil, what's he doing there? And Birdgirl, and Peter, and Avenger...and that guy...the guy...who...is...the killer, guy...X? Is that his name, X?

Peanut: (on TV) Yeah, his right Space Ghost...it's Birdman's show, even though he probably doesn't know it because you stole it away from him.

Birdman: I HAD A TALK SHOW AND NO BODY TOLD ME THIS!

(Birdman runs off. Cut back to the set.)

Crypt Keeper: (walking up to Phil) So...where's my money?

Phil: What money?

Crypt Keeper: The money I was going to kill Birdman but found out is was Space Ghost for?

Phil: Oh, I was so sidetracked I didn't remember.

Crypt Keeper: Where's the money?

(Crypt Keeper explodes as Avenger flies out.)

Avenger: Caw caw caw caw, caw, caw!

Phil: Yeah, thanks for making him blow up; he was getting kind of annoying. And know we can have the mobiles without having to pay the damn guy.

Avenger: Caw.

Peanut: Thanks!

Space Ghost: Well, we got the mobile thing sorted out but what about the whole "being cancelled" thing?

Peter: I do not know!

(Cut to Peter's Dad holding on to Peter's leg.)

Peter: And my dad's just tired out after beating me.

Phil: That's right our doubles! Mine's dead.

Peanut: So is mine.

Birdgirl: My twin sister is just unconscious.

Chad: Whoa.

Leonard: Uh...we were yeah for how long?

Chad: 5 minutes.

Leonard: 5 minutes...and this is what we see! Violence, sex, coarse language and basically non-continuity, I know people who would be happy this show is now cancelled.

Space Ghost: Name one person!

(The REAL Birdman storms in.)

Birdman: I had a talk show, and Space Ghost basically hijacked it. I filmed three pilots, three pilots and you reckon smoking made YOU sound different! And this is what I get! A talk show with MY name on it and cancelled before I, the rightful host can at least be on MY OWN show for a brief cameo?

Phil: Well those dreams of having a cameo have been shattered, in case you haven't noticed...it's cancelled.

Birdman: Oh, I don't care...it's cancelled. Besides, I probably would've hated it.

Space Ghost: Hosting this type of talk show is a great experience.

Birdman: Oh.

Peanut: I got to host a couple of times. I think even Avenger hosted it at least ONCE.

X: How did you get here anyway?

Birdman: Space Taxi.

X: There's a Space Taxi now?

Birdman: Well how do you guys get here then?

X: Space Taxi.

Birdman: Okay.

Peanut: I got an idea to get the show back?

(A laser gets shot at Peanut but he ducks.)

Peanut: Cut it out eye spider.

(The eye spider walks over to Peanut and spontaneously combusts.)

Peanut: If we got our mobiles, hooked it up and turned back the clock and went back to when the show was pitched and then change history and tell Birdman.

Space Ghost: That'll mean that the space-time continuum would be ruined, meaning none of the episodes leading up to tonight's one never happened. It even means tonight's episode never happened.

Peanut: Exactly, it's the thing to solve our problems.

(Pause.)

Phil: Well, I want to do it, anyone else?

Birdman: Yeah, I'll do it.

Peanut: Me too.

Avenger: Caw.

Chad: Where are Jace and Lokar?

(Cut to Jace and Lokar sleeping at the bandstand.)

Chad: Why did you dress up as Birdman Space Ghost, what would you have to gain?

Space Ghost: My own talk show.

Peanut: Let's grab all our Cryptikia Mobiles.

(Everyone holds them up and hooks it up and presses a button as they disappear then appear again as everyone is back to normal and Birdman is sitting in the desk in his Birdman suit.)

Birdman: That was guest Fran Drescher talking about her show Living with Fran, and other things.

Phil: Hey Birdman.

Birdman: Yeah Phil.

Phil: You're fir...

(Phil runs over to see Zorbird as he looking at Phil.)

Phil: What are you doing back here Zorbird?

Zorbird: I'm here to tell my dad that...the whole world is mad that Birdman went back in time and changed history, now everything's changed. Gigi isn't married to any of you anymore; she's now married to Vince and Terry.

Phil: WHAT! That's it, we're going back!

(Phil grabs his phone as it explodes along with everyone else's phones as the Crypt Keeper's spirit rises from all of them.)

Crypt Keeper's Spirit: THEY WERE POORLY MADE IN KOREA!

Birdman: Well, I'm just glad I have my talk show...feels weird though.

Peanut: Even weirder, now that the whole timeline has changed no one else about us knows what happened. Wasn't it handy though that the Cryitikia Mobiles can send back in time if you hook up lots of them?

Peter: Yeah, it is.

Phil: But now none of us are married to Gigi!

Birdman: We'll work out all that stuff sooner or later, I'm just happy the past has changed for the better. Goodnight everyone.

(End credits.)


	21. Terror Snake

Birdman Coast to Coast

Terror Snake

(Cut to Birdman sitting on the desk.)

Birdman: Funny huh...guys like us with our own talk show. It's a testament to our pro-longed popularity.

(Cut to Phil in the control room.)

Phil: Well, according to the adult swim, we're just b-actors in their "actor library".

Birdman: I can't believe they said that!

(Cut to Peanut at the bandstand.)

Peanut: It's just a business; no way I'll fell like a b-actor in this particular gig.

Phil: Yeah, but b-actors? Birdman had a hit movie "Birdman vs. the Y2K" out that was number one at the box office...for one second.

Birdman: I did?

(A toy snake appears on the monitor.)

Snake: I am...the terror snake!

Birdman: Well, I suppose we should get the show underway and call Avenger, X, Birdgirl and Peter out.

Terror Snake: No you listen to me you (BLEEP)ing bitch! I'll kill your (BLEEP)ing ass you (BLEEP)ing (BLEEP) (BLEEP) and blow you up to little pieces of (BLEEP), you hear that bird (BLEEP) blow you up you (BLEEP)ing commies, (BLEEP) munchers! You stupid (BLEEP)! I can't believe I got censored for saying (BLEEP) that's (BLEEP)ing bull(BLEEP)! I mean, who pays attention to that word (BLEEP) anymore? Huh? No one that's who, you (BLEEP)ing censors out there censoring (BLEEP), (BLEEP), (BLEEP) and all those other words that are bleeped...like (BLEEP)...I got censored for saying (BLEEP), I can't say (BLEEP) and (BLEEP), (BLEEP) me...

Birdman: Do I know you?

Terror Snake: Why censor (BLEEP) for? That's bull(BLEEP)!

(Cut to the control room as Avenger flies on Phil's shoulder.)

Phil: Alright, alright...I'm off to the announcer booth.

(Phil walks off and Avenger flies on the panel as Birdman is on it.)

Birdman: Hey Avenger...get this weird talking toy snake off the monitor will you?

Avenger: Caw.

(Avenger pulls the lever as the snake disappears.)

Terror Snake: (BLEEP) you!

(Opening credits.)

Phil: Tonight on Birdman Coast to Coast, Will Ferrell...and that's it. Here's Birdman.

(Birdman is sitting on his desk.)

Birdman: Okay, Denis Leary, Ozzy Osbourne, Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Sam Waterston, Howard Stern, John Krisufasci, Simon Cowell, Bob Odenkirk, 50 Cent, Lewis Black, Matt Groening, Stephen Colbert, Tom Kenny, Kathy Kinney, John Kerry, Erik Estrada, Enrique Galasesias, Shakira...

(Cut to a clip of X dancing to Shakira's "Hips Don't Lie". Cut back to Birdman.)

Birdman: Paula Abdul, Randy Jackson, Kelly Clarkson, Carmen Electra, Pamela Anderson, Kelsey Grammer, Ted Turner, Yahoo Serious, Stephen King, Angus Grim, Glenn Danzig, Brittany Snow, Will Estes, Vanessa Lengies, David Cross, Greta van Susteren, Stephanie March, Courtney B. Vance, Tony Blair, Rowan Atkinson, Kenneth Williams, U2...those are all the people Space Ghost interviewed dressed up as me...

Peanut: If we didn't go back in time last week and change the timeline.

Birdman: Okay...just wondering.

Peanut: Who's tonight's guest...

Birdman: Yeah...who's tonight's guest?

Peanut: Will Ferrell.

Birdman: How did you know what I was going to say...?

Peanut: High-five Mentok.

(Mentok floats in wearing "bling" and a hat and sunglasses and high-fives Peanut and floats off.)

Birdman: Oh...I see. Avenger, send Mr. Ferrell in.

(Cut to the control room.)

Avenger: Caw.

(Will Ferrell appears on the monitor.)

Will: (opera-like voice) BIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDMAN!

Birdman: Um...er...yeah. Hi Will.

Will: Hello Birdman.

Birdman: Yeah.

(Terror Snake replaces Will from the monitor.)

Terror Snake: You're really pulling my (BLEEP)ing chain now, aren't you big boy who (BLEEP)s his (BLEEP) while eating his own (BLEEP) and... (BLEEP).

Birdman: This is a clean family show and I won't accept it on my show...

Phil: Birdman...it's rated TV-MA.

Birdman: Oh really...

Phil: Yeah.

Birdman: Then swear all you like.

Terror Snake: (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP)!

Birdman: Not too much now, we don't want to get in trouble with Standards and Practises.

Terror Snake: (BLEEP) Standards and Practises.

Birdman: Do you French-kiss your mother with that mouth?

Terror Snake: I'm psychic, (BLEEP)head!

Birdman: Oh really?

Terror Snake: You will die tonight...cock-muncher!

(Dramatic sting.)

Birdman: No I won't.

Terror Snake: (BLEEP) you, Birdman!

Birdman: Are you stalking me!

Terror Snake: I'm a good friend of X...the Eliminator.

(Dramatic sting.)

Birdman: Really?

(Cut to a clip of X dancing to "Hips Don't Lie". Cut back to Birdman in his desk.)

Terror Snake: I'm a (BLEEP)ing assassin who was hired from the group FEAR...to get rid of you. That's where I know X...the Eliminator.

(Cut to a clip of X dancing to "Hips Don't Lie". Cut to Phil in the announcer booth.)

Phil: Okay, that's getting annoying.

(Cut back to Birdman in the desk.)

Birdman: You're not an assassin; you're a cussing demented toy snake who won't leave me the (BLEEP) alone! Oh crap, I just got bleeped...it's contagious, thanks a lot.

Terror Snake: Don't (BLEEP)ing mention it.

Birdman: In a sarcastic way.

(Phil runs in with a wedding gown on and kisses Birdgirl.)

Peter: Did you get that thing I sent ya!

X: Whoa, look at that man, go!

Birdgirl: That's disgusting Dad!

Phil: That's right, I'm your daddy.

Birdgirl: (BLEEP) you. Oh (BLEEP) I got bleeped, you're right Birdman, it is contagious.

(Mentok floats back in wearing his bling, sunglasses and hat and knuckle punches X.)

Mentok: Give me the (BLEEP), g.

X: In a moment.

Birdman: Why are you paying Mentok the Mindtaker for?

X: His Shakira's agent, I'm paying for the rights to the song "Hips Don't Lie" so I can keep dancing to it in this show!

(Dramatic sting.)

Birdman: Really?

Terror Snake: GET HIS (BLEEP)ING HANDS X!

(Dramatic sting.)

Birdman: What the fudge-cakes!

(X rushes over and hand-cuffs Birdman.)

X: This is for those homies' bitches out there, bro!

Terror Snake: You all can (BLEEP)ing see what happens to that (BLEEP)ing (BLEEP)head Birdman after these (BLEEP)ing worthless (BLEEP) of (BLEEP)ing commercials. That's right, this (BLEEP)ing show will be right back...you (BLEEP)ing bitches!

(Cut to a full screen of Will Ferrell and there's a logo down the bottom reading: "A Night with Will Ferrell".)

Will: The reason I decided to do comedy, was because...my parents actually encouraged me to do it because, you know. I'm good at it. I got my start on "Saturday Night Live" that's where I become really popular, I thank "Saturday Night Live" for that, and thanks to doing "Saturday Night Live", um...my acting career grew and grew and grew and grew and become a really mainstream comedy actor. It came to the point where if it's a comedy movie, you'll see in me in it, it was contagious in that point, where...I was in almost every comedy. Yeah...I'm really good friends with Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, Ben Stiller you know...the guys...why am I doing this (BLEEP)ing bull(BLEEP) interview.

(A person laughs in the background. Cut to commercial. Cut back to the full screen of Will Ferrell and there's a logo down the bottom reading: "A Night with Will Ferrell".)

Will: Um, where was this time when I was young...I had a freezer pop and it popped.

Person:(in the background) Is that real?

Will: No, not at all...not at all.

Person:(in the background) What about your voiceover work?

Will: Well, I did voices on "Family Guy"...and "The Oblongs", you know that show? Doesn't that show air on adult swim?

Person:(very faintly in the background) Yeah it is.

Will: It is, wow...really? Just like this bull(BLEEP) Birdman Coast to Coast.

(Person laughs hysterically.)

Will: Seriously, someone who thought it up must've been on crack, watched marathons of Space Ghost Coast to Coast and Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law...I (BLEEP)ing swear.

(Person continues laughing.)

Person:(V.O) I made this show.

Will: You did...you did...uh (BLEEP), may I going to get fined?

(Person continues laughing. Cut back to the desk as X is still behind Birdman, having handcuffed and "Terror Snake" is still on the monitor.)

Announcer: The last time we saw Birdman Coast to Coast.

(Cut to Birdman (with beard) on an island holding a TV with Will Ferrell on it.)

Birdman: Well Will...I don't think we'll survive here. We need help?

Will Ferrell: Oh dude...we're (BLEEP)ed!

(Cut to Phil and Birdgirl getting married when Birdman runs in.)

Birdman: I must stop this incestuous relationship!

Phil: What do you mean?

Birdman: Phil...Birdgirl is your daughter! I found out at a casino...

Phil: I HAVE TWO DAUGHTERS!

Birdman: No, Birdgirl is your daughter that was mi...

Phil: I don't want to live here anymore!

(Cut to Phil inside a floating bubble in space.)

Phil: That's better.

(Cut to Peanut in jail, smoking.)

Peanut: Am I going to get anally raped?

(Cut to Peanut getting anally raped against the bars, although a tad graphic, it's just tame compared to other scenes in TV shows that involve this. Cut to X dancing to "Hips Don't Lie" in a nightclub. Cut to Peter wearing ninja clothes fighting a gang of Mormons.)

Peter: TIME TO SEND YOU OUT YOU MORMON BASTARDS!

(Peter head-kicks a Mormon as he explodes. Cut back to the desk.)

Announcer: Now...the conclusion to..."Your Momma So Dumb, She Sat on the TV and Watched the Couch and Was Actually Entertained by This, She Also So Fat when She walked into a Strip Club They Paid Her to Keep Her Clothes On, A'ight".

Terror Snake: It's a hostile takeover Birdman.

Birdman: What do you mean?

X: The group FEAR not only wants you dead and your crest...they want the talk show.

Terror Snake: Yeah...bitch.

Birdman: I don't think that's going to happen!

(Birdman blasts out of the handcuffs and flies out the set)

Birdman:(V.O) BIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDMAN!

Peanut: Wings up Harvey...wings up.

Phil: Yes...wings up...that's a name of a show...Wings.

(Howard Wings from "Breakdown" walks in.)

Howard Wings: Did someone call me?

Peanut: Who are you?

Howard Wings: Well I'm that...

Peanut: Howard Wings guy?

Howard Wings: How did you...?

Peanut: High-five Mentok.

(Mentok floats back in and high-fives Peanut.)

Terror Snake: X, don't just stand there! Get Birdman!

X: I don't know where he went!

Mentok: If you don't get Birdman...I won't get you the rights to that song.

Peanut: Wait Mentok g...you ain't a good guy...no more?

Mentok: Not anymore...my Peanut.

Peanut: The name's...oh crap I've been called Peanut for so long I forgot my real name! (BLEEP)!

Phil: Hey you got bleeped too Peanut.

Peanut: I'm getting real tired of doing this show.

(Cut to the control room as Avenger is standing on the panel.)

Avenger: Caw caw caw!

(Will Ferrell appears on the monitor.)

Will: Um...you're a bird.

Avenger: Caw.

Will: Really?

(Phil runs in with his pants down.)

Phil: Bend over Avenger.

Avenger: Caw?

Phil: Bend over.

(Cut to Peanut in the bandstand.)

Peanut: You ever got rid of your problems with animals?

Birdgirl: What problems with animals?

Peter: His he going to come after me!

Peanut: If you mean "cum" after you.

Peter: I don't get it.

(Cut back to the control room.)

Will: And they are many reasons...I hate you Avenger.

Phil: PLEASE BEND OVER!

Will: You want me...to bend over?

Avenger: Caw caw.

Will: He wants YOU to bend over...okay.

Phil: You can understand him!

Will: Um...yeah I suppose.

Phil: I'm going to upgrade this ass...because baby like animal back.

Will: You like to have sex with animals?

Phil: Well, I don't tell this to people everyday but...it all started when...

(Scene dissolves into a flashback of Senor Phil petting Snagglepuss who's sleeping on his lap as Young Phil walks in.)

Young Phil: Papa...how come there's a pink cat on your lap.

Senor Phil: It's name is Snagglepussy.

Phil: (V.O) Ha ha, pussy! Anyway back to the story...

Young Phil: Ha ha, pussy!

Senor Phil: I anally raped this cat.

Young Phil: But why Papa?

Senor Phil: You're only seven...you don't know the meaning of the word "rape".

Young Phil: You're right...I don't. Why does it mean?

Senor Phil: It means I stuck my penis into this cat's ass.

Young Phil: That's disgusting Papa!

Senor Phil: A love between a man and an animal is nothing to be shamed of.

Young Phil: It isn't something to be ashamed of?

Senor Phil: Nope.

Young Phil: Does it hurt the cat?

Senor Phil: No...in fact it enjoys it. All animals enjoy it when you anally rape them.

Young Phil: Momma kept crying and saying she was "anally raped" by her boss yesterday...does it hurt people?

Senor Phil: No of course not, humans enjoy being anally raped just like humans.

(Cut to Young Phil "back-dooring" Huckleberry Hound.)

Phil: (V.O) I started anally raping everything in sight...

Young Phil: Dad...this feels weird!

(Senor Phil runs in with a shotgun and points it at Young Phil.)

Senor Phil: You'll do what I force you to do...

(Dissolve back to the past.)

Will: So...you only "like" animals is so you can make your father...proud of you?

Phil: I...suppose so.

Will: Listen, you can't go around pleasing everyone, because if you do, it's going to be a very boring world.

Phil: Okay...thanks.

(Senor Phil walks in with a walking stick.)

Senor Phil: You butt(BLEEP) that bird...or else.

Phil: I sucked on it's cock...doesn't that make you proud Papa?

(Senor Phil grabs out a gun and points it at Phil. Dramatic sting.)

Phil: Okay...

Senor Phil: Threesome...right now?

Will: What?

Senor Phil: Me, you and the bird.

Will: Oh thank God...what?

Senor Phil: Pull my pants down...

Phil: Isn't this a crime or something?

(Cut back to the set.)

Terror Snake: Get him X!

X: Well, it's kinda hard to get him when I don't know where he is!

Terror Snake: His probably on the Ghost Planet!

X: Ghost Planet.

Terror Snake: I know what you're thinking, what kinda of (BLEEP)ed up name is that for a planet?

X: Why are you so sure his in that planet?

Terror Snake: Because...I know someone.

(Cut to the Ghost Planet Commissary where Space Ghost, Moltar and Zorak are sitting at the table.)

Space Ghost: Isn't it weird...sitting here on this table again...after the show getting cancelled.

Zorak: Yeah...you know what I should do be...secretary of the state...of the United States of...Shelly.

Space Ghost: Who's Shelly?

Moltar: Zorak's girlfriend.

Space Ghost: Really?

Moltar: Yeah...I'm going to be the world's richest man and get my lava metal containment suit painted solid gold.

Space Ghost: I could've sworn both of these things happened...in a different timeline.

Zorak: Hey Birdman, how are you doing back there?

(Birdman walks up to the commissary.)

Birdman: Yeah...where's the bathroom?

Moltar: Well it's...

(A pee stain comes up in Birdman's tights.)

Birdman: There we go.

Space Ghost: That's barbaric! Can I drink some; I'm not able to afford anything after my show got cancelled.

(X crashes in with his van and rans out and handcuffs Birdman.)

Birdman: I'll just blast out again.

X: It's congealed metal...the strongest metal.

(Pause.)

Birdman: I'm screwed.

X: C'mon Birdman...let's go.

(X escorts Birdman to the van.)

Birdman: How did you know I was here?

X: Terror Snake said so.

Birdman: Wow, maybe he is psychic.

(X drives off in the van through the window.)

Space Ghost: We're going to be sucked out into space...that's just great.

Zorak: (sing-song) You didn't pay the rent for our apartment, now you live here in this abandoned studio!

Moltar: I'm going back home to see my wife...

Space Ghost: SHUT UP!

(Cut to the control room back at Sunlight Studios as Senor Phil is pointing a gun at Phil and Avenger as Will is looking on.)

Senor Phil: NOW!

Phil: Now what?

Senor Phil: ...just now!

Phil: Dad...having a threesome with your son and an eagle won't solve anything!

Senor Phil: Yes it will!

Will: Listen, if I've learned anything it's...

(Senor Phil shoots the screen.)

Phil: You killed Will Ferrell!

Senor Phil: I didn't kill him...I shot the screen though.

Phil: You killed the screen!

(Senor Phil pulls down Phil's pants.)

Senor Phil: C'mon let's get this over and done this.

Phil: Whatever happened to Mum?

Senor Phil: Philly...Philly is still alive and well...

Phil: Wait...you couldn't possibly be my Dad! My Dad's dead!

Senor Phil: Oh crap.

Phil: Oh crap what?

(Senor Phil goes down off-screen as Phil puts on a happy face then Phil punches him in the face.)

Phil: The time for gay oral sex is over! Who are you?

Senor Phil: I didn't want to tell you this but...

(Cut back to the set as Terror Snake is on the monitor as X is standing behind Birdman who's sitting back down on the desk, still handcuffed.)

Terror Snake: David Tench can also suck my balls.

(Pause.)

Birdman: Who's...

Terror Snake: Tennis balls that is.

(Pause.)

Birdman: Who's David Tench?

Terror Snake: Some (BLEEP)ing cocksucker that has his own animated talk show host show type thing in Australia.

Birdman: Really?

Terror Snake: For how long?

Birdman: Yeah...for how long?

Terror Snake: Long as my cock.

Birdman: Oh...

Terror Snake: You know...long as my rooster...cock...another name for rooster. I have cockfights with it.

Birdman: Oh...really, so you fight it against other roosters.

Terror Snake: No, we rip out our balls and slap each other with it...what the Hell did you think I meant?

X: I'm getting kinda bored just standing behind him, handcuffing him.

Terror Snake: SHUT UP!

(Terror Snake shoots out fire and X ducks and it sets Peanut on fire.)

Birdgirl: OH MY GOD! PEANUT!

Peanut: What...I'm fine.

Peter: Your...your...your on fire!

Peanut: I am?

Birdman: Yep...fire.

Peanut: (screaming) AAAAAAAAAGH! OH MY GOD!

(Peanut falls down.)

Birdman: Oh no!

(Choppers are heard in the background.)

Terror Snake: They're herrrrrrrrre.

Birdman: Who are here?

(FEAR helicopters, spaceships and hover-cars crash into the set as all the members run out.)

FEAR Boss: We're all here...let's kill Birdman!

Birdman: Will Ferrell where art thou?

(Cut to two dogs humping each other in the kitchen when Will Ferrell walks in.)

Will: So...this is where I went?

(Cut back to a freeze-frame of the set.)

Announcer: Will the group FEAR kill Birdman, get his crest and therefore have his (BLEEP)ty powers and get his talk show?

(Cut to a freeze-frame of Peanut lying on the ground on fire.)

Announcer: Is Peanut dead or what?

(Cut to a freeze-frame of the control room.)

Announcer: Who's the mystery man who dressed up as Phil's father who threatened to kill Phil if he didn't have a threesome with him and Avenger...find out after this commercial break.

(Cut to a full screen with Will Ferrell still in the kitchen where the two dogs are humping and it says down the bottom "A Night with Will Ferrell".)

Will: (looking at the dogs) Now that's just (BLEEP)ed up.

(Cut to commercial. Cut back to the full screen with Will Ferrell still staring at the two dogs humping with the title "A Night with Will Ferrell".)

Will: Still (BLEEP)ed up.

(Cut back to the freeze-frame of the set.)

Announcer: The last time we saw Birdman...HE WAS IN FABULOUS HAWAII!

(Cut to Birdman lying on the beach. Cut back to the set.)

Announcer: Here's Part Three to "Some Long Random Title I Forgot That Involved Insulting of Your Fat Dumb Mamma".

Birdman: If you want to kill me fine! If you want my crest fine! But I will not let you overhaul my talk show!

FEAR Boss: Oh we will overhaul the show!

Jace: (in FEAR outfit) What happened to X?

FEAR Boss: Where is X?

FEAR Member #1: We can't do it without him!

FEAR Boss: Yes we can...

(The handcuffs explode as Birdman flies off.)

FEAR Member #1: His the only one who knows how to congeal congealed metal together if it randomly explodes for no reason.

FEAR Boss: Bull(BLEEP)!

(Cut to the control room.)

Phil: Who are you?

(Senor Phil pulls off his mask revealing his Lokar.)

Lokar: I'm LOKAR!

Phil: Lokar!

(Cut back to the set.)

Jace: I heard Lokar's name and Lokar!

(Cut back to the control room.)

Phil: You're not Lokar!

Lokar: You're right I'm not Lokar...

(Lokar pulls off his mask revealing his Space Ghost.)

Space Ghost: Greetings.

Phil: You're not Space Ghost.

Space Ghost: Yes I am!

Phil: Prove it.

(Pause.)

Space Ghost: I am really...Gloop!

(Space Ghost pulls off his mask revealing his Gloop.)

Phil: Now this is getting crazy.

(Cut back to the set.)

FEAR Boss: Where is that son of a bitch X!

FEAR Member #2: Maybe we shouldn't call him a son of a bitch and...

Terror Snake: I know where X is.

Jace: The Terror Snake knows where X is!

Terror Snake: His in two steamed buns.

Jace: Two steamed buns?

Terror Snake: Buns of steel!

Jace: Buns?

Terror Snake: His trapped in two people's asses.

Jace: No his not.

Terror Snake: Yeah he is...

(Cut back to the control room.)

Phil: That's it I'm going to shoot you!

Gloop: Gloop Gleep Gloop, Gloop Gleep! (Subtitle: You wouldn't dare!)

Phil: I will dare!

Gloop: Gloop, Gloop Gleep Gloop, Gleep? (Subtitle: You know how to speak Gloop'n'Gleepinese?")

Phil: I just know how to read subtitles!

Gloop: Gloop, Gloop, Gloop, Gleep Gloop Gleep, Gleep Gloop Gleep Gloop Gleep, Gleep, Gloop Gleep, Gloop, Gloop, Gleep, Gloop Gleep Gloop, Gloop Gleep Gloop, Guh-leap (Subtitle: Oh)

(Cut back to the set.)

FEAR Boss: Here's what we know so far...X is in two people's asses.

Terror Snake: No...apparently his just trapped in one person's ass.

FEAR Boss: Really?

(A gun shot is heard.)

Jace: What the Hell was that!

(Cut to Phil lying dead in the control room.)

Phil: (V.O) I just had to do...I couldn't bare it anymore.

(Cut to Phil with a shotgun and Avenger staring at him.)

Phil: Falcon 7 wanted to do me.

Avenger: Caw?

(Avenger swoops over Falcon 7's corpse and grabs a mask revealing its Phil's Uncle Phillip.)

Phil: Hey it wasn't Falcon 7, it was my Uncle Phillip...hey Avenger, want to take his clothes off and have sex with it.

Avenger: CAW, CAW!

Phil: Suit yourself.

(Phil kneels down. Cut back to the set.)

Jace: Where's X...

Terror Snake: In Will Ferrell's ass!

Jace: And where's Will Ferrell?

(Cut to a live action kitchen with Will looking at the two dogs humping while X's head is up Will's ass.)

X: Help.

(Cut back to the set.)

FEAR Boss: Okay at least we know where X is, now where's Birdman!

Terror Snake: In...in...in fabulous Hawaii.

(Cut to Birdman lying on the beach, when a bird flies up and takes a dump on him and Birdman globs it all over himself.)

Birdman: Thanks for the sunscreen Mr. Bird!

(Cut back to the set.)

FEAR Boss: Let's get Birdman!

Jace: What about X?

FEAR Boss: Let him stay up some celebrity's ass!

Jace: Okay!

(Cut back to the control as Avenger has a shocked expression on his face as Phil is moaning in the background.)

Phil: (V.O) Oh, you dirty, slutty corpse.

(Beat as Phil moans some more as the close-up is still on Avenger as he starts vomiting.)

Phil: (V.O) You don't know what you're missing Avenger!

(Birdgirl walks in.)

Birdgirl: Dad I heard a gun shot before and...dad, are you sticking your penis in Uncle Phillip's mouth? OH MY GOD, Uncle Phillip looks like his dead.

Phil: (V.O) He is dead...what do you want sweetie?

Birdgirl: Incestuous necrophilia is just disgusting Dad!

Phil: (V.O) You can join in if you want Birdgirl!

Birdgirl: OH MY GOD!

(Birdgirl vomits and runs out. Cut back to Hawaii.)

Birdman: How come I smell like bird (BLEEP).

(FEAR Helicopters fly around in the background yelling "Kill Birdman".)

Birdman: Hey, the FEAR guys are gone.

(Cut back to the set as Birdman flies back in to the desk.)

Birdman: Okay I'm back...the FEAR guys ARE gone right?

Peanut: Oh yeah.

Peter: Hey Birdman, you smell kinda like...bird (BLEEP).

Birdman: I was just saying that.

(X flies back in and lands on the ground.)

Birdman: What happened to you X?

X: I fell sleep why handcuffed you and who would've thunk it I would wake up in Will Ferrell's ass, thank God he farted me out.

Peter: Hey X...you smell like celebrity (BLEEP).

Birdman: What happened to that Terror Snake?

Terror Snake: I'm still here Birdman!

Birdman: I have kinda had enough of you!

(Birdman blasts Terror Snake off the monitor as Will Ferrell is back on the monitor.)

Will: Where was I?

Birdman: Everything's back to normal.

(Birdgirl walks in.)

Birdgirl: Yeah...but not only does my Dad enjoy bestiality and incest, he also is a necrophiliac.

(Pause.)

Birdman: Blame it on Rio.

(End credits.)


	22. Viewer Mail

Birdman Coast to Coast

Viewer Mail

(Cut to the Mess Hall.)

Birdman: Mail's a-pilin'.

Phil: What mail?

(Pause as Birdman takes two sips of his coffee.)

Birdman: Over there.

(Birdman points off screen as the camera pans on all the huge stacks of mail.)

Peanut: Who'd write to us?

Birdman: Fans.

Peanut: Fans?

Birdman: And the FCC...mostly the FCC.

Peanut: Really?

Birdman: And we're going to answer it all tonight if it's the last thing I do.

(Opening credits.)

Phil: Tonight on Birdman Coast to Coast, Christine Lee & Ed (someone) and Ryan Rosenberg and Sean Medlock.

(Cut to the set as Birdman flies in from the left and sits on the desk.)

Birdman: Hey fans, we have Christine Lee and Ed (someone) winners of the 2005 and 2006 Adult Swim's Have It Your Way Contest, proudly sponsored by Burger King. And the winners of the Haikuin' for Space Ghost contest, Ryan Rosenberg and Sean Medlock...all the way back in 1997 or 1996 or...something.

Offscreen Person: Nobody likes a Jew-hu.

Birdman: Okay Mel Gibson, we get it.

Phil: Uh, Birdman that's my cousin Neil, his anti-Semitic.

Birdman: His made out of ant semen?

(Five minute pause. Birdman looks over and sees Christine Lee on his television.)

Birdman: Hello Christine.

Neal: (walking in) Nobody likes a Jew-hu!

Birdman: SHUT UP!

Neal: Jews are made out of...

Birdman: SHUT UP!

Christine: Hello people at the Sunlight Studios.

Birdman: Hello there Christine, you won the 2005 Have It Your Way Contest didn't you!

Christine: Yes I did.

Birdman: On the adult swim, right?

Christine: Yes.

Birdman: And this is the 550th episode we've made, right?

Christine: Yes.

Birdman: Okay then.

Neal: What do you call a Jew after he rolls around in the mud?

Birdman: Oh for (BLEEP) sake, I don't know...what.

Neal: A dirty Jew.

Birdman: Phil, can you escort your cousin out of here or something. His going to make Standards and Practises mad.

Phil: Ugh yeah sure okay, I'll get rid of him. If I'm allowed to make out with Avenger.

Birdman: Avenger...muh-my Avenger?

Phil: Yes.

Birdman: Why Avenger?

Phil: Because I haven't got over my animal sex problem yet.

Christine: Wait, what?

Neal: I can have some juice.

Birdman: Oh yeah sure, juice at the top cabinet.

Neal: I didn't say juice boy I said "can I have some Jews" so I can kill them, (BLEEP)ing money-making Jewballs.

Birdman: Um...uh, there are no Jews at this set.

Christine: Where did that Peanut go?

(Cut to an empty keyboard pod as Birdgirl, X and Peter look down there. The camera zooms down below to an underground cave as Peanut is staring at an orb of fire.)

Peanut (thinking to himself): If that Neal finds out my deadly secret I'm done for. While I'm waiting for him to leave, I shall write a diary of my thoughts and the actions to pass time.

(Cut back to the set as Phil is completely naked, (specific areas blurred out though) setting on Birdman's desk.)

Phil: No sex from Avenger, no service.

Birdman: Um, have sex with Christine, she likes it.

Christine: I beg your pardon.

Phil: No, I'm only interested in your eagle.

Birdman: (cut to a close-up of Birdman) Um Phil shouldn't you be...are you masturbating?

(Cut to a shot of Phil from the waist up.)

Phil: Um...yes?

Birdman: Nah, Phil!

Phil: Sorry, I saw Avengers Gone Wild the other day.

Birdman: What? Listen...if I give you Avenger to...do anything you want with him, will you promised to escort your cousin Neal out.

(Cut to Neal hiding behind a wall off set as he comes back up with a fake Hitler moustache wearing the Nazi uniform.)

Neal: HEIL HILTER!

(Cut back to the desk.)

Phil: (Up close shot of Phil as he is lying back) Okay.

Birdman: (V.O) Did you do what I just thought you did on my face, because if you did, I need to take a shower. And I'll um, go to commercial, I'll go take a shower and I might actually get around to answering those viewer mail after the break.

Phil: Yeah sure okay...does anyone have a towel?

(Cut to commercial. Cut to an up-close shot of Birdman's face.)

Birdman: I come back from my shower and...Christine's gone!

(Cut to a huge Nazi flag backdrop behind Birdman's desk.)

Neal: (peering out of the flag) HEIL HITLER!

Birdman: SHUT UP!

Ed: Hello, I'm Ed and I won this 2006 Have It Your Way Contest on the adult swim

Birdman: Oh okay, first letter.

Ed: Um, are you interrupting me?

(Birdman grabs out a letter.)

Birdman: "Dear Mr. Birdman, why are you acting out of character so much along with everyone else?"...to answer your question...shut the (BLEEP) up.

Ed: I um, don't really appreciate being put in the background like you do to the rest of your guests Birdman.

Birdman: Next letter is from Crystal, "Dear Mr. Birdman, your show is (BLEEP)ed up and it doesn't make any sense at all. Please explain what it has lasted so long?" Okay Crystal, because it appeals to the college boys who like seeing men ejaculating on other men's faces, men having sex with animals, gratuitous male nudity and bleeped out swearing that'll make a sailor blush.

Ed: Birdman?

Birdman: Next letter is from some guy from the adult swim message boards, AHEM, "Dear Birdman, anime is teh s uck"...point noted.

(Cut back to Peanut underground writing notes down.)

Peanut: (thinking to himself) "I want pizza, I want it now, I want it now, I want that pizza bursting in my door right now"...man, that's great. Now I all need to do is mail this to some singer.

(Cut to Avenger lying on a bed, presenting as Phil is looking at him, naked, (still blurred)

Phil: Oh Avenger, finally I can have you to myself. All I need to do now is ask Birdgirl for a three-way with me and you and I'll bet set.

(Phil grabs out a boombox and starts playing the song "At Last" and Phil starts approaching Avenger as Avenger starts sweating. Cut back to the set as Neal is pacing back and forth screaming "HEIL HITLER".)

Ed: And that is why, I, I just don't like that opinion.

Birdman: About anime sucking.

Ed: Yes.

Birdman: Okay...

Ed: Why are you doing this viewer mail thing anyway, isn't that why you have that segment with Reducto.

Birdman: That segment did not test well and was cut out. People were falling asleep...I was falling asleep. That and that Ask the Big Banana. I've got an (BLEEP)load of unaired footage from those two segments. Want them.

Ed: No.

Birdman: One of the footage has Simon Cowell criticizing Chuck Norris' singing on American Idol.

Ed: Nah.

Birdman: No...Chuck Norris storms in and karate-icizes him.

Ed: Not in to that.

Birdman: Then what are you into then?

Ed: Anime.

(Slight beat.)

Birdman: Loser.

(Neal stops screaming "Heil Hitler".)

Neal: (stops pacing) Is it, or is it that I smell evil.

Birdman: Probably the chickens in the Mess Hall.

Neal: No I smell a Jewish person...(SNIFF! SNIFF!) Two Jewish people.

(Cut underground as Peter is with Peanut.)

Peter & Peanut: (singing in their minds) Skyrockets in flight...BOOM! Afternoon delight!

(Cut back to the desk.)

Neal: Nobody likes a Jew-hu!

Birdman: Neal you're getting on my last nerve. Where is Phil and why isn't he done with Avenger yet.

(Cut to a black-and-white shot of Phil (still naked and blurred) holding Avenger up against a table feeling Avenger's butt and kissing a nervous Avenger's neck. Cut back to the desk.)

Birdman: I just hope Avenger's okay.

Ed: That's it, I'm out of here.

(Ed walks off as the monitor goes into static.)

Birdman: I almost forgot that on a talk show you gotta talk to guests. X?

X: Uh, yes Birdman?

Birdman: Go to the control room and send in our next guest.

X: Okay Birdman, I will not fail you!

(X walks off. Birdman looks over at the monitor as Sean Medlock is on the monitor.)

Birdman: Mphm, what's your name?

Sean: My name is Sean Medlock and I won the 1997 Haikuin' for Space Ghost contest.

Birdman: Yeah, sure...okay.

Sean: I'm a big fan of your work.

Birdman: Oh uh thanks.

(Birdman looks at his watch and then grabs out another letter.)

Birdman: "Dear Birdman, I am a big fan of your show I love it, my favourite episode is the one you sucked off Zorak" AHEM! That's a pilot I rather forgot about.

(Cut to a split second of Phil back-dooring Avenger in the other room. Cut back to the desk.)

Birdman: Okay Sean.

Sean: Yeah.

Birdman: Um...superheroes wearing underwear outside the pants, crazy huh? I mean, when you become third-rate I'm sure your local McDonalds has an underwear goes inside the pants policy. I mean, am I right?

Sean: I suppose.

Birdman: This is the most boring episode ever...I mean guest-wise of course.

(An army tank drives itself into the set as it nears the desk and Neal hops out.)

Neal: HEIL HITLER!

Birdman: Oh shut up.

Neal: Nobody likes a Jew-hu!

Birdman: Hey what did you do to Birdgirl?

(Cut to Birdgirl's rotting corpse.)

Neal: Yeah, I kinda ran her over while getting here with my army tank.

(Silence.)

Neal: Nobody likes a Jew-hu!

Birdman: SHUT UP!

(Cut to Phil making out with Avenger as Phil starts back-dooring him again.)

Phil: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

(Cut to Avenger's shocked expression.)

Phil: Open wide baby, because here it comes.

(Cut back to set as Neal is pacing back and forth again.)

Neal: I smell two Jews...telepathically playing guitars to each other underground.

(Cut to Peanut and Peter playing the opening strings to "a rock song". Cut to Phil and Avenger lying in a messy bed.)

Phil: Was as good for you as it was for me?

(Cut to Avenger's shocked face.)

Avenger: Caw?...CAW!

Phil: (turns to face him) Just as long as you see it my way?

Avenger: Caw, caw, caw-caw, caw, caw, caw-caw, caw-caw...caw-caw.

Phil: I...I...I love you too Avenger.

(Cut to Phil (now clothed) and Avenger singing "I Got You Babe" at a karaoke joint as they run in a midst of flowers, spin around holding each other, Phil and Avenger at the movie theatre with Phil putting his arm around him and Phil and Avenger river-dancing, then ice-skating in the snow. Cut back to the set as they walk in holding hands.)

Birdman: (about to read a letter) De...well look who finally decided to show up, how was the two-week sex?

Phil: Pleasurable and along the way me and Avenger fell in love even after he was a bit reluctant.

Birdman: Well isn't that nice well, your Nazi cousin is still here.

Phil: Oh yeah, I'll go and get rid of him.

Birdman: You better.

Avenger: Caw-caw?

Phil: Yes I know I said...

Avenger: Caw-caw-caw!

Phil: I'll do it later.

Avenger: CAW?

Phil: Because he wants me to do it now.

Avenger: Caw!!!!

(Avenger flies up and starts pecking Phil and flies off.)

Phil: NO! NO! MY ONE TRUE LOVE!

Birdman: I thought you said Birdgirl was your one true love.

Phil: Oh yeah.

(Phil walks off.)

Birdman: But don't have sex with her, she's been dead for two weeks or...it doesn't matter.

(Birdman looks at his hand and then looks at the monitor as Ryan Rosenberg is on it.)

Birdman: Who are you and what happened to Sean?

Ryan: I'm Ryan Rosenberg.

Birdman: And you're a woman.

Ryan: Yeah.

Birdman: And Ryan is a man's name.

(Beat.)

Ryan: Yeah but...

Birdman: (singing) If I could escape, escape, I know I've been a real bad girl born and raised in a real bad world.

Ryan: That's not how it goes.

Birdman: Your face isn't how it goes.

(Beat.)

Ryan: What?

Birdman: FACE!

Ryan: Beg your...

Birdman: Ease the squeeze.

(The tank squashes the desk as Neal hops out.)

Neal: HEIL HITLER!

Birdman: Oh hush.

(Cut to Peanut hanging upside down underground.)

Peanut: (thinking to self) Day 15, I killed and fried Peter as my only source of food hiding for Phil's crazy Nazi cousin...if he founds out I'm a Jew I'm killed.

(Cut to Peter lying on the ground with only his torso.)

Peter: ARE YOU GOING TO EAT THE REST OF ME OR WHAT! I'M IN GRAVE PAIN HERE!

Peanut: (whispering) Hush little hippo (thinking to self) I feel like going to the bathroom...thank god I've got in-door plumbing.

(Cut to Space Ghost covered in crap stains below him.)

Space Ghost: (to self) Not again.

(Cut back to Birdman at the desk.)

Birdman: (singing) Ashes to ashes, funk to funky, we all know Major Tom's a junkie.

Ryan: Why are you...

Birdman: (singing) There were times, lost a dream or two, found a friend and at the end was you, there's a path you take and a path not take, choice up to you my friend, life's along you might await to a brand new life, brand new life, brand new life around the bend.

Ryan: (beat) That's not how it goes.

Birdman: And how many times do I have to say it is!

Ryan: Why are you singing?

Birdman: To...to cover up the fact I've run out of things to say to my guests.

Ryan: Well, welcome Ryan might be a start.

Birdman: Oh okay, welcome Ryan.

Ryan: Welcome to the show.

Birdman: Welcome to the show.

Ryan: Okay, you're doing well so far.

Birdman: Okay, you're doing well so far.

Ryan: Stop copying me.

Birdman: Stop copying me.

Ryan: Seriously.

Birdman: Seriously.

Ryan: No I mean it.

Birdman: No I mean it.

Ryan: You're getting on my nerves.

Birdman: You're getting on my nerves.

Ryan: That's it, I'm leaving.

(Ryan walks off as the monitor goes static.)

Birdman: That's it, I'm leaving.

(Birdman gets up and starts walking until he bumps into Neal.)

Neal: Nobody likes a Jew-hu!

Birdman: Oh Jesus, hey Neal isn't the perfect race the Aryan race?

Neal: Duh.

Birdman: Blonde hair, blue eyes, athletic.

Neal: Yeah.

Birdman: While you...have black hair, hazel eyes and is scrawny.

Neal: What are you saying?

Birdman: To make the perfect race, you kinda also have to get rid of yourself.

Neal: Oh my god, you're right!

(Neal grabs a pistol and aims it at his head and then pulls the trigger, blowing his brains out as lies on the ground.)

Birdman: Janitor, clean up in the set.

(A janitor with a Nazi symbol on his shoulder walks in.)

Janitor: (sings to tune of "I'm Blue") I hate Jews, dada dee dada, I hate Jews more then cleaning up spew.

(Birdman groans and grabs the pistol from Neal's hand shoots the Janitor straight in the head as his brains go lying on the floor.)

Birdman: Understudy!

(A man wearing a blue shirt and white pants walks in.)

Understudy Janitor: I'm a Mel Gibson fan!

Birdman: Oh (BLEEP), that's just killing the joke!

(Birdman grabs out a pistol again and shoots the Understudy Janitor.)

Birdman: (angry) ANYMORE ANTI-SEMITICS!

(X the Eliminator creeps in as Birdman shoots him.)

Birdman: Anyone else?

(Beat.)

Birdman: Where's that Peanut, I think he has Jew thing or something.

(Birdman walks up to the keyboard pod.)

Birdman: He just disappeared.

(Birdman looks down as machinery is heard as Birdman is being pulled down, screaming. Cut to Phil (naked and blurred) back-dooring Birdgirl's corpse.)

Phil: Yeah, take that you slut. Yeah, you dirty bitch...

(Phil then stops.)

Phil: Uh, she isn't any better then Avenger... I mean at least he was alive.

(Phil (still naked and blurred) walks off and up to Avenger in the control room.)

Phil: Avenger...are you still mad I didn't do what you wanted me to do but Birdman wanted me to get rid of my cousin?

(Cut to Avenger as he says nothing.)

Phil: C'mon baby, if you forgive me say something.

(Cut back to Avenger as he still says nothing.)

Phil: Oh...I see.

(Phil starts crying and runs off and runs to the set and slips on Neal's, Janitor's, Understudy Janitor's and X's corpses.)

Phil: My cousin's dead too? Oh this hasn't been my day.

(Cut to the keyboard pod as Birdman comes up wearing one of those Hawaiian neck things and holding a scotch on the rocks as disco lights are coming out.)

Birdman: C'mon everyone, Peanut's holding a party underground!

Phil: Why is he underground for?

Birdman: I don't know.

(Birdman goes back down. Cut back to underground as Phil (still naked and blurred) is dancing along with Birdman and Peanut as the episode's guests are on separate screens on robots dancing along as Space Ghost hangs in the corner with more crap stains than last time.)

Space Ghost: I just don't know why adult swim treats me like crap.

(Cut to the FCC spaceship from "Law Suite", subtitle: "FCC Headquarters". Cut inside as Master Emperor is inside with a guard.)

Master Emperor: Denote it.

(The guard presses the denote button as it launches missiles that heads to Sunlight Studios making it explode.)

Master Emperor: Excell...

(FCC Headquarters explodes. Cut to a spaceship with the Nazi symbol on it above where the FCC ship was, subtitle then appears reading: "Nazi Headquarters".)

Nazi Leader: Schneh-schneh topcoplakof!

Nazi #2: Jews are the cause of every war...

Nazi #3: HEIL HITLER!

(Nazi Headquarters explodes, and on above it is a ship with the "Star of David" on it, subtitle now reads: "Jew Headquarters".)

Jew Leader: So, we have finally defeated the Nazis, now...the world.

(Moses in pig-form walks in.)

Moses: Oh no you don't.

Jew Leader: Greg, stop eating that pig, Moses is here!

Moses: I shall destroy the world with global warming. Global is my middle name, warming is last...you know with my separating oceans trick.

Jew Leader: Yeah, okay, you can destroy the world with global warming.

(Moses pulls out two machines and starts shooting in the air.)

Moses: (BLEEP) yeah!

(End credits.)


	23. Aired

Birdman Coast to Coast

Aired

(Cut to a big fancy law firm where Moltar is sitting talking to Lokar.)

Moltar: Okay, so you want to sue Birdman on the charge of...

Lokar: Unfairly dismissing me.

Moltar: Oh yeah, you got fired last season after a couple of episodes. That "Normal Music" was hilarious, well not really but the part you got fired was...

Lokar: JUST GET TO THE BLOODY POINT!

Moltar: Okay I'm sorry; this is my first day of being a lawyer so I don't know the kinks yet so um...

Lokar: Will you represent me or not?

Moltar: Um...uh...sure.

Lokar: Yes...everything's coming together.

Moltar: What's coming together?

Lokar: WHAT DO YOU BLODDY WELL THINK!

(Opening credits.)

Phil: Tonight on Birdman Coast to Coast, the first ever live broadcast of a talk show in outer space with an array of stars and a hostess with the mostess or the host with the most, anyway here's...

(Cut to desk as Birdman smashes in.)

Birdman: Hello and welcome to Birdman Coast to Coast and it's a live show tonight, how can I prove it?

(Birdman flips the dirty bird.)

Birdman: (walking and sitting in his desk) Welcome my first guest tonight in this _live _broadcast, is wrestler turned actor turned rapper turned...John Cena!

John: (appearing in screen) Hello Birdman.

Birdman: Welcome John, are you feeling comfortable sitting on the almighty comfortable stool!

John: No.

Birdman: Oh.

John: Yeah.

Birdman: Okay.

John: Sure.

Birdman: Sure, okay...John Cena everyone, wasn't that a treat!

John: Are you...

(John disappears.)

Birdman: Our next guests are two members of the band Metallica, Kirk Hamitt and James Hedfeld

(Kirk and James appear sitting on two chairs together.)

Birdman: Welcome to the show.

Kirk: Thank you...

James: (overlapping) Yes, thank you...Space Ghost.

Birdman: (beat) Space Ghost?

(Birdman blasts them off the screen as it cuts to Burt Ward.)

Birdman: Burt Ward, everyone!

Peanut: Did you just kill Kirk Hamitt and James Hedfeld?

Birdman: No Peanut, they're just _severely injured_. You got that?

Peanut: Um, I suppose?

Burt: I got it.

Birdman: Good Burt's on my side...aren't you Burt?

Burt: Yes I am.

Birdman: Everyone I just made up a song in dedication to Burt Ward in supporting him...AHEM (singing) My little pony, my little pony.

Burt: That's kind of a girly product.

Birdman: You're a girly product!

(Birdman blasts him off screen replacing him with Adam West holding his book from the SGC2C episode "Batmantis".)

Birdman: That book is as old as you.

(Birdman blasts him off and replaces him with Matt Groening.)

Birdman: Weren't you on this show before?

Matt Groening: Yes I was.

Peanut: Did you just _severely injure _Adam West and Burt Ward?

Birdman: No Peanut, I had a tea party with him...wait hold on.

Matt Groening: My comic strip Life in Hell...

Birdman: Enjoy your life in Hell.

(Birdman blasts him off screen and is replaced with Seth MacFarlane.)

Birdman: Do you want a tea party, Mr. Seth MacFarlane creator of Family Guy, American Dad, The Winner (cut to Seth looking on and back to Birdman) guest voice on Aqua Teen Hunger Force, The Pitts, was on The War at Home had a bit on one of the Star Trek series and so on and so forth.

Seth: Um...okay...what was the question?

(Birdman blasts him off and he is replaced with Steven Wright.)

Peanut: How many guests did you book tonight?

Birdman: Um, so far we've had 7 out of 30 guests booked tonight.

Steven Wright: On my way to Atlanta I passed by a pass called, called 70/30 productions.

(Beat.)

Birdman: Who's this joker?

Steven Wright: I'm Steve...

Birdman: I didn't ask for your life story.

(Birdman blasts him off replacing him with Mike Myers and Dana Carvey.)

Birdman: TEA PARTY!

(Mike and Dana look at each other and then laugh as Birdman blasts them off replacing them with Jason Bateman.)

Birdman: Hey it's that Bateman that was on Family Ties, do you want a tea party with me?

Jason: I was on "Valerie".

Birdman: Oh...I must have you mistaken for someone else.

(Birdman blasts him off replacing him with Gary Coleman.)

Birdman: It's Gary Coleman everyone, say Gary, whatacha talking about Willis?

Gary: (BLEEP) you.

(Gary walks off.)

Birdman: Um...what did I say that was wrong?

Peanut: Did his swearing get bleeped on a live broadcast?

Birdman: No, it might seem that way, but he really did say (BLEEP).

(Birdman looks over and Seth Green is on the monitor.)

Birdman: Creator of Robot Chicken everyone!

Seth Green: Hi.

Birdman: Creator of Robot Chicken, do you want a tea party with me?

Seth Green: Sweet, cool...I'm down with that.

Birdman: Oh Creator of Robot Chicken, you make me happy.

Seth Green: Sweet.

Birdman: Creator of Robot Chicken, did you bring a teapot?

Seth: No.

Birdman: You sadden me Creator of Robot Chicken.

(Birdman blasts him off. He is replaced with Robin Williams.)

Birdman: OH HOLY (BLEEP) (BLEEP) CRAP DAMN WHORE SLUT BITCH FAG FAGGOT (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP).

Peanut: Birdman!

Birdman: HOLY MOTHER OF (BLEEP) it's him!

Peanut: Birdman.

Birdman: What?

Peanut: It's live.

Birdman: I know that Peanut, but (BLEEP)ing Robin Williams I thought we were getting that (BLEEP) Robbie Williams.

Peanut: Birdman.

Birdman: What?

Peanut: Live.

Robin: Hello Birdman, I'm really happy to be on this little show of yours.

Birdman: And so you should...say Robin, are you up for a tea party?

Robin: Yes I brought a teapot and everyone just in case, I...I would be asked that.

Birdman: OH MOTHER OF (BLEEP)ING (BLEEP)! He even brought a teapot...and everything,

Robin: Should we just set up now or?

Birdman: Yes let's.

Robin: Oh crap, I left it in my car sorry.

Birdman: Oh okay go to your car then.

Robin: You see that's the thing, my car's all the way back in LA I left it with um, a friend.

Birdman: Oh...I see, you give me a glimmer of hope and you crush it down again...goodbye Robin!

(Birdman blasts him off the screen as he is replaced with Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carolla.)

Birdman: Who the Hell are you two!

(Jimmy opens his mouth as Birdman blasts them off the screen as they are replaced with Wayne Brady.)

Birdman: Oh a black guy, fun!

Wayne: Hey Birdman, I had a talk show...

Birdman: Could you give me some advice!

Wayne: It's cancelled now so...

Birdman: Oh.

(Birdman blasts him off the screen and he is replaced with Paul Westerberg.)

Birdman: I...

(Paul tears off his microphone and puts it to his mouth.)

Paul: (yelling to microphone) (BLEEP) YOU!

(Paul walks off.)

Birdman: He didn't have to be so rude, sheesh.

(John Flansburgh is on the television.)

John: Hello.

Birdman: It's John Flansburgh of "They Might Be Giants"...so are they are not?

John: (staring) What?

Birdman: This is a talk show, not a stare show.

John: Beg...beg your pardon.

Birdman: T-a-lk show not be-g show.

John: Oh okay.

Birdman: Oh...

(Beat.)

Birdman: I know it's a talk show but that doesn't mean it has to be always boring!

(Birdman blasts him off the screen. He is replaced with Matt Maierello and Dave Willis.)

Birdman: Ladies and gentlemen, the creators of Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

Matt: Hey Sunlight Studios.

Dave: Sup' Brak.

Brak: (off screen) I'm down with that.

(Birdman looks off-stage.)

Birdman: What was that?

Brak: (off screen) Uh...um...uh...

Birdman: What?

Matt: Um.

Birdman: (looking at Dave) Or what?

Dave: We just came here to promote...

Birdman: You promote nothing!

(Beat.)

Brak: (off screen) I'm actually Space Ghost.

Birdman: Space Ghost?

Brak: (off screen) Yeah, that's it! Space Ghost!

(Birdman blasts Brak off-screen.)

Matt: Whoa Space Ghost, man...

Dave: Yeah Space Ghost, man...

Birdman: My name's Birdman, not Space Ghost man.

(Birdman is about to blast the screen when they are replaced with Moltar.)

Birdman: Moltar, I don't remember booking you.

Moltar: That's cause you didn't. Now Space Ghost man.

Birdman: It's Birdman.

Moltar: Yeah, whatever...Lokar's suing.

Birdman: Suing for what, I gave him everything he needed!

Moltar: Everything except love and...money.

Birdman: Oh...

Moltar: And unfairly dismissing him.

Birdman: Listen you're ruining my show so uh...

Moltar: So what?

(Long beat.)

Birdman: Good point there...since when were you a lawyer anyway?

Moltar: Since 10am but I think I know all to work things lawyer-style.

Birdman: Well last time I checked, I'm a lawyer too so...

(Birdman stands up hitting a light bulb like in HB: AAL's "Deadomutt Part II".)

Birdman: I'll take the case!

(Phil walks over to the desk.)

Phil: Hey Birdman.

Birdman: Oh...hi Phil.

Phil: So um, my pants very like they're going to break apart.

Birdman: What?

Phil: So yeah...about that.

(Cut back to Moltar on the monitor, Lokar then joins him.)

Lokar: That man unfairly fired me.

Birdman: Lokar...

Phil: My pants are going to break...

Birdman: Phil.

Lokar: Phil.

Birdman: Birdman.

Phil: Lokar!

(Phil's pants break apart as everyone stares for a long time.)

Birdman: I haven't noticed before but Phil's pretty well-hung.

Moltar: Oh...my...God! Wardrobe malfunction!

Lokar: Oh I like what I'm seeing.

Birdman: I thought you were straight now?

Lokar: Nope, now I'm bi.

(Cut to a wide shot of the Birdman Coast to Coast as Birdman faces the camera as Phil is holding Avenger to cover up his partial nudity.)

Birdman: We'll be back with more Birdman Coast to Coast Live, after these ad breaks!

(Cut to Matt and Dave lying on grass in a live action background staring up at the sun.)

Matt: How did we get from Birdman Coast to Coast to here?

Dave: Don't ask I think I'm a in state of being in a coma while awake.

(Cut to commercial. Cut back to the set as Phil is now holding Birdgirl to cover his shame, down the bottom a watermark reading "Live" suddenly appears.)

Birdman: So I have to that watermark to remind people this is live.

Bob: (over plug in Birdman's ear) Yes.

Birdman: Oh okay, welcome back viewers to Birdman Coast to Coast Live!

Lokar: Birdman!

Birdman: What?

Lokar: We're still suing.

Birdman: We know...

Phil: Birdman!

Birdman: What!

Phil: (now holding X) I had a wardrobe malfunction.

Birdman: We all know damn it!

Phil: Okay, just reminding you.

Birdman: And thanks to you the FCC wants us cancelled...for the umpteenth time!

Phil: It's not my fault they're dicks.

Birdman: WHAT!

Phil: I said it's not my fault they're pricks.

Birdman: Don't say that!

Phil: No see, I said it's not my fault they're pricks and dicks.

Moltar: Okay bird (BLEEP), see you in court.

Lokar: Yeah, bird (BLEEP) and bring your Momma so me and Moltar can (BLEEP) her.

Moltar: No Lokar, that's not really something people want to do, they joke about it though.

Lokar: No I'm serious; I want to (BLEEP) his Momma.

(Cut to Avenger watching this in the control room and then switching it to "The Mighty Boosh" episode "Old Gregg the Funky Merman" to the watch the full "Love Games" song starting from Howard saying: "Maybe...I could love you". Cut back to the desk.)

Birdman: Our next guests are Greta van Sustern, Courtney B. Vance and Stephanie March.

(Cut to all three on the monitor.)

Birdman: You were all on this show before weren't you?

Courtney B. Vance: Guilty as charged.

Birdman: Sorry, no return guests!

(Birdman blasts them as they are replaced with U2.)

Birdman: U2, we've met before haven't we?

Bono: On this show, I'm sure.

Birdman: Another set of return guests, sheesh.

(Birdman blasts them off as they are replaced with Will Ferrell.)

Birdman: Will Ferrell! Now I know you were on this show before!

(Cut to Avenger watching all of the "The Yeti Song" from "The Mighty Boosh" episode one from season two. Cut back to the desk)

Birdman: Phil, what are you doing?

(Cut to Phil with a censored sticker over his penis.)

Phil: It's to cover my naughtiness.

Birdman: Yeah, okay...

(Cut to Christine Lee from the last episode on the screen.)

Christine: Hello...

Birdman: UGH, RETURN GUEST!

(Birdman blasts her off and is replaced with Ed.)

Birdman: UGH, ANOTHER RETURN GUEST!

(Birdman blasts him off as he is replaced with Sean Medlock.)

Birdman: ANOTHER RETURN GUEST!

(Birdman blasts him off as he is replaced with Ryan Rosenberg.)

Birdman: Get off my monitor!

(Birdman blasts her off as it goes into static.)

Birdman: Well, that was my roster of guests I had tonight.

Peanut: What have you against return guests?

Birdman: I don't know, it just seems gimmicky to say "here's U2, they're been on the show before but we love 'em".

Peanut: Oh okay.

(Cut back to Avenger as he stares at the screen as he starts drooling and starts floating off. Cut backstage as officers from the "FCC" run in.)

FCC Officer #1: I'm getting pretty (BLEEP)ing sick of raiding these studios.

FCC Officer #2: I (BLEEP)ing know, I (BLEEP)ing know. So, what do you plan to do tonight?

FCC Officer #1: I don't know, it's pretty (BLEEP)ing (BLEEP)sville tonight.

FCC Officer #2: Yeah, (BLEEP) Christ.

FCC Officer #1: Did you just say (BLEEP) Christ?

FCC Officer #2: No I said Jesus Christ, I have no idea why (BLEEP) was just censored.

FCC Officer #1: Yeah, okay bitch.

(Cut back to the studio.)

Birdman: I love eating Cleveland steamers...

(Moltar disrupts the static and appears on the monitor.)

Moltar: That's it, we're suing right now!

Birdman: Okay, do it.

Moltar: You do it, I got over 30 guests on the line complaining about their treatment on the show.

Birdman: That means horse (BLEEP)!

Peanut: Birdman, live.

Birdman: I could've sworn it was censored though.

Peanut: Well, it wasn't...

Birdman: No? Cause...I heard a bleep.

Moltar: Yeah, I heard a bleep too.

Peanut: Yeah whatever, (to self) Just that your both (BLEEP)ing deaf.

(Phil walks in still with the censored sticker.)

Phil: I don't even know why we decided to do the show live.

Birdman: Because I had an appointment next taping.

Phil: Oh.

Birdman: Okay.

Off-screen Woman: Oh Moltar, splooged yet.

Moltar: You'll know when it hits your mouth now keep sucking, Linda!

(Cut to a one minute shot of just Moltar face up.)

Moltar: Okay you're done.

Linda: (V.O) Oh, it tastes so good.

Moltar: My semen tastes like sauce.

Linda: (V.O) No just regular semen, all sticky and that's the way I like it.

Moltar: No it tastes like sauce I've had it before!

(Beat. Lokar walks in the monitor.)

Moltar: Let's change the sub...

Lokar: We're set to go to court tomorrow right?

Moltar: Yeah.

Jan: (V.O) Have you splooged yet Lokar?

Lokar: Oh honey, you'll know when it hits your mouth. Just keep sucking.

(Cut to a one-minute face shot of Lokar with his eyes closed then he opens it.)

Lokar: Okay, you're done.

Jan: (V.O) Oh it tastes so good.

Lokar: My semen, it tastes like honey.

Jan: (V.O) No just regular semen, all sticky and that's the way I like it.

Lokar: No it's honey, I've had it before.

(Beat. Avenger floats in and starts singing in caws to the tune of "The Yeti Song" off "The Mighty Boosh" as everyone else becomes hypnotised and starts dancing and also start singing the song they spin around and all now in hippie clothes, Lokar, Moltar Jan and Linda are now in the studio also singing and dancing in the hippie clothes as the two FCC officers run in.)

FCC Officer #1: Get the (BLEEP) down on the floor!

FCC Officer #2: Well, it looks like someone put them all in trance, be careful partner or they'll put as in a trance it's what they do before they rape you.

FCC Officer #1: Okay, I'll just block it out, but...what about you partner?

FCC Officer #2: Don't worry, my mind's like a (BLEEP)ing fortress!

(FCC Officer #2 walks off, the FCC Officer #2 is now in the hippie clothes and dances and sings along with the rest, as FCC Officer #1 then spins off and joins them, they all then suddenly take their clothes off and get into a orgy along with Birdgirl, Peter and X joining them. The "Live" watermark disappears. End credits.)


	24. Sex Ed

Birdman Coast to Coast

Sex Ed

(Cut to Birdman, Phil and Peanut in the mess hall.)

Birdman: Listen, Bob said we have to do an educational episode on sex this week.

Peanut: Why?

Birdman: I don't know, because the FCC wants us to show viewers that things like oral sex, anal sex, premarital sex, masturbation, erections, bestiality, incest, group sex, ejaculation, rape and necrophilia are serious subjects and not things you can joke about on a show on 3am rated TV-MA on a block called "[adult swim".

Phil: (laughing) Pff...you said "serious".

Peanut: Oh, okay.

Birdman: Yes we brought out Paris Hilton, Brenda Hampton and Jenny Jones.

Phil: I know who Jenny Jones and I definitely know who Paris Hilton is, but who's Brenda Hampton?

Birdman: I don't know, some creator of some show that deals with Christian issues a lot.

(Opening credits.)

Phil: (V.O over opening credits) Tonight on Birdman Coast to Coast, Paris Hilton, Brenda Hampton and Jenny Jones on tonight's show and now here's...

(Cut to the set as Birdman smashes through the set as a man on a ladder paving the hole that Birdman constantly smashes through every week falls down on the ground and then Birdman lands on him and stands on him.)

Birdman: Tonight on Birdman Coast to Coast, I'm here to talk about sex...baby. With Paris Hilton, Brenda Hampton and Jenny Jones. Why sex? Because you and me baby ain't nothing but mammal so let's do it like they do it on the Discovery Channel.

(Peanut, X, Birdgirl and Peter play a bit of the instrumental part of the song "You and Me Baby Ain't Nothing But Mammal So Let's Do it Like They Do it on the Discovery Channel" until Birdman walks over to the desk and sits on the chair.)

Birdman: Please welcome my first guest, she was in the slammer and sucked some guy's cock in a tape, please welcome Paris Hilton.

(Paris appears on the monitor.)

Birdman: Paris, now that's a pretty name...

Paris: Why thank you, that's hot.

Birdman: ...for an ugly woman.

Paris: What?

Birdman: I mean, I knew your "looks", is that the word, are overrated but damn (BLEEP) son your ugly.

Paris: Why are you being mean to me?

Birdman: Because it's about time someone tried...to be mean...instead of saying how pretty you are.

Paris: I...

Birdman: What happened to that Chihuahua of yours anyway?

Peanut: Birdman, aren't you meant to be talking about sex with her?

Birdman: Oh yeah...you sucked some guy's cock in a tape that was all greeny weren't you?

Paris: I beg your pardon.

Birdman: I mean, your ugly man, the guy was more attractive then you. And I'm not gay...

(Zorbird flies from the air and lands on the desk as Birdman looks at him.)

Birdman: ...much.

Repairman: (still on the ground) Ow, can someone please help me up?

Birdman: Who are you?

Repairman: (stands up) The repairman that has to fix the hole you always make a hole through week after week after week, just so next week you smash through it again for some (BLEEP)ing introduction.

Birdman: Um...are you okay?

Repairman: Oh yeah, ladder smacked me in the face and in the groin and you stood on the side of my stomach but other then that yeah I'm fine.

Birdman: Oh...good.

Repairman: (looking over at the monitor) Is that Paris Hilton?

Birdman: Yes that's "Look at Me I'm so Hot".

Paris: I don't insult you don't you...

Repairman: Hey, she is hot.

(Cut to Phil sitting naked on the desk holding Zorbird.)

Phil: Yeah she is hot isn't she?

Birdman: Were you molesting him when I wasn't looking.

Phil: No, I was looking to have my way with Paris and I molested him to pass time.

Zorbird: He touched my no-no's.

Birdman: Oh Phil, you're a paedophile too now?

Phil: I'm a lot of things and mysterious. Because of the eye-patch. Eye-patch also makes me look cool.

Birdman: Why do you have that eye-patch?

Phil: Funny story, you know how they say don't look directly at your penis while masturbating.

Birdman: No.

Phil: (overlapping) Don't.

Birdman: Yeah, okay...Phil. Great advice. That's topical sex...don't look directly at your penis when you're jerkin' it. Otherwise, your splooge will hit your eye and blind you.

Repairman: Listen, I won't press charges on you causing my injury by smashing in through the roof...if I get to screw Paris Hilton.

Phil: Me too.

Zorbird: Me too.

Paris: Me too.

(Birdman looks around. He then taps his cue cards.)

Birdman: Repairman, you're like what 56.

Repairman: 69 and that's exactly what I'll do to Paris Hilton if you allow me to.

Phil: Me too.

Zorbird: Me too.

Paris: Me too.

Birdman: And Zorbird, you're only 13...or 12...or something young.

Zorbird: No, no...I'm ready!

Birdman: You are not.

Zorbird: No...no...Mom said he lost his virginity when he was 9.

Birdman: That's human years, in mantis years that's like...9.

(Beat.)

Birdman: You're still not (BLEEP)ing Paris Hilton, understand. In fact, one will (BLEEP) her. I have strict rules about people in the set (BLEEP)ing guests. Understood.

Paris: No, no...I want too.

Birdman: Okay, go ahead Phil, set repairman and Zorbird. You can stick all three of your dicks inside that overrated slut.

Paris: WHAT?!

Birdman: Oh now Ms Slut rejects...(BLEEP) her anyway.

(The Repairman strips himself and takes off his clothes as he jumps on the monitor.)

Birdman: Whoa, whoa, whoa...no screwing the monitor. Here's the address of the studio she's from live via satellite

(Birdman hands the repairman a post-it as Phil follows the repairman away from the studio. Zorbird then joins them, now naked (blurred though, also Phil and repairman's nudity is blurred).)

Birdman: Well that's all the time we have with Paris Hilton now we have...

(Cut to Phil, the Repairman and Zorbird inside the monitor with Paris as they jump on her. The monitor then goes static. Birdman looks on and blinks twice.)

Birdman: Well that's all the time we have with Paris Hilton, now please welcome creator of the cancelled 7th Heaven, Brenda Hampton.

(Brenda Hampton appears on the monitor.)

Brenda: Hello Suninites.

Birdman: Excuse me there...Suninites?

Brenda: Yeah, I thought you were taping on the sun.

Birdman: Wait...hold on...hold on...hold on. Oh yeah, we do...oh (BLEEP), I forgot my sunscreen, to the sunscreen parlour!

(Beat.)

Birdman: Avenger.

(Avenger flies in and craps on Birdman's face as Birdman starts wiping it all over his skin.)

Birdman: Whoa, this is good sunscreen Avenger's producing.

(Cut to Brenda's shocked face.)

Brenda: Did you just put bird (BLEEP) all over your skin?

(Cut back to Birdman, covered in Avenger's white poop.)

Birdman: If by bird (BLEEP), you mean "damn that's some good (BLEEP) that bird is producing through his ass...which...which is sunscreen".

(Beat.)

Birdgirl: Ms Brenda Hampton...

Birdman: AVENGER! More sunscreen!

(Avenger craps all over Birdman's face again as he wipes it on himself.)

Birdman: I got hooked on this stuff in the service.

Birdgirl: Here's something that involves sex, I'm the token girl in this show and all the guys around me have boners.

(Cut to X and Peter looking at Birdgirl with boners.)

Birdgirl: And my dad who thinks I'm someone completely different wants to (BLEEP) me to the sun shines once again.

Brenda: Guys are interesting specimens aren't they?

Birdman: Oh we not that different...now Avenger, more ass sunscreen!

(Avenger moans.)

Peanut: I don't have a boner over you Birdgirl.

(Peanut stands up and it is revealed, he too has an erection.)

Peanut: Now move it I need to go to the bathroom to uh...make something cry...yes that's it.

(Peanut walks off.)

Peanut: (V.O) Through my penis.

(X and Peter quickly follow him.)

Birdgirl: Even Avenger has a boner over me.

(Cut to Avenger as his naked boner is blurred because he wears no clothes.)

Birdman: Listen Birdgirl, if it makes you feel any better.

(Birdman stands up and walks over to Birdgirl too console her.)

Birdgirl: Don't touch me you got bird defecation all over you...and you also got an erection.

(Cut out to reveal he has an erection.)

Birdman: Boner, it's a boner.

Birdgirl: Whatever, the point is I can't be taken seriously when all the guys around me have extension programs in their pants.

Birdman: I wear spandex.

Birdgirl: WHATEVER!

Birdman: I like spandex, so shoot me why not?

(Cut to Birdgirl with a gun.)

Birdgirl: Okay I'm ready, are you ready?

Birdman: That was just um, a figure of speech.

Brenda: Whoa, whoa...put the gun down.

(Birdgirl places the gun down near the keyboard.)

Brenda: Now you don't like how you're not treated seriously.

Birdman: This sucks.

(Birdman faces towards the desk and starts walking towards it as Avenger is lying on the top, sweating.)

Birdman: More ass sunscreen!

(Avenger just pants.)

Birdman: Oh...you need some pickles to get you going?

(Birdman grabs out a jar of pickles and puts it all in Avenger's mouth as he quickly gets back up and craps all over Birdman and then he gets back to the position he was before.)

Birdman: You know we can be millionaires with that rare sunscreen of ours. We need to sell it all over the streets, I tells ya! It'll give me more money then that...lawyer job I had.

(Avenger quickly gets up shocked.)

Birdman: Yep, that's right...way more money.

(Birdman grabs Avenger and puts him on his shoulders and proceeds to walk off set until a sick Phil, Zorbird smoking a cornpipe with a robe and a naked Repairman walk in.)

Birdman: What the Hell is going on? What are you three doing so soon after...46 minutes, whoa that only seemed like three or two or something?

Birdgirl: You spent most of that time putting bird crap all over yourself. In fact, guest Brenda Hampton left while you were feeding Avenger pickles just so you can get that (BLEEP) all over yourself

Birdman: It's not bird crap or bird (BLEEP), it's ultra rare bird's ass sunscreen okay, that's what I'm calling it now, because it's marketable. Me and Avenger are going to start a business.

(Avenger groans.)

Birdman: Now what are you three doing back?

Phil: I've got crabs.

Zorbird: I'm a man.

Repairman: I'm a choo-choo.

Birdman: Huh...I wonder if Peanut, X and Peter are finished masturbating in the stalls yet?

(Cut to a bathroom stall full of Vietnamese people as Peanut and X are sitting next to a Vietnamese man (wearing a eye patch) as Peter walks in to watch, as the Vietnamese man puts a gun on the table as suspenseful music builds up.)

Vietnamese Man: Giddy maw! Giddy maw!

Peanut: Don't blame us for looking directly at our penises when we were jerkin' it.

(Cut to commercial. Cut to the desk with a sign in the background that says "Ultra Rare Bird's Ass Sunscreen", as Avenger sits on the desk.)

Birdman: Listen Avenger, Phil's in the hospital.

(Phil's lying on the ground.)

Phil: I'm right here Birdman.

Birdman: The point is he has crabs!

Birdgirl: I didn't even know who you could get really sick from crabs.

Birdman: Well you can, PHIL'S THE EVIDENCE!

Birdgirl: Do you even know what crabs are?

Birdman: Yes...um...crabs.

Birdgirl: Pubic lice, he obviously got it from Paris Hilton.

Birdman: That disease ridden slut. Where was I, oh yeah...the point is we need to sell as many of these to pay for that surgery so Phil can get rid of his crabs.

Birdgirl: It's pubic lice; they have a special kind of shampoo for it.

Phil: Ha, ha! Poo

Birdman: So we need to sell...all our sunscreen to our next guest which is...

Birdgirl: Jenny Jones.

Birdman: Who or what is Jenny Jones?

Birdgirl: She's your next guest.

Birdman: Great Avenger, send her in!

(Avenger looks at him.)

Birdman: Birdgirl, send him in!

Phil: (V.O) Her.

Birdman: Birdgirl, send him in!

Birdgirl: (with Phil's voice) Her...

(Beat.)

Birdgirl: (normal) I've been working my dad, uh, Phil impression.

(Birdgirl looks on and quickly runs off, Jenny Jones appears on the screen.)

Birdman: We're now here to talk to Jenny Jones about sexual intercourse.

Jenny Jones: (laughs) What?

Birdman: The sex...what about moustache rides what's up with them?

Jenny Jones: (laughs) Excuse me.

Birdman: Jenny, have you ever given away moustache rides.

Jenny Jones: I do not fully understand what's going on here. Can someone please...?

Birdman: Crabs.

Jenny Jones: Um...excuse me, what?

Birdman: Phil has grabs.

Phil: (this time it's really Phil) Crabs.

Birdman: Grabs, so um...I need to sell this sunscreen so we can pay for surgery to exterminate those little (BLEEP)ers.

Jenny Jones: And...?

Birdman: You want some?

Jenny Jones: Sure, you can never be to sun-protective.

Birdman: Yep, you just can't, can't you?

Jenny Jones: Nope.

Birdman: Yep, that's the truth.

Jenny Jones: Where does it come from?

Birdman: Avenger's ass.

Jenny Jones: His ass.

Phil: Birdman, I'll be in the hospital.

(Phil quickly runs off. Repairman falls in as a doctor pops out.)

Doctor: The repairman is now a vegetable we have him on life support.

Birdman: A vegetable, what caused him to be a vegetable?

Doctor: Um...um...uh...

(Cut to a sheet the Doctor is holding that says "Every Hole is a Goal".)

Doctor: Every hole is a goal.

Jenny Jones: What?

Doctor: Whoops, I mean...

(Doctor switches to the other side.)

Doctor: Oh here it is: Really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really rough sex.

Repairman: I'm a choo-choo.

Birdman: Okay, where's the chord?

Doctor: All the way back in the hospital.

(Cut to the hospital as Phil runs in, trips over the cord as the cord gets pulled this way and lands on the really old, fat woman from "The Devlin Made Me Do It" of HB:AAL.)

Phil: Ha, ha. Monogamy.

(Cut back to the set.)

Doctor: As his boss, you have the choice whether or not to pull the cord.

Birdman: Doesn't he have family?

Doctor: No.

Birdman: Girlfriends, boyfriends, Lokar?

Doctor: No...they all died in the plane crash on the 9th day of the 11th month.

Birdman: Even Lokar?

(Cut to a shot of a dead Lokar.)

Doctor: (V.O) Especially Lokar.

(Cut back to the set.)

Birdman: So now I have to pay for Phil's surgery AND decide whether or not a man lives or dies.

Doctor: Yeah.

Birdman: Well.

(A group of people holding signs like "Don't Kill Off Another Character", "Let This Vegetable Expire With Dignity", "Ownage".)

Protesters: BIRDMAN, DON'T PULL THE CHORD, BIRDMAN DON'T PULL THE CHORD.

(Another group of people run in holding signs like "His Already Dead, in the Inside, where the Food Goes", "Nobody likes Vegetables" and "We've Run Out of Sign Gags".)

More Protesters: PULL THE PLUG, PULL THE PLUG, PULL THE PLUG!

Birdman: How the Hell did all these people hear about this.

(Cut to a shocked Doctor.)

Doctor: You...you can't pin this on me, I'm innocent!

(The Doctor runs off. Cut to the control room as Birdgirl is handling it as Zorbird walks up to her.)

Zorbird: Birdgirl, I've been seeing how you've been handling the controls, how about you handle my controls, don't worry, it won't go off in your face.

(Beat.)

Zorbird: It won't go off in your face.

(Beat.)

Zorbird: It won't go off in your face.

(Beat.)

Zorbird: Don't you get it?

Birdgirl: I get it, I just don't think it's funny or witty, and it also doesn't turn me on.

Zorbird: So you would say, you're offended?

Birdgirl: No, it's just not funny or witty nor does it make me horny.

Zorbird: Listen, Birdgirl ever since I lost my virginity to Paris Hilton, I feel like I could screw every woman I want, and I want to screw you, in to the wall...after I (BLEEP) you.

Birdgirl: What makes you think that?

Zorbird: My brain, so don't make a liar out of it.

(Cut back to the set as the protesters are fighting and killing each other while destroying the set.)

Birdman: So Jenny, you still want some sunscreen.

Jenny Jones: Well not after you told me where it comes from.

Birdman: Oh fine, be that way...you discriminate me then!

Jenny Jones: Aren't you going to do something about those protesters.

Birdman: They'll all kill each other soon enough.

Jenny Jones: Oh okay...then.

Birdman: So...you sure you don't want this kickass sunscreen.

Jenny Jones: Absolutely not.

(Silence.)

Birdman: That's just racist.

(Cut to Birdgirl in the same room as Zorbird still.)

Zorbird: Behold...my nudity!

(Zorbird takes off his clothes as he is now nude (though blurred).)

Zorbird: Do you like what you see?

Birdgirl: Child porn much?

Zorbird: Child porn? I'm a man.

Birdgirl: OH! So, man porn then.

(Cut back to the set.)

Jenny Jones: Are all the protesters dead yet?

Birdman: Well, not all of them, there are three males left though.

(Cut to the end of the set as three other male protesters remain as the rest are dead.)

Male Protester #1: Do...do you feel flaccid?

Male Protester #2: Yeah...I feel flaccid.

Male Protester #1: Yeah me too, I also feel flaccid. Jim, flaccid?

Jim (Protester #3): Yep, I so totally feel flaccid.

Male Protester #1: Most definitely, flaccid.

Male Protester #2: Flaccid!

Jim (Protester #3): Exactly, I thought I was the only one that was flaccid.

Male Protester #2: It's embarrassing to admit, but...yes...I am flaccid.

Male Protester #1: I know you're flaccid, I asked you if you were flaccid and you said "Yeah, I feel flaccid", so yes, I know you are in fact, flaccid.

Male Protester #2: Oh, I forgot. That I just said I was flaccid, sorry everyone for repeating myself.

Jim (Protester #3): Repeating yourself about what, being flaccid?

Male Protester #2: Yeah, being flaccid.

Male Protester #1: Okay, we're all flaccid.

Male Protester #2: Yes, we're all flaccid.

Jim (Protester #3): Yep...flaccid as the day God made me.

Male Protester #1: You've been flaccid all your life, I mean...

Jim (Protester #3): Haven't you guys been flaccid all your lives too, or, at one stage you weren't flaccid and then in one point you became flaccid.

Male Protester #1: Well I became flaccid when I was 20, feeling flaccid ever since so...I don't know how long Ross has been flaccid.

Ross (Protester #2): Yeah, around 20 was the age I started feeling flaccid, Jacob.

Jacob (Protester #1): Okay, so we can all agree...we're flaccid.

Ross (Protester #2): Yep flaccid.

Jim (Protester #3): Like I said before, flaccid as the day God made me. In which God made me flaccid.

Jacob (Protester #1): You know what sucks about being flaccid...is the fact you're flaccid.

Jim (Protester #3): I know being flaccid sucks.

Ross: (Protester #2): It mostly definitely sucks...being flaccid.

Jacob (Protester #1): Boy, being flaccid sucks.

Ross (Protester #2): Man you can say that again...about...about being flaccid.

Jacob (Protester #1): Boy, being flaccid sucks.

Ross (Protester #2) I didn't mean, to say that literally, I meant you know, I agree with you about how being flaccid sucks.

Jacob (Protester #1): Oh sorry, about you know...being flaccid sucks.

Ross (Protester #2): Yes, I know...being flaccid sucks.

Jacob (Protester #1): It sure does suck being flaccid.

Jim (Protester #3): You know that artist that's called "Mr. Flaccid" has a song out, it's about being flaccid it goes like "Flaccid, flaccid, flaccid, flaccid-flaccid-flaccid, I feel absolutely flaccid, oh yeah flaccid, always flaccid, flaccid-flaccid-flaccid-flaccid-flaccid-flaccid-flaccid-flaccid, I feel flaccid, really, really flaccid. Flaccid as my flaccid, flaccid my flaccid, flaccid, flaccid, flaccid, oh my flaccid, I feel flaccid, oh God flaccid my name's Mr. Flaccid, therefore I admit I am flaccid"...

Birdman: SHUT UP! Okay, we know you're flaccid. Could you all please just stop saying the word flaccid, please, okay, yes we all know the artist "Mr. Flaccid", and flaccid this, flaccid that. Yes, WE (BLEEP)ING know you are all flaccid, okay, yes flaccid.

Jacob (Protester #1): Why don't you come over here and make us stop saying we're flaccid.

Birdman: NO! WHY DON'T YOU DO WHAT I SAY INSTEAD OF SAYING THE WORD FLACCID, IT'S VERY, VERY ANNOYING WHEN YOU FLACCID AND HOW YOU ALL JUST KEEP REPEATING THE WORD FLACCID AND HOW YOU ALL REPEAT ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU ARE FLACCID! WE ALL GET, YOU'RE FLACCID, OKAY, WE GET IT! FLACCID! FLACCID! FLACCID! FLACCID! FLACCID! FLACCID! FLACCID! FLACCID! OKAY, SO PLEASE JUST STOP (BLEEP)ING SAY FLACCID!

(Beat.)

Jim (Protester #3): Hey Birdman...are you flaccid?

Birdman: UGH! No, I'm not flaccid, and now will you stop saying flaccid!

Jenny Jones: What are you talking about, flaccid?

Birdman: Stop saying flaccid!

Jim (Protester #3): Fl...

Birdman: If the next word that comes out of your mouth is flaccid, I'll blast all three of your flaccidly asses out of here!

(Beat.)

Jim (Protester #3): So Birdman...you're not...in question, for an accurate fact are not...in fact, turned out not to be, like...flaccid.

(Birdman grabs hold of his arm and blasts all three of them.)

Birdman: Okay, (lowering his arm) that'll end all this nonsense about the word flaccid and it killed the rest of them.

(Phil walks in, happy with his normal clothes on, zipping up his fly as Birdman looks astonished at how healthy Phil looks.)

Birdman: Phil! You're healthy...how?

Phil: I'll explain after this scene transition.

(Cut to Zorbird naked with demented eyes with foam all around his mouth.)

Zorbird: Zorbird needs sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex with Birdgirl!

(Zorbird goes on the ground and points at Birdgirl as he then jumps out and rips off all her clothes as she is now naked (blurred).)

Birdgirl: Oh my God! Settle down Zorbird!

(Zorbird jumps on her, as the camera turns away revealing a shadow as Zorbird moans with pleasure as Birdgirl continues screaming. Cut back to the set as Phil is on screen.)

Birdman: Well that was a scene.

Phil: Okay...it was sex.

Birdman: Sex?

Phil: I had crabs right.

Birdman: Yeah.

Phil: I then had sex with this 70-year old woman and then afterwards I feel as healthy as ever!

(Cut to Birdman as he looks his about to puke, but pulls back.)

Birdman: What about the woman...that...that was...70 years old.

Phil: Does it look like I care?

(Beat.)

Phil: Because if it doesn't, it means that's something wrong with my facial muscles. What did happen to that woman I wonder?

(Cut back to the hospital as the woman is lying on the bed as the doctor is talking to Ernie Devlin.)

Doctor: She has pubic lice. She wouldn't be able to live after her blood is sucked out from her vagina. Do you want the plug pulled or not?

Ernie: But, (Ernie grabs a cord) you pulled the cord 15 minutes ago.

(The Doctor puts the cord quickly back in there.)

Doctor: Now do you want the plug pulled?

(Cut back to the set.)

Birdman: Well now I don't need to pay for your surgery. But what happened to that repairman?

Phil: His dead.

Birdman: What?

Phil: Yeah when I was running to the hospital, I kinda...tripped over the cord thus pulling it out.

Off-screen Man: That's not the only thing you pulled out.

(Beat.)

Jenny Jones: (giggles) Oh, I get it.

Birdman: Yeah, see ya Jenny.

Jenny Jones: But I want to do my plug...

Birdman: I'll do your plug for you.

(Birdman turns the monitor off by flipping the switch.)

Birdman: Now what I am going to do with my sunscreen business?

Phil: I have 50 bucks (Phil pulls out said amount of money).

Birdman: Sold.

(Birdman takes the 50 dollars off Phil and stands up as Birdgirl runs in the screen, naked (blurred) as Zorbird chases after her while naked (blurred) as Birdman quickly grabs Zorbird.)

Birdman: Whoa why are you chasing a naked Birdgirl while naked?

Zorbird: Zorbird, Zorbird want sex, Zorbird want sex. Birdgirl is sexy...perfect for sex!

Birdgirl: (hiding behind keyboard) He was raping me!

Birdman: (eyes widen) Okay. This is not how an episode focused on educating people on sex was meant to go out but...okay.

Phil: What do you mean, this educates plenty about sex!

Birdman: How Phil? How does this (BLEEP)ing educate people on sex, how!!

Phil: Don't you see Birdman? This lesson about sex is, (emotional music starts playing) if you get crabs you need to have sex to get it out of you, and that eleven-year olds that screw Paris Hilton (picture of Paris Hilton and then Zorbird) will end up addicted to sex and rape the token female member of a talk show band (cut to Birdgirl) and masturbation causes blindness (cut back to Phil)...if you look down at your penis when you're about to ejaculate and could also get you trouble with Vietnamese assassins (cut to Peanut, X and Peter in the toilet stalls) and least but not last... (cut to the Repairman's dead body) Really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really rough sex causes people to become vegetables. (cut back to Phil) And that very hole is a goal and saying the word flaccid repeatedly is funny...for awhile, until it gets annoying.

(Emotional music stops. Silence.)

Birdman: Ugh (BLEEP) it close enough, who wants group sex?

Everyone Except Birdman: Me! Me! Me! Me!

(The Vietnamese assassins, Peanut, X, and Peter (all naked and blurred) run out as the people who still wear clothes rip threw clothes off as everyone jumps on each other and all have sex with one and other including naked and blurred women who run in to join in and an assassin says "Damnit, I feel flaccid".)


	25. Power Out

American Dad

Birdman Coast to Coast

Power Out

(The entire music video to Madness' "House of Fun" opens the episode. Opening credits.)

Phil: Tonight on Birdman Coast to Coast, President of adult swim, Mike Lazzo, President of 20th Century Fox, and President of Serena Williams, Venus Williams. And also Serena, now here's...

(Cut to the dark set as the light is not on and Birdman crashes onto the floor by flying in through the roof like he usually does but ends up slipping.)

Birdman: OH HECK! Oh...god, uh...it's me Birdman if anyone's wondering.

(Cut to Peanut at the bandstand.)

Peanut: Why is it so dark?

Birdman: Ugh the power went out 10 minutes before the show started and we haven't got it back on since.

Peanut: Can't you find any torches?

Birdman: _No, we haven't thought about that, what a bright idea too bad that _WE ALREADY TRIED LOOKING FOR THEM BUT WE COULDN'T FIND THEM!

(Peanut grabs his missile launcher and grabs a torch from his pocket and quickly puts it in the missile launcher. Birdman walks to the desk and sits down.)

Birdman: Now, I'm prepared for my guest first.

(Mike Lazzo's entire body appears in a miniature video message ala' Princess Leila in "Star Wars".)

Birdman: Now our usual monitor doesn't work because it crapped out on us, so we resorted to using this um, primitive video message technology from the Stone Age.

Mike Lazzo: Greetings, viewers...I am...Mike Lazzo.

Birdman: And here's a guy from the "Stoned Age"...whoops, I mean...welcome Keith Crofford!

Mike Lazzo: Mike Lazzo.

Birdman: Khaki Jones.

Mike Lazzo: Mike Lazzo.

Birdman: Ollie Green.

Mike Lazzo: No...it's um...Mike Lazzo.

Birdman: Um...Nick Wienfield?

Mike Lazzo: I am...Mike Lazzo.

Birdman: Are you Matt Harrigan?

Mike Lazzo: No, I am not Matt Harrigan. I am...Mike Lazzo.

Birdman: Linda Simenksy?

Mike Lazzo: I'm Mike Lazzo!

Birdman: Michael Cera?

Mike Lazzo: What are you talking about?

(Silence.)

Birdman: Ray Romano.

(Silence.)

Birdman: Because our children are watching.

(Beat.)

Peanut: Are you Brent Bozell?

Mike Lazzo: NO!

Birdman: Sorry, wasted your time.

(Birdman pushes the red button which makes Mike disappears. The camera pans down to Phil wearing a karate outfit with Birdgirl in a room lighted with candles.)

Birdgirl: Um remind me Phil, why are we down here?

Phil: So we can hold a séance for my dead father so he can fix the electricity, his an electrician.

Birdgirl: Um okay...what's up with these karate outfits?

Phil: We're gonna use our karate moves to revive my dead father who I'm pretty sure I killed some episodes back.

Birdgirl: Why karate moves? Why séance your dead father, couldn't we just call an electrician?

Phil: Well we could, but the phone line's down.

(Birdgirl pulls out a mobile.)

Birdgirl: Well I've got a mobile if you...

(The mobile gets shot off her hand as she looks shocked.)

Birdgirl: WHY DID YOU DO THAT FOR!

Phil: You ask a lot of questions Bird...girl, is it?

Birdgirl: (annoyed) Yes...you know that's my name.

Phil: Here, (pulls out a bottle of malt liquor) this should calm you down.

Birdgirl: CALM ME DOWN FROM WHAT!

(Phil places two glasses on a bench and pours some malt liquor into both and hands them to Birdgirl.)

Phil: C'mon...drink them.

(Silence, Phil looks around annoyed and then attempts throwing the drink into her mouth as it misses.)

Phil: Look what happened by accident!

(Cut back to the dark set as Birdman straightforward at the camera.)

Birdman: Our next guest is a person, say hello to Rupert Murdoch.

(Rupert Murdoch appears just like Mike Lazzo did.)

Birdman: Greetings Rupert, welcome to the show. Are you comfortable?

Rupert Murdoch: I would be comfortable if I had a seat to sit down on.

Birdman: Well we would usually have a seat for our guests but no power.

Rupert Murdoch: Why does having no power got to do with it?

Birdman: Oh I see, trying to turn the tables around, trying to be the interviewer and me being the guest on my own show I won't have it Murdoch!

Rupert Murdoch: I was just asking a question what power has to do with not having a seat for me to sit in.

Birdman: A lot!

Rupert Murdoch: Oh yeah, what Space Ghost?

Birdman: Grease.

(Silence.)

Rupert Murdoch: What about grease?

Birdman: Sometimes I puke it out.

(Rupert Murdoch stares oddly at Birdman gaping his mouth as if it say something then closes his mouth.)

Birdman: Chairs are an illusion, they're powered by grease so I eat a bunch of hamburgers, cheese burgers and mega burgers and you know...puke it out so it can go inside the chair and power it.

Rupert Murdoch: What are you ta...

Birdman: CHAIRS ARE POWERED BY PUKED UP GREASE, DAMNIT!

Rupert Murdoch: That doesn't make sense.

Birdman: You don't make sense you penniless gobstopper-for-brain Willy Wonka wannabe walking around so high and mighty thinking YOU own the world, but the truth is you don't, no one can own the world because no one does. And if you don't have the world why do you have Rupert, nothing absolutely nothing except the fact you have a gobstopper for a brain which is why every time I ask you a simple question you reply with "I'm hungry" you idiot! I bet you would gladly sell Paramount Pictures for a whole case of those gobstoppers and then the real owners of Paramount Pictures would be mad, you know why, because you sold off a company you don't even own for a whole case of freakin' gobstoppers because you couldn't handle your appetite so what does Paramount Pictures do they sell off 20th Century Fox to a bunch of Arabian terrorists so they can sell and manufacture a bunch of ladies home-care pack while putting on make-up while dancing to Justin Timberlake while laughing their heads off to crappy movies like "Meet the Spartans" while smoking doobies and planning bomb attacks on MGM because that's how greedy they are Rupert, that's how greedy they are I mean, if you put a whole case of money in front of another case of money man, they will take it I mean...damn...they're greedy. Damn Arabs, see what you've done, you just had to have the stupid gob stopper didn't you Murdoch, now Paramount Pictures is a subsidiary of Waterworld and 20th Century Fox is opening by a bunch of Arabs, way to friggin' go! And it's so obvious you deserve a chair to rest those things you call legs, man you must have a full, busy day of selling off other people's companies for food. And what the hell is up with your name, "Rupert Murdoch", sounds like someone watched The A-Team and thought, hey Murdoch's the last name for me and thought I need a first name to balance it out, hell why not Rupert Murdoch. I mean, that's what you did right, after, after selling Paramount Pictures for a gobstopper and in return having 20th Century Fox sold to a bunch of greedy, doobie-smoking, home-care selling, make-up wearing, Justin Timberlake listening, Meet the Spartans watching, bomb-making Arabs. You must be pretty glad of your life accomplishments, I mean wow really what life you have I mean if I would to have your life then wow, really I would raise some Hell I would. And what the Hell, did you call me Space Ghost before. It's Birdman, if my name was Space Ghost, get me a bullet so I could shoot a deer and eat it so I could feel better about having the name Space Ghost. (slight beat) You know what I'm gonna do Rupert, (Rupert rolls his eyes) I'm gonna tell you a story. About a girlfriend I had once, this chick named Gigi. So there's me an' Gigi, and we're all inseparable, right? Just big time in love. And then about four months in, I ask about the ex-boyfriend. Dumb move, I know, but you know how it is - you don't really want to know, but you just have to... stupid guy stuff. Anyway she starts telling me all about him - how they dated for years, lived together, her mother likes me better, blah, blah, blah - and I'm okay. But then she drops a bomb on me and the bomb is this, she tells me that a couple times, he brought other people to bed with them - ménage a tois, I believe it's called. Now this just blows my mind. I mean, I'm not used to that sort of thing, right? I was raised Catholic for God's sake. So I get weirded out, and just start blasting her, right? This is the only way I can deal with it - by calling her hurtful names, and telling her that she was used - I mean, I'm out for blood I want to hurt this girl - because I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling. And I'm like "What the Hell is wrong with you?" and she's telling me that it was that time, in that place, and she didn't do anything wrong, so she's not gonna apologize. So I tell her it's over, and I walk. Looking back on it now, it was a mistake. I wasn't disgusted with her, I was afraid. At that moment, I felt small - like I'd lacked experience, like I'd never be on her level or never be enough for her or something. And what I didn't get was that she didn't care. She wasn't looking for that guy anymore. She was looking for me, for the Birdman. But by the time I realized this, it was too late, you know. She'd moved on, and all I had to show for it was some foolish pride, which then gave way to regret. She was a girl, I know that now. But I pushed her away...so I spent every day since then chasing Gigi……so to speak.

(Silence, Rupert disappears off the video message.)

Peanut: (looking at him angrily) Do you just talk so you can hear your own voice or something?

Birdman: Yeah, so what? Rupert is a deaf mute so I had to do most of the talking.

Peanut: No he isn't and you know that…

Birdman: Yeah he is.

Peanut: Well he just hung up.

(Birdman looks over at the desk.)

Birdman: Oh that's just great, what a night this has been. My interviews with Yogi Bear and Rupert Murdoch didn't go anywhere, Peter Potamus and X are really silent for some reason tonight (Peter and X are looking around confused) and Phil and Birdgirl are off somewhere and the electricity's out! This is the worse episode then that Happy Days episode with Richie snooping around looking for information about that garbage man thing.

Peanut: And you looked for a torch and couldn't find one.

Birdman: Yeah, that's pretty bad too.

Peanut: Listen, I know where a torch is.

Birdman: (perks up) You do!

Peanut: Yes I do, so that means you'll be able to see okay and might be able to find some electricity outlet and find out what's wrong with it to make tonight seem half-decent.

Birdman: Thank you Peanut, thank you! Now where is it?

Peanut: (Peanut starts filing his nails) Where's what?

Birdman: The torch!

Peanut: Oh….I want you to do some things for me to earn THAT torch.

(Dramatic chord. Beat as Birdman looks angry.)

Birdman: It's because of that monologue wasn't it?

Peanut: Yeah, kinda.

(Cut to commercial. Cut back to the set as the power is still out and Birdman is heard tapping his cue cards.)

Birdman: Welcome back to the show folks, filmed by a camera powered by a back up power generator that for some reason only works on cameras. Joining me now is tennis sensations Venus and Serena Williams.

(Venus and Serena via video message just like Mike and Rupert.)

Birdman: Hello Venus, Hello Serena. Welcome to the show, do you feel comfortable?

Venus: Why are we standing up?

Birdman: Great now…

(Peanut appears in a strike of thunder next to Birdman's desk.)

Peanut: Birdman…….I have an assignment for you.

Birdman: Okay, what is it?

(Peanut hands Birdman an envelope as Birdman grabs it, tears it up and unfolds the letter to read it.)

Birdman: (reading letter) Morph into a flying shark and fight a flying crocodile.

(Cut to the bandstand as X takes off his helmet thing as a crocodile flies out glowing as Birdman gets on the desk and morphs into a flying shark and beings to battle the flying crocodile to the tune of "Beware the Wolf". After the battle as Birdman has morphed back and lying on the floor as the crocodile slither back to the "X" body and puts the head back on.)

Birdman: How is becoming a shark and fighting a crocodile gonna make you give me that torch.

(Peanut appears in a strike of thunder again next to Birdman as he kneels to his level.)

Peanut: If you don't do these things I assign you I'll shoot the torch out of the bazooka.

(Peanut gets up from kneeling and grabs out a bazooka.)

Peanut: And we don't want that now do we?

Birdman: No sir.

(Cut to Phil doing karate moves as Birdgirl just looks on dumbfounded.)

Phil: Muhammad! Muhammad! Muhammad! Muhammad! Muhammad! Muhammad! Muhammad! Muhammad! Muhammad! Muhammad! Muhammad!

Birdgirl: Okay Phil, could you just stand still for a moment and not repeatedly say Muhammad?

Phil: Great idea! Instead, I'll say Jesus! ahem Jesus! Jesus! Jesus! Jesus! Jesus! Jesus! Jesus! Jesus! Jesus!

Birdgirl: GRRRRRRRR!

Phil: Okay now we've got my mojo working, let's recite these Bill Hicks routines.

(Phil grabs a whole stack of sheets.)

Birdgirl: (lowers sheets to speak with Phil at face level) Phil, are you sure we're here to revive your dead father, are you sure we're not just here for no reason.

(Evil dramatic music.)

Phil: (to himself) Oh…….I've got a reason. I've got a reason….

(Evil dramatic music stops.)

Birdgirl: What's that?

Phil: (hands Birdgirl malt liquor) Here drink some malt liquor!

(Birdgirl grabs the bottle and begins to drink it. Cut back to the set as Birdman is holding a cue card.)

Birdman: I'm not saying that.

Peanut: (off screen) Say it.

Birdman: No I'm not sayi…

Peanut: (interrupting, off screen) Say it!

Birdman: Nope, I'm not saying it.

Peanut: (off screen) Say it!

Birdman: Okay………(faces Venus and Serena)….nice jacket…..Fonzie.

Venus Williams: Jacket?

Serena Williams: I'm not wearing a jacket.

Birdman: Oh Peanut told me to….

(Cut to Peanut.)

Peanut: Say it!

(Cut back to Birdman, puzzled.)

Birdman: I-I-I-I did say it.

Peanut: What? The thing about the jacket, no, I meant actually say "it".

Birdman: That's it?

Peanut: That's it.

Birdman: Okay then.

Peanut: You just said "it".

Birdman: I did?

Peanut: Before when you said "that's "it"".

(Silence.)

Birdman: You're kidding me right?

(Peanut grabs out another envelope.)

Peanut: Now I've got one last assignment for you, Birdman.

(Cut back to Phil and Birdgirl as Birdgirl has gotten really tipsy as seven bottles of malt liquor are surrounding them.)

Phil: That was a-LOT of malt liquor you drank just then.

Birdgirl: (drunk) Yep.

Phil: Any reason you did it?

Birdgirl: (drunk) Nope…….I just felt thirsty. Now c'mon….let's revive your dead father so he can turn the power back on.

Phil: Birdgirl that is not the real reason I bought you down here.

(Phil sits down as Birdgirl follows.)

Phil: Birdgirl, I gotta tell you something (breathes in) Here it goes….I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But I had to say it. I just, I can't take this anymore. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't, I can't look into your eyes without feeling that, that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. And I know this will probably queer our friendship - ha, ha…..queer, but I had to say it, because I've never felt this way before, and I don't care. I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But God, I just, I couldn't allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And, you know, I'll accept that. But I know... I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. All I ask, please, is that you just, you just not dismiss that - and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. Birdgirl, there isn't another soul on this planet who has ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it is there between you and me. You can't deny that. Even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I'm forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me, which - while I do appreciate it - I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of.

Birdgirl: (drunken) Ugh….I definitely know you ripped that off "Chasing Amy".

Phil: Yeah, me and Birdman had a Kevin Smith movie marathon last night. But for some reason we also watched Jersey Girl.

(Birdgirl falls over Phil.)

Birdgirl: (drunken) Phil……I want YOU……..inside of me.

Phil: Come to Papa.

(Phil rips off his clothes as Birdgirl rips off hers as they are both naked (but censored) and begin having a heavily censored graphic minute-long sex scene. Cut back to the set as Birdman and Peanut are wearing Vaudevillian clothing and dancing holding canes singing "Puttin' on the Ritz".)

Peanut: (singing) If you're blue and you don't know where to go to why don't you go where fashion sits?

Birdman: (singing) Puttin' on the Ritz!

Peanut: (singing) Different types who wear a day coat, pants with stripes

and cutaway coat, perfect fits.

Birdman: (singing) Puttin' on the Ritz!

Peanut: (singing) Dressed up like a million dollar trouper. Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper

Birdman: (singing) Super duper.

Peanut: (singing) Come let's mix where Rockefellers walk with sticks

or "umbrellas" in their mitts.

Birdman: (singing) Puttin' on the Ritz!

Peanut: (singing) Have you seen the well-to-do up and down Park Avenue On that famous thoroughfare with their noses in the air. High hats and Arrow collars white spats and lots of dollars. Spending every dime for a wonderful time

Birdman & Peanut: (singing) If you're blue and you don't know where to go to

why don't you go where fashion sits, Puttin' on the Ritz, Puttin' on the Ritz, Puttin' on the Ritz.'

(Peter Potamus slides in also wearing Vaudevillian clothing.)

Peter: (deep voice) The words and lyrics to Puttin' On The Ritz are the intellectual property of Taco and his or their respective music label. Purchase Taco's music online or buy their CD if you wish to support Taco. If you want to help make Puttin' on the Ritz popular please share it below or blog about it.

(The power comes back on as the video message with Serena and Venus goes out and Birdgirl, wearing lingerie holding onto Phil wearing boxers walk in.)

Birdman: (sarcastic) Great! Just great, just as I finish all those "assignments" the power comes back on! Well seems like I won't need that torch anymore when the frickin' whole place is lighted up now!

(Peanut grabs the torch and hands it to Birdman.)

Peanut: Here's your torch.

(Birdman slaps it out of his hand.)

Birdman: Get that thing away from me.

Birdgirl: (drunk) One thing I would like to know is what caused the power to go out anyway?

(Dramatic music builds up as the camera closes up on Phil.)

Phil: I pulled the plug.

(Dramatic chord.)

Phil: (over evil dramatic music) You see, to lure Birdgirl downstairs, I pulled the plug to the power so I could get her to think we would both revive my dead father who was an electrician to fix electricity. But truth was……I wanted to get her drunk and (BLEEP) her brains out WHICH I did

(Music stops. Awkward silence as everyone except Birdgirl and Phil stare at each other in disgust.)

Peter: (deep voice) To be continued.

(End credits. Instead of the end credit music, it's just silence.)


End file.
